comewithknuckles

[comewithknuckles]

The Mash-Up Review

IrishMexicans unintentionally gravitate toward things that resemble them. Confusing, contradictory, celebratory synergies. Some time ago, I mentioned Mash-Up blogs to RM, and his response I love them. I’m all in. From the Hood Internet to more obscure DJ, each month we will seek out the Mash-Ups and seek them out. 

This topic had quieted for some time. But last night, I found myself fall into the Wormhole of the Mash-Up and later found myself at 4am listening to Cake and Blessid Union of Souls on Spotify (inspired by the final track on this list), and I am not ashamed of it. Shout out to BootieMashUp.com (which is not as sinister as it sounds) for curating these songs.

Fifty Shade of Love - Ellie Goulding x Oasis x White Snake x Green Day x t.A.T.u.: I see what you did there. A who’s who of folks across decades! At the one minute mark we learn that Christ is Salvation. (Sidenote: Was Billy Joe’s voice always this horrific?)  Whitesnake and Green Day overlaid, brilliant! And just when you thought you'd heard the song, it get's a 2nd wind. How many mash-ups have legs this long?

Yellow Snowman - Coldplay x Frozen: This sounds like it should not be ingested. But we do discover the real reason being the ‘conscious uncoupling’, this collaboration. Living For (What Is) Love - Madonna x. Haddaway: If you know who Haddaway is - either you worship Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan. Since Haddaway is the root of what was wrong and beautiful with SNL in the 90s. Or you are my father. (Yes. My pops is a die hard Haddaway Fan. But that is another blog entry.) As the song crescendos I see the duo banging and grinding on Madonna. Poor Madonna. From Canseco to Rodman to A-Rod to Drake to the Butabi Brothers. Think about that ... that's like 4 generations of sports 80s, 90s, 00s, loosely 10s and a weak stretch of SNL. Bless her.

Dark Pony - Katy Perry x Juicy J x Ginuwine): I wanted to like this one soooooo much. Katy Perry x Ginuwine. But too much Perry. Not enough deep pony bass sweat. The 'DJ' of this mashup is either 60 or 20. And did not have a real, passionate intentions for a girl while in high school. (Sidenote: That opening made me realize that producers in the 90s really were mad scientists, as I am convinced those were laboratory sounds. Or maybe a meth lab.) Uptown Jungle Funk - Mark Ronson x Bruno Mars x Kool & the Gang: I feel like this is likely going to inspire a redux of I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. I am okay with that as long as Marlon does not hear about it happening.

All About That Groove - Meghan Trainor x Deee-Lite: Groove is in the Heart will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. I am a purist when it comes to this song. Nothing will ever supplant this song. But I applaud them for trying to parallel these 2 songs as they are in the same bizarro world and probably should not be being belted out by 4 year old children, like my nephew (now) or my cousin (then). 

Just Don’t Care - Depeche Mode x Icona Pop: A recent article noted that folks stop listening to new music after they turn 33. This is total bullshit. If you want to hear new music you will. However, the heart of this is false after you listen to this song, you will realize that new music and old music is EXACTLY the same. Please don’t tell the Illuminati or Depeche Mode fans. The other explanation - Depeche Mode time traveled to the future and brought these sounds back in time. I am not giving Icona Pop time traveling credit. Seven Nation Funk - Mark Ronson x Bruno Mars x The White Stripes: The White Stripes will perpetually remain genius. Even the massively consumed and overplayed Seven Nation Army remains a heavy hitter. Lay anything over their track and Jack & Meg will elevate the other song to unknown heights. Seven Nation Army is just dandy, Uptown Funk, now better. Can’t Tell Me Where It’s At - Kanye West x Beck: This guy goes all in on Kanye. No time to marinate on just the instrumental of Beck. He knows he wants this track to rest on the spine of that old braggadocio of Kanye. The kind that chops you in the throat from .00001 seconds into the song. The laid back Scientologist Beck and the virility of young Kanye. The world is not ready for this duplicity. Oh wait up. Even worked in the rants. Chilling. And then boom, the rant. This is a straight sneak attack. Like Kanye just hologrammed up on my desk and started telling me off. I'd accept whatever he had to tell me, and I have nothing to tell him back. Nothing. I look at the song and it is at 3:25 and I realize that maybe I started doing coke from the song. I am hyped. I need to rush up on a stage. And then maybe just chill at a kickback. Stay Back Down - Sam Smith x Tom Petty: Either Sam Smith is a direct descendant to the MicroMachines Commercial Guy from the 80s or we are getting a look into the near future, where Sam Smith continues to struggle with fat-shaming as a gay man (which is total bullshit), and has turned to meth to manage his metabolism, and is rushing through this song so he does not miss a session with his dealer. I wanted it to work. Tom Petty. Sam Smith. But speeding up the voice of Sam. Damn man. Damn. Especially, when Tom would have been completely down to slowing up. Wretched.

And this is what it all has been leading to. The end of the mash-up world.

Rock In The End: Linkin Park x Evanescence x Nirvana x The Offspring x Incubus x Nine Inch Nails x Third Eye Blind: If Coachella started in the early 90s, I’m pretty sure this would have been a summary of the headlining acts in the Coachella Valley. Complete with a lot of regret in booking some of these folks. But I digress. This mash-up is like some undiagnosed ADHD kid turned on 8 alt-rock stations on full blast in the Stereo Section at a Circuit City while a sales associate tries to sell a projection tv to his dad, decked out in Zubaz pants. 

Hold off on starting your day, get right with Jesus, spend 11 minutes meditating, 2 minutes self-medicating, 8 more minutes meditating and fall into the hole.

This is what my 21 year old self always wanted, but did not know notes or words existed to describe this all in 4 minutes and 30 seconds sharp.

Wait. This is essentially my "Get Well Soon Derrick Playlist". Shit. I had repressed forgotten about that playlist. 

[comewithknuckles]

Live reactions to Allen Iverson’s Top 10 Plays of Career

10 - I'm so down. How do you begin with this "alley-oop". Great pass Derrick Coleman. You know he wanted the assist. Iverson - the personification of making something from nothing.

9 - I want to step over every person I have ever had words with like this in any and all situations within sports, the Chik-Fil-A line, and my baptism.

8 - His career was essentially an And1 Mixtape Tour.

7 - His teammate had heard Coach Brown scream 'Pass it to Iverson' and he just gave that ball to Jesus. Gave that ball to Jesus up in the sky and Jesus found the Answer. Sidenote: Matt Geiger probably is the Undertaker in the WWE.

6 - Gotta pause it. Jordan is my hero. I know how this ends. Need to prepare for the blasphemy.

5 - The next person who tries to tell me that Allen Iverson is not in the Top 5 of PGs of all time should only watch this highlight. He drove. Took the foul. Looked around the entire Denver Nugget Bench. Thought about passing to the guy who should have been in the corner for the 3. Sought Permission from the coach. And rained in a teardrop.

4 - He remade the Pip-Jordan free throw jam! Except, he did it without the knowledge of Derrick Coleman knowing he was about to be saved by Iverson. Sidenote: Look how small he is when running back on defense when next to Coleman. Also, this play is the real reason why basketball is dead in Seattle.

3 - I don't believe that I have ever seen somebody get broken off twice on back to back crossovers. I think Messi has been watching Iverson highlights in preparation for his own highlight reel.

2 - I'm now convinced that NBA Jam was conceived in preparation for everyone to to be able to 'play' like Iverson. I am still not sure why the next was not aflame and somebody did not yell - He's on fire!, when the ball went through the hoop. Sidenote: Marcus Camby sure is nice. Giving Iverson a piggyback ride after pulling of such a feat of strength.

I've paused it again. I don't know what to expect. I'm going with a triple crossover, a blown kiss to David Stern, and an up and under dunk on Shawn Bradley.

1 - My house! Yes. Yes it is. This is how you should begin every morning. Every morning. Yelling and hyped.

-ac

[comewithknuckles]

Marginalia: Night Bicycle Diaries Volume 1 - Fresno Edition

The above picture is of the moon, moments before I begin a series of late night bike rides. This was not going to be a series until RM mentioned he does the same thing in NYC. The milieu differs the moment pedal and boot meet, as I will dip in and about the fringes of city – where suburb turns to field turns to the outs. He in vintage road bike, I in borrowed and clearance-aisled mountain bike.

May 6th – 11:45pm to 12:41am. Distance Traveled – 1.2 miles. *More on the pace later

All I hear is chain. I know this is not good. But I pedal anyway and notice resistance as I come out of the neighborhood and onto the main road. This is likely built into the DNA of most Irish-Mexican in America – there is resistance, maybe trouble, maybe your life is at risk, but you push through it.

You find a way.

But this is not pushing through pain; this is a chain slightly askew. And I find myself pedaling furiously and steadily losing momentum, coming to a stop near a primered mid-60s Ford pick-up. It’s in rough-shape (the truck), and I look at the stickers on the bumper (Santa Cruz’s Mystery Spot) and rear window (Cage Fighting brand TapOut), and know this is the truck restored. But more importantly, wonder if the gods are speaking to me through these stickers.

They probably are not, because there is no mystery in the chain coming undone. I flip the bike and spin the wheels and notice that when I last tightened the rear wheel (earlier that afternoon), I had done so slightly off center. I realign the wheel when I hear a car slowing and look up.

“Fucking idiot man! That’s why your poor ass should buy a car. Ha!” The high-pitched voice rolls his window back up and peels out.

I could talk about his car, style of dress, headgear choices, or the youthful brashness in his voice; but I will just simply say that he is not alone. A critical component in the night bicycle diaries. Fresno feels this way about bicycling. Poor people. Kids. Silly hipsters and their special habits.

If you bike along roads, and not along tree-lined trails designated for bicycling you exist on the margins. You are marginalia.

I position the wheel and align the chain. Tighten the wheel. And off I roll, sticking to primary streets and wanting to get back home to ensure I don’t come undone while biking in the dark.

-ac

[comewithknuckles]

The Curious Case of Vengeance upon the House of Boateng, Or the Pain of US Soccer Fanaticism in light of the Miraculous Messi

For the last 10 minutes, I watched the Vine of Leo Messi publicly shaming Jerome Boateng, a feat that brought me through the 7 stages of fanatical celebration, which also horrifically mirrors the 7 Stages of Grief.

Stage 1 - Shock & Denial: Cleats should prevent a man's legs from simply falling from under him. He had to have forgotten to wear cleats today. Messi paid a man to remove his cleats before the game. Isn't JR Smith still suspended from the NBA Playoffs?

Stage 2 - Pain & Guilt: He had to fall over - he risked tearing ACLs, MCLs, LCLs, and perhaps provide Dr. Andrews with new CLs to to explore, repair and make a new career out of repairing previously unknown xCLs. Please don't let Derrick Rose read this post.

Stage 3 - Anger & Bargaining: That name sounds familiar. Googling Boateng. Reading. Learning. Jerome, half-brother to Prince. This is the brother of the guy who scored on US in the 2010 World Cup Quarterfinals. A 2-1 loss that could have been a win. He stole our World Cup! If only it were his brother experiencing this shame. Hopefully, his brother saw this happen to Jerome while in the middle of Scrooge McDuck diving into his pool of gold doubloons, and choked on each and every one of them while sobbing for his brother's torn knee ligaments.

Stage 4 - Depression, Reflection & Loneliness: I know US soccer players can never break someone off that way. But could they at least try to finish like that. I mean look at the velocity transferred into that soft chip that was over Manuel Neuer. Neuer! Nothing will ever bring US soccer this much joy. This video should be called The Case Against US Soccer. Pretending not to cry a little.

Stage 5 - The Upward Turn: Why am I projecting Messi on the US? This is his moment. I should celebrate him destroying a sworn blood-enemy of US Soccer through the subtle tapping of his feet on a ball. To eradicate an opponent through such minute change of direction. Now that is glorious! Watches 10 more minutes of Messi Vine. (This sounds like a really frightening abyss of short video if things autocorrect to messy. Do not let anything autocorrect you ever again. You are always correct.)

Stage 6 - Reconstruction & Working Through: That was amazing. I need to go online and see what memes have been created to commemorate the shaming of the Brother Boateng. More Googling. Watching Twitter gif of Boateng falling into a Wyle E. Coyote hole, as Messi *meep, meeps* his way to goal.

(Another 30 minutes pass)

Stage 7- Acceptance & Hope: Maybe this is not the end. Maybe this is the beginning. Maybe Messi has liberated Boateng by unplugging him from The Matrix. Thinking. He gets the World Cup with Germany and is freed of any and all expectations of future defending. From now on, all he will hear is - Great job out there Boateng, you did not suffer a bout of narcolepsy while defending. 

Today the spirit of Jerome fell. And now, only a portion of the House of Boateng knows true agony and ecstasy. And this will haunt the lesser, but more villainous Boateng for eternity. 

Unless Messi finds him, and blesses him like he honorably did to Jerome. Soon lesser-Boateng. Soon.

-ac

[comewithknuckles]

Top 10 Baseball Movies of All Time

The thing about a “best baseball movie” list is that the only “best baseball movie” is the one that was popular when you started playing baseball. And then there is the other, objective, actual best baseball movie of all time, which is, of course, Major League. That said, there is 100% overlap in my best baseball movie venn diagram because the first year I wore St Monica’s Bulldog pinstripes was 1989, the very year that Major League came out. Incidentally, it was the same year Batman came out and I had “Kim Basinger” written on the inside of my glove. So there goes the suspense factor, guys. Major League is the best baseball movie ever made. No exceptions. And I don’t wanna hear any whining about The Sandlot not making the list. Kid’s movies are not in consideration. Also: The Sandlot wasn’t that good. 

Here we go.

Honorable mention: Major League 2 (Wesley Snipes swapped out for Omar Epps, antics ensue)

#10: 8 MEN OUT

When I found out that some Chicago gangsters successfully bribed White Sox players to throw the World Series, I became a brief White Sox bandwagoner (yet another thing I have in common with the President). I watched the movie in my grandma’s living room on a TV that looked like an old liquor cabinet—you know the ones—and loved every minute of it. I suppose people were horrified by this story and think of it as the darkest moment in sports history or whatever, but I thought it was great. Maybe this explains my blasé attitude toward performance enhancing drugs. Cheating is part of the game, guys. Get over it. (BARRY BONDS, G.O.A.T.)

#9: A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN

Yeah, you heard me. When’s the last time you watched this gem? I saw it two weeks ago and it was still GREAT. “There’s no crying in baseball!” This was, by far, Tom Hank’s second best role of all time, right behind The Man With One Red Shoe.

#8: AIR BUD: SEVENTH INNING FETCH

I know I said no kids’ movies, but it’s a dog playing baseball! Have a heart.

#7: THE ROOKIE

No, not The Rookie of the Year. The ROOKIE. Maybe it’s because I’m 33 years old now and I still have not accepted the idea that I will never play professional baseball, but this movie is a real source of inspiration and it’s about what a TRULY GREAT baseball movie should be about: The Closer (see also: Major League,). 

#6: SUGAR

Indie alert! This is the story of a Dominican kid bred for baseball and his odyssey through the American farm system. He’s called up by Kansas City, but soon realizes he doesn’t really like playing baseball and AWOLs to live in Washington Heights and work as a carpenter. Then he plays baseball the way it was meant to be played: on the weekend, with his homies, while drinking beer. Beautifully shot, well written, well acted. Great flick.

#5: MR. 3000

Just kidding. 

#4: THE NATURAL

I actually never saw this one, but come on: it’s The Natural!

#3: KEN BURNS’ BASEBALL

This is the History of everything that ever happened on Earth that humans should care about. When you’re done watching all 500 hours, don’t forget to watch Burns’ 2010 update, which includes the strike, the 94 Expos, Sosa v McGuire and The Tortured Soul of Barry Bonds.

#2: THE EXORCISM OF ALEX RODRIGUEZ

This one doesn’t come out until 2025, but trust me: it’s a must-see. 

#1: MAJOR LEAGUE

Do I have to explain? It’s particularly fascinating now to watch Charlie Sheen playing an edgy, disturbed closer, considering his friendship with edgy, disturbed closer Brian Wilson, who was his image consultant during the great “Tiger Blood” meltdown. (True story, look it up.)

Also: BOB EUCKER, everybody! Mr Baseball! This is what it’s all about. If you don’t know, now you do.

-rm

[comewithknuckles]

The Sausage King of Chicago

“You’re Abe Froman … the Sausage King of Chicago?”

And Bueller retorts, “Are you suggesting I am not who I say I am?”

The NBA All Star Game brings me back to Ferris Bueller and Chicago. Particularly, because Ferris Bueller is a happy memory from my childhood, and the state of the Chicago Bulls has forced me to 'check-out' on a potentially 3rd consecutive lost season and in search of a happy place.

A quick recap: Chicago Bulls fans hearts' are collectively filled with joy. Thibs grinds. Season starts. Thibs grinds. Derrick Rose injures good knee in his cameo 'return' done for the season. Thibs grinds. Carlos Boozer complains. Thibs grinds. Deng traded for Bynum. Thibs grinds. Bynum spontaneously combusts during first practice with Bulls cut. Thibs Grinds. Noah grinds. Thibs grinds. All Star Break. Thibs asks his men to grind during the ‘break.

At this point, I was holding out for the lottery. Finding a quality college star who is not afraid to grind and relieve the burden on Rose. I wanted it to be over and next year could be a fresh start.

But what do I find in my check-in. Bulls last in scoring, 2nd best in points allowed a game, and 2 games above .500 in the abysmal ‘competitive’ Eastern Conference through the sheer grind.

This is a strange place to be as a fan. And in honor of such a conflicted space, I take it back to a time when music was confused, a 90’s “rock” playlist I’d like to call: “Get Well Soon Derrick”, but am leaning toward “The Brief and Wondrous Sound of the 1990s Can Cure’.

Better Than Ezra - "Desperately Wanting"

Our Lady Peace – “Superman’s Dead”

The Verve Pipe – “The Freshmen”

Bush – “Glycerine”

Nada Surf – “Popular”

The Offspring – “Gone Away”

Candlebox – “Far Behind”

Creed – “My Own Prison”

Limp Bizkit – “Faith”

4 Non Blondes – “What’s Up?”

Butthole Surfers - "Pepper"

Currently at the break, Chicago is the 4th seed for the playoffs. Abe Froman apparently, is not the Sausage King of Chicago. Cue the soundtrack.

Thibs grinds.

-ac

[comewithknuckles]

The Dark Season

I have just finished watching the closing arguments of the McLaughlin Group. I repeat. I have just finished watching the McLaughlin Group! Where I think I noticed Pat Buchanan smile once or maybe it was relief from a commercial break, for the first time since he thought building a border wall was a good idea someone would vote for him.

Before the reality of watching grumpy old men mixed with the reality of no football or meaningful basketball clouded my self-worth, I channel surf and find a bull snorting mucus and kicking feverish and immediately stop surfing – this must be When Animals Attack XXXVI Bull Riding!

The analysts announcers say this is 15 (riders) on 15 (bulls). So as a non-expert: I think it is safe to assume that not dying is victory for a rider and being showered in the blood you’ve gored from your foe is victory for the bull. Most dead, least blood wins.

So far this is what I expect, with Wranglers and Jack Daniels logos blazoned everywhere from ads to shirt collars, which makes sense, I would hope that impaired thought would be involved in straddling a spitting 1-ton animal.  But then I see these amazingly Spaceball-esque helmets that would make the slightest of slot receivers wish they were provided to them by the NFL, and wonder if Roger Goodell knows about this concussions are a problem in bull riding.

Yet the mythic snorting beast returns to the screen and distracts me. Either this bull is asthmatic or he is able to simply breath rage. I have just been introduced to Bushwacker. The most dominant bull that is in bull riding today. His brilliance? He’s lighter and stronger that other bulls, at 1,750 lbs he can contort and change direction violently. (Picturing Barry Sanders x Christian Okoye.) Only 2 riders have ever survived a run with him. He is kept in a separate pen so as not to hurt the other bulls. (Now we are back to the happy place.) His horns are shorn off, and I believe he scraped them down himself (an homage to Hellboy perhaps), just to lure silly, jack and coke guzzling men into believing he posed them no threat, only to discover that you have been bamboozled.

The announcers are out of spun Bushwacker story, so instead I invent my own. Raised by a single mom. Was the inspiration for Hunger Games villian. Did some time but was luckily charged as a minor.

Several bulls cast off their riders and I realize that Professional Bull Riding does not have clowns like I imagined they do. The guys that are ‘clowns’ have face paint and look like they are getting ready for the MotoX Games or awaiting the ICP concert and the rest of the Juggalos. Bummer for the clowns, they should have unionized.

The phlegm monster reappears in a 4’ by 8 pen with the next arrogant rider, a lot quieter than the announcers have built him up. This is problematic for the guy strapped onto him. He is probably saving his energy or visualizing the apex of the thrown cowboy above him. Or both.

It is go time and 2 men, who are obviously foolish not nearly compensated enough for what they do, open the gate and pull the gate away with a rope, and try to stay the hell away from everything.

Bushwacker is freed.

He kicks, seizes, bucks and spins as yard-long strings of mucus whip and flail aimless, and soon the rider is like the fluid, expelled and thrown aside. The final plant to kick finding the riders leg, snapping the bone. All in 4.59 seconds.

Bushwacker puts his head down, and quietly returns to his solitude. He knows this is the Dark Season, and the Winter Olympics are no match for wanting to be left alone.

-ac

[comewithknuckles]

Watching "The NFL is Rigged"

My father is a conspiracy theorist. Sasquatch. Crop Circles. Area 51. The ability to get to the center of the tootsie pop.

And in response, as any good son would, I have taken the alternate route – conspiracies don’t exist.

Except when it comes to sports. An 80’s child, I have been aware of the blurred reality of entertainment, profit and athleticism, since Koko B. Ware flapped his arms in a mini-ring, parrot in hand, on his way to his WrestleMania match, the Ultimate Warrior seized and shook his way into the Intercontinental Title and people watch hockey because players are allowed to fight not because of Gretzky. (Sorry Canada.) And, as a poor kid living off potatoes and cheese for extended periods of my childhood, I understood that most folks had to hustle to survive and rich folks had to swindle to make sure they remained rich (a poor kid’s definition of Capitalism).

This is what I first thought of when RM sent me this YouTube Video “NFL is Rigged” – yes, of course it is rigged: There are a billions of dollars at stake. People are human. People need to make money. And, while I am still reading a few Wikipedia pages, referees may in fact be people and under the employ of a corporation with a net work in excess of all the tea in China, and Teavana.

What follows are my reactions as I watched the video for the first time.

  0:07

Don’t know what I am getting into, but I’m pretty sure that Immortal Technique funded this project. and as such. i. am. in! Also, I’d like to discuss why the 2000s started the rigging of football games. Has anyone ever seen Brett Favre read a defense? Or realiize Jeff Hostetler won a super bowl? Or suffered a concussion?

  0:18

“Create” – I am pretty sure the person who posted this air quotes: women issues, honesty and the 12th man.

  0:30

I think the Star Wars scrolling opening would have been more of an olive branch to win over viewers. Put the mind at ease.

  1.00

I’m disappointed. I wanted to see grainy footage. I’d trust a man with an 8mm camera. Means he was in the shit himself.

  1:25

a) I don't like that the TE spells his name with 2 ‘L’s: Willson.

b) I think a new point system should be invented to take into account dribbling another player’s skull.

c) I think MasterBlaster invented that move.

  1:53

If you want to be taken seriously, you should really turn off the bug zapper.

  3:41

Never seen a human struggle to use a mouse and keyboard so much in my entire life. I'm guessing he is wearing mittens. Or opening a can of pringles. Or a can of tennis balls.

  4:45

I want this to person to show their face. For some reason, I know he is wearing a ski mask. A red, 49er ski mask.

  5:27

How many ... ? Just about all of them. This man must be a statistician. Likely Nate Silver. But I agree.

  6:00

Not sure who the guy is on the sideline. But that mustache single handedly could have led the Niners to victory.

  6:45

I think someone is crying in the background. I've heard those cries. That's Fanatical Collateral Damage - whoever else there has had to watch that video just about 1,000,000 times. And they can't go on.

  6:56

New Rule: Someone takes out your plant leg on a punt, the NFL should allow a free kick, by the punter, on any body part, selected by the punter, on an offending team’s player of their choice. I think starting these "Punter Games" will provide some critical decisions not seen since Catniss.

  7:27

I've decided that this video was edited by the most intelligent baby in the world. An infant's hand would struggle with a mouse. I think I am hearing a small, stubby fingers struggle with the dexterity of the left/right click. They are brilliant and will one day make billions doing brilliant people things. They will buy the Seahawks and move them to Oklahoma. 2032 - The Oklahoma F5s are Super Bowl Champs. And yes, the baby is wearing a red niner ski mask.

  8:06

I don't know if we can see it again. You tell me genius silicon baby.

  10:26

I don't feel like kicking coach. Maybe next time.

  12:10

This really was the Super bowl.

  13:00

If the world is coming to an end and all that needs to happen is hold onto a ball while all your limbs are torn off. I put ALL my money on Bowman. He is a tragic hero, Herodotus time travels to include him in the 2nd edition.

14:57:

“I appreciate it.” I think what this video tells me is that nobody appreciates a referee. So I don't believe it. Baby Zuckerberg Mouse Fool Genius should've shown his face. Although, if anyone would appreciate a referee it would be a Stanford educated athlete. A thug would know, never appreciate some dude who enforces 'rules'.

-ac

[comewithknuckles]

Worst. Bowl. Ever.

Regardless of how you feel about time travel, you must accept that we have all been transported back to the Nineties. Girls are wearing Doc Martens, La Bouche is playing in American Apparel, sunglasses are round, someone from Seattle won a Grammy and the NFC Championship is The Real Super Bowl. As some of you recall (I hope), twenty years ago, whoever won the NFC Championship between the Cowboys, Niners and Packers went on to demoralize some already demoralized AFC nobody. Sound familiar?

At times today, it seemed as if the Seahawks had wandered into a taping of Friday Night Tykes (google it). To pass the frustratingly sober obligatory viewing, we live-texted what we determined were the lowest of the lowpoints. This is what happens when no beer is consumed, the real super bowl happened two weeks ago and all you can do is watch THE. WORST. SUPER BOWL. EVER.

(Pre-Game)

AC:

         reporter: harry connick jr - who are you rooting for today?

         harry connick jr: your kidding. the new orleans saints baby.

         reporter: so not interested?

         harry connick jr: saints. all the way.

         end scene.

RM:

         Haha!!! Reminds me of when Homer Simpson meets God and God asks him, "does St. Louis still have a team?" Just realized we don't have Fox on out TV. Running the auto program.

AC:

         radio shack is best bet though.

RM:

         Right! Good call.

         Kickoff at 630 or that's the pregame?

AC:

         635

RM:

         Sheit.

AC:

         streams free online via fox and nfl.

RM:

         Right on.

(Seattle Safety, 2-0)

AC:

         a) nobody does better starting line ups than Sunday night football.

         b) the GOP party will find the center for Denver and remove him should the broncos not win

         if I put Pete Carroll as coach of any team: I probably hate them. if it's my own team: I take a sports sabbatical.

RM:

         Time travel scenario: Pete Carrol, head coach of 85 bears.

(Seattle FG, 5-0)

AC:

         fridge eats self to death, McMahon od's and Walter Payton breaks all rushing records OR fridge develops coke addiction, loses a ton of weight and IS the 85-92 bears defense. either way: McMahon and fridge hearts explode, +/- 10 years.

RM:

         Sound predictions.

         What is this game I'm watching?

(Seattle FG, 8-0)

AC:

         oh. the media forgot to tell us: the superbowl was 2 weeks ago.

         I will say: if the broncos offense can turn back on at 50%, still might be enough.

(Seattle TD, 15-0)

RM:

         Lookin’ like Eli on a bad day. But I agree with you. It's crazy how much I hate these guys. Lot of anger comin’ out.

AC:

         I'm visualizing a pimple that just keeps oozing. Eli is going to have to sacrifice himself for this to work.

(Seattle Int TD, 22-0)

RM:

         That's it. I'm watching Downton Abbey.

AC:

         I'm sticking with it: Bruno Mars gonna turn this around.

(Halftime)

RM:

         Yeah I mean obviously I'm joking but shit man.

AC:

         I agree. I really think they were not prepared for the brutality of the game. niners only team in the NFL that could match that --- need a lifetime ban type hit right now.

RM:

         I haven't watched Denver at all this year, all I heard was their numbers. Except for the AFC Champ game.

AC:

         they're being bossed around. they are a lot better than this.

RM:

         So I'm having a hard time imagining these guys scoring more points than any other offense in the history of the NFL.

AC:

         one problem I see is those bunch forms :: toooooooooo tight ... allows cbs/lb cover so little ground. these picks won’t work. they started to do that. I hope flea ain't wearing any underwear. that’ll revive all of this.

(Halftime Show Begins.)

RM:

         Kids singing! WTF!? Why!?

AC:

         super bowel entertainment

RM:

         How you gonna START with a drum solo?

AC:

         grow your hair our like that. drum solos are weak ... but should say I don't know who or what or why bruno mars.

RM:

         And are you telling me this is a different song than The Police S.O.S.?

AC:

         I assumed this was. just as I did that goyte thing was

RM:

         The Gotye song sounds like SOS too?

AC:

         I figured it was. like a dj got ahold of it

RM:

         I would say I need to go listen to it again but I never want to hear that song again.

AC:

         there are some really confused nfl fans drunk in the stands right now.

RM:

         If I were a Denver fan, this might have me considering self harm.

AC:

         rip off the police and James brown: gets you a Super Bowl gig

         foresight: legalizing pot is part of the solution to prevent self harm.

RM:

         Derivative Teenie pop.

AC:

         keidis looks like iggy pop next to mars

RM:

         I wish those choir kids would come back out to sing "what I got, you got to get it, put it in you"

AC:

         they made flea wear pants: figured jock strap at most. I love it.

RM:

         Fingers crossed fleas got tear aways on. Under the Bridge!! Come on!!!!! I should be drunk heckling right now.

AC:

         5 bucks says Bruno Mars didn't even know this was a football game.

(Halftime Show Ends.)

RM:

         Neither does Payton Manning. Ooooooo!

         Is this a commercial for gentrification?

AC:

         I'm pretty sure it was. most commercials speak to the world of gentrification.

RM:

         Cookie dough donut!? I can't handle any of this.

AC:

         Thought the same thing. DD brought to you by Diabetes.

RM:

         I'm becoming like the guy from that twilight zone episode who wishes everybody in the world disappears so he can just read books in peace.

AC:

         jerry ricecake. no. no. NO!

RM:

         Rude.

AC:

         SCIENTOLOGY!!!

(Seattle Kickoff TD Return, 29-0)

RM:

         Dude I'm done. It's fuckin puppy bowl time.

         I should have tweeted that.

AC:

         if Peyton pulls this off: I'm guessing he probably can murder anyone he sees on the sideline and gets away with it.

RM:

         Bruno Mars. This is shit.

AC:

         Um so yeah, Super Bowl happened 2 weeks ago.

RM:

         Good call bro. "It's just a terrible play". Every time Pete Carrol laughs, an orphan drowns.

AC:

         Himself.

RM:

         Haha!

AC:

         what you got going on tonight? if your response isn't :: raze everything within a mile radius ... I will question your sanity.

         I hate watching holiday return kicks. so tiny: looks like someone will toss him into the stands like nfl blitz

         poor Pam Oliver. she really should manage her money better. should've retired years ago

RM:

         Well she didn't spend it on wigs.

AC:

         or jackets

RM:

         Deyamn. If they don't score on this drive, I'm doing the dishes.

AC:

         Richard Sherman down.

RM:

         Have we talked about the new "sympathy" music?

AC:

         no. tell me more.

RM:

         Whenever there's an injury timeout, Fox plays a Muzak version of their jingle to indicate their sympathy

AC:

         you're right. slowed up.

RM:

         At Goddell's insistence. I'm sure.

AC:

         I don't give a shit about this Super Bowl. Jack Bauer is back. He is BACK! America wins. gooddell responsible for all of this

RM:

         Why hasn't the league banned the blackout visor yet?

AC:

         have you seen the pitcher safety hats?

RM:

         This is the worst Super Bowl since Baltimore 2000. 2001.

AC:

         this is the worst Super Bowl since Peyton manning was here before. When this essentially happened to the bears. scored on a kickoff. and never put anything else together.

RM:

         2005? Worst celebrity roll call ever.

AC:

         Michael Douglas. Damn. not sure if it's bad that broncos are doing this. OR if it's worse I continue watching.

         Sochi. So. CHI. Sochi!

RM:

         I don't know when to call it. I hate when Carroll goes for it on 4th down. Just remembering NFC game. Guess I shouldn't be.

AC:

         I hate it when Carroll wakes up in the morning. that was a good superbowl game.

RM:

         I imagined him doing it here. Like he was playin madden.

AC:

         FYI: I saw them shooting the Seinfeld commercial

RM:

         Yeah they did the interiors there too.

AC:

         what was more expensive? Kia Super Bowl commercial? or buying the rights to use the matrix for the commerical? cowboy curtis works for nyquil so he's out of the cost picture.

RM:

         Why does Heinz still need to advertise? Who's buying Hunts?

AC:

         you buy hunts when Heinz sold out. Darkness. Bruce Willis ain't watching the same game.

RM:

         No! Bruce Willis! It is NOT a great game!!!!!

AC:

         I've decided that Gooddell is trying to associate the nfl with the integrity of PTSD and justified casualty in the name of freedom of the military veteran to lessen the impact of CTE and concussions.

RM:

         Interesting theory.

AC:

         baseball and basketball do their thing. but not to the intense branding the nfl does. gooddell is tillman'ing

RM:

         That's a fucked up verb.

AC:

         and gooddell is using it.

RM:

         What is Manning warming up for?

AC:

         visualization in supporting the concept that his passes can be completed. Stuart Smalley is catching his passes.

(Seattle TD, 36-0)

RM:

         I can't believe the Seahawks are gonna win a Super Bowl.

AC:

         sf would've blown them out too.

RM:

         I had no idea.

AC:

         soft. that's all. so much softness.

RM:

         What are you about to sell me bob Dylan?

AC:

         Why is there a man wearing eyeblack in the Seattle suite? bob dylan selling cars. poor bastard. I don't imagine Dylan driving. or using driving gloves.

RM:

         Bob Dylan just told me to "let Asia assemble your phone"

AC:

         and Germany make my beer.

RM:

         Kevin Hart back to receive.

AC:

         Rock and jock time! I think they'd still lose with money ball td. Sidenote: how many years will Welker live after he retires?

RM:

         None. Dies on the field.

AC:

         correct.

(Denver TD, 36-8)

RM:

         Sick grab. Back in it!!!

AC:

         I will note that Seattle has as many PED suspensions as the rest of the nfl in total. #dontfactcheckme

RM:

         #wasntgonna

AC:

         Sherman had a Braun argument and won his appeal.

RM:

         Awww! Bears rip!

         I'll write the headline: "WORST. SUPER BOWL. EVER."

AC:

         commercials: muppets, morpheus and the death of bob dylan

RM:

         I want Animal to deliver the eulogy at Bob Dylan's funeral: Matrix 4.

AC:

         when a "casual" viewer, such as my girlfriend, says: “this is terrible.” this is horrific.

RM:

         Listen for the sympathy music.You hear it!?

AC:

         yup.

RM:

         It's Goddell's ring tone.

AC:

         and he learned the piano to play it himself

RM:

         Casio. Set to "bossa nova".

AC:

         only 2 songs he knows: that one and valkyrie. aikman said it – game over. he's getting fired.

RM:

         First Macklemore wins the Grammy, now this.

AC:

         yeah dude: gooddell is tillman'ing the nfl audience.

RM:

         Full house jizz jokes: meh.

AC:

         only thing worse might be logging into fb and seeing Bruno Mars coming to Fresno.

RM:

         Literally falling asleep.

AC:

         I think the nfl would be safer if they banned helmets. just let everyone wear lucha libre masks.

RM:

         So if the whole defensive backfield is out, Manning can sit on Jesus' shoulders and win this thing. Let's go!

AC:

         my friend texted me: It's hard to identify the moment I stopped rooting for Denver and hoping for the worst blowout in SB history.  Bauer, but not until May- I'll take it.

(Seattle TD, 43-8)

RM:

         Also: these commercials are terrible.

AC:

         they are. Scarlett the Zionist appears!

RM:

         Haha! Pimpin herself for Zion. What is this ambiguous destruction porn? Oh, shoulda guessed: 24 is back. I'm losing track of all the signs of the apocalypse today. Prince on The New Girl is def one of them. She’s “jumping the shark.”

AC:

         24 is so gloriously terrible. it's like macguyver. the red scare. dick cheney. and baby Jesus with an erection. all got together.

RM:

         Nice elevator pitch.

AC:

         wtf happened to Carroll's face. got a cut on his left cheek. long elbow strike from roid rage cut.

RM:

         Haha! Eli's face!!!!

AC:

         that's just his east Rutherford face. makes that here all the time.

RM:

         Haha! We need thought bubbles on that pic. "This stadium is haunted by witches"

AC:

         it is haunted by the guy carrying the trophy. Aikman to Buck: what this means joe?! ill tell you. it means he's still a good qb and I still have my fucking rings.

RM:

         Look at him!

(Game Over.)

AC:

         8 points. 8 points. EIGHT!

RM:

         Was hoping they’d be shut out. Like your boy.

AC:

         I was hoping for Bane.

-rm & ac