cyclicalthoughtmachine

[cyclicalthoughtmachine]

On Loneliness

    I don’t know how to talk about emotions. I barely know how to talk properly. I took up music years ago because I never figured out how to speak openly about any ‘bad’ emotions. Part of that may be up to societal expectations that, as a man, I shouldn’t. Or that as an American, I should hide myself away during hard times. Locking away who I am as a person when grief comes bubbling up again, like a volcano erupting with terrifyingly predictable scheduling. That doesn’t matter. The why isn’t important. That’s not why I’m here now. I’m here because I want to fix this problem. And like everything else in my life, I don’t know how to ask for others help, so instead I will put this out into the abyss and expect others to understand what I mean. I don’t want pity, or sympathy. I’m a straight, white, male living in America; I have all the luck I need.

    Today is my birthday, which is cool. I’m 25 now, which is substantially less cool. The government wants more money from me this year so they can put my face onto a fancy piece of plastic. I’m an adult having his quarter life crisis inside a dinky little Starbucks in the 2 hour break between his day jobs. Also my birthday is uncomfortably close to the end of tax season. Not really a 25 kind of problem, more just a life situation problem. Not a lot of people know that it’s my birthday today. I don’t really talk about that with people. I don’t really care if friends celebrate it with me. I’ll probably go out drinking later this week with like 3-5 close friends to celebrate. The whole birth-planet-rotation thing-y being more of an afterthought to the more important celebration of being around the closest thing I have to a proper family. Because of all the people who should know about my birthday, most of my family has forgotten.

    Not forgotten; more like willfully ignored really. I don’t have the best relationship with my family. Tl;dr version: Parents divorced, thought it was just because of my dad, turned out both of them were pretty bad at that empathy thing (Relationship status isn’t as clear cut as it sounds. Any blood relationship is complex but you do what you can). I live hundreds of miles away from my extended families, and I’ve only seen them face to face maybe 8-10 times ever. So maybe it’s the distance problem that explains why I don’t really get letters or calls anymore. But I know it’s more than that.

    It’s hard to explain if you’ve never seen the look before, but at the reunions I remember the conversations, the tones. It was never direct, my family has always too proper for that. But when we talked it was never like being seen as an equal. The words never said it, but the tone told me that I was lesser. That I came from the poor part of the family and I would remain there. That bad blood breeds more bad blood. I’ve never been sure if it was because my 2 sides of the family hate each other (they do) and they just see me as the Romeo and Juliet but in a 2 for 1 package. Becoming a disgusting tenuous tie to the ‘other’ that they don’t want to think about anymore. Or if it’s because they view my parents as failures and I’ll be the failure too. The why doesn’t matter. It’s not what this is about.

    I’ve gotten one phone call from my mother today, I texted my brother a bit (we’re really close, but also busy as fuck) and I’m still, maybe, expecting a call from my dad. But that’s kind of it. No letters. No mentions on my facebook timeline. No calls or texts. It’s fine. I tell myself that all the time. I’m used to being alone. And the birthday thing doesn’t matter. But like the tomatoes that a couple who are about to break up in a week are screaming at each other about, it’s not about that. That’s not why we’re here.

    The pain; that real, subconscious, sticks with you and controls how you relate to people/ emotional damage shit. It’s not because of birthdays. It’s those day to day things. Not having people to call when you need to vent but you can’t trust your friends to talk about it. Not having a place to go when you just can’t be around your roomates right now no it’s fine i’m fine i just need some space dude. And just those small little reminders that nobody is there to support you when you fall.

    It’s not nobody. I use hyperbole too much. I have friends. I have fucking amazing friends. People who will drop $250 like it’s nothing to help me when I need to get a new car, people who will go out of their way to get me into relationships when they know I need someone but I don’t know how to be outgoing. There are days that I genuinely can’t believe that I’ve had the luck to be around a system of friends this amazing. They truly are the closest thing to a family I’ve never had. And I’m fine with that. But it’s these little days that hit me just a little too hard. When it’s my birthday and nobody calls, when it’s christmas and I have nowhere to go, when it’s 3am and all I can think about is how I’m a failure and they were right and I’m going to be broke forever and the spiral consumes all my thoughts and I demonize my family and vilify myself and make terrible run on sentences in my head until my insomnia finally gives in and lets me have a fucking break.

    I don’t know what the moral of this all is. I don’t think my mess of a life has one. I’m more used to creating stories. Things where there’s meaning and context and you can wrap up the loose ends. Where the theme and goal are clear cut. Maybe this is about how your family is those closest to you and not who you share blood with. Maybe it’s that we spend too much creating connections to things that we shouldn’t. That if the other is unwilling, we shouldn’t invest our time and energy into an emotional relationship. But that’s not how life works. I’ve seen a shitty one sided relationship from the outside before. It’s complicated and messy but you always put more into it then you will ever get out. And that happens. It’s how this works. I don’t know what the moral is. That’s not the point either. That’s not why we’re here.

    I’m here, and if you’re still reading this, I guess you’re here too because I want to open a dialogue with you. I don’t know how to do this without anonymity. No matter how much I tell myself that shielding my emotions from the world is bad for me and I should be fine with opening myself up completely, I just can’t. Not now. But I am willing to give something a try. Because doing nothing hasn’t helped my emotional state so far. So feel free to ask me questions about relationships, depression, loneliness. Tell me I’m a piece of shit or share your story, whatever really. I want to get used to talking about my emotions, maybe like this, maybe with a few less $5 words, I dunno. If you are one of the few people who do know who I am, I ask that you don’t tell anyone or share this with someone directly. Don’t let people know who made this. I trust you to not. And to everyone. Thanks for sticking through this rant. You’re pretty damn cool.