darcieakira

[darcieakira]

no response is already a response

[darcieakira]

It's over. Even if I drop dead right now, you would not blink while leaving me. How heartless my love came to be. So, this is what it feels like when you're not needed anymore in someone's life.

[darcieakira]

"Rip my heart from my chest and I'll still apologize for making a mess"

Damn, my fucking heart. Every day, I talk to You. Every day, I beg to You to please, please, please, give me back the person who he was before. That man who cannot sleep without calling me, the guy who's sulking because I didn't call back, the guy who's clingy with me—the guy I fell in love with, Lord, give him back to me, please.

[darcieakira]

I have realized that my limitations are much lower than I thought them to be. My abilities are below average and I am only useful in terms of academics. I am naive, ignorant, and a spoiled person. I thought I was starting to learn how to understand my partner. I thought I could finally help him somehow when things go south, but no. I'm still useless. He still couldn't confide in me. He still couldn't tell me anything bothering him. I am still not enough, a nonsense, a useless partner—I've already named it myself.

I asked The One Up High to please give me guidance because I want to understand him more. I want to know. I want to help. Then, I realized. If removing me from his life will help him a little bit, I would accept it albeit difficult. Then, another part of me refused to. I want to stay. I don't want to leave. It would ruin me and I won't know how to get up again.

It came to the point where I was asking Him why is he putting too much pressure on my partner. Like, "Everything happens for a reason, right? Then, why is he suffering too much? Is this necessary? Will this help him? Does what he experienced in the past not enough?" That was satisfying—my talk with Him, I mean. It's not every day that I express everything. Alone. In my room. With only Him as the listener.

[darcieakira]

Not observant, but an overthinker

The first time you said you were on call with a friend, I believed it with all my heart and mind. I tried to dismiss the thoughts and the bad feelings because I trusted you with my all. I asked the same question for the second time after two days, and you still told me it was your friend. And it's one that I recognize the name, your best friend's name. So, I didn't doubt you. I felt relieved.

But when you confessed because you felt guilty and that I didn't deserve it, you told me, it was really your former partner. The one whom you called "crazy bitch"—the one who told me, at the first month of our relationship, that you are still with her, but, then, proceeds to ask forgiveness for disturbing me and the lies that she told me. The one you said I didn't have to worry about, your partner of five years.

I asked God, "Why me? Why should I experience this? Everything happens for a reason, right? Then, why should this happen to me? Why should I feel this pain?" I was always dying after that. The image keeps on visiting my mind whenever it wants. And even though you told me that you won't do it again, I still feel like you would. It's the first time I've been betrayed like this.

Now that you ended our call to call a "friend", I am skeptical—worried, even, that you will do it again. This time, with a different woman but someone who is still better than me. Then I asked why couldn't you just say your "friend's" name to me. You replied, "Why would I?" I wanted to ask back, "To assure me, why wouldn't you?" but I stopped myself. I don't want to argue again. So, I let you call whoever your friend is. And, if you betrayed me again with this "friend" of yours, then, this is on me. Because I let you.

~ cieakira

[darcieakira]

you set the standard for the next guy who would try to pursue me :))

[darcieakira]

not me wanting to turn back the time again to the night we first met, because i want to do it all over again, but this, i'll guide my heart well.

[darcieakira]

please do not confess if you don't live up to your words and actions. what am i gonna do with the memories that you left behind?

[darcieakira]

[darcieakira]

REBLOG IF YOU WANT A LOVE LETTER FROM A FICTIONAL CHARACTER IN YOUR ASK BOX NOW

[darcieakira]

with the tears flowing down my cheeks, my cries were silent, my supposed-to-be screams were muffled down by the sound of water; i had another episode of life.

[darcieakira]

Drowned

A fictional story based on how I coped up when I had my break up. Words: 2.2k

I drowned myself. In books. In movies. In music. Under the sky. In cooking. In learning instruments I didn't know before. In researching places I like to go to. I occupied my time to the extent that even the people surrounding me got shocked because I'm doing these.

I did those because I thought I could get you out of my mind, even for just a second. I did everything that I can. I focused on myself. I focused on my passion. I ignored everything that could remind me of you. I avoid triggers.

"You move too much." My father said when he saw me coming out of my room for the third time of the day. I plan on making some snacks that time because I can't stay in my room for it reminds me of you.

"Really? I think this is normal for me." I replied to him. Nobody knows the reason why. Only I and a few of my friends know because I never wanted anyone to know what really happened.

---

"Why are you using your laptop? Does your phone have any problems again?" my brother asked me. I ignored him and just continued typing. I was trying to focus on my work.

To be honest, I rarely used my phone. I just open it when I ask something about school stuff and such. Sometimes, I pass the day without touching it. The reason was, it contained all of your pictures and messages that I can't bring myself to delete. I always fight the urge to open my gallery just to look at those.

I thought I was doing just fine not until I heard your voice again. The very same voice that I listen to before I go to sleep and after I woke up. Quite creepy of me.

Ghad! I just found myself repeating it again and again until I reminisce about our past.

The 'you' before that was clinging to me, understanding me, washing away my insecurities, making my self-esteem up, making my world beautiful and colourful that I never thought it would be; I was on top of the world whenever we're together.

I thought...we're gonna last. I thought we're gonna fulfil the plans we made.

What happened? What did go wrong?

---

"Let's stop this, Nola." You said that Tuesday night. I thought we're gonna hang out this day. I thought we're gonna have fun. I never thought that it's the opposite.

"Give me a reason. Every damn reason you can think about. Then I'll let go of this relationship." I tried to sound firm. I tried to be strong in front of you, who were looking at me with his now cold eyes.

It was the same eyes that I stare at whenever I'm tired. It was the same eyes who saw me once as his world. The only thing that has change was it was warm and loving before. It is icy cold now.

"I'm tired of your childishness."

"W-What do you mean?"

"I'm tired of understanding you. To be honest, I looked stupid all the time when we're together."

I bit my lower lip to hold back my tears. I clenched my fist to find my strength to speak again even though I know my voice will crack.

"Since when did you start feeling this way?" he shook his head and took a step back.

"Can I leave now?"

"Answer me, Luke." I said again. "Please..." I whispered, knowing he didn't hear because he shook his head again.

"Are you letting go of this now?" I didn't speak but I nod. I let him turn his back on me. That's when I let my tears fall.

He's not the same person who hates to see me cry and panics when he knows I'm about to. He's not the person who loves to hug me and steal kisses on my cheeks when I'm not looking. He's not the same person who admired me for who I am. It's like he has changed.

I took the audacity to stay on my friend's house. She didn't say anything. She just left me there on her bed, crying while hugging myself. I didn't contact my dad that I'll stay here.

Elle handed me a cup of milk and I took it. The warmth that the mug gave me brings back what happened a while ago which made me cry again.

"I lost him, Elle." She stayed quiet.

"W-We're over now."

"Start over again, Nola. I know you can." I shook my head while continuously crying. I don't know. I don't know where to start when I've become fully dependent on him.

---

"Hey, Nola." She called me. It's about three weeks since we broke up. We're here inside her room to vent out. We watched movies, play games; I can't keep track of it all. I just know that, she's trying her best to distract me and avoid my mind to wander into our memories before.

"You fine? You've been staring to nothingness for quite a while now."

"A little...birdie told me. That his friends do not approve me."

"Why are you still involving yourself with that guy? Oh god, Nola, forget about him. All the more reason to forget him. Why don't you try to entertain other guys?" I hugged the pillow beside me, thinking it's him.

"You saw me trying, right? I've been through three different apps. I tried. I tried to entertain them but, Elle, no avail."

"For Pete's sake, it's been three weeks!"

"That's it!" I found my voice rising against my best friend. "It has been three weeks. Just three weeks. Elle, I can't forget the guy I love in just three weeks. I... I just can't."

"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love him anymore. Or at least, your love for him lessened." I shook my head.

"Oh fuck, Nola! Look at me." I did what she said.

"What is holding you back from letting your memories go?"

---

It was this conversation that holds me back from letting our memories go.

"I love you." He blurted out. We were lying on his bed. He buried his face on my neck and hugged me tight.

"Yeah, you love me. For now."

"What are you saying?"

"Luke, I know there will come a day that we're gonna have separate ways. There will come a time that we'll be back to being strangers again. That's the day I know you'll be tired of me." He kissed my cheek which made my shut up.

"Silly. I love you, that's not gonna happened. If it will, I'll make sure that it's you and me who'll end up together again. I promise."

"You're not sure, Luke. If that happened, you won't see me again."

"Then, I'll find you. In every place that I can think of, I will find you. You just have to promise me that you'll wait for me."

This is the only thing that keeps me holding back. The last resort. His promise to me.

---

I requested to my dad to let me live in Baguio. He didn't ask why but I'm sure, he's curious as hell. He knew I hated Baguio before because of its temperature. But now, the environment here is clearly what I needed.

"Do you have everything that you need? Money? A tour guide, perhaps? A car?" I cut off his question that he was throwing at me. Oh, dad.

"Dad, I'm just hanging out with Elle here. Besides, I've been here in Baguio for three years already. Don't worry, I can handle myself now." I heard him sigh on the other side. He is like this always whenever I leave the house. At times, it's annoying but I understand because I was his only daughter.

"Okay, but call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Yes, dad. I gotta hang up now. I can see Elle waving at me." I didn't wait for his answer. By the time I ended the call, Elle was beside me.

"So, ready?" I nodded at her while I can't contain my excitement. Actually, this will be the first time that we're travelling together. No chaperone and no one to interrupt us.

We were about to get inside the car when I remembered something I left on the kitchen counter. It's something like a souvenir that my mom asked me to deliver to her friend, a long-time friend whom I didn't know about. I asked Elle to wait there inside as I ran back to the house my dad prepared for me for years.

When I saw it there inside, I immediately exited the house, locked it then get back in the car. As I was about to start the engine, I noticed a figure of a person standing just a little bit away from us, though I can't see his face clearly, I am pretty sure he's looking at us. I decided to leave before I overthink it again.

"We'll just drop off something for my mom's friend then we'll go hang out. Is that okay?" I asked Elle.

"Yes, totally. Freak, I'm excited about this whole trip omg. I can't believe mom and dad gave me permission. I wanna make the best out of this. And you, young lady." She pointed her finger at me.

"You're my tour guide here." I just chuckled at her. She's too excited.

---

"Yes, tita. Mom is hoping you two will hang out just like the old times." I answered Tita Marie when she asked how my mom was now.

"I'd love to. But I have two nephews that I'm taking care of. Maybe when they finished college, I can go to your mom's." As if on cue, we heard a man's voice behind me.

"Tita, she's not there like you said. I figured she would be... here..."

How can I forget that voice? What is he doing here? I didn't turn my back to look at him, but his tita pulled him and now, we're facing each other.

"Oh, Nola. Meet my nephew, Luke. Luke, she's Nola." I smiled at him, sincerely. He looked shock but he smiled at me, too. Oh Luke, that's a fake one.

"Small world, isn't it?" I said.

"You two knew each other?" Tita Marie asked, curiously.

"We're—"

"Acquaintances, tita." I didn't want anyone to know how we had a relationship before. Even my parents.

"I'll leave you two, okay? And Nola, thank you for coming. Luke, see her at the door." She left after that. Silence has come between us.

"Nola..."

"I enjoyed my stay. I'll leave now, Elle is waiting for me." I turned my back on him but I was stopped by his hand, grabbing my arm.

"Can we talk?" I looked at my watch. It wouldn't hurt me to talk to him but Elle is waiting. She's not an impatient woman, though. Well, a few minutes will do.

"Sure." He let go of my arm.

"I regret about us." I let him speak. I won't open my mouth unless I need to.

"I've made the wrong decision in the past. I let my feelings be decided by someone else. I really just missed my single life." He tried to touch my hand, again, but this time, he won't succeed.

"No touching please. So what are you trying to say, Luke?" he looked at me as if he wants to beg. His eyes are.

"Can we start over again, Nola? Can us..."

I smiled at him.

"Luke, you saw how I drowned myself in every possible thing that I can think of. Do you know what is running in my mind that time? Your words, your promises, the moments we shared; everything about us."

"I was waiting for you to save me from the sea that I created. I was hoping that you'll come for me. I fulfilled my promise to wait for you but... I saw it. You had a lot of relationship after mine. What am I supposed to think about that?" he tried to touch me again but I took a step back.

"No, you won't touch me. I don't want to interact to people like you. Sure, we can start over. By strangers, I mean." He looked like he wants to say something but he shut again his mouth. That's my cue to leave. But before I leave the door, I faced him again and said,

"I truly was happy for the memories that we shared. And the fact that you fulfilled your promise to me. I hope you're happy now because I am."

I walked towards the car and I saw Elle, looking worried. When she saw me, she immediately ran towards me and hugged me tight.

"Wait, c-can't breathe." I said. She let me go while looking at me, intently.

"I saw Luke coming in that house." I chuckled at her to reassure that I am fine.

"You think I would be a cry baby now?" I shook my head and opened the door of the car. "Elle, I grew up. There are things that are not worth crying for. Now, ready for the trip?"

Now, it looks like she's about to cry.

"I'm proud of you. You become so strong after you two broke up."

"Silly. Get in the car now, I'm excited as hell."

But really, I am happy now. During the years that I lost him, I thought it was a torture for me. I thought life was bad for me. But I also learned that I was just in the bad chapter of my life. That's why... in the sea that I created myself, instead of drowning, I chose to learn how to float freely.

[darcieakira]

with the heavy rain pouring down on my roof, my mug of coffee that had gone cold, my warm blanket hugging my whole being; i remembered the time when i last did this. it was two years ago, when i was still dependent on someone to be happy or just to feel happiness. but now, i was happy because i'm starting to appreciate the small things that were always beside me when times are hard.

[darcieakira]

Water

I thought I was in deep pain. I though I was in a miserable situation. I thought I was depressed to the point that I thought of ending everything. I thought I was pitiful enough. But compared to everyone I am with, mine was nothing. If theirs was as big as the sea, mine was as small as a puddle.

[darcieakira]

Fall

Breathe in Breathe out Watch your steps down the stairs One wrong step and you're dead

Someone was chasing me down I ran like crazy When I turned back A hand was reaching out

Hence, I closed my eyes But I still ran When I heard gasps I stopped on my tracks

I saw someone lying behind me Her head faced flat on the floor The blood was surrounding her Almost as if she was summoned by it

I waked up unfazed I can feel her gaze It's my grandmother I knew it was her

[darcieakira]

Television

On the third night after I cut myself I saw her staring at me I avert my eyes when I met hers But, it kept coming back to her

She was not in front of my door like before She was inside an old television Her eyes were dark As if cursing me through the screen

I can't move my body Like I was nailed on the floor Our eyes were the only thing That kept on meeting

The way she looks at me It was what kept me to look back But I still look away after few seconds Because I'm scared

I'm scared to know why she was staring Or why she visited me twice in my dream And then, I looked back again But the television, its screen was already black

[darcieakira]

Wonder

I wonder if that person really want me gone She said it so lightly Every time I did something wrong "I'll be the one to kill you!"

But at times, she's lovely Like there's no trace of anger And I felt calmed temporarily I'd watched her smile happily

Was her threat just an expression of her? Or was it a warning from her? I can't read her every move Since she really is unpredictable

As she hit me with everything she got Or as she pull everything from my body She'd always say it so lightly, "I will kill you!"