coping-beautifully-blog

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week 4: happy pants

some days just demand specific special outfits, today was oversized jeans with alternating pearls and rhinestones kinda day 😜

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week 3.5 (weekend) better

After last week I thank God for spring break coming to save my sanity and relieve my stress.

I am honestly shocked at how easily and how drastically everything got better.

I told someone (counciler) who didn’t make me feel like shit for self harm impulses who gave me a lesson in self care one of those things I would roll my eyes at until it became that it had been over a week since I worked out, taken a long hot shower or the time to detangle my curly hair, I had just been self force feeding most meal times a go-gurt or protein shake to stay on a schedule. Coolest part of the whole lecture was (because my 3 big problems were unmanaged stress, self harm/suicidal thoughts and having averaged less than 2 hours of sleep per night for 5 days in a row) he told me not to cancel my party with friends, but to skip class and sleep beforehand, because friends matter and help. which simultaneously shocked and made sense and pleased me🤗😊. …… my big immediate stressor was questioning will I graduate? as I have been having major problems with a professor’s take home exam format (failing the first 2 parts on which the current and future build) and my ADD and lack of time, knowing I needed to request some extension or accommodation from academic services and not knowing how to ask. but after talking to the guidance counselor got that meeting set up and the extension I needed from the professor. … My big looming stressor was needing a plan for the my life after graduation, and Then during/ after the meeting got an email saying i got the job I most wanted and that it would pay me more than expected and my grandparents want me to stay with them in their lake house was a huge relief. ….. Lastly the my party went amazing, i was hosting it out at my grandparents lake house about an hour from campus. There were miscommunication about carpooling making everyone else 2 hours late but that was okay too it gave me time to spend with my grandparents and to meditate down on the beach, (my mental happy place but exponentially better more powerful irl) providing perspective on how small and transient all my problems are and everything is going to be okay. Then friends arrive and there are drinks and games and movies and laughter and as the first day of break the luxury of time of having nothing to stress over for a few days Next morning few the more accustomed drinkers were hung over and my friends who rarely drink 1 who had had about 5-7 shots + a beer and the glasses of water I was refilling for them were kinda disappointed to not be hungover... at least at first... We had a fantastic breakfast of all the juices (apple, orange, cranberry) left from last night's mixers, pancakes, fruit, sausage, and bacon. and bacon of a quality and smell to solidify a mans desire to quit vegetarianism after a year and a month in, then after more games and another movie half the group heads home I treatet the other two to nachos and a trip to the pier where we played an amazing game of tag (see photos, I was gonna take a selfie saying "my happy place" or whatever and got the best candid photos series I have ever taken, a shush let's sneak attack and an I'm an airplane in the same photo 😁) and then to fully appreciate our lack of hangovers we were singing to the radio the whole road trip back, and then rejoining our friends and adding several more to see Get Out, which was much better than I expected. then ending the best day ever we had fro-yo of course.

[coping-beautifully-blog]

week 4 happy pants. some days just demand the right outfit, and today that was these oversized capris with alternating pearls and rhinestones.

[coping-beautifully-blog]

week 3.5 (weekend) better

After last week I thank God for spring break coming to save my sanity and relieve my stress.

I am honestly shocked at how easily and how drastically everything got better.

I told someone (counciler) who didn’t make me feel like shit for self harm impulses who gave me a lesson in self care one of those things I would roll my eyes at until it became that it had been over a week since I worked out, taken a long hot shower or the time to detangle my curly hair, I had just been self force feeding most meal times a go-gurt or protein shake to stay on a schedule. Coolest part of the whole lecture was (because my 3 big problems were unmanaged stress, self harm/suicidal thoughts and having averaged less than 2 hours of sleep per night for 5 days in a row) he told me not to cancel my party with friends, but to skip class and sleep beforehand, because friends matter and help. which simultaneously shocked and made sense and pleased me🤗😊. …… my big immediate stressor was questioning will I graduate? as I have been having major problems with a professor’s take home exam format (failing the first 2 parts on which the current and future build) and my ADD and lack of time, knowing I needed to request some extension or accommodation from academic services and not knowing how to ask. but after talking to the guidance counselor got that meeting set up and the extension I needed from the professor. … My big looming stressor was needing a plan for the my life after graduation, and Then during/ after the meeting got an email saying i got the job I most wanted and that it would pay me more than expected and my grandparents want me to stay with them in their lake house was a huge relief. ….. Lastly the my party went amazing, i was hosting it out at my grandparents lake house about an hour from campus. There were miscommunication about carpooling making everyone else 2 hours late but that was okay too it gave me time to spend with my grandparents and to meditate down on the beach, (my mental happy place but exponentially better more powerful irl) providing perspective on how small and transient all my problems are and everything is going to be okay. Then friends arrive and there are drinks and games and movies and laughter and as the first day of break the luxury of time of having nothing to stress over for a few days Next morning few the more accustomed drinkers were hung over and my friends who rarely drink 1 who had had about 5-7 shots + a beer and the glasses of water I was refilling for them were kinda disappointed to not be hungover... at least at first... We had a fantastic breakfast of all the juices (apple, orange, cranberry) left from last night's mixers, pancakes, fruit, sausage, and bacon. and bacon of a quality and smell to solidify a mans desire to quit vegetarianism after a year and a month in, then after more games and another movie half the group heads home I treatet the other two to nachos and a trip to the pier where we played an amazing game of tag (see photos, I was gonna take a selfie saying "my happy place" or whatever and got the best candid photos series I have ever taken, a shush let's sneak attack and an I'm an airplane in the same photo 😁) and then to fully appreciate our lack of hangovers we were singing to the radio the whole road trip back, and then rejoining our friends and adding several more to see Get Out, which was much better than I expected. then ending the best day ever we had fro-yo of course.

[coping-beautifully-blog]

week 3. surviving but not okay

fuck. it has been 6.5 fucking years since I gave up self harm, ignoring the small picking at scabs, scratching the skin itching, enjoying outcome of the occasional accident like shaving knicks or clumsy bruising occasional dark fantasy I have not wanted fingernails and razor blades and flames and sticks and stones and all their beautiful pain this bad in years like I am in the depth of the addiction again and pain is the only but very easily accessible cure. pain is not the cure but since I need it i need to see the pain outside my mind I will show you my pain my darkness my craving with my paint without damage. and then i will wash it away because I can’t show it off can’t use imagery or words to convey the invisible pain. I sent this image to the guidance counselor and am getting help. if you are near this place please do the same.

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week 2 [written from end of week 3] I made art, a beautiful black and white rose in a small/child’s hand with my new pencil set, but it needed red so ruined it with rose art water colors fixed with pencils and won at risking fixing it with crayola marker. Also made a bitmoji and felt far stronger, healthier, and sexier (now that I don't have a cold and can breathe) ;)

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week 1: but…but…I am, I was coping 😢 ….. ….. ….. ….. I am writing this (and let me immediately establish I hate writing with my ADD mind too many ideas needing filter and flow and that I can’t and know my flaw in on display) because I was told I am too stressed and while they were right my impulses went straight to how to deny it –> deny the truth because I disliked the truth. ….. ….. ….. ….. I am going to do better I will start by (like a 12 step program) 1 admitting I care too much about things that don’t matter and fight and sabatoge myself in little ways and don’t pursue happiness as much as I could. 2 I need God’s help. 3 I will with God’s assistance strive for and pursue being better. [to be continued] ….. ….. ….. ….. I am going to pursue my happiness in the little things like sunsets, puzzles, rubix cubes, games, crafts, and art. and i am going to force my healing through guidence counciling and blogging (writting though i struggle) admitting and asking for whatever I may need. ….. ….. ….. ….. This week I watched the movie big eyes and it was fantastic, and her art style encouraging my own lifelong bias towards a similar style, but I prefer uniqueness in the emotions of shapes the eyes often asymmetry not for lack of skill but because that’s often boring and inaccurate I allow many of my portraits slightly different tones of eyes telling more of the story within the same face. –This was originally her face from that confrontation her beautiful strong cheeks just like her concern but as I drew, I began to notice how it grew more and more to display my own, from the inability to look straight on to the lips that were not hers but clearly my own, and the big emotional eyes that were both simultaneously hers and my own.