cringefailconjurer

[cringefailconjurer]

broooo did you seriously disturb my eternal rest & bring me back to this mortal coil just because my ancient enemy the eternal night has returned? after i sealed it away and everything? which one of you tampered with my binding runes 🙄

[cringefailconjurer]

my evil chalice came in but its so fucking small. goddamnit. they're going to make fun of me at the wizards circle tonight

[cringefailconjurer]

Dear necromancers, why would you bother summoning human corpses when dinosaurs are an option

[cringefailconjurer]

mage regression

[cringefailconjurer]

[cringefailconjurer]

fuuuuuuuck all my minions are temporarily summoned from the deepest reaches of The Accursed Flesh Dimension, i’ll have to summon them all back one by one 😩

[cringefailconjurer]

i just don't understand why the wizard council has any say with what you do in your tower with your homunculus

[cringefailconjurer]

No, dude, I'm warning you, don't insult a wizard, no matter how stupid you think their title or specialty is.

I once knew a guy named Paul, we'd adventured together once or twice, and one time we met this guy - Piss Wizard Carloso, they called him - and Paul, he thought that was funny. Simply hilarious. "Is that your magic or your kink?" Paul taunted, "The fuck kind of magic does a "Piss Wizard" do? Am I supposed to be scared?"

So Carloso cast Infinite Piss on him. And Paul just started pissing, everywhere. He couldn't stop, couldn't even control it. But it wasn't a normal piss, it was exactly as the wizard described. It wouldn't end. He was pissing for half an hour straight.

I watched his body shrivel up like a raisin as all the liquid left him in a never-ending stream. Our healer was useless, whole party was screaming. We knew he was dying, we could see him basically get mummified in real time. He didn't even have enough bodily fluid left to cry.

We couldn't find a curse breaker in time. So yeah. I get it. Guy calls himself "The Plush Rump Wizard", and you want to laugh. You think, surely this guy can't be serious? But I assure you, he is. That's a wizard's whole shtick. They mock you, they mock God, they mock the very notion of there being a line between serious and parody.

Don't insult a wizard.

[cringefailconjurer]

the nefarious goon wizard

[cringefailconjurer]

a magical sword can only be pulled from its anvil by a maiden of purest heart. a young knight visits the anvil daily to make the attempt, crushed each time he cannot do the deed, yearning for a sign from the universe that he *is* in truth what he yearns to be. for the world to plop the gift of identity into outstretched arms. but of course, it never does. until one day, he has a chance encounter with a nymph of the lake who was once an ordinary squire, and he learns from her that maidenhood will not be given to him, that he must be brave and choose it for himself. and so the knight changes her name and reintroduces herself to the world and employs the greatest miracles of modern science to become the maiden she had always dreamed of being, and this time, when she revists the sword, she only can't pull it because she's kind of an asshole.

[cringefailconjurer]

Verily, man, this wizard peace is splendid. I just saw a guy clap his hands together and say "spirits o' field and vineyard" or something along those lines, and every one around him was showered in fresh-baked pastries and loaves, had their cups fill with aged wine, and then were soothed by a warm summer breeze. The minstrels didn't even sing his praises, that's what a joyous time this is. And here I've just been casting calming dew and level 2 aura of cheer. I think I just heard "power word: dessert" two groups over. I gotta get over there.

[cringefailconjurer]

@cringefailwarlock is dead, long live @cringefailconjurer

[cringefailconjurer]

Less magic schools. More magic universities. Unlearn the simplified models of your secondary education. Discover how to reference scrolls written by a wizard possessed by a different wizard. Identify bias in the voices that whisper from beyond the veil. Have your institution be accused of promoting a Merlinist agenda. Become addicted to energy potions.

[cringefailconjurer]

get out of the summoning circle you stupid little fruit

[cringefailconjurer]

well if you're pawing off and i'm pawing off then who's flying the dragon

[cringefailconjurer]

WIZARD WRAPPED

You casted 1,039,627 spells this year

You pondered your orb for 985 hours

You targeted 109 spells at someone other than yourself - that’s in the top 6% of wizards!

You gained 5 familiars

Your favorite focus for spellcasting this year was a staff

Your cup size is H

Your most cast spell was Spontaneous Snack Generation and you used it 576 times this year.

Your most summoned object was Ketamine Ape at 69 summons

You trapped someone within an amulet for 10,000 years

You were unwittingly haunted by the evil skull twice

[cringefailconjurer]

wizard hat that is also a lava lamp