cheeta8-blog

[cheeta8-blog]

Tonight

I am currently crying. Tears of sadness, loneliness, boredom. I’m thinking too much.  I’m by myself in a room for a double. Listening to music to soothe me. Good, Bad, Ugly is playing while I type this. I’m hungry. Starving. It’s 10 pm close to 11 pm. Wasn’t very productive today; wasting my day watching videos but what else is there for me to do on a Friday other than forcing myself to get started on my homework. No one starts on a Friday.

(I know... some of you may think this is pathetic and some of you may not.)

I’m alone in a double room. A double room for two people. The person besides me that lives in the double is my roommate. She is not here. I’m alone. I hate weekends. The weekends are when I feel lonely the most. I think to myself: “you chose to do this to your self”, “you are no fun”. I’m so lonely. Far away from home, but sometimes I always want to get away from home. I can’t make up my mind anymore.

Stuck in this room on a Friday night. No one texting me. No one calling. I could call someone but why to call someone that you haven’t bothered to call at all, doesn’t matter cause they never bother to call either. The “someone” excludes my parents who are the only ones I call just a checkup since I’m away from home living in a currently empty room. I used to receive text none stop. Crazy alerts from messenger… not anymore. I think to myself “you made your decision “. I say I don’t care all the time but half of the time I really do and I bottle it in. People say April babies don’t show emotion; I believe that but they do show emotion when no one is around and we definitely show that we care for others who don’t even show it in return and appreciate it. April babies take the “no appreciation” to heart and always remember and learn. I’m crying.

During the week I walk by myself cause I have classes. This semester I don’t know anyone that I knew entering college anymore. I cared too much and did not have the patience for stupidity and drama. Friendship shouldn’t consist of you kissing an individual’s ass all the time when they throw a tantrum and always saying they don’t need friends like us and then go complete bipolar. Friendship is like being a family, not forcing someone to do what you’d like them to do or wish they would be more like you. It’s is understanding one another. I’ve understood, resolved issues, gone out of my way for people who I considered my closest friends and they never once showed appreciation. I always look for “you” but you never bothered to look for me. And you call me “your” friend. Don’t call people your best friend if you don’t really do things that the word “best friend” is supposed to stand for. I’ve experienced making the worst “best friends” and now I don’t call anyone that anymore. I’ve experienced betrayal the most and decided that I don’t want to go through it again. I keep telling myself: “family is forever. Friends are just acquaintances that only contact you when they need something”. Someone contacting me when they need something… that happened a lot.

I’ve stopped crying. I’m still alone listening to Logic. Logic is wise. I’d like to be friends with Logic maybe he would give me good advice and… I don't know maybe make me think differently from what I think now. Listening to hype music when your feeling low helps a little. Lauv got me in my feels right now.

This is random but I've never had a boyfriend. I’m not a lesbian. I just haven’t found the right man. I’ve gone on dates and have had close guy friends that asked me out but I only saw them as a family. I no longer talk to any of them anymore. That makes me sad. Sometimes I think it’s my fault but then I also think that I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve talked about these things with those people who I called my “friends” or “best friends” but they never spoke to me. Never spoke the words of support. The support that anyone single women would like to hear. But when it came to them talking to me about their guy problems, there I go telling them encouraging words and supporting them. One said behind my back “you know… [me] will be single the rest of her life. She won’t have a boyfriend tbh”. When I heard this it was said from a guy I knew and still know, sadly I still run into him. He was the last person I would ever expect to say anything about me behind my back, the most dumbass in the planet that only shits out stupid words from his mouth thinking he is the shit. Y’all know those type of people. He got a girlfriend who I encouraged to go out with him cause she was too nervous and didn’t know well either or not she liked him. Yeah. Ha. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know that. I don’t tell people what I’ve done for them without their recollection. I’m the type to observe and see what type of people they are it just takes me a long time to realize in the end when they completely mess up. His words that were told to me were believable because I know what type of person he is. I say I don’t care but I think about it all the time and it bothers me but I don’t show it.

Still by myself.

Reading this may not seem long but typing it all down on my iPhone 6 or 7s, idk. “Notes” are coming really useful right now.

I tell my family all the time that I’ve wasted my first year of college and I truly did and I hate myself for that. Don’t waste your time with a group of “friends” you made in your hall. It’s best to be associated with clubs and organization and then have that group of “friends” to catch a meal or movie. It’s best to have things that will keep you busy throughout your college years once you start in the beginning. Trying to get involved later just becomes hard. You get lazy and sometimes when you actually do try to go, you either go by yourself and are left alone by yourself sometimes cause there are people who created their groups cause they were there from the beginning. You try but there is no connection and you no longer want to attend the weekly meetings.

To be continued...