cleviation

[cleviation]

Rises the moon

The cool wind breeze blows against my skin. I look around, green grass fields surrounding me. I see a hill in the distance with a singular tree in its center. I walk towards it. I can hear the whisper of the air around me but I pay no attention to it. I reach the hill and sit under the tree. The journey here made me a bit tired. I don’t know why I feel so calm, I have no idea where I am, nor how I got here. I look at my surroundings once more, trying to get my thoughts on track. I see nothing but endless green seas of grass. There's some sort of comforting feeling that goes over me as I look into the distance. It's as if I feel happy being in an isolated place like this; It’s like I wanted to be here. I let out a deep sigh, not because I feel a bit scared.. but because I feel like I can finally breathe. It’s so refreshing when the only sounds you can hear is the swaying of the grass against each other. No one is with me and there is no more noise, no more tiny voices in my head; I am free. Although all my life I've claimed that I can’t survive without companionship, There would be moments where I would wish I could go somewhere quiet and isolated. The busy noise of life can be overwhelming, and sometimes I can’t handle it anymore. The sounds of people talking, the honking of cars, the noisy steps of people walking; All are becoming too much. 

  For a moment a thought slipped into my mind. Why don’t I just stay here? I have absolutely no idea how I got here so I probably would not be able to go back as well… The faces of my friends slip into my head. I can’t believe I forgot about them. It’s true that they are very dear to me, which is why I became hesitant about my choice to stay here. What will happen to them? Will they be alright? Will they notice I’m gone? Will they look for me? Will they… still remember me? Countless questions appear in my head as I recount my memories with my beloved friends. I go back to when I first met them, I was nervous as I was afraid they might not like me. It’s so funny thinking about it now that we’re closer than before and now that I know they would never judge me, I was able to be my true self whenever I was with them. Another memory slips into my head, meeting new friends and adding them to our group. I was so happy seeing how our group has gotten more people in it. Even before school started I was already planning on befriending people not just because I wanted more friends, but I also wanted to help my current friends find people who are like them or share the same interests as them. I would daydream about going around the classroom and asking people what their certain interests are, and if I found a match for either one of my friends I would call them over. Seeing them talk and create new friends made me happy. It might seem creepy but I was genuinely happy for them. Even though I wasn’t able to find people with the same interests as them I was still able to find people where they could comfortably talk to. I am glad they got along with our new friends. During the period when we all were still a bit awkward with each other, I was worried that I might make some of us feel left out, so I tried my absolute best to make sure I talked to everyone. It was so serious for me that I would get sad if I felt like I didn’t talk a lot with one of them. This worry probably stems from my experience when I was new here. I was at my lowest during that time; Trying to fit into a new group of people while slowly losing my connection with my old group of friends. I didn’t have anyone to talk to during these days, I could only sob loudly in front of my mother who was no help. A social person like me suddenly being put in a situation where I have no one to talk to broke me. It might seem like I was throwing a tantrum because no one talked to me but I needed someone to talk to. Even if it was just small talk I would be so happy I talked to someone. I didn’t want anyone to go through that deep feeling of aloneness. Even  though I know everyone has different experiences, I just wanted to make it clear to my new friends that they could talk to me whenever they wanted. Other memories pass through my head. I am still on top of the hill, and I still haven’t decided if I want to stay or go back to my dear friends. The sun starts to set and I am still in the same position I was in earlier. Many ideas are in my head and I’ve just been trying to decide on my choice. Comforting loneliness or Irreplaceable Happiness. I watch the pink hues in the sky appear as the sun slowly sinks into the void.

  The moon rises. The pink hues in the sky no more. I look straight into the moon as I finally choose what to do. I’ve thought about it deeply and; I choose to stay here. I know that I'm sacrificing my relationships and the source of my happiness, but... I’m just too tired now. Even though I have my friends with me to support me, I still have many worries and problems I need to face on my own. I don’t want to face them anymore. It’s too much for me. I still feel sad about leaving my friends, but I want to be selfish for just this once. To everything and every one of my problems; I hope you will never find me again and I can finally be at peace. To my friends... I’m sorry. 

  I could feel my eyes drooping as the night grew. I can finally rest. I let out one last breath before surrendering into slumber beneath the tree, as the moon watched me.