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constantlymusing · 14 hours ago

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AHASJAH STOP OMG??? ILYSM FOR THAT

it is SO WELL-DESERVED THOUGH. I WILL SCREAM. GODDAMNNNNNN.

The Youngest

---------------------------------- Everyone is hurting, and Xander holds them all together. But the youngest also needs holding. Relationships- The Hawthorne Brothers, Xanmax. Trigger Warnings- Em*ly, heavy angst. Highschool Alternate Universe -----------------------------------

Xander made his way up to the roof of the school.

If anyone asked why, Xander would simply reply he needed to greet the beautiful blue sky and kiss the fresh air, but really? It's because he knew.

He knew that Emily Laughlin had passed away two weeks ago, he knew that the girl was a disaster personified and he knew that she had scarred more people than she met.

But most of all, Xander knew that his brothers were hurting.

He saw it in the way Jamie and Gray hadn't talked to each other in ages, let alone anyone else. He saw it in the way Nash had to leave the house yet again. He saw it in the way his bestfriend cried on his shoulder every day.

And he took it all, silently. Smiling through every rant, every sharp retort and every jab of misplaced anger.

Xander took it all for them, because if not the youngest, then who?

"Hiya, Jamie!!"

Xander yelled in greeting, sitting down next to Jameson and throwing his feet over the edge of the roof just like Jameson had. It was risky, sure, but his brother was hurting.

Jameson didn't acknowledge his presence at all, but Xander was used to that greeting by now.

"I got you your favorite sandwich from the cafeteria and snatched a sprite too, everyone knows that's the best soda." Xander continued, rummaging through his lunch bag and taking out its contents.

Jameson finally let out an exasperated sigh, "Xander. I'm not hungry."

Xander took out Jameson's sandwich and soda and placed it on his lap in reply. This earned him a glare from his brother, thank god he was immune to it.

"God, what would you do without me, dearest brother??" Xander said dramatically, taking out his own sandwich and unwrapping it. He took a bite.

"You'd probably starve." He muffled out while chewing. Jameson rolled his eyes.

That was the most emotion Jamie had shown all week. Victory!! Xander thought to himself.

Despite his previous complaints, Jameson, too, ripped away the packaging of his sandwich and bit down.

"Oh! You'll never believe what Evan did today—"

And so they fell into their usual routine. Xander talked about the most pointless things and Jameson remained mostly silent excluding the occasional— "Shut up, Xander." or "Don't you have class now?"

Yet Xander continued yapping, remaining totally unphased.

He yapped and yapped and yapped.

Because if not the youngest, then who?

-----------------

Xander stood leaning against the doorframe of Nash's room as he watched his eldest brother pack.

"What's your favorite scone flavor?" Xander asked, breaking the long silence.

Nash kept packing his bag, not looking up as he answered, "I'm not sure I've got one, Xan."

Xander exaggerated a gasp, "You don't have one?? That is an offense!!"

Nash rolled his eyes but showed no other sign of slowing down. He was really leaving. Xander gulped.

"You obviously need more scone-tasting practice, dearest brother. But fear not, for you have me!!" Xander said, making scones appear in his hand out of thin air.

This finally got Nash to look up at him. He sighed and shook his head with a fond smile on his face as he walked over to take the scone from him.

"It's blueberry flavor, easily among the best." Xander said, nodding proudly at his own antics, watching Nash take a bite.

"It's good, lil' bro." Nash said as he turned back to his bag and threw in an extra cowboy hat for good measure.

He really, really was leaving and Xander couldn't stop him. Xander gulped again.

"Just good??"

Nash sighed in defeat, "Absolutely wonderful."

Xander grinned, "See, this is why you're my favorite brother."

And Xander observed how Nash seemed to pause for a moment at the mention of his brothers. Only for a moment, but Xander saw it.

Nash looked up from his bag and met Xander's gaze firmly, in that way that made it feel like Nash was looking into your very soul and could tell whatever the hell it was you were thinking.

It was usually intimidating and made one feel far too bare, yet for the first time, Xander found himself wanting Nash to know.

Please don't leave. Jamie needs you here. Gray needs you here. I need you here. Please stay.

They stared at each other in silence as an unspoken conversation passed between them.

"Xan." Nash said finally and Xander immediately understood.

He needs this. He needs to get away. He needs to breathe.

Xander took a deep breathe.

And I won't get in his way.

He didn't breath out.

"I've still got ten minutes." Nash said finally, zipping up his bag and sitting down on his bed, gazing at Xander expectantly.

Victory...? Xander thought.

He simply smiled and plopped himself down next to Nash, and he began to yap.

He yapped and yapped and yapped about the most stupid things he could think of all in an attempt to keep up the illusion of normalcy. But Xander was still holding his breath. He hadn't let go.

Because if not the youngest, then who?

-----------------

Xander slipped into the seat beside Grayson in the library.

It was quite late now, the rest of the school was getting ready for dispersal. But Grayson was a Hawthorne and time bent according to his will.

"Hiya, Gray!!"

Grayson simply glanced at him before redirecting his focus on the book, a warning telling him to leave. Xander, as always, ignored it completely.

"Have I ever told you you're my favorite brother?"

No response.

"Good. Because I like Nash better."

Grayson's lips twitched slightly before turning back to the usual poker face. It took everything in Xander not to fist bump the air.

Victory!!!

"Oh don't be like that, you're my second favorite." Xander leaned back in his chair, happy with the small victory, "Jamie comes in at third."

And Xander realized it was a mistake the moment the words left his mouth.

He watched as Grayson's body went stiff with tension, his hands balled up into fists and his eyes took on an angry glint.

Fuck. Too soon.

"I don't care which brother you do or don't like." Grayson said, his anger slipping into his tone. Xander gulped.

"Okay, okay. Chill Gray—"

"He is no brother of mine." Grayson finished.

Xander looked at him, unable to mask his own surprise. Because, what? Jameson was no brother of his?

Xander tried to calm his racing heart. Why was he nervous? This had nothing to do with him, this was between Gray and Jamie, and they would sort it out.

They had to.

Right?

"You need to relax, Gray. You're angry and you don't mean that—"

"I do." And as if that wasn't enough, Grayson met Xander's gaze with his own steely one and reitterated, "I do, Xan."

Xander took a deep, calming breathe. He can't panic now, not here, not in front of Grayson. Grayson needs him.

"Right. Anyways, you know how there's this new Chinese transfer student??"

And Xander kept talking.

He yapped and yapped and yapped as he pushed down his own anger, his own panic, his own fear.

Because if not the youngest, then who?

-----------------------

It was unlike Xander to find himself completely still.

Yet here he was, standing perfectly still while staring up at the sun kissed sky, tinged slightly yellow.

This part of the garden was not public to the rest of the students, because Xander had discovered it. If you climbed through the window of the library and slowly made your way down the tree, you'd find an abandoned piece of land.

Closed off from the other parts of the school, but vast on its own.

Xander sat down as he thought over what his brothers had said to him, how each of them had been so hurt.

I should be consoling them right now. Why am I sitting here?? They need me.

Xander's guilty conscience berated him.

Thats when he heard the rustling of leaves, followed by a loud yelp and then a "slam!!". Xander turned towards the noise and saw a girl sprawled out clumsily across the floor.

... why does she look familiar? Ineteresting.

Then the girl suddenly sprang into a sitting position and smiled, "Xander!! I found you!!"

Ah, Maxine Liu.

Xander didn't know the girl that well. They had been partnered together for a science project, though, and Xander quite liked her energetic-spontaneous-fiesty personality.

"Hello to you too, Ms. Maxine!!" Xander replied, subconsciously pushing all his prior feelings aside out of pure habit. "You were looking for me?"

Maxine rolled her eyes, "Yes, because in case you haven't noticed, our project is due within the week and we have yet to start." She met his eyes then, "And please call me Max."

Xander had... completely forgotten about the project, if he was being honest. Between Rebecca and his brothers...

Xander shot her an apologetic smile, "I might have forgotten about that."

Max strolled over to sit down next to him, taking out her bag and study materials, "And that's why boys are hopeless."

Xander raised a brow the way he had learned from Nash and Grayson, "That is incredibly sexist of you."

Max met his gaze, "You got a problem?"

Xander grinned, "No ma'am."

Max grinned too, "Good." Then she threw the science book on his lap, "Now! Time to get down to business."

And they dissolved into easy conversation.

It was honestly surprising how fast Xander found himself relaxing in the presence of Maxine Liu. He barely knew the charismatic girl, but talking to her didn't feel like talking to a stranger.

He didn't have to try, he said something and Max added to it and they just kept going.

"Alright, what the fax is wrong?" Max said suddenly, and only then did Xander realize he had went silent. He found himself smiling at the use of "fax" despite everything.

"Whatever do you mean??" Asked Xander, innocently.

"In the past two weeks I've known you, you have never failed to ask me at least one quirky, completely random question, which you haven't today and its simply unsettling." Max replied without missing a beat.

"So what's wrong?"

Xander blinked as everything came back to him in a rush.

Emily. Dead. Gray. Jamie. Nash. Rebecca. Alisa. Thea. Hurting. "Shut up, Xander". "He's no brother of mine". "I have to go, Xan."

If not the youngest, then who?

Xander felt his heart squeeze, and his lungs constrict. He couldn't breathe.

"Woah- Xander? You alright??" Maxine.

"I do, Xan". "Don't you have class now?". Please stay, Jamie needs you. Gray needs you. I need you. Don't leave.

"Xander! Hey," Hands on his shoulder, firm. "Try to breath, okay?"

Xander was showing weakness, he was being vulnerable. What right did he have to be hurting right now? It was his brothers who had lost someone. It was Rebecca who had lost someone. Not Xander.

Hawthornes never show weakness. Especially in front of others. Be unbreakable. Tobias Hawthorne's voice plagued Xander's mind and he felt the familiar shame rush in.

"Oi! Eyes on me Xander." Xander felt his jaw being cupped in a particularly strong grip, Max readjusted his head so that he was looking right into her eyes.

Firm. Strong.

"C'mon, breath with me Xan."

Xan. Xander felt some breath return to his lungs as he breathed in and out slowly, his vision returning to him. Max's hand remained on his face the entire time.

"Xan?" Max asked, hesitantly.

Xander steadied his breath as the world came into view again, soft brown eyes staring back at him.

"You are awfully close, Ms. Maxine?"

Max blinked before she let out an angry huff and moved away, " Holy ship. Not funny, rich boy, what was that?"

Xander had no idea, actually. But the symptoms all pointed to—

"A panic attack." Max answered herself.

Xander nodded, "But hey, that's one more impeccable experience to add to the list." Xander attempted to diffuse the tension.

He failed miserably, this was made evident by the glare Max sent his way.

"...sorry?" Xander asked, nervously.

Max huffed, "No, don't apologize. My faxing question caused it after all—"

"If you apologize to me, after you quite literally got me breathing again, I might have to shove a scone down your throat." Xander's expression changed into a contemplating one, "which is actually a really nice experience so maybe not a scone—"

Max huffed a small laugh, "Yeah yeah, okay, no apologies then?"

Xander grinned and nodded. A heavy silence followed.

"Um. You wanna talk about it?"

Xander paused for a second, staring at the grass before looking at her. Max clarified, "I mean— I've heard that the best way to handle something stressful is talking about it. And if it's stressing you out this much then you should..."

Max trailed off, staring at Xander. His eyes looked slightly hollow, as if he wasn't present in the moment. His expression was so grave, Max couldn't believe it was on Xander's face.

Happy, Sunshine, Care-free Xander.

Xander turned away again, sorting out his thoughts. He shouldn't be panicking at all, he had no reason to be.

Yet, something in Xander disagreed, something in him fought the sunshine part of him, the part that had always been all-encompassing. Something in him was dying to tell her everything.

Even though he didn't understand what exactly he wanted to say himself.

"Emily Laughlin." He stated simply. Max started in surprise but recovered quickly, nodding.

"She died recently, right? She was close to you, then?"

Xander scoffed a little because this only made him feel more petty. He hadn't even been close to Emily, what was he so sad about?

"No. She was close to my brothers though." Xander said, fisting at some grass, "And she was my bestfriend's sister."

"Oh. I'm so sorry, she must've been a really nice—"

"She was fucked up."

Xander looked at her and almost smiled, seeing the shocked expression on her face. Who calls a dead girl fucked up?

"She double-timed two of my brothers, and chose to die while dating both of them. So now they're both messed up and won't even talk to each other." Xander said.

An immature, stupid part of Xander whispered, they won't talk to me either.

Max didn't reply so Xander continued, "And now Rebecca is a broken mess because her mom was always shitty but now her sister is gone too, which only served to make Ms. Laughlin even worse."

Xander took a breath to cool down his anger. He was being very unlike himself.

He continued anyway, "Nash needed to leave too. For some reason, he can't breath properly at home. And I couldn't just stop him so he left and now I'm alone with Gray and Jamie, who refuse to talk to anybody at all and yell at anyone who approaches them. And all I can do for them is yap on and on because that's all I seem to be good for."

Xander hadn't meant to tell her that much, but now that he'd started, he couldn't seem to stop.

"And The Old Man seems to be upset with them taking so long to recover which isn't helping at all by the way, but he keeps telling them both to be more Hawthorne about it and I don't think we know what that means. Not really."

Xander took another steadying breath.

"The other day Gray said that Jamie isn't his brother anymore, and I shouldn't be worried about it really. I mean it has nothing to do with me right??" Xander let out a nervous laugh.

"But then I panicked when he said that anyway. Because Nash always promised that brothers were a forever concept and Jamie and Gray are practically the closest to one another. I mean they were, at least." Another nervous laugh.

"And I think that they might lose each other and break contact for good, which just feels wrong because- i mean- Its Gray and Jamie. The OG duo. But Gray was so serious about it and Jamie acts like Gray doesn't exist. Like what happened to bros before hoes?" He ignored the way his voice cracked at the end.

Xander ranted on and on, about how worried he truly was. About how everything seemed to be going to shit, despite him trying his hardest. And he swore he wouldn't cry because Hawthornes don't break.

But a sob escaped Xander without his consent.

Max's hands were around him within a second and Xander stopped trying to hold it all in. The barrier fell, and with the tide came the rush of feelings and thoughts and emotions.

"And none of this is about me, yet I'm the one crying like some damsel in distress." Xander said, "I'm so scared."

They let the silence settle between them for a while. Max moved her hand up and down Xander's back slowly. Patiently. Xander's sobs dissolved into hiccups and then into silence.

"Wow." Said Max, eventually.

A pause.

"Fax."

And Xander laughed. No, he guffawed. Because that was the perfect way to put it. So faxing faxed up.

"Gosh darn hail."

Xander laughed harder, pulling himself away from Max to try and calm down. Max was grinning at him.

"Xander. Hawthorne. Xan. Just-" Max looked at him, the worry in her eyes making Xander's giggling stop.

"You know your hurting is valid too right?"

And, no. That's not right. How is his hurting valid? Jamie and Gray and Nash and Rebecca were the ones that got shot, so why should Xander be the one crying?

No, he should be healing them.

Right?

Max read Xander like an open book, "Oh god, Xan, no. That's not— you're allowed to hurt Xan."

Xander gave her a small smile, "As much as I'd love to believe that, Ms. Maxine, we both know it isn't true."

Upon hearing this Max's eyes took on an angry glint.

Why is she mad?

"Xander. Your family is falling apart before your very eyes, you are doing everything in your power to hold them together despite only being fifteen years old and, to hail with it, you're hurting for your best friend too."

Xander's eyes widened slightly as Max scooted closer and took both of his hands in hers. She looked impossibly determined.

"You are allowed to cry. You should cry. That makes you a faxing human, you turd. You are entitled to it."

Xander blinked once. Twice. Oh.

"And if you won't get this through your thick skull, I'll punch it through." Max finished, pulling her hands away and flipping her hair. Period.

Xander ran through her words in his head, over and over again. Calculating and analyzing the way a Hawthorne was taught to, and he understood.

He was allowed to hurt, too.

Xander was allowed to worry about his brothers and bestfriend, he was allowed to try and take care of them, he was allowed to cry and hurt for them.

Because if not the youngest, then who?

THE END.

-----------------------------

BONUS:

Xander layed on his bed, waiting for sleep to come to him.

He usually was asleep the moment his head hit the pillow but today, his mind couldn't seem to rest. He kept catching himself thinking about his brothers, and his bestfriend, and his grandfather, and Max, and Max's hands and Max's—

Xander gasped loudly as he sat up.

No.

Did he... did he really...

Xander's eyes widened.

Did I forget to thank her??

------------------------------- Hehehehehe Xander is an oblivious cutie pie okay?? Anyways, I was trying to write Javery and Lyrason but it just wasn't working so I produced some hardcore Xander angst cuz there isn't enough of it and Xanman ofc <333 I am very proud of how I wrote the angst btw :p Tagssss: @lyrakanefanatic @inkstainsonmyfingertips @runnningoutofink @lyrakanefanaticwriting @a-wraith-891 @lunarlee101 @alwaysthefangirl @clarissaweasley-10 @angelnextdooor @constantlymusing @telugxrl13 @haniya1234 @diamondrattherevenge

#musi yaps

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constantlymusing · 14 hours ago

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OKAY WOW MY BAD FOR THINKING THIS WAS GONNA BE ALL HAPPY AND SWEET????

THISIS SUCH A CURVEBALL OF A FIC IM SCREAMING. I LOVE HOW IT ACKNOWLEDGES THE COMPLEXITIES OF DEATH HERE, "Xander looked at her and almost smiled, seeing the shocked expression on her face. Who calls a dead girl fucked up? " YES THANK YOU OH KY GOD, I'M TIRED OF DEAD CHARACTERS BEING MADE OUT TO BE SAINTS, THIS IS SO NICE, I LOVE THE BROTHERS AND I'M IN LOVE WITH MAXINE.

Because if not the youngest. THEN. WHO. ARGHHH!!! I am a SUCKER for repitition where the meaning changes. NOT immune to it. Wow.

Tushu teach me how to write NOW.