chokeonurmaddness

[chokeonurmaddness]

How "BPD girlies🎀" look at me when I told them that I was laying on the bathroom floor all covered in blood because my FP left me on read:

[chokeonurmaddness]

Sometimes it feels easier to just... End it all? But.. I know it's wrong so I don't do it. I know it's wrong I know it's terrible I know I'm being ridiculous, I know it's just I'm a "teenager" who can't see the "bright side" of the world or whatever, I know there's a lot of people who care about me. I know there's better ways, I know it'll go away eventually as soon as I distract myself with anything stupid, I know I'm loved and cared for and there's more people suffering in wars or something and I should be grateful for what I have. I know I know I know I know I know I know I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I FKN KNOW I'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE-PLEASE STOP TELLING ME THIS OVER AND OVER I KNOW WHAT AM I THINKING IS NOT TRUE ALRIGHT!??? BUT... I just- can't help but sinking down in this.. dark pit of hate and despair.. no amount of love and care can fix my messed up mindset, no warm hugs will ever feel enough for me.. no amount of deep talk will stop me from thinking about dying every single moment I wake up. And that's the disgusting truth,how needy I am to this... Constant reassurance that I'm good enough...

[chokeonurmaddness]

Tweaking musical lyrics to make it more relatable because I CAN!!

(these lyrics are from the song "see I'm smiling" from 'the last five years')

I didn't know you had to go so soon

I thought we had a little time

Look, whatever. If you have to

Then you have to, so whatever

It's alright

We'll have tonight...

You know what makes me crazy

I'm sorry, can I say this?

You know what makes me nuts?

The fact that we can be together

Here together

Sharing our night, spending our time

And you are gonna

choose someone else to be with..

No, you are!

Yes, [name] that's exactly what you're doing!

You could be here with me

or be there with them

As usual guess which you pick

No, you do not have to go With another group of people

With the same 20 jerks you already know!!

You could stay with your

Best friend on their freaking birthday!

And you could, God forbid,

even see my show!

And I know in your soul

it must drive you crazy

That you won't get to play games

with your other friends

And the point is...[name]

That you can't spend a single

day that's not about you,

and you, and nothing but you

"Marvelous" artistic you!

Isn't she wonderful, just 17!#!

the savior of artists!

You, and you, and nothing but you

Miles and piles of you

Pushing through windows and

bursting through walls

En route to the sky!!

And I...

I swear to God I'll never understand

How you can stand there

straight and tall

And see I'm crying

And not do anything at all

[chokeonurmaddness]

Same, but sometimes can't help but miss the moments where u were a lil happier, even if i hate the person itself i miss what i had

Why was it so easy for you to move on? Why are you so much happier?? While I'm only sinking down? I don't want to feel this but... I can't stop sinking down!! I can't stop thinking and thinking about how things could've ended up differently... I loath you yet I miss the memories and sleepless nights of calling and texting, I don't want you but I want those feelings I felt when I was with you, I hate you with all my being, but I want those memories, those words you said... Those beautiful colours you've painted my life with... I don't want you. I want what I felt with you..

[chokeonurmaddness]

I look at you and think... Was that really my favourite person? Was that the person I wanted to be with forever? Was that the person I laughed with and cried with and made all the memories with? I remember the date we first talked, our first conversation, our first call, our first EVERYTHING and I feel terrible, I want to forget it but... I.. can't forget all the memories and laughs, the high's and low's the moments that you had me only with you, I fuckin hate you I hate you I hate you hate you I hate you I hate you hate you I hate you I hate you hate you I hate you I hate you hate you I hate you I hate you hate you I hate you I hate you hate you I hate you I hate you hate you I hate you I hate you hate you I hate you I hate you I please get out of my head, you only caused me pain, I wanna delete everything we made but I'm afraid to let go, I wish you the worst, I wish you can feel the way I felt

... I want affection... Anyone.. anything, I'm cold I'm freezing, I'm sweating, I'm dying, I can't breathe. Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe.

[chokeonurmaddness]

Why was it so easy for you to move on? Why are you so much happier?? While I'm only sinking down? I don't want to feel this but... I can't stop sinking down!! I can't stop thinking and thinking about how things could've ended up differently... I loath you yet I miss the memories and sleepless nights of calling and texting, I don't want you but I want those feelings I felt when I was with you, I hate you with all my being, but I want those memories, those words you said... Those beautiful colours you've painted my life with... I don't want you. I want what I felt with you..