chirpyblues

[chirpyblues]

there is hardly a chance you'll look at this poem

but I still hope that you choose to read my poetry

we've been drifting away since so long

but now it's just pin drop silence

i never knew silence can feel so burdening

do you feel my absence in every minute too?

am i the only one getting hurt to my core here?

why is this world such a stupid unfunny place?

how am i expected to grieve an alive person,

with whom i once dreamed of building a forever?

the calls, the funny texts, the flirting

all of it just suddenly stops out of nowhere?

and now I'm supposed to accept that and move on

how does the fight between emotions and logic go

which one am i sitting in support of

my emotions beg me to run back to him like I've always done before

my logic commands me to see if he comes back

and meanwhile I'm stuck here in the messiest emotions known to mankind

while life around me stays literally the same

god, do i hate how things happen around here

[chirpyblues]

my rage is the friend i have but don't want. my peace is the friend i want but don't have.

they say that life is all about the silver lining. well, you know how staring at a beautiful painting for too long can make you see its flaws? the silver lining has now started to waver and fade under my never ending stare.

life can test you so much sometimes.

the world doesn't run on fair and deserve. the world doesn't run on clear meanings of good and bad. i learnt this a while ago and it liberated me of so many why's.

all that matters is that there was love. that there were smiles and happiness. that people chose you and didn't just tolerate you. that's all there is to life. and money, tonnes of money, because that is what buys you things that bring you happiness or so i believe.

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

the world seems like a bigger force

on so many days

a force that is out to get me?

everything the world encompasses for me

the people i consider my family

the guy whom i claim i love

a couple of people I'd want to actually call

all of these sometimes seem like a bigger force

and I'm small, maybe powerless

is the world out to get me? i don't know

all i know is that i would have been so different

if all that has happened wouldn't have

at least not with the same hurtful intensity

inside my heart, I'm allowed to be dumb

in the world it's necessary for me to be smart

is the world out to get me?

on many days, I stand strong and believe

I think of myself as a force

but it's all a mask of strength with a broken person inside

god knows what I'm trying to say here

just that the world has started more and more

to feel like a strange alien planet to me

than a place that brought me comfort

and thinking about all my years of life ahead

it doesn't fill me with any sense of spark

that I have to keep living this same old life

with my same old heart in this same old world

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

sometimes it hurts to see happy people

i can recognise them when i see it

they don't treat happiness as a blue moon

for them it's as simple as the sunrise

sometimes it hurts that I'm not happy

but hey everything is a phase, right?

so maybe my sad phases are only for now

sometimes it hurts that my identity is sad

this, this is the worst part out of it all

even when happy things happen to me

i can't feel joy how untarnished people do

for me joy comes with the reminder

that trauma just breaks your ability to hold it

for me, my normal is a sad forlorn outlook

sometimes it truly hurts that I was made this

because nobody is born broken after all

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

can't continuously look at stuff that makes me happy or it starts making me sad

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

how troublesome to be a human of conscious mind

you have yearnings for the future

dreams and fantasies that may never happen

yet you miss stills from the past

friends you left behind, life you left behind

even when you dream of something

and when you get to live that very dream

it's not enough, no

you still miss the past, the one where you were dreaming

even when you are grateful for what you have

grateful for all you get

you still have the void for all that you once had

the void of what you once had

never really gets filled again that way, does it?

it's like childhood, once it's over, it's over

I'm moving through life with all its turns

and there are paths i hated walking on so much

but today when I'm on the next path, i miss it

i don't want to go back to it and yet i miss it

these emotions, they're more complex

than the whole universe sometimes

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

you know we're a book happening right?

and this one is not about the end

it's more about the twists and turns

more about the little wins and smiles

we're stories crafted of time, people

of emotions of every colour there is

we're stories that are more than just

our biggest moments combined

life happens more in the small moments

than it ever will in the big ones

every morning is more important

than one morning on one special day

maybe that's just how i look at it

but I would rather have

my everyday be a source of happiness

in miniscule but definite doses

than the next big event of my life

which has equal chances of going wrong

life may be defined by milestones

and events that divide it into phases

but life is remembered by the quiet moments

that you smiled in while looking at the moon

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

life has been happening to me

this is the part where the glass has water

it has been good

I'm grateful for it not being stuck anymore

it was worse before

this is the glass half full part

but everything is always out of my control

or my wishes, to be precise

life happens to me but not in the ways I'd like it to

I'm always catching up

to people, to life, to everything

and this, the half empty part, weighs on me

maybe we need to stand back

just be like

at least the glass has some water

and move on without thinking any more

maybe that is the way to a stress-free life

maybe I'll try it out for size

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

your i love you sounds like a habit

and mine has become a plea now

a plea for yours to be real

for it to sound as true as it once was

your eyes don't stay on me like before

earlier they never left me, you know?

now they hardly ever stay for a minute

where is the love in those eyes now?

you know i am feeling lost to you

yet you never show a little care

maybe you want me to break away

slowly, steadily, completely, from you

somedays i wish i could rewind time

bring back the you who loved me

but hey, you still say you love me

i let myself believe it so i can sleep

what is it about this familiarity?

I'd rather take a familiar relationship

that has lost all its colour with time

than the terrifying unfamiliar alone

"say something, I'm giving up on you"

have you heard this song before?

nowadays i think it was made for me

oh, how badly I don't want this to happen

time is the biggest test of all, they say

does your failing this test count as mine too?

if you walk away, did i lose the bet too?

or is it just everything else that i could lose?

i have endless words for you, as usual

i don't know how to not be yours

the sad part here is, i know i haven't been

yours for a long, long time now

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

I've started to live for the moments that make me think, "hey, life isn't so bad"

for the moments where I sit back, look around and smile for absolutely no reason

I recently read that the secret to life is being "not unhappy" (thanks fredrik backman) because happiness all the time js just too absurd of an idea

let yourself take a step back and just be.

~ shreeya.

[I've made a cutesy aesthetic reel with the same words on instagram: voicesofmyhead, go see?]

[chirpyblues]

there are days when i don't pick up the pen

there is no emotion that needs me to do so

we rarely write about the normal moments

then there are the lows and the even more lows

the first thing i run to in lows is my pen

because nobody has ever taken even a minute

to understand everything that i stand for

other than my pen, my paper and my poetry

it's funny how much love can exist in people

without you ever fully understanding them

life is some weird concoction i find too bitter

at this point I don't even know what I'm writing

i just know that I'm upset about people i love

and writing it here makes me feel more heard

than any human in my life has ever made me feel

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

you keep searching the whole house for god knows what.

so i ask you, "what are you looking for?"

you say, "all my knives are lost."

darling, if only you would have looked at my heart.

you say I'm the centre of your universe and I believe you.

the next day you throw sharp words around and I think, "bull's eye!"

either you don't know how to love or you think it's okay to hurt if you also love.

either you don't realise that you hurt or you think it's okay for you to hurt because you also love.

but you don't know how to love.

and you are too good at hurting.

I've said it a million times before and I'll say it a million times again.

if you love someone and they do not feel loved by you, you don't love that someone, you just like that they love you.

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

i think i hurt you a little bit

i think you hate that i did it

i did not mean to, i swear

but i think you won't talk now

remember when you hurt me?

i still stayed here with you

remember when you didn't talk to me for a year?

well I'm here right now forgetting it all

it's funny how quickly people react

when they're behaved with in a way

that they would usually behave in

it's funny how much they hate it

the taste of their own medicine

it's so funny, yet I'm not laughing

you're expected to be forgiving

you're expected to move on from things

but when it comes to them?

haha, the hurt is held onto tight by their fists

it is never easy, this whole people thing

this act of hurting too, never easy

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

there have been people in my life

so many, I can't even recall all names

but none of them stood out like you

did you know i dream of you a lot?

your eyes, i could write about them

until i die and it won't be enough

sounds so sappy, am i right?

but you have this magic about you

maybe everyone can see it, maybe not

i know i saw it, from the first moment

I'm not gonna let myself forget you

remembering you does cause pain

your dreams only make me miss you

they make me wonder if you think of me

and the truth here is, i don't want that

i don't want you to think of me

you don't deserve being stuck in the past

and hey, I'm not someone full of magic

I'm just a heart that loves, a little broken

but you, you are worth all the pain

you always were, as long as you were here

i wish someday i meet you again

and i really wish you remember me that day

even if to just give me that smile you gave me

that smile, that is the most difficult dream

i wish i had bottled it up when i had it

i guess this is what they all call "undying love"

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

I just wanted to let you know how much your poetry means to me. It feels like you’re writing about exactly what I’m going through each line hits so close 😌... It’s like you’re capturing emotions I can’t even put into words myself...

Thank you for sharing your talent it really means a lot to me and so many otherss... 🩷

oh my god. this is very sweet, thank you. it means a lot. you made my day :)

some of you have been randomly texting me giving words of appreciation and I'm so grateful.

this page here is really like my diary, i don't hold back when i write here. so for someone to find comfort in those words which have poured out of me with all honesty and vulnerability is maybe the best thing about human connection and poetry.

keep reading, I'll keep writing. it comes and goes, though.

xxx

[chirpyblues]

i had a dream, we were fighting

there was this voice saying

"you're not together anymore"

and i think i scoffed in my sleep

how could you ever even think so?

we are two peas in their own little pod

two puzzle pieces forming a landscape

how could we ever be apart from each other?

the dream then cut off, i woke to silence

reaching out to meet your hand, obviously

it was then i realised, as i have before too

we really are not together anymore

haven't been since so long, it's been years now

it hurts how we're together only in dreams now

it hurts how i never even got to tell you

that i had fallen in love with you

that i will always be in love with you

~ shreeya.

[chirpyblues]

there's nothing new to tell

I'm just thinking of you, again

how could i ever, ever not?

you were the centre of my world

now you're a cloud drifting around

i still remember so much about you

all i wanna do is scream at you

do you not see it's all about you?

do you not see that i miss you?

do you not see, my dear, without you

some part of me will always be amiss?

you made my world make sense

you leaving was my biggest nightmare

i still secretly hope you come back

I'll leave everything if it means i get you

there's nothing new to tell

~ shreeya.