cloudyapp1e-blog

[cloudyapp1e-blog]

the first

I remember the first time I saw you in person, I was passing by bank and you jumped out to say hey. I think you were drunk. We talked online a lot, and I told you I was bisexual. I never kissed a girl before you. 

Julie was the type of love that had potential, if we met when we were adults maybe it would have been a better, longer story where we would have divulged into each other’s minds, to have a deep connection. Yet, everyone needs a first. I’m glad it was her. The first time I went to her house was an adventure. A dog mobbed her with kisses, the drool still on her black jumper when we got to her house. She was a bit drunk, and never told me how we were making it to her place. We walked about 25 minutes from bank to her house, which was down an alley in Harold’s Cross. She shared this with her mother, and another renter. That night, it was just us in the house. I was nervous. She was beautiful, her smile was my favourite feature of hers, and her accent was soothing to my ears, even though it wasn’t the typically favoured one. That night, she asked if I had ever kissed a girl before. I was so awkward, so quiet. I was frightened I would do the wrong thing, or that I would like it so much I would be gay. Eventually, I turned to her and kissed her. We kissed all night, getting on top of each other and switching every once in a while. By the time we had finished, the Sunday morning sun shone through her window, and through the lace blinds, onto her brunette hair and fair skin. That was the best way my first kiss could have gone. I am grateful that she was the one to give me that moment.

The next moment I remember is the night before Halloween. We met at bank, along with Khloe and Etain. Etain was her best friend and Khloe was mine. I was speaking with Etain and Khloe about them getting together, and they were trying to convince us to get together too. It was dark, and I don’t remember who asked who, probably you, but that day in 2011, you became my first girlfriend. I can’t remember too much other than little glimpses of our time together. You playing Alesana and Avenged Sevenfold while we got ready, spraying our hair with hairspray, you cuddling me while watching My Little Pony, you playing league of legends and trying to teach me, failing miserably. Oddly enough, as I grew up, we became more alike than I realised. We went trick or treating with your friend the next day. I was doing some screamo vocals on our ways through your estate, feeling the jelly bears jumping around my stomach and esophagus. What a cringy fuck, huh? Down one alley, I made up a horror story about a female slasher, and freaked your friend out so much, that was really entertaining. We annoyed her that night too, we thought she was asleep, so we did the kissing thing again. Oops. The next things I remember, I think it was the times we got back together throughout the years. We were always drawn to each other. I remember holding hands, walking to the park with the lake. We went under the bridge, and we talked for a while. I can vaguely remember staring at the waterfall. I remember the full moon that one night we went there late. I can remember walking that dog from Camden street, and meeting your mothers friends at the house by the triangle park. I remember walking the curb of the path like a tightrope while you walked beside me on the road, just talking. We were a teenage relationship but there was something mature about us that I could not find for years after the last time we were us. I think the curb was a metaphor, for my mental health that broke the relationship. The last break up, I got with Pea the next day. I am sorry for all of that. I am trying to learn not to regret and think about these things from the past, it is not who I am now, but it’s hard to. Yet, this is not about apologies or regrets, this is about you. 

Julie, you gave me fond memories, amazing firsts and i base a lot of what comforts me in a person on you. Thank you for being the person who took multiple chances on me, and being my first.