ctrl-beat

[ctrl-beat]

on anticipation

people keep asking me if i’m excited about moving and i don’t know what to say anymore. honestly, most of the time i’m not...is that a bad omen? in the past i’ve always looked forward to the changes in my life - leaving school, going to uni, changing uni, studying abroad, leaving uni - and nearly every time it’s ended in depression and a desperate need to get out of whatever situation i’m in. i would like to feel excited, and occasionally i do, but more than anything i feel nothing but a faint sense of cautiousness punctuated by the occasional intense and unpleasant bout of anxiety and doubt (why am i doing this? i’ll just get depressed and need rescuing, something might happen to my family while i’m away, i’ll end up alone like i always do, how can someone like me ever be happy? etc) or extreme guilt for leaving everyone behind. right now i feel all these things at once and it’s honestly horrible. i’m tired, i’ve had a long day, i have the stress of many things to do, and the Big Day looming ahead of me. feeling overwhelmed is a normal and human response at times like this and i shouldn’t see it as a sign of anything more than what it is.

but i need to remind myself of some things

i am much better than i was a year ago and i can continue to get better

i have moved abroad before and suffered, yes, but i had very bad luck that time and if i look at it a certain way, maybe those things were thrown at me so that i would be better equipped to deal with things now. i know the signs, i know what leads to me slipping into depression and i have the power to stop it happening again. everyone has different challenges to deal with, this is one of mine.

i have utilised and felt the effect of the cbt more this round than i ever have, i feel like it actually got through to me this time, so the odd day or week aside, there’s no reason to think i’m not equipped with the tools to take care of myself.

my family - we will miss each other but if i stay here we’ll just grow dependant and maybe i will feel more resentful. it is better to go and do what i want and then come back. things will happen or not happen regardless of whether i am here or not, and i can see them at least twice before the year is up hopefully.

i have a lot of things to look forward to. i can learn korean properly, i can meet nice and interesting people, go to concerts, easily buy merchandise and cosmetics, learn about a different culture, i will be earning enough money to live comfortably, i’ll have my own space to make my own, i’ll learn a lot by teaching others, and hopefully be able to contribute to young people’s lives in some small way. i’ll have time to write, and read, and travel the country, and other places in asia, i can do silly but fun kpop things like go to dongwoo’s restaurant, nit cafe, and all that. i can climb mountains at the weekend, and go and see the cherry blossoms, and work on my photography. i can go to the ttmik cafe, and go to that art gallery, and many cool cafes with animals and whatnot. i can go to artbox whenever i like, i can try lots of cool new food, pat bingsu in the summer. and people complain about it but i’m actually looking forward to deskwarming. sure, it would be nice to stay at home or go out and travel instead of pointlessly being at school, but it will be kind of cool to be at school alone and i can work on my writing and my korean. 

another thing i often feel bad about is my body image and general appearance. i know from today and yesterday that i feel bad when i have too much sugar and food, mood-wise, and i’m pretty sure this is a scientific thing as well. well, my spots seem to be getting better, my hair isn’t red anymore, i may not look the way i’d ultimately like to but i’ve lost a significant amount of weight despite all the hormonal hurdles and i can continue to do so in the future. this just isn’t the ideal time to do much except maintain and pressuring myself and making myself feel guilty for not losing weight (which is difficult and taxing for anyone but especially for someone with pcos) is not productive at all. if i lose 1 or 2 pounds or maintain or even put on a pound or 2 does it really matter? does it mean i will put on all the weight i’ve lost? that people will care or notice, or think i look terrible? no. i can lose that weight in a few weeks when i am able to put my full effort into it. it is ridiculous to expect myself to deal with everything i have to deal with and to lose weight. i will try to be healthy, hold back on the sugar and refined carbs for the sake of my happiness and health the next few turbulent weeks, but i will not put pressure on myself to lose weight or do any exercise program except on days when i will not be extremely busy and walking a lot. when things have settled i can build a healthy regimen around my routine, slowly, and hopefully then i will lose weight without the stress i have felt these past weeks. i’m not worth less as a person because i’m not thin and anyone that thinks i am isn’t worth the effort of caring about.

anyway, this is mainly a way for me to vent and try to correct my ‘thinking mistakes’ and be more aware of them. i think i have been these past few months through therapy. i didn’t realise how extreme and negative and rigid my thinking is. i didn’t realise that other people don’t think like this, nor the detrimental effect it has on my mind. it’s hard for me to keep up any semblance of positive or healthy thinking, but realising the problem is the first step to correcting it. i feel better for having recorded this and thought through all my negative thoughts and contradicted them, like the whole cbt thing says to do...another thing i must do is learn to take advice, stop thinking that it doesn’t or can’t apply to me because people don’t understand me. properly listening to the advice of my therapist is the best thing i could have done, and i will try and continue to keep it in mind and keep doing this, and i hope the bad episodes will be less, and a more healthy way of thinking, feeling, and living will become more natural.

happiness isn’t a goal or destination, but a process i have to keep working on, that i will not always succeed in, and i have to keep that in mind. 

i hope my next post will be lighter, and shorter, and that i will have allowed myself to feel happy and excited because i am worthy of that much at least.