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i killed myself 80 times in my head this year and it's only january.

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As someone who likes being alone all the time usually, you know shit is getting bad when feeling alone starts to actually hurt you for once and you just want someone to hold you and be there.

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10 years since coming out this year. So I thought I’d share this spoken word to commemorate it. Let me know what you think!!

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6 and a bit years on T, 3 and a bit years post op top surgery

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What’s life like after transitioning??

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Purge for... me

The moment your eyes locked on my porous shell

I knew you’d come back

Back to visit even though the first time I cradled your body

you swore you’d never come back like this

 We’re not just acquaintances now but friends

the best of friends

When you need me

I will be here

Waiting for you

Any time of the day

You can come to me as much as you need to

 When you’ve had the worst of days

Come and wrap your arms around me

and I will hold you until your grazed knuckles

no longer shake

 You wouldn’t leave me

You couldn’t leave me

Even if you wanted to

When you’ve lost all your control

Come to me

I can give it all back

In exchange for your hand in life.

 Don’t listen to those people who think our relationship is toxic

They don’t understand us

They don’t understand what we have

What I give you.

 It’s been 9 days since you last held me

9 days since you kneeled before me

To swallow the secrets you can’t keep anymore

I am your safety

Don’t let go of that

 It’s been 26 days

26 days since I last heard the melody of your rings

Clank against your teeth;

I’ve forgotten what your favourite meal is

 You’ve replaced me with the people who say I’m no good for you

And never was.

They tell you how you look so great without me

But don’t forget who made you look great

I’m the one who caught your mistakes when you gave into temptation

 I made you;

I gave you this life

The world will never see you how I see you.

 Just know,

I’m longing for the day

When we can talk in tongues once again

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“When you love a person, there’s always a tiny part of you that terrified that one day you’re gonna lose them. But you have to let the people you love know that you love them, even if it causes you a great deal of pain.” -“Why? It sounds awful.” -“Because you’re alive.”

Sex Education (2019– )

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therapist: what’s your unhealthiest coping mechanism?

me: well... I listen to depressing music when I’m depressed to increase my depression.

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Today marks 5 years on T. 5 years ago I was a 16 year old boy finding my way in life about to embark on the biggest journey of my life. Today, I stand here as a 21 year old young man. A confident, outgoing, ambitious young man. At the age of 14 when I first realised I could be trans I was so scared. So scared of everything I was going to face. That 14 year old would be so in awe of the man he has become. It wasn’t easy by no means, but by god it was worth it,

Puberty round 2 is now over

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Can’t believe it’s been nearly 2 years since I made this video! Forever grateful for top surgery

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“Know that one day your pain will become your cure.”

— Rumi

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T is making me bald

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Some art I did with some boxes from my anti-depressants

A gentle reminder

Take your meds

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1 year 4 months post op top surgery

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2011 - 2018

4 years 4 months on T

1 year 4 months post-op top surgery

I am what I always wanted to be.