crumpledpaperrings

[crumpledpaperrings]

Should I kill myself or have a cup of coffee...

☕

[crumpledpaperrings]

"If only I had done this. But now I find that SOME REGRETS ARE TOO DEEP FOR WORDS. Language is insufficient." -The Silent Companions, Laura Purcell

[crumpledpaperrings]

my dearest mathilda,

you’ve been in a one hell of a roller coaster ride. it all went in a rush. trying to keep silent the screeches, as though to avoid fuss. fast, breathtaking. nauseous, yet it was the kind of rush you want. going through circles, useless conversations repeating every now and then. tears flowing, thinking it was because of the overflowing happiness of being with him. you were too unaware that it has always been because it was killing you. you thought you’d be safe with all those safety belts, safe of harm for he assured you with words. ah! just words. you were too in love with words that you were unable to discern lies form truths. you thought those loops are the only thing that could turn your life around. but, he happened. and he was enough to turn everything upside down. his lopsided smile, you must have known that it would get you crashing down.

you ended up with bruises, scars, bones and heart broken. now you get traumas, not wanting to go to amusement parks, letting yourself missed out in life, in everything that could’ve given you happiness. darling, hold my hand. i’ll take you to a merry-go-round. it would be enough to spin your life around. my love, i wouldn’t promise ‘cause i know we’ll be going through ups and downs too. but, love, the only thing i’m sure of is that i’d hold your hand all the while.

a roller coaster of emotions

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

︎ the moment you told me that my visage was fit for a princess, i objected. you stood firm to it as you stood across the room. i am telling you, i am not to become a princess and i had collected all the reasons to prove my claim.

if i have been jasmine, i would never stray along the sidewalks and will remain vigilant of the fact that pickpockets are roaming around the city who are not only able to steal my belongings but also my heart. rather, i will stay in the shed of my home and let no one enter my haven.

if i have been cinderella, i wouldn’t mask myself with fine clothing just to fit in your world. i wouldn’t dare go to shindigs just to dance with the man of my dreams. i would rather stray in the shadows where i know i truly belong—not in the warmth of your embrace.

if i were aurora or snow white, i wouldn’t wait for one to awaken me from my deep slumber for i prefer to live in dreamland where i could be whomever i want, where i could be my own heroine.

belle and tiana might be the ones closest to my persona, not looking into one’s beatific appearance, but to one’s character. yet, unlike them, i wouldn’t let myself fall for their sweet demeanor ‘cause i know that this world is filled with fake bitches lurking around the corner, concealing their rotten character in a saint-like manner.

and i tell you once more, i ain’t no princess nor was i fit to be one, for i am queen. i am my own heroine and villainess and i need no prince to rebuild my empire.

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

maestro,

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎are you happy now? you have successfully made me your apprentice. i have grown loyal to you, i became you, a new body but of the same mold. i even took the same flowery path you had led me to. ecstatic, i danced along with the dandelions, roses, and lilacs alike. tonta! that was what i have been. wasn’t it stupid for anyone to stray—dance, even, with thorns? vines held me still and up to this point, i am awestruck and wondering how you managed to escape.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎you held my strings. how am i supposed to decide on my own? isn’t it a tragedy for a prisoner to be cuffed when cages have been tossed over and over? you held the key to my cages so why are you begging me to rise as if i was born a phoenix? por favor, let me not be a product of your hypocrisy.

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎you made me believe that i have successfully become the woman you had wanted yourself to become.

“you, my child, are wise and tough.”

“your beauty and grace doesn’t deserve any less than a fine-looking lover.”

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎but mother, i am no athena. i wasn’t born armored both with wisdom and swords. i might be a tiny bit wiser now, but believe me when i say i have been a fool too. i have made mistakes without you noticing for your eyes are fixated somewhere else. your absence have made me believe that every single person i am meant to love will leave. moreover, i am not aphrodite. i do not held that captivating beauty. i am by far too ashamed of my own skin to rise from the seas with nothing but nakedness.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎I have always been eve. i would gladly grab a bite of the pomegranate that is love even it tasted poison—even it would kill me over and over again. i would take all the blame and hid my face that is red of shame. and just like eve, i would leave your so-called paradise in search of my own meaning.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎you put me up on the pedestal, making me feel my head over the clouds. now, my fall felt like i have been pushed from the peak of mt. olympus down to the core of the earth. you held me too high, now i'm six feet underground.

ㅤ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

[ame]ㅤ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

[crumpledpaperrings]

which is even sadder. is it crying a river of tears until your eyes swell, until you couldn’t find your voice from all the wailing until your breathing hitched and your heart start threatening you to stop pumping? or is it when you have no more tears to cry? is it when everything aches, that it cuts within your soul, or is it when you couldn’t feel anything at all? I think being numb is a lot worse than any other emotion you could ever have. I think numbness is the same thing as being dead, only that you aren’t. you just aren’t alive enough.

[crumpledpaperrings]

i was never the sweet, clingy lover. i never spoke about how much i feel for someone. i better be silent than to express too much and reveal everything my heart feels. i never was the kind of person who believes in love at first sight, not even in a love that’ll last a lifetime. i never had faith. but you changed me. you changed every single belief i once had. you had given me hope. i never thought it would be you.

i trust no man and never brought a lover at home. they used to offer me to be sent home, but i’d usually stop at a coffee shop nearby and bid my goodbye. but you have already entered my sanctuary, not even a single doubt i had felt. you’ve seen every single room of my personality. you saw my true colors. the vibrant and golden. the dark and shady. you’ve seen me at my best. you even stayed at my worst.

i never would want to look at somebody’s eyes. I feel too embarrassed and uneasy every time i do. but with you, i could look at them until you’d finally turn your gaze away from me. i would love to see those hazel brown eyes each morning i wake up. you see, i’d love to build a home with you in it. you have changed me, and i’d better be this way than to be anywhere without you.

you changed me, for i have never loved a woman before you

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

Your body deserves love when:

You are healthy and active.

You are sick and recovering.

You are feeling emotional and lost.

You feel like you are failing at getting better.

You are relapsing.

You are falling back into bad habits.

Your body is loveable and worthy in every state, my love.

[crumpledpaperrings]

︎

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎someone in full armor wanted to caress a soul. clashing of steels 'till the bones crush. she wore a fool-proof vest, yet the sun rays seeps through. a little warmth and the soul inside an armor felt burned.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎one after the other, remove the weights on her shoulders. plant kisses on her bruises 'til each part of her looks like a garden showered with love. gently pull out each splinter, each bullet that cuts deep through her heart, and she would stir from her slumber. dress her in fine silk, the seams draping on her knees. her scars would itch, and the past would haunt her like a nightmare she wouln't want to remember.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎child, put down your sword. the war has finally ended.

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎you remind me of green, of the fields i used to run along in when i was younger, freeing but homey. you remind me of green, of the forest, so enticing makes me believe fairies exist. you remind me of green, of emeralds and gems, precious and truly rare to find. you remind me of green, of the caterpillars i once thought were maggots that have now grown to be butterflies, fluttering whenever i hear your name. you remind me of green. of the garden my mom adores, continuously growing, continuously blooming.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎forgive me each time i'd retract when people would say that green is of jealousy, of envy, of greed, and of everything negative. because, for me, green resembles you, along with every color in the rainbow. fire, i love you in every shade of every color. i love you in every shape, in whatever form you please.

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

“𝑊𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐼 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑎𝑑𝑚𝑖𝑡 𝐼 𝑑𝑜 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤 ℎ𝑜𝑤 𝑡𝑜 𝑝𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑡

𝐵𝑢𝑡 𝑖𝑓 𝐼 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑡𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝑎 𝑝𝑎𝑙𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑚𝑦 𝑐𝑜𝑙𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑏𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢.” -Courtney Peppernell, Pillow Thoughts

All my life, I thought life is just a room of monotonous grayscale covered in this pretentious gum-pink fantasies we choose to relive. But then you bumped into me and everything was changed. Like thousands of colours splattering all over my once-mundane world. For a while I stood there frozen, unknowing what to make with all the overwhelming colours that are all new to me. Suddenly, the skies weren’t dark anymore. It left no traces of the dark clouds that brought forth flashes of lightning and earth-shattering thunders. It now mirrored the seas—its blues stretching toward oblivion, as if all the blacks and grays are thrown out of my world.

The trees, the grass…they exude vibrant greens. Everything feels lively like a heart revived back to life. Like a renewed spirit after an awakening. You are the awakening I was waiting for. It was as if my life was nothing but a nightmare and now I was brought to life, to reality. You pointed out the colours whose names I do not know of—the lavenders, turquoises, fuchsias. If someone were to ask me the very definition of ‘colour’ I’d gather them all and fuse them into one canvass, revealing a picture of thousand collages of you.

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

i have always been enthralled by words. i always find myself rummaging through the dictionary in the public libraries around town, in search of beautiful rare words. i kept looking for them, writing them down in that pale blue notebook i carry around the hallways. people would always look at me suspiciously, silently judging me for this absurdity.

“how could these words benefit her? she could be using her time and resources for other stuff, why is she so beguiled with words only a few understand?

i, myself, do not understand where this burning desire of knowing these words is coming from. but i scanned through each book and will always be mesmerized by these words even those with saudade meanings, and those whose etymology can be traced back to the unforgotten languages.

mon trésor, i have been scribbling nonsense, they say. but, mon amour, i would confess how entranced i am with your ethereal beauty with every possible language my lips could utter. i will be your wordsmith, i will be your very own poetess or prosateur. i would seek every exquisite word and present it to you, hoping you’d see the spark of light in my eyes. my love, they shined in awe of your beauty. i am a lover of language and i want you to teach me the language i am most intrigued with—love.

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

Jump Then Fall

20th February, 2021

Will you jump into this cliff of uncertainty where you could hit rock bottom?

Will you be brave enough to dive in this vast sea, in this ocean that could either drown you in confusion or with the love that you’ve wished for? Will you be able to swim through the tide and fight the hideous monster that will soon arise?

Will you not be lost in the wilderness of my personality and make it your home?

You said you loved me, didn’t you? That you’d climb mountains for me. Is this factual, or is it just another pledge that will push us off the edge?

If you love me, then will you stay despite the storm within me? If the answer is uncertain, then let go of those feelings that you have. Because, love, if I ask you if you’d jump with me, it’s like I'm asking you to love me eternally and unconditionally.

Now tell me, are you stupid enough to jump with me?

[ame]

[crumpledpaperrings]

26th of august, 2023

once there was someone who told me to never fall in love with broken people. their fake smiles are stop signs discouraging you to not go any further. the broken fragments of their hearts would make you bleed. the traumas they got from their brokenness—it will haunt you. it will make you want to fix them. it will make you want to fill their empty glasses, without you realizing you were emptying yours.

all these were carved in my mind. i dare not to get any closer to them, keeping distance for i know roses got thorns with them. i never touched something too fragile, with cracks visible on its edges, afraid to break it even more. but as soon as my gaze landed upon your beatific visage, all those thoughts vanished into thin air. as soon as i felt my heart skipped a beat, there is no other voice i hear but the voice of cupid chanting your name. as soon as soon as you came into my life, i cared less where this road will lead me. i was blinded by rainbows and butterflies, oblivious of the storm there is yet to come. i was enthralled by the melody my heart sings, in awe of your presence.

i was so naïve, giving my all and expecting nothing, embracing a beauteous rose despite knowing the fact that their thorns could make me bleed. sailing in a vast sea during a raging storm. going to a war head-on without any armor on. how is it called falling in love when you’re feeling too high? how could something feel so torturous yet addicting at the same time? life is full of paradoxes, but do you know what is life’s greatest paradox? love. the moment they asked me what weapon i'd use to kill or be killed, i didn't choose from guns, and swords. i chose you instead. for i am willing to kill and die for you, my beloved.

[ame]