conartrix

[conartrix]

Culminating Entry

The self is a delicate being. It is delicate in the sense that that it has multiple tiny intricacies easily influenced. The self can take a beating but it changes in the process. The self can be properly loved and cared for and it will adjust accordingly.

This is where relationships, friends, family, communities, love, gender, and sex comes in. Everything meets at the self.

Freud believes it’s about desires. Erikson believes it’s all about relationships. Cooley thinks it’s about what we we see and what we think of what we see.Maybe they’re all correct. The self can’;t simply stand on one foundation, it’s much more complicated than that.

[conartrix]

Blog 11: Binhi

The thought of Tondo, Manila always seems to fill people with either fear or pity. My immersion was at Tondo, specifically with the PAPEL Women Weavers of Tondo under the CCAP Fairtrade for Development. Personally, I felt pity and no ounce of fear.

I can't hold a conversation well and I am the worst at arts and crafts. It was on a Saturday morning right before the holy week break, and just the night or early morning or hours before said Saturday morning I was out partying with friends. I also had judo training at 2 pm and had to skip. This immersion was definitely not designed for me. Despite all, the immersion was successful. I would give up another Saturday if given the chance.

Weaving, cutting, and gluing is difficult when you’re not careful. Speaking straight Filipino when you grew up with a different language is difficult. It’s pretty easy for people to berate me and give me a hard time but nanay Eva and nanay Encarnacion didn’t mind. They may have hid tiny grins with each word I mispronounced or laughed out loud at my clumsiness but they always showed me the correct way. I have an attention or focus problem and only a few teachers have ever been patient with me. Of all places i found the patience and understanding I’ve always needed right in Tondo. So I don’t understand where all the fear and pity for the place comes from.

The people are different. They may seem straight and intimidating but everybody needs that if they want to work through things. They’re independent and hardworking. With them gender and age are big capitals. Certain jobs go specific genders and ages. Each factor is and indication of what you can do to help your family and yourself. Education is a big help to but not exactly seen as necessary for all. Some people can do it, and some people just don’t.One of the ladies who taught us how to weave didn’t even work there. Her mother who works there unfortunately had other things to attend to. She was just a substitute for her mother so they could claim a salary for that day. Beyond the first glance they are helpful, warm, and friendly. We took a walk around the area and everyone was greeting everyone. No one was a stranger. They walked so comfortably amongst one another.

I live in Katipunan and if you randomly greet someone “hi,” they might just slap you. There’s widespread mindset that goes “iba sila sa atin” or “ang tayo ay tayo ang sila ay sila.” People don’t really go out of their way to make someone else feel. They work hard to be separate from  everyone else. We’re independent in the sense that we don’t need anyone else and we don’t want anyone beside us either. We value education, social status, and social class because these are the things that can bring us to the top of the food chain we have constructed in our minds.

As we walked around, we passed a basketball court. It was apparently a barangay sports fest. There was cheers and jeers, women selling snacks to make money on the side, and men spouting their own analysis of the last play. It was just like any other basketball game in the Philippines. We’re not all that different. We all love basketball. The trick when bridging the gap between two habituses is focusing on what we have in common and not what separates us. At the core we all want the same things - peace, joy, success, love, etc. Basketball is just the icing on top.

[conartrix]

Blog 10: Sex and Gender

I get very confused about sex and gender. I didn't even know that I was pansexual until my friends pointed it out. "Anything with a pulse," they would joke. Kidding aside, I really was not well-versed with the topic. I know better now from school and the internet.

I was never exactly feminine. I was a big tomboy as a child, people assumed that I would be a lesbian when I grew up. Because of that I really didn't want to be gay, I wanted to prove them and their stereotyping wrong. You can imagine my disappointment the first time I liked a girl at high school. It wasn't like my playground crushes on other girls during elementary and nursery.II thought to myself that this isn't possible. How can I like those girls when I also felt things for boy at the playground and at the other school in Katipunan. I learned that I could like both and I felt a little better.

It still annoys me that people get surprised when I say I like a boy or I like a girl then they go "oh so you're a lesbian/you're straight now?" I also don't like that people have so much to say when I dress especially masculine or especially feminine. I know people like labels but I should be the one to do so with myself.

[conartrix]

Blog 9: Relationship with Peers

f you talk to my friends about me they'll tell you one thing - Trixie is not friendly. My parents and relatives would tell you the same thing. I know that friends and peers are important but I'm not easy to ti get along with. I don't really fit in and I can get really quiet. I also may have been traumatised by "cool kids" who are actually mean and unsupportive.

I find the unspoken hierarchy annoying. People I know have always said I'm not cool enough to be part of the cool kids but I'm also too cool to be part of the losers. That just made me feel worse.

Deep down we all know that it's just a man-made construct that we unknowingly perpetuate. Who said that I can't be a cool loser?

[conartrix]

Blog 8: Relationship with Parents

My parents are for the lack of a better word different. The first time I met my father (aside from when I was a baby) I was seven years old and back in the Philippines after seven years. Since My mother was with me through those seven years but she didn't exactly act like mother. She was like an older sister and my grandmother was our mother. That's why I don't exactly fully relate to the discussion. I see some of the aspects in my mother, some in my grandmother, and rarely in my dad. I just want to better than them.

[conartrix]

Blog 7: Sociological Perspective

Symbolic interactionism is very interesting to me. It looks at the small details of everyday life and what it means to each individual. These individuals give it a meaning based on themselves and their encounters. If you think about it some things really aren’t a big deal we just make it a big deal because of who we are.

Different things can have different meanings for different people. I think we tend to forget that. You can’t immediately judge someone through what or how they speak and act. People are different and we need to adjust once in awhile - see things differently. Who knows? Maybe we’l;l stop overthinking the little things.

[conartrix]

Blog 6: Psychosocial Perspective

The psychosocial perspective is all about you, the people around you, and how they affect you. It embodies the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" mindset. People may not be aware of it but it's there. Of course, it's not exactly completely their fault if a child turns out bad. Tasks and stages are still for the individual to conquer. However, how the individual is treated by others plays a big factor in who they become. I'm the second-born out of five children and I practically raised my younger siblings. I'd like to that I did a good job doing so but I remember that I'm not as patient, or understanding, or as encouraging as I could be. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to be more aware of the words I say and how I act towards other people. It may seem small to me but it could be something big for them.

[conartrix]

Blog 5: Psychodynamic Perspective

The psychodynamic perspective knocks on doors of the mind that are not easily opened nor reached. The unconscious, preconscious, and conscious can be seen as different levels of the same building. Everyone wants to get to the top. They want to be seen and heard but not everybody can and not everybody should. Id, ego, and superego are members of the council that gets to decide what happens next.

The lesson’s made me more aware of my thoughts and actions. While it is essentially true that one is never fully aware of their entire mind, I’ve been more reflective of the parts that I can see and reach for. I believe that understanding myself and my motivations is a step further towards a happy and healthy outlook in life. The mind produces various coping mechanisms but I want to understand what I’m coping with and why it’s such a big deal to me. I don’t want to feel like I’m a stranger to myself anymore. It’s much like this lesson - unsettling.

[conartrix]

Blog 4: Do Good Project

Our class's Do Good Project was called "Healthy Guard, Happy Guard." The objective was to give one of the many security guards in the Ateneo campus a food item or snack as a token of appreciation. This was my favourite project during the proposal and I was glad that the class had been won over as well. The guards at Ateneo have always been kind to even before I was a student at the university. My day always begin with a good morning from ate and kuya at the campus gate right across Regis. I always meet them with small smile or a shy good morning as well. On the day that I was assigned I was hit with a random wave or nervousness. I have always been shy and awkward around most people and I didn’t want to mess up in front of someone I barely knew. Then it hit me - these are people I see and encounter every day but I don’t even know. Something just felt wrong about that. Also, why was I feeling shy about doing a good deed? Who would judge me for trying to talk to a stranger? I then braved my way towards the guard stationed at Kostka building(with Miggy right beside me in case I back out and decide to make a run for it). I asked for striked up a conversation and found out his name was Kuya Vong and that he’s been around for five years. I offered him my ensaymada(the only thing I could afford on that day as my weekly allowance had not arrived yet.) He accepted it, we smiled at each other, and we each went on with our day. I’d like to think that we both had a good start to our day.

[conartrix]

Feeling Self x Pokemon x Inside Out

[conartrix]

Blog #2 feels feels feels

Growing up is difficult. Growing up with my family is something else. My grandmother would always say “kung magpapakalunod ka, sa dagat naman.” This meant that all these unnecessary feelings, emotions, passions, were that - unnecessary. Like drowning, it was a sign of weakness. But eventually, one can and will drown. You don’t remain strong forever. My family lives like it would be illogical and honestly extremely stupid to drown in a puddle, a swimming pool, a lake, or a river. These are small bodies of water that I should be able to conquer. In the same vein, everyday happenings are just that - small bodies of whatever that I should be able to get through with a straight face. Psychology graduates, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and anyone else with sensible and healthy view on feelings are probably cringing right now; perhaps the deceased ones are even rolling in their graves - but this is just how I grew up. This is how a lot of people grew up. As discussed in class, it is a common misconception that the acknowledgment of these feelings and emotions are a sign of weakness. They cloud judgement and affect productivity. In a world where time is money and you have more people to provide for than your hands can count one cannot afford to feel. In a world where fifteen minutes of crying or open forums could have been used for sleeping, eating, studying, or working I will always choose the latter group. However, some people in my life and who were in my life disagree. Some of these people have left for this very reason. I didn’t mourn them till I became fully aware of how unhealthy this mindset was. Not only did I push people away, but all this pent up anger and sadness and frustration and everything in between would come out in sudden tantrums, bouts of rage, and reckless decisions. I want to say that I have made a 180 degree change but that would be lying to myself and this blog. I have a long way to go and this class just reminded me of why it is so important to rid myself of these shackles. I’m feeling alright about this point onwards.

[conartrix]

For this activity I drew a two-storey house with a basement and rooftop located in a relatively spacious lot. Some people have commented that the lot may be too spacious even but we'll revisit that point later. Starting from the highest point the rooftop is also highest in my list of favourite spaces. Contrary to most, I love high places. The security guards in my condominium building have known me to climb fire exits or be the last one down from the rooftop. I have also spent time on top of the roof of one particular gasoline station along Katipunan Avenue. On many occasions I have cried and screamed in these areas. It's not always bad, in truth I have also sang and danced. When you're so high up nobody can see or judge you. It's like an alternate universe separate from the one we all inhabit. When you're so high up it's as if you're looking on from the outside and everything seems so small. All the things that keep you up and give you anxiety seem so easily beaten. Lastly when I’m that high up I’m reminded of my own mortality. The second floor has two other bedrooms aside from my own. I drew these rooms with my friends and siblings in mind. I don’t really trust or rely on anyone aside from my four siblings, it’s difficult trying to come up with a future without them or where they don’t visit all the time. The study room or reading nook on the second floor is another area that could be all mine. Alternately to being alone I also enjoy comfortable silence. I’ve always spent these moments reading or writing. The first floor has rooms and features that any other house would have. It’s there to keep things ordinary. The basement has two parts: a room just labeled ad basement and the gym. The gym is easier to explain, I love working out and physical activity in general. I grew up playing sports with my siblings always looking forward to PE class, and jumping from varsity team to varsity team. The basement room is just another place where I can be alone and real with myself. As much as I love my friends and siblings, some things are meant to remain with me. The outside of the house pretty much sums up the whole concept it effuses. The front yard is open, spacious - anyone could just walk in if they wanted to. However, there is a crowded forest or garden. Aside from the fact that I love plants and gardening, this area is another sign of privacy, security, and solitary.

[conartrix]

Switch it Up Challenge

What’s up peeps I’m in uni now this is no longer a ConArt blog we switchin to SocSci 11 now

[conartrix]

This was my first plate for this class and I called it “mangga ‘raw.” It was made from a mix of acrylic paint, poster paint, and watercolour because I had decided to finish at home before I realised that we were running low on supplies.

I think that we, as a country, are weirdly obsessed with mangoes. We have mango flavoured everything. We eat it with salt, bagoong, ice, we bake it, we freeze, we do just about everything and anything to it. We all have our methods and types but at the end of the day we’re enjoying the same mango. I don’t know if you can call that a “big idea” but that’s what was going through my mind before I started working on this. I was thinking about mangoes on that day.

I don’t really have much to say about how the work turned out, I’m just glad I got to paint my mango.

[conartrix]

Threeble in Paradise

Fernando Amorsolo is always brought up when discussing Filipino art because of the rural landscapes that he is known to paint. Leo Benesa claims that his works are the “most expressive of the ethos of the race and predominantly agricultural countryside.” I would say that I agree with this after taking the time to actually look at some examples of his paintings. There is great detail and thought put into the scenery that he paints, each object always seems to follow a theme, and the colours are not just of random. They are all set to depict a a set occurrence or setting. 

Aside from this, I believe that using English in Filipino literature does not and should not lessen its being Filipino. We Filipinos are known to be multilingual and to speak English especially in our daily lives. One may say that it has been ingrained in our culture. Aside from this, it  must be put into mind that yes language is a medium and that further spread our works we can create mediums open to all. 

[conartrix]

Two is Better than One

On September 28 our group of 39 students left our usual classroom and walked across the campus to the college building or what some students jokingly call the "Miriam College College." I did not expect much from a building years older than me. It was just another place that I went to countless of times for masses, talks, personal gym sessions, and sometimes even just to sneak in a quick bite from the cafeteria. To say that we were underwhelmed is an understatement. Our qualms, however began to disappear upon opening the door to the Museum of Women's Art. In contrast with the rest of the building the room gave off an immaculate and modern vibe. The room was well-lit and accompanied by the ceiling and walls that were painted plain white while the air conditioner was set at a low temperature. I am assuming that this was done in order to create an ambience of thoughts and relaxation while also further emphasising the works of art displayed. There were about 40 pieces in the room which ranged from paintings and sketches on the floors and walls, a photograph, some hanging art, and some sculptures in the floor as well. They were grouped according to art style however everything seemed mixed up to me because of the spacing between each work. Everything was in one room and it must have been difficult to create proper divide in such a small room. As a result I felt sort of suffocated from all the students and the difficult spacing and had to leave the room once in awhile. Despite this, I was able to observe and admire the works displayed and here are some that have stuck with me: 1. Phyllis Zaballero's Pas de Deux Green, a work of oil on canvas that may look like random colourful swirls until you realise that everything present is just another shade of green blended so well it looks like one; 2. Francesca Enriquez' Dalawang Upuan sa Dilaw na Likuran, it's literally a painting of two chairs with a yellow background, what draws me to this painting is how the different textures for each object creates dimensions, the strokes may some parts look like they are popping out and others seem like they are further away; 3. Julie Lluch's Hubad which is a sculpture of a kneeling and naked woman, the effort put into shaping each layer and detail baffles me; 4. Denise Welton's Natuyong Dahon ng Antaryum, they say a picture is worth a thousand words but I feel like this one gave me tens of thousands, it's funny how a photograph of a dried up leaf can really make you think, and lastly my favourite 5. Anabel Velasquez Alejandrino's Pagkatapos ng Lahat, I heard that a lot my classmates liked this one as well because a lot of us could relate. At first I was impressed by the details, there were three more paintings within the painting we were viewing, the objects in the scene were put in very specific positions and conditions, the colours really set the mood. The setting told a story even without characters in it. The feelings started to creep in; this scene was all too familiar, yes I do not draw or paint like portrayed in the painting but this is just how my workplace looks after writing: everything is a mess but I'm done. The work is finally perfect and I finally feel accomplished.

[conartrix]

One in a Million

My goal for this term is to get higher grades, and by high I mean in the line of 90 and high 80 kind of high. It's my final year of high school and I really want to end it the best way I can. It may sound annoyingly simple but to achieve this I have to listen in class, actually accomplish and pass my outputs on time, review the lesson, and maybe even do extra credit. This is something any student is supposed to do but I'm admittedly not one of the best at fulfilling this. I get bored of repetitive information and formulas and enjoy the distractions that are more colourful and bizarre. A lawyer-to-be like myself who is stuck in the STEM strand gets tired and frustrated of how things run in the science and maths department and I'm afraid that I might feel the same way about studying the arts. It's very difficult studying something I am not accustomed to. These doubts however have no basis and will continue to lack basis until I finally give philippine contemporary art class a chance. This class can help me better understand different perspectives and processes and I am ready to embrace what more there is to learn.