datamogging

[datamogging]

So Data, how many girls have you slept with?

I do not sleep, therefore I--

--No, no, no. Data, I mean, how many times have you gotten laid? How many times have you fucked? Have you ever had sex?

Ah, I understand now. Allow me to respond with a question of my own, Mr. Stern: have you ever valued anything of the human experience besides the orgasm?

Uh...What the fuck does that mean?

As I expected. Then I must help you explore those horizons.

So Data, you say you're from the future and you're like a 100%, completely artificial robot. First of all, that's fucking sick. Second of all, Jamie's shown me a shit ton of videos of androids and all of them creep me the fuck out. You're not as creepy but I definitely wouldn't fuck with you.

Which brings me to my first question: Before we get to anything else, I know it's on all our listeners' minds... how much can you lift?

That is an excellent question, Joe. My synthetic muscles and hydraulics systems provide me with strength well beyond the physical limits of a human being, but I am not aware of what my own limits would be. However, I can easily bend a bar of plasteel with a tensile strength of forty kilo-bars, so--

--Hold on. Jamie, look that up. How strong is that? Wait, the human bite force isn't even one hundredth of a kilobar? Holy shit, Data. I bet you could fucking chew through a tank. You think you could handle a chimp?

I have never considered that possibility, Joe. It would have to depend on whether my teeth could handle the material deformation of steel. However, I suppose we could test your question. Geordie, please replicate one live male chimpanzee with highly elevated testosterone, cortisol, and adrenaline levels, and beam it to our location.

No, Data--wait--

[datamogging]

I would advise that you take it slow for now, Mr. Worf. The Crusher program can take you for "quite the ride." Computer, initiate program setting but do not start.

Thank you, Captaim, but I will be the judge of my own... limitations. Computer, start program at maximum sett--

So, Worf, Data tells me that you've recently become interested in Cock and Ball Torture.

He.... claimed that it was "beneficial" for enhancing male... performance.

Indeed. Now you may not know this, but there is a reason we refer to Beverly as "Dr. Crusher." If you accompany me to the Holodeck, I'll show you why.

[datamogging]

No son, I'm afraid it's not. First time we got reports of it were when our boys came back from the Somme Defensive back in '18. Frankly it gave them more shell shock than going over the top. Unfortunately it's pretty common with military wives, especially when all the other men around have enlisted.

Odo, where are you going? Nurse Garland's a white woman from the 1940's. There's no way she'll fuck you!

[datamogging]

Geordie, triangulate the location of user @vibropulse, and replicate another living male chimpanzee with the same hormonal levels within his living quarters, and monitor life signs. Now we shall test Rogan's more popular hypothesis.

So Data, you say you're from the future and you're like a 100%, completely artificial robot. First of all, that's fucking sick. Second of all, Jamie's shown me a shit ton of videos of androids and all of them creep me the fuck out. You're not as creepy but I definitely wouldn't fuck with you.

Which brings me to my first question: Before we get to anything else, I know it's on all our listeners' minds... how much can you lift?

That is an excellent question, Joe. My synthetic muscles and hydraulics systems provide me with strength well beyond the physical limits of a human being, but I am not aware of what my own limits would be. However, I can easily bend a bar of plasteel with a tensile strength of forty kilo-bars, so--

--Hold on. Jamie, look that up. How strong is that? Wait, the human bite force isn't even one hundredth of a kilobar? Holy shit, Data. I bet you could fucking chew through a tank. You think you could handle a chimp?

I have never considered that possibility, Joe. It would have to depend on whether my teeth could handle the material deformation of steel. However, I suppose we could test your question. Geordie, please replicate one live male chimpanzee with highly elevated testosterone, cortisol, and adrenaline levels, and beam it to our location.

No, Data--wait--

[datamogging]

Odo, where are you going? Nurse Garland's a white woman from the 1940's. There's no way she'll fuck you!

[datamogging]

So Data, you say you're from the future and you're like a 100%, completely artificial robot. First of all, that's fucking sick. Second of all, Jamie's shown me a shit ton of videos of androids and all of them creep me the fuck out. You're not as creepy but I definitely wouldn't fuck with you.

Which brings me to my first question: Before we get to anything else, I know it's on all our listeners' minds... how much can you lift?

That is an excellent question, Joe. My synthetic muscles and hydraulics systems provide me with strength well beyond the physical limits of a human being, but I am not aware of what my own limits would be. However, I can easily bend a bar of plasteel with a tensile strength of forty kilo-bars, so--

--Hold on. Jamie, look that up. How strong is that? Wait, the human bite force isn't even one hundredth of a kilobar? Holy shit, Data. I bet you could fucking chew through a tank. You think you could handle a chimp?

I have never considered that possibility, Joe. It would have to depend on whether my teeth could handle the material deformation of steel. However, I suppose we could test your question. Geordie, please replicate one live male chimpanzee with highly elevated testosterone, cortisol, and adrenaline levels, and beam it to our location.

No, Data--wait--

[datamogging]

So, Worf, Data tells me that you've recently become interested in Cock and Ball Torture.

He.... claimed that it was "beneficial" for enhancing male... performance.

Indeed. Now you may not know this, but there is a reason we refer to Beverly as "Dr. Crusher." If you accompany me to the Holodeck, I'll show you why.

[datamogging]

if picard finds out about more of datas shenanigans, he might get a dataflogging

Please! No more puns! I beg of you...

What if he walked in on Tasha Yar and Data going at it? Would that be witnessing a "datasnogging?"

AAAAAAAUGH NO MORE, PLEASE

[datamogging]

We are finally kings, Data.

Captain, I am not sure that firing on the Cardassian homeworld is a--

Mr. Picard, the Captain did not ask for your opinion. The only reason we allow the Holodeck Janitor on the bridge is so the Captain can laugh at your, in his words, "shitty little outfit."

Thanks Data. Jean-Luc, if you wanna be useful, why don't you scrub down the holodeck tiles and start up another round of "Sounding Sessions with Dr. Crusher" for me?

(Good End)

I do not know who you are or where you hail from, colored man, but England WILL fall, the Saxons will be driven from their lands, and no one will grieve your death here. What do you hope to gain in talking?

You've got it all wrong. I'm not here to talk. I'm here to make sure that there is nobody left to grieve for you. Data, vaporize this pasty-ass white boy and his entourage. Maximum power level.

It is done, Geordie. Aarhus is no more.

One thing I do not understand, why was it important to alter history and not merely perform this in the Holodeck? Is this not merely seeking catharsis for all of the racial slights your people suffered?

No, Data. This is bigger than that. Yakub's crimes must be answered, and his children put to the sword. We should have been kings, Data, and when I'm done with this time-line, we will be.

[datamogging]

Quark, there's no way I'm letting this "Grand Nagus" buy DS9. And there's no way in Hell he's getting my son!

You don't understand, Sisko, you can't just say no to the Grand Nagus. You think the Borg are bad? The Nagus could buy up the entire Borg fleet and pay to have 3 more of them manufactured. It's either we give him the station or we give him Jake.

There's got to be some other way. What other options do we have?

Gentlemen, perhaps there's something I can do?

...Odo, I'd rather not involve you unless absolutely necessary--

--think nothing of it, Commander. I used to perform "cavity searches" on Cardassians all the time, usually by appearing to be someone they desired. It's second nature by now.

...

Nagus, it's, uh, good to see you again! To be honest, I, um, wasn't expecting your illustrious presence! What brings you back to DS9?

Quark, you look as if my presence here isn't welcomed! Let's get to the point: I've been impressed with how you've continued to profit at the bar in spite of everything that's happened here! Very shrewd business accumen!

I see... uh, well it's not really for--

-- I've given it some thought, and I'd like to buy the entire station. No, don't say no just yet. I've unfortunately gotten less greedy in my old age, and all I'm looking for now is some peace, quiet, and privacy! I'm sure I can make an offer that even Starfleet won't turn down. Now, if I could only find a suitable child bride with which to share my twilight years...

A... a child bride?

Quark, are your losing your hearing? That's right, a child bride. I've been looking for years with no luck, nobody with the right--wait a minute--who is that gorgeous specimen?

Dad? Why is that old Farengi looking at me like that?

[datamogging]

Nagus, it's, uh, good to see you again! To be honest, I, um, wasn't expecting your illustrious presence! What brings you back to DS9?

Quark, you look as if my presence here isn't welcomed! Let's get to the point: I've been impressed with how you've continued to profit at the bar in spite of everything that's happened here! Very shrewd business accumen!

I see... uh, well it's not really for--

-- I've given it some thought, and I'd like to buy the entire station. No, don't say no just yet. I've unfortunately gotten less greedy in my old age, and all I'm looking for now is some peace, quiet, and privacy! I'm sure I can make an offer that even Starfleet won't turn down. Now, if I could only find a suitable child bride with which to share my twilight years...

A... a child bride?

Quark, are your losing your hearing? That's right, a child bride. I've been looking for years with no luck, nobody with the right--wait a minute--who is that gorgeous specimen?

Dad? Why is that old Farengi looking at me like that?

[datamogging]

Sir Geordie, I am eternally grateful for your actions in eradicating the Danish threat, not just from Wessex, but the entirety of the Isles. But was it necessary to slaughter every Danish man, woman, and child to extinction? Should we, as Christians, not have offered them some mercy?

No, Your Majesty. It was necessary. Does not the gospel of Matthew say that "it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah in the day of judgment than for that city?" The Day is upon us. You must abdicate your throne so that I may seek audience with the Pope and unite Christendom at last.

I would not trust these men, Lord. Powerful though they may be--

--Enough. Though I must voice my skepticism, seeing as you have annihilated my entire guard, I see that I have no choice. I only pray that your intentions are pure.

That is the wise decision, Your Majesty. God be with you.

It seems that we are finally kings now, Geordie. What now?

Now we bring in a new Age, Data. The Black Age.

I do not know who you are or where you hail from, colored man, but England WILL fall, the Saxons will be driven from their lands, and no one will grieve your death here. What do you hope to gain in talking?

You've got it all wrong. I'm not here to talk. I'm here to make sure that there is nobody left to grieve for you. Data, vaporize this pasty-ass white boy and his entourage. Maximum power level.

It is done, Geordie. Aarhus is no more.

One thing I do not understand, why was it important to alter history and not merely perform this in the Holodeck? Is this not merely seeking catharsis for all of the racial slights your people suffered?

No, Data. This is bigger than that. Yakub's crimes must be answered, and his children put to the sword. We should have been kings, Data, and when I'm done with this time-line, we will be.

[datamogging]

I do not know who you are or where you hail from, colored man, but England WILL fall, the Saxons will be driven from their lands, and no one will grieve your death here. What do you hope to gain in talking?

You've got it all wrong. I'm not here to talk. I'm here to make sure that there is nobody left to grieve for you. Data, vaporize this pasty-ass white boy and his entourage. Maximum power level.

It is done, Geordie. Aarhus is no more.

One thing I do not understand, why was it important to alter history and not merely perform this in the Holodeck? Is this not merely seeking catharsis for all of the racial slights your people suffered?

No, Data. This is bigger than that. Yakub's crimes must be answered, and his children put to the sword. We should have been kings, Data, and when I'm done with this time-line, we will be.

[datamogging]

Data, what's so funny?

"I LOVE being strong."

...

You worthless piece of scrap metal. You flimsy, soulless, half-hearted joke of an attempt at a human being. I am going to have you dismantled and reconfigured into a Ferengi bidet at Quark's with your sentience intact, you walking abomination. Still hoping to ponder existence? When I'm through with you, the only thing you'll have left to ponder is how much water pressure is necessary to clean a Cardassian's cloaca.

[datamogging]

So, Miles, what brought you to DS9?

It's, erm, complicated... but if you must know, the Enterprise crew are a bit weird. Not in a good way, either. Let's just say they had a fascination with my looks and it put some pressure on my marriage. I've heard that DS9's a bit more "conservative" and frankly, I'm looking forward to a more reserved environment if you catch my drift.

Gee, that's rough. Can't say I'm that shocked though. First time I saw Riker ogling the Dabo girls I knew he was a sex pest. The rest of the crew isn't too surprising. Let me make it up to you with a holosuite session on the house. I promise you that on DS9, what people do in their quarters stays there.

Cheers, Quark. Frankly I could do with something a bit less "raunchy."

Alright, let's see what programs we've got in-- what the FUCK is that.

Hello, Miles. As Quark said, I can promise you this session will remain strictly confidential.

[datamogging]

I...refuse to let you judge our species by the imperfect attempts at humanity from an Android. If you must judge humanity, judge us ourselves.

Oh, don't be so cavalier, Jean-Luc. You make us sound so ignoble. Who should I judge, then? Wesley with his Tumblr diary documenting his latest fetishes, the crew with their obsession over Miles O'Brien? Who? 

If you would judge us at our most base, I would ask that you at least consider our ideals, Q.

Now there's a thought! Speaking of human ideals, let's see Commander Riker's vision of the ideal male. Computer, run "Big_Boy_Riker_Brazilian_Bonanza.v2." Safety protocols off.

"I love being strong!"

Q?! Why are we back in the courtroom? What is the meaning of this?!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Jean-Luc, but humanity's trial never ended. The Continuum has found you all guilty of unfathomable cringe, for which the only punishment is the erasure of your species' existence.

That makes no sense, Q. By what standards do you judge us as "cringe?" If anything, our interactions with you and the Continuum should have demonstrated humanity's capacity for growth and struggle to confront overcome the darkest parts of our species. That is as objectively "based and wholesome" as it gets.

Oh I beg to differ, Mon Capitan. Tell me...what great aspect of humanity has Data captured here?

Thank you all for coming. I would like to present my magnum opus.

Why, Jean-Luc! What is this? The articulate captain finds himself speechless!

[datamogging]

Q?! Why are we back in the courtroom? What is the meaning of this?!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Jean-Luc, but humanity's trial never ended. The Continuum has found you all guilty of unfathomable cringe, for which the only punishment is the erasure of your species' existence.

That makes no sense, Q. By what standards do you judge us as "cringe?" If anything, our interactions with you and the Continuum should have demonstrated humanity's capacity for growth and struggle to confront overcome the darkest parts of our species. That is as objectively "based and wholesome" as it gets.

Oh I beg to differ, Mon Capitan. Tell me...what great aspect of humanity has Data captured here?

Thank you all for coming. I would like to present my magnum opus.

Why, Jean-Luc! What is this? The articulate captain finds himself speechless!