coffeerabbit

[coffeerabbit]

The older I get, the more I realise that understanding how my mind works is less like solving a maths puzzle (finding the one right solution to my problems) and is more so like solving a shrine puzzle in Breath of the Wild (finding a way to fling myself to the end that literally no one could have anticipated, but it works so technically this is a flawless move).

One of the weirder thing I've had to learn is how to actually treat myself as a way to reward myself for doing the right things.

One way I'm experimenting with this is by getting myself addicted to shows that i am only allowed to watch once I have completed a part of a big task that i'm putting off.

It's surreal explaining to people that i am watching a new series, but it's going to take me another 2-3 weeks to finish because I need to apply to at least 5 more jobs before i can boot up the next episode.

[coffeerabbit]

There is no success or failure. Only change.

I'm going to start this post by being honest:

I did not write this post for you to read.

You are welcome to do so, but know that as I am writing this post, I am not doing so with the intention to entertain or inspire. I am not going to tag this to increase visibility or use media or specific writing prose to increase user retention.

No, I'm writing this for me.

And I'm writing this so that I can't turn back, lest I prove to myself that I do not want to pursue creation as a part of my life.

Because time does not wait. It does not discriminate. And it holds no grudges

Time continues ever forward, moving at a pace slow enough that you can watch it slowly creep by second-by-second.

But blink only once, and you may find that weeks, months, or even years have passed you by and you've done nothing but watch the time go.

And after literal years of watching myself try to make things happen, attempting to record videos, scripting content, storyboarding concepts, doing everything under the sun shy of actually uploading a single thing, I've had to take a step back and admit something to myself that I didn't want to (but always sort of knew).

I am not just afraid to fail. I am not just afraid to succeed. I am afraid to change.

Because to me, changing means becoming something that does not feel safe, something that I cant guarantee myself is a path that gives me the comforts I have grown used to.

But this mindset is more destructive than anything else. Because change always happens. whether you want it to or not. The you that you see in the mirror today is not the you that you will see in the mirror tomorrow. It never is. It might look the exact same, think the exact same, and feel the exact same, but it's not the same. it's the you from tomorrow. And after that you will change in to the next 'you from tomorrow'. And then the next one. And then the next one. And then...

And this will continue for years, and years, like an ever changing colour gradient, until eventually you will reach a point where you can look back at the you from not even that long ago, and struggle to recognise who you're looking at.

The hair appear shorter. The eyes less sunken. It is you alright, but a young you. And it's at this point you can't deny that changes have happened, but only in appearance.

Despite your best intentions, you're still in the same place.

You have the same job, or no job at all. You haven't started that project that you've been telling yourself you will for ages now. You have all the pieces you need after all, you just need a perfect afternoon. You're still just a little too afraid to go outside, and you were fine with that because that fear kept you safe for so long that it became the norm. But now you're questioning just how valuable a 'safe' life is, when you can see how the sands of time have marked your face and eyes.

Personally, I think tonight really was that moment for me. Not strictly speaking in terms of the mirror, although my beard is quite a bit more 'there' then it used to be when i first wanted to make content, but in terms of really reflecting on how much things change, regardless of how much you do or don't to.

And so it's time for me to throw myself from the proverbial birds nest I have grown in. Without knowing how to fly.

Will I smash into the rocks below? Yes.

Will I die? No, this is a metaphor. You don't die in metaphors.

But that smashing into the rocks is important because that is the one thing I have been sheltering myself from for years now. Failure.

I need to let myself fail. Because there is no such thing as failure. There's also no such thing as success when you think about it.

They're both perspectives. Ways of perceiving the outcomes of the one true constant we have to deal with.

Change.

And so there really has never been a better time to plunge toward those very sharp-stabby rocks that may or may not be there, because it's only by experiencing what I can get wrong that I can prove to myself that I can get it right.

Sooooooo there you have it. A long-ass spiel about time, change and taking a literal-but-also-not-literal leap of faith. Something I wrote for me really.

If you're still here and you got something of worth from this, then thank you for making it this far, and please let this be a personal wakeup call for you if this is what you needed to hear.

After all, this account has no followers, and I did not tag this post myself. if you're seeing this, there's possibly a reason (possibly).

As for what now, the ice has been broken!

I'm going to leave this up as a memento of how hard it is to take the first step, and im going to continue using this blog as a record of the growth I want to see in myself.

Some posts may be short and sweet observations about my personal obsessions with psychology, philosophy, and neuromarketing. Others may be long rants like this, or little mini-journals of the stuff I'm working on as a way to keep myself accountable.

After all, time does not discriminate, Change happens regardless, And we become someone new every day, So we may as well try to become the people we want to be.