chrislongdenposts

[chrislongdenposts]

Horribly History

I have let myself down very badly. I dropped my son off for school this morning and suddenly realised I needed to check something with him. So, I kerb crawled him and yelled through the open window: “By the way – have you got extra GCSE Science after school today?” He called back; “No, I’ve decided I’m going to extra History instead,” so I shouted; “Well, why aren’t you going to Science?” He…

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Nicking the Noses

Non-uniform day for Comic Relief today – and this morning my 14 yr old donned an Iron Maiden t-shirt. The ‘Iron’ element suddenly reminded me of this day in 2013 – and of what he wore to the Infants school. I gave him a quick outline: I got a phone call from the headteacher of his Infants School during the morning break; “Hello, Mrs Longden, I’ve got 6 unhappy little boys in my office here –…

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Parental Revelations - in Public

Parental Revelations – in Public

Yesterday I was doing a talk in Tameside, celebrating Stalybridge – Greater Manchester’s Town of Culture for 2022. The talk was all about my rather famous Victorian ancestor and I was quite pleased to see that the Deputy Mayor of Tameside brought her baby along to the session. The wee one was very well behaved. She didn’t rip off the mayoral chains in an act of political insurrection or anything…

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Real Cultural Entertainment

I recently found a photograph from a few years ago. I got chatting to my 17 yr old lass and my 13 yr old lad about it and said that I loved the photo, but that perhaps some folk would see it and think that “maybe it gives off a whiff of… ‘white saviour.’ You know… colonialisation, ‘voluntourism in Africa’ etcetera.” Both of them looked at me – in that way that they have – and responded with;…

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Propelling my Aspirations

I am now the proud owner of a rotary washing line. I’ve wanted one since I was 6 years old. Sadly, my mum always preferred the archaic clothes prop methodology. It’s only taken me a decade of garroting friends, neighbours and playmates with our wonky washing lines and … I’ve finally decided enough is enough. I’ve just spent 15 minutes in the garden twirling it around and around. It’s like the…

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Hen-Stalker

My husband thinks he’s joined MI5 or something, ever since we got the hen-cam. It’s helpful enough for him when I’m working away from home and he can keep an eye on the poultry comings and goings in our garden from his workplace, but when I AM home, I often have to ignore them pecking at the catflap or whatever, as I’m on a zoom call or something. I have to concentrate. So, I resent getting…

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GERRIT OUT ME YUR!

GERRIT OUT ME YUR!

I’m not so sure that this happens as much to kids these days. But I had exceptionally thick hair – even my hairdresser hated me as a child. My daughter has inherited a barnet of busy-ness. So this is a serious list of Bad Things: BAD THINGS THAT GOT STUCK IN YOUR HAIR: 1. CANDYFLOSS – Looks pretty when they’re twirling the sugary strands, but lick it the wrong way and you’re buggered. 2.…

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A Tale of Too Many Bobs

A Tale of Too Many Bobs

In the car with the 13 yr old. A song comes on Radio 2. SON: It’s funny, I always thought Bob Dylan was black. And then I saw a picture of him and he turned out to be white. ME: Eh? SON: And I like his music, but it’s a shame he hates women. ME: Eh? SON: You know, where he blames women for all the problems in the world – “No Woman – No Crime”. ME: I think you’re getting confused with Bob…

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Car Park Capers

Morrisons car park. It’s a little bit sweltering today. I’m jogging back to my car and there’s an older woman, unpacking her shopping at the car next to mine. I’m a bit worried that she’ll be the interfering, overly-judgy sort, so I decide to make a point about the fact that I’m not irresponsible and I’d never take silly risks: ME: (calling into car). I’m back! Only took a couple of minutes.…

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A Menagerie of Terriers and Working-Class Folk

A Menagerie of Terriers and Working-Class Folk

Happy Yorkshire Day! Perhaps only in Yorkshire, can one of the county’s most famous symbols – the Yorkshire Terrier – still be proudly kept on display, alongside the Egyptian mummies. In body, though not in spirit. This little chap was a true hero of the people of Keighley in West Yorkshire. Many Keighley – working-class – notables had paintings commissioned in their honour during the Victoria…

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Fix-it Lesson for Bob

Fix-it Lesson for Bob

I had to sit my son alongside me as I worked, for a good part of the year. This was so he wouldn’t be distracted from his online school lessons with gaming, YouTube and whatnot. To be honest, it all seemed like a complete waste of time, all those months … spent time, where he’d learned nothing. Other than; “Your job sounds really boring, Mum. Why don’t you become a games designer for…

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Summer Spoilsports

It’s 8am and my 16-year-old daughter is having a conversation with her friend, as they prepare to set off for school together. We’ve just been discussing birthdays – with my daughter trying to outfox her friend by saying that she was a ‘Spring Baby’ when she’d been born in September (it’s true – she was born in Namibia, in the southern hemisphere). I then mentioned that there is a growing body…

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Our Bob on Radio 4

Our Bob on Radio 4

If you haven’t ever listened to the ‘Saturday Live’ broadcast on BBC Radio 4, then you really do need to improve your radio-input outputs. ‘Saturday Live’ is presented by one of the UK’s most famous and big-hearted vicars Reverend Richard Coles. It has an audience of 2.5 million and it broadcasts a refreshing mix of both serious and light-hearted discussion, with interesting guest…

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Holiday Gender-Based Hell

Holiday Gender-Based Hell for International Women's Day

This magazine article that I recently wrote, started out as a cheery recollection of past holidays, However, after reading it, several female friends and family members pointed out that it had descended into ‘evidence that it probably isn’t best to go on holiday with the male species’. So, with this in mind – I thought I’d shove it up here – as a small celebration for International Women’s Day…

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Drunken Women Nicking Mackerels. And other Victorian Crimes

Drunken Women Nicking Mackerels. And other Victorian Crimes

I write for a rather smashing little magazine that goes to thousands of homes in the Tameside area. In this particular edition, I wanted to focus on ‘crimes of the past’ and I thought that no better place could be examined that the northern cotton mill town of Stalybridge… As seen through the eyes of my great x 3 grandfather – one of the first ever working-class men to be appointed as a…

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No Chips Here

Blimey oh Riley. We’ve already had record viewing figures for my British Library talk this morning. As part of their ‘Unfinished Business – the Fight for Women’s Rights’, I decided to do a talk called ‘A Room of One’s Own – I Wish!’ The talk was all about how it is nigh on impossible to be taken seriously if you are a woman from a working class background, and you want to write. But Nicola and…

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Big Mother - Watching You

Big Mother – Watching You

I’ve had to move my son so he’s in the same room as me, whilst he ‘home schools’. Apparently blocking YouTube and favourite gaming sites wasn’t foolproof enough. Big Mother needs to be watching him… I felt a bit guilty about this, so I made a snug little workspace, perched on the end of the bed, right next to me. And then I asked him was there anything else I could do to make the space more…