daisytalksstuff-blog

[daisytalksstuff-blog]

Understanding the Self: A Continuous Function

Looking back at my previous blog entries, I realized I’ve already become a different person. With the change in my bioecological systems, this was more than expected. My microsystem, my source of stability, went from my family who will always have my back to my friends who I have come to depend on ever since I moved from Cebu to Manila. I also experienced a great change in my macrosystem since I am now a part of a different field. Before moving here, I feared that I would be discriminated for my regional background which determined my values and beliefs and even my preferred language. But, it was a pleasant surprise to meet people that saw me for who I am instead of where I am from. 

This hybrid identity I have formed in my short stay here has been cultivated by my exposure to Tagalog instead of Bisaya, to Manileños instead of Cebuanos, and to more liberalist and Western ideologies instead of the conservative and religious ideologies I was raised upon. Although different people and views have impacted me during my stay here, this does not necessarily mean that my identity has been compromised because I am both open-minded and resolute on my core values and purpose. This, in turn, has led to me taking advantage of new opportunities that were not available to me in Cebu. 

My new goal then is to make the most of my stay here in the Ateneo. I truly believe that the only things in life we regret are the things we never even bother to try. But since I’m the type of person who feels joy when I’m successful, it is conversely true that I’m the type of person who feels sad when I fail. This is rooted in my desire to make my loved ones proud because it was me who decided to come and study here. I could have stayed at home but I wanted to fulfill my potential. My greatest fear then is to disappoint the people I love because of this choice I made. But, I’ve realized that doing my best here is already more than enough. My only competition should be myself because I’m a work in progress and I’m in constant need of improvement. I understand now that I should grow at my own pace, organically.

In my current excursion into adulthood, I am still developing my sense of self and morality through self-exploration and social interactions. My parents made me who I am but I can more clearly see my unique distinctiveness from them because of our separation. Because of healthy individuation, I can be who I am and still feel connected to them. I also used to be someone reliant on the opinions of others. But now, I value real and meaningful relationships over one-sided friendships. I think that I have adjusted well enough to Ateneo because I am growing and learning while I remember and honor my roots. 

To conclude, my habitus may have affected how I perceive this new life I have but it hasn’t kept me from living it. Intersectionality labels the privileges or forms of oppression we feel. But, I think that these labels are restrictions. We are more than our capital. We are more than the discrimination we are victims of. We are human beings who are constantly changing throughout the course of life. Understanding the self is an exercise for the youth and for the aged. True self-realization can only come from a critical analysis of the person we currently are and the person we can still become.

[daisytalksstuff-blog]

To be honest, I don’t like labels. At their best, they are a reflection of who you are. However, at their worst, they can be pretty confining. Since your gender and sexual identity are things that exist in a spectrum, I find it very unnecessary to restrict yourself to a certain identity. 

Throughout the course of our lives, at one point or another, we’ve felt the influence of society’s views on us. Regardless if you are aware of it or not, our identities have been affected by assumptions others make about us. These assumptions turn into labels and before we know it, these labels get attached to us. It’s pretty hard to shake off something that reflects how people think about you, but it could also become pretty harmful if your identity is dependent on the opinions of others.

Personally, I think our identity is something we should explore. Considering that we go through multiple developmental stages in our lives, I feel that we should use it as an opportunity for growth. Change is the only thing constant in life. Life would not be as fulfilling if we remained stagnant. And so, currently, I identify as a woman whose gender expression is usually feminine. I’m also sexually and romantically attracted to both guys and girls. These things are subject to change but also things that reassure me of who I am at this point in time. And, for me, that’s more than enough. 

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“Adulting”

As someone who has recently entered the thresholds of university life, I see and understand myself as a work in progress. I personally feel that since we go through the different developmental stages in our life that there is no optimal version of ourselves. There is always the opportunity to become better, and I want to take advantage of this. I am under no illusions that I have got things under control because the truth is, I do not. And, that is okay.

Throughout my entire academic career, I have always been an overachiever. I was the type to do everything and anything to ensure that I would get that A+ because I knew that as long as I worked hard, then everything was going to go according to plan. I was even the “well-rounded” type who had a hand in academics, sports, and other extracurriculars. However, in college, it’s harder. Sometimes, you don’t get the grade. Sometimes, you can’t quite find that balance. And sometimes, hard work doesn’t translate. To be honest, it took me quite a while to be okay with this.

I have realized in my short stay here that doing my best is already more than enough. With the opportunities and the subsequent competition that you can find at the university, it was hard for me not to pressure myself. But now, I just want to grow at my own pace, organically. I feel like it is through this that I can slowly but surely become the person that I am meant to be. 

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The Feeling Self

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Remembering My Roots

It has been exactly twenty-six days, two hours, and eleven minutes since I’ve officially moved to Metro Manila or “The Big City”, as we called it back home. And for me, home would forever be described as Cebu. I am a proud Bisaya, a proud Bisdak, and a proud probinsyano even if, ultimately, it was me who decided to move far, far away from everything I’ve ever known. But, to be quite honest, I thought that this would be much harder. 

I thought that the last brunch with my closest friends—who cheered me on at my highest and also stood by me at my lowest—would be more of a tear-jerker. I honestly thought that my stomach would drop from something other than the intense altitude the exact moment that the plane took off from Cebu. I certainly thought that the homesickness would kill me when my parents and my brother said their final goodbye to me. Yet, it didn’t. None of these things proved to be true even if they should’ve, and I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I do miss everyone back home, obviously. I miss everything from the food to the close proximity of the beach to anywhere you were even if you were deep into Cebu’s latest urban development. However, I didn’t know if I was just repressing the crippling depression, or if I was just adjusting well.

Because I have gotten used to living here, on my own. In my more than three weeks here, I’ve pretty much memorized where everything is on campus. I have a vague sense of important places along Katipunan like the grocery, the bank, and even the best place to hang with friends.  I’ve also become more accustomed to living in a small dorm with an introvert roommate whereas I, myself, am an extrovert. I have even made new friends—good friends, in fact.

I’ve made friends with Manileños, although I initially thought that they would be the ones causing me grief during my four-year stay here; considering I was from the province. I really, really thought that they’d make fun of my deep accent, but so far, I’ve just gotten asked to bring some lechon the next time I go back home and even got some requests for me to give them a tour if they ever come to the “Queen City of the South”. I’ve also made friends with others who speak Bisaya from different provinces like Cagayan de Oro. And all of these friends of mine, including my quiet roommate, have kind of helped me in my transition to college and my transition from Cebu to Manila.

Even if it has only been a few weeks since I’ve arrived here, I’ve noticed little changes in myself. I noticed that I’d spoken the best Tagalog I ever have even if I had been taking Filipino as a core subject during my entire grade school and secondary school experience. My mother would even comment during our nightly video chats that my filler words were no longer Bisaya in origin but things like parang and naman. I also noticed that I had grown to be more responsible and independent compared to when I was still living with my parents, for I no longer had anyone to nag me on to do my chores or to do my homework but now I had to do things on my own prerogative. But overall, the most recent and the most noticeable adjustment in me was the fact that I was more open to opportunities to become a better person. Extroverts can be shy and I used to shy away from new things and new people until now. I could honestly say that I’ve recently come out of my shell and started making the most out of the many opportunities I can find here in the Ateneo. And I can honestly say that I’m better for it. It has made my decision to study here, and not in Cebu, even more worthwhile.

So, to conclude, I don’t particularly think that I’ve forgotten my roots, but rather, I’m doing my part to honor them by doing my best here. I still regularly contact my friends and family. I still speak in Bisaya when the opportunity presents itself. I still consider Cebu as my home but none of these have stopped me from excelling here academically, socially, and especially in anything that can help me in the future career-wise. 

There are still moments when I stumble like when I try more and more to speak Tagalog and some Bisaya comes out instead, but ultimately, I feel that as long as I’m doing my best then I’m doing good. Manila is a melting pot of different provincial cultures especially here in the Ateneo. I don’t quite think I’ve gotten the hang of big city life just yet but with the help of who I was before I got here and who I am now has made this transition much simpler. I think I’ve actually reached a point where I’ve made peace with being the Manila friend to my Cebuano friends when I come back because in all honesty, although I am and always will be a Cebuano, I am also now growing to be more of a Manileño too.  

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To Whom It May Concern:

Hi.

How are you?

It’s been a long time since we’ve talked so I hope you’re doing well.

I see that your parents allowed you to study out of state so you’re probably happy. I mean, the homesickness probably sucks but you’ve always been such an independent person.

If being independent meant that you rolled on your belly anytime you felt the need to please others.

Seeing that you’re living on your own now, you’re probably having the time of your life getting pressured into doing things you don’t want to do. However, I should advise you to enjoy things at your own pace not just for the Instagram story.

I know you hate missing out, but you’re there to study. Prioritize your studies, not the people who hardly care for you. Academics aren’t everything but just remember how hard your loving, so loving parents worked to provide you with a good life and a quality education. You owe it to them to do well.

You owe them everything.

So.

You’re probably wondering why I’m sending you this letter. You’re probably not even going to read this. And, I want you to know that I’m doing this because I felt that it’s been a long time since I’ve been honest with you. 

So, please excuse my frankness, but I don’t like you.

I don’t like how you walk like you’re carrying the weight of everyone else’s opinion. I don’t like how you talk like you’re afraid of being heard. I especially don’t like how your life is ruled by somebody other than yourself.

And so, I may not like you but I do know you.

I know you and I see you. I see your dreams and aspirations. I see the way you get all fired up when you talk about your passions and ambition. And, I see your potential to be more than a follower.

To be more than what others think of you.

I’m sorry, okay?

I’m sorry for letting you think those terrible things about yourself. I’m sorry for allowing you to ignore your problems. I’m especially sorry for not standing up for you.

I may not have encouraged your best self before, but I am more than willing to do it now.

I will no longer be a spectator that enables you to do things detrimental to not only your self-esteem but also to your mental health. I want to be your number one fan who will support you and appreciate you when no one else does because I may not like this facade you’ve put up for others but I do love you. The real you. 

I hope you also learn how to love the real you. 

I hope you become confident about yourself, your talents, and your abilities. I want you to do the things you love as well as the things you’ve always wanted to do because the only things you regret in life are the things you ended up not doing.

Please stop wasting your life with toxic people who are there to act as stepping stones, not anchors. Never be afraid to get yourself out of an unhealthy and meaningless relationship. Life is too short to spend it with people who will never give you the time of day. People who only see you for what you can do for them.

Do understand that life is already difficult. Don’t make it harder for yourself by living according to the standards of others. Because at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live with yourself. It’s you who has to love yourself.

I know habits aren’t so easily broken, but I hope this is a wake-up call for you. Just acknowledging your areas of improvement will motivate you to correct them. And so, please don’t ignore this call for change because you’ve got your entire life ahead of you and I know that you can do and be so much more.

I’m so excited for what’s in store for you. 

Sincerely,

You