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your disability has not ruined you. you are not ruined.
regardless if it's acquired or genetic.
regardless of how affected you are, even severely.
regardless of what people say about it.
you are not ruined.
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no matter how big they are, no matter how dramatic they are, your emotions matter.
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Denial, dissociation, and barriers between the functioning alters and the trauma-holding alters...
I'm noticing that a part of slowly getting better and moving away from crisis, at least for us, is denial that something's still (or was) actually wrong. And not even on a conscious, intentional level.
I dissociate heavily and freeze up when I try to look into non-crisis level treatment for our DID and CPTSD, and the only thought that I can muster in my head is, "We don't have trauma. I don't need this." I can only think anything else when I move away from the subject of treatment and memory integration, and it always leaves me frustrated.
I go in and out of moments where I'm suddenly back in crisis, and then I'm seemingly perfectly fine: functional, content, and happy with my life. We have alters whose job it is to hold that crisis state, to hold all the trauma, and everyone else's job is to forget and move on. To continue functioning.
To quote Janina Fisher (author of Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, linked in the DID/OSDD Community):
...The theory [of structural dissociation] describes (Van der Hart, Nijenhuis & Steele, 2006) how the brain's innate physical structure and two separate, specialized hemispheres facilitate left brain-right brain disconnection under conditions of threat. Capitalizing on the tendency of the left brain to remain positive, task-oriented, and logical under stress, these writers hypothesized that the disconnected left brain side of the personality stays focused on the tasks of daily living, while the other hemisphere fosters an implicit right brain self that remains in survival mode, braced for danger, ready to run, frozen in fear, praying for rescue, or too ashamed to do anything but submit...
This illustrates what I've been observing for the past three-or-so months perfectly. I've just barely come out of crisis treatment, and suddenly I can't approach the topic of healing at all, because it feels like anything negative or "bad" isn't "me" and isn't real, and therefore isn't my problem. Meanwhile, when we switch out with the trauma-holding alters, it feels as though anything positive or "good" isn't "me" and isn't real, and yet again, why approach treatment if the good still isn't mine and therefore unreachable?
From day to day and sometimes hour to hour, I find us switching and flipping between reverting to a highly traumatized, emotional, and upset state to a very healed, logical, and content state. All depending on our triggers throughout the day, who we're around, and who's fronting or lurking at the time.
And at the same time, it feels impossible to touch, as no matter which side of the mental health coin is fronting, we can't find a way to approach the idea of memory integration and healing. We're in denial, both in terms of conscious thought and in terms of being too dissociated from reality to acknowledge the information and resources at hand.
#did osdd#osddid#dissociative system#dissociative identity disorder#mental health#endo safe#plurality
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ok note to self i gotta leave the house regularly so that i dont feel like im slowly transforming into an evil fucking shadow clone of myself
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If you're in LGBT friendly spaces and someone introduces themselves and cautiously says they're fine with any pronouns, it is your duty to notice which pronouns the people around you tend to default to for them and ensure that you refer to them with any and every pronoun under the sun except for that one. You must.
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plurality on tv : ahhg..watch out my...EVIL ALTER!!!! HE'S COMING OUT!!!! HES GOING TO JEFF THE KILL YOU!!!!!!
plurality in real life:
friend: is something wrong
me: (staring off) Somebody is mad.because i want the pink donut
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language camp <3
will be gone for a month. I will return tho dw
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people seemingly make out dissociative amnesia out to be like what you'd experience passing out and staying asleep for 9 solid hours but in my experience it's far more like one of those nights where you're really struggling to sleep.
you wake up a few times halfway through the night you wander off to the bathroom before making it back and quickly falling back asleep. you hear some words and you think they're your partner but you might be imagining it. there's a loud banging noise but god knows where it's coming from. someone asks you about classes tomorrow but you don't remember if they really did or if you just imagined it. you go to the bathroom again only to realize once you're there that you never got up out of bed.
you wake up a few hours later and get on with your day. well aware of the time that passed but you're really not sure which bits were dreams or not, and if you don't think about it actively it'll probably fade from your memory before you realize. doesn't mean you don't remember some things or didn't notice the time pass, it's just really really messy
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"It's not that big of a red flag, really. It's a half red flag. Like Poland. 🇵🇱"
«✦⅋✧»
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Plural shiny buttons!
F2U with credit! These were really fun, feel free to ask for more!
(fictive one was a request by @wonderhorrors)
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relapse is not a moral failure. substance use and addiction are not a moral failure. mental illness is not a moral failure. disability is not a moral failure. you have a health condition. you are struggling. recovery is not mean to be perfect, and if you're not in recovery, surviving is good too. i'm glad you're here, and i hope life treats you better soon. please know this is not your fault. you do not need to feel guilty over your own health.
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𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞
Fishies to make it all hurt less
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a reminder to my fellow disabled people it isn't wrong or make you less of a player for using accessibility options.
a reminder that playing on a low difficulty only or (like with games with minecraft) no difficulty
a reminder that using unlimited health options like in cult of the lamb is not bad or wrong and you are no less of a player for using it
turning brightness high on horror games like tattletale whether its because you are visually impaired or because you cannot handle the fear a low-light scene can cause.
disabled people are not any less a gamer for needing accessibility options. we are not any less a gamer for playing the game on easy. we are not any less a gamer because we are disabled and might not be able to get all the achievements or trophies or whatever a game has available.
we deserve to be able to enjoy the games we want to play
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More plurality stuff. Here's some plural pride flags with the ampersand symbol over them (dark and light versions)
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Decided to make some plural rings web accessories. F2U and I will probably be making more of different varieties.
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