crying-diet-coke

[crying-diet-coke]

i wonder if i ever cross your mind

and it hurts to think

because i know probably not

but when i see your friends

or see your story pop up

i think of you

but not the real you

the you i made up

in my mind

that painted you

as the knight in shining armor

not the nonchalant

reminiscing over another girl

loser you really are

[crying-diet-coke]

why does every late night

or is it early morning

feel like a relapse

i stay up too late

and all of a sudden youre with me

not really of course

in sure your thoughts

havent been with me in a long while

but if for a fleeting moment you remember

i hope you regret

what you did to me

and feel remorse

dont pity me my dear

that would only make it worse

but instead

let my memory haunt you

haunt your dreams

your thoughts

of the girl i was

and of what we couldve been.

[crying-diet-coke]

am i wrong

for missing you?

i spend most nights

held in the arms of another

yet i can never fully forget

you.

what is this feeling.

i feel torn

disgusted.

you were all that occupied my mind for so long

that sometimes i dont know

what else to occupy it with.

you linger with me

pictures hidden

but not deleted

unadded

but not blocked

maybe were met to meet again

for one last heart wrenching event

that will finally tear your path

from mine.

i hope its quick and painless

unlike the way you killed my love for you.

[crying-diet-coke]

why do you still linger in my mind

after so much time has passed

you truly are a parasite

i love you

i hate you

i’ve forgotten you

then i remember.

but its not the right memories

its hazy

i remember the kiss

not the tears that were on my face during

i remember the secret glances

not the lustful ones at another

i remember the song you played

and the one look of love in your eyes

not the hateful words you spit out

just a week later

your eyes once full of love

no wait thats not right.

your eyes once full of lust

now glare at me from across the room

if only youd never fucked her

if only you couldve loved me

i wouldve been yours forever.

[crying-diet-coke]

[crying-diet-coke]

[crying-diet-coke]

i wandered the world only at night

the darkness occasionally extinguished

by the spark of a lighter

a lighter i thought

would catch flame to light a torch

and guide me forward

but all it did was burn me

and scorch me to ashes

as i tried to rebuild and recreate myself

then one day

for the first time

i awoke to the rising sun

and you were there

to link arms with me

and i was no longer wandering blindly

because i had finally reached my destination

in your arms

where i was meant to be

all along.

[crying-diet-coke]

sometimes

my mind lingers

on the past full of thrill

but it wasnt thrill was it

just a roller coaster of emotions

that matched how my brain processed emotions

it wasnt love

because i was never in love with you

loved?

lusted

wanted?

desired.

i thought it was a two way street

but it was only an abandoned alleyway

one for me to walk alone and you to drive by

late at night

when you were drunk

and wanted to forget

the girl you loved before.

[crying-diet-coke]

passion burns through my soul

now i know what i felt before

was never love

but a longing to fill a hole inside me

not meant to be filled by those

who only meant to deceive me

now i see

love isnt drunken kisses

and silent phones during the week

love is bagel bites at 11pm

and chocolate when im sick.

its tender kisses

and embraces that span millennia

love is me for you

and you for me

[crying-diet-coke]

im still up til the break of dawn

til the birds are singing

but at least now its with joy

talking to my lover

instead of laying here with tears

reminiscing over

small

insignificant moments

spent with another

whose thoughts were elsewhere

and intentions were filled with lust

and not love for my soul.

[crying-diet-coke]

youre away again

taken by the powers that be

when oh when

will you return to me

i long just to be in your arms

lay skin to skin

and talk about the stars

i miss your laugh

those perfectly straight teeth

and your eyes

hazel and green

as i see my reflection

smiling back at me.

i miss you as every second passes

and every minute that aches away

i miss you deep in my soul

and my heart years for just a touch

of your lips

loving me

holding me

being mine.

[crying-diet-coke]

spring forward into me

ill catch you as you fall

we’ll fall together

as the cherry blossoms fall around us

framing our figures

as we kiss under the trees

reborn again

in the spring

the warm airs dances

as you look at me

and take my hand in yours

and kiss my fingers with a smile

oh how ive waited for you my dear

oh how ive waited for the spring

the bitter cold leaving this earth

mother nature once again winning the battle

as life returns to our beautiful world.

[crying-diet-coke]

chat i fear i just have attachment issues lmaoo

[crying-diet-coke]

bored and drawing lol

[crying-diet-coke]

i feel like im just feeding the fire

with tinder and kindling

its barely even a fire at this point

atleast the coals are still warm.

one fight and its over right

thats how it always goes isnt it?

once the words come out

you cant take them back.

and its all my fault isnt it

i got drunk and was an idiot

but some of its not on me

you said i love you

its been a week

your eyes looked my hallmate

up and down

and i never realized

i thought we were meant for eachother

but nobodys meant for me

are they?

[crying-diet-coke]

lil sketch (ignore my chipped nails lmao)

[crying-diet-coke]

i wish my mother couldve loved me

i wish he couldve loved me

but since no one ever has

i believe myself incapable of being loved

so when you say you love me

how can i trust it?

i wish my mother had healed

had broken the cycle of not recieving parental love

hadnt gone and found it elsewhere

i wish he had been over his ex

and didnt have to find release

with someone other than me

so when you say you wont leave me

how can i trust it

when everyone else has?

i wish i had not been

broken down

by the people i loved the most.

i still love my mother

i still love him

even though i hate them both

so i dont want to love you

because i could never hate you.