cry-like-a-cloud

[cry-like-a-cloud]

worst part of getting kinda groped today (random guy touched my hips and waist for a few seconds before my companion turned a corner and I followed) was not the fucking disgust and skin crawling but the realisation that I had basically no reaction? Its was all dulled, like ‘oh,. yeah I’m kinda angry’ but I did nothing? Why am I so used to being touched (non-sexual) without being asked for any type of consent? Don’t answer that I know why and two people to blame. They’re called my mother and father. Fuck me. Sleeping on the floor to avoid sharing a bed rn. Will invite questions when they wake up tomorrow. Will deal with that tomorrow.

[cry-like-a-cloud]

you yell at me i yell back.

you want me to stop mentioning your growing need for hearing aids? stfu about visible accommodations including but not limited to insulin pumps (no, they are not be ‘embarrased’ and if they are, that’s society’s problem, they shouldn’t have to be, and it’s not a ‘selling point’ of a new pump), crutches (tf is wrong with using help when you need it?) and noise cancelling headphones (not antisocial, we’re just trying not to cry from overstimulation. would you rather i struggled?)

you want me to communicate with you? listen to me. when i say a conversation is ‘this happened, no longer does, it left marks, I’m telling you to avoid an uncomfortable conversation later’ you do not force that conversation on me. if i needed you to say i was loved and tell me ‘you know hurting yourself is bad, right?’ I have had months to seek your help and i did not, and i chose not to.

you want me to believe you really do love me, myself, and not just an idea of a daughter? i have boundaries that were not specified in your ‘idea daughter’s’ life. i have been setting those boundaries for as long as you have been fucking trampling them.

you want me to keep communication with you when i move the fuck on with my life? make communicating with you something i actually want in my life

[cry-like-a-cloud]

dear father,

you have legs. when making and tea that is primarily for yourself and are making it for others because they are in the room and you probably shouldn't ignore your wife + daughter when they so often make it for you, you can afford to warm the teapot and cups yourself instead of critiquing me for it, you can afford walk across the kitchen to get milk out of the fridge instead of asking the nearest woman to. you can afford to get the dog's food yourself instead or requesting the nearest woman to. none of those were my jobs. i was doing something else at the time. i decided you could do it yourself because i wasn't going to just drop everything because you couldnt be bothered, so you ask my mother. please stop this behaviour, the fact that you will many times say you support equality (including for women) yet still uphold this even unconsciously and complaining about 'modern sensibilities' for something you yourself did decades ago, is appalling. needing research to tell you why diagnoses rates are increasing is also somewhat appalling and i hope you only brought that up to say 'at least we cant have eugenicists/antivaxxers arguing x now' but the fact i'm not confident that was why and you didn't just genuinely think that was new information shines more of a light on you than i could ever hope to in words. i don't think your intentionally or maliciouly sexist or ableist, but you unfortunately can act it. this is not a problem with me being sensitive. this is a problem with you.

[cry-like-a-cloud]

the struggle to communicate and urge to say ‘maybe I’m just a toxic bitch’ so no one wants to talk to me vs the yearn to communicate and apologise properly bc friends

[cry-like-a-cloud]

one of my parents has truly no??? idea??? what is going on with me anymore lol

just explained that i cried in the bathroom midway through dinner because overstimulated autistic mess over here and he was like what? why? what do you mean? like sir this happens on the daily? every time i ‘use the bathroom’ during a meal it’s to get a break from the environment and yes sometimes cry a bit you’re telling me you never noticed how i am struggling i sit next to you? this happens at every meal time when theres me + two parents, me + a parent + a sibling or me +both parents + sibling

like do we live in the same house? what is this blindness man…

[cry-like-a-cloud]

this world is nowhere near comfortable to me

I lay in bed for like two and a half hours hating myself bc I couldn’t make myself move (the response to this was ‘here’s some things you can do then’)

I went to the hairdressers and then shut down as soon as I got out because it was loud and I didn’t remember specific dates and times and I cried

I keep having to explain my normal to people who ‘support me’ and have said to my face they will never understand so it’s no use in me trying

I have a small group of friends who understand, and a larger group of friends who know

I love tree climbing but now it’s become one of my few escapes and it doesn’t feel happy anymore. It just feels not shit. And this has been happening with all of my hobbies. do I enjoy anything? do I get to anymore? I don’t even think I’m feeling anymore. Things just happen and it feels like they happen to someone else, whoever’s body I am in

[cry-like-a-cloud]

i don’t think i want my parents to love me anymore. it always comes with demands, with ties, with ‘we wanted you to…’ and ‘we’re trying to…’ and ‘would that have hurt?’ and ‘don’t you feel better’ and ‘you could’ve at least’ and at times it’s relatively mundane things like ‘you haven’t thanked me for anything today’ which yes my fault, i also spent half the day about to cry and about a quarter of the day actually in tears and another quarter disassociating to youtube. at times where i am trying just to make it through the day gratitude is not on my mind. yes i am being all ‘ughh that was such an effort’ and shit because it was an effort and i did struggle and you congratulating me on that felt sour. now i know and have basically been told to keep masking. to act happy. to act like the sort of daughter you love. i am sorry that i am complaining so much, i am sorry that i didn’t read your mind to come chat before I went to bed i am sorry for trying to keep going without burning out. act happy, be grateful, be palatable, be polite, be kind, be a perfect struggle so you don’t ’push us away’ but at the same time ‘keep channels of communication open’ and ‘i don’t want you to be afraid to come to me or [other parent] when you’re having a bad day’

‘we are trying to help you’ and you've both given up on trying to even understand.

[cry-like-a-cloud]

‘i have bad days too' not my fault you are an adult i am not i have been struggling all day as you know and now i get struggle more because now i'm scared

'we still friends?' you still making me feel like shit? we're supposed to be family you still making me feel shit just bc you're having a bad day? you still offering me physical items (sweets etc) instead of recognising what you did wrong and giving an actual apology thats not just 'i'm sorry' and then ignoring it?

i'm such a low maintenance child/neg i want to be able to say this shit out loud.

[cry-like-a-cloud]

i said we were both in the wrong. i detailed where i was wrong. i apologised. but because of an (admittedly hurtful) accident that as previously mentioned i’ve apologised for, fixed, and explained, i’m the villain. i don’t get an apology now? because of your insecurity? to quote you ‘i can’t fix your feelings’ if you had done it you’d be reminding me of all the things i should be apologising for but i just don’t fucking get that?