decaffeinateddeath

[decaffeinateddeath]

Will we ever learn to love ourselves beyond our comfort zones?

[decaffeinateddeath]

I have been abused physically, sexually, and mentally. I attempted to end my own life 12 years ago. Every day I fight depression and anxiety and I fall asleep exhausted. But I’ll be damned if I won’t wake up tomorrow and keep fighting, even if only to make it through another day. If you���re going through the same thing, know that I am with you. We’re in this together.

[decaffeinateddeath]

I grew up thinking that love was a porno. I didn’t know anything else aside from the “affection” of family members and whatever was left in the VCR. It took a lot of heartbreak (on both sides) for me to realize love isn’t anything like that. I’m still healing and I don’t know if I’ll ever be fully “normal” when it comes to relationships, but I’m trying. Just please lend me a little patience, because I need a lot of it.

[decaffeinateddeath]

I wonder if the people who put me down have ever had someone to lift them up.

[decaffeinateddeath]

I’ve come to the understanding that I’m mentally unstable and need help. It took a decade to realize, and it’s not an easy pill to swallow, but I’ve accepted that truth. Now I have to learn to accept myself.

[decaffeinateddeath]

It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. Just remember that feeling is yours.

[decaffeinateddeath]

“And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad.”

— Stephen Chbosky / The Perks of Being a Wallflower

[decaffeinateddeath]

I don’t think you realize how much you mean to me.

The way you remind me its okay to be anxious and sad has saved my life more than once—you’ll never even know it, because I’m usually too anxious for you to see just how deep the anxiety and depression go.

The way you toss and turn at night has snapped me back to reality more times than I can count, when the voices became too loud for my sanity to shout over. You’ve pulled me back from the brink of psychotic break more than anyone could ever understand—you’ll never even know about it, because I’m too afraid for you to see just how dark my nights can be.

The way you take care of things at home and do all of our shopping gives me the freedom to remember there’s more to life than working from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep—you’ll never know about it because I’d rather you think I don’t do enough than realize that I’m literally doing all that I can.

The way you take time for yourself to be alone and do nothing reminds me that I need to take care of myself as well—you’ll never know about it because I’m too busy trying to do more.

The way you get angry and tell me you think I don’t care tells me that I’m spending too much time just trying to hold myself together and not enough time falling apart—you’ll never know about because I’m terrified, even after all theee years, of you seeing what’s inside.

The way you say you’re tired of me breaks my heart, but you’ll never know about it because I’m simply too tired.

[decaffeinateddeath]

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 6 years old. Now, mind you, this was the mid 90s, and this particular diagnosis was all the rage in the behavioral health community. Countless people ended up being misdiagnosed who ended up developing problems later on due to being kept on stimulants for a long time when they weren’t needed. Then, of course, there were those that genuinely needed them. Which category I was in, I’m genuinely not sure (but At This Point It Doesn’t Even Matter).

I had a lot of behavioral problems as a kid. Of course as a kid you don’t know you have these problems and you just wonder why everyone seems to have a problem with you. Whether being on Ritalin was really needed for these problems, I’m not sure (especially when in hindsight they could have been attributed to instability at home and poor parenting on both sides of the divorce [that generally involved being used as a tool by one parent to gain revenge against the other]). The more these behaviors persisted at home and at school, the more the doctors continued to gradually increase dosage. By the time I entered high school, I was taking so much the doctors legally couldn’t give me any more.

Enter 16 Year Old Thoughts. A decade of being on methylphenidate. I had gone from about half a milligram to 54 (about a 100x increase over time). The medication wasn’t doing anything for me (Or So I Thought), so I quit cold turkey.

Now, apparently this is What Not To Do, because withdrawal is one cruel bitch. At the time I didn’t know why I was so depressed. Hell, even for years after I thought it was completely due to external factors. Now I can see that it was primarily withdrawal, and the external factors were really just the icing on the cake.

Fast forward more than a decade from there and, despite graduating college with a grad school worthy GPA and two degrees, I still struggle hard af to focus on anything, even things that genuinely interest me. I kept thinking it was depression (and in part, that’s true; long term methylphenidate dependence during childhood and adolescence can lead to long term difficulty for your brain to manufacture a normal level of seratonin and neuropinepherine). Recently, I decided Enough Is Enough and I’m Gonna Get Help (TM). So I marched myself into a psychiatrists office and told him I wanted to try concerta again, and then proceeded to get started with a therapist.

Well, as it turns out concerta doesn’t really help me focus. It just makes me super anxious, ticky, irritable, and holy fuck dehydrated. So I’ve stopped that just about as quickly as I started it. I was getting ready to try a nonstimulant but then I lost my job and my insurance (because I can’t focus for shit). Now I’m just waiting until I can find something else for insurance benefits because I still want help, but that help is a luxury I can’t afford.

There isn’t really a point to this post. I’m 29 and still struggling on a daily basis to Pull My Shit Together and Just Act Like A Normal Person. And knowing that the help I need is accessible but financially out of reach just adds insult to an injured existence.

[decaffeinateddeath]

Being in love is an unfortunately fortunate predicament. Fortunate because you’re lucky. Unfortunate because you’re stuck.

[decaffeinateddeath]

“Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”

— Pablo Picasso (via quotemadness)

[decaffeinateddeath]

“You don’t know distance until you’ve shared your bed with someone who’s falling out of love with you.”

— Beau Taplin (via extramadness)

[decaffeinateddeath]

“I felt a tremendous distance between myself and everything real.”

— Hunter S. Thompson (via quotemadness)

[decaffeinateddeath]

The difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone is your willingness to stretch yourself.

[decaffeinateddeath]

It’s an unfortunately fortunate fact. How you’re still with me I don’t know, but I wouldn’t blame you for a second if you woke up one day with a changed mind.

I kinda like you

More than I originally had planned

-hxpelesslx

[decaffeinateddeath]

I hate those tweets talking about how amaz*n is out of “podcast mics” and “no mater how bad things get please don’t start a podcast” like I know it’s not that deep but those tweets? not creating anything. humor based in telling people to not be creative.

I’m begging everyone to launch a podcast. something HAS to stick if enough ppl try. the magnus archives is ending and if I don’t come out of this mess without something to replace it then what was the point

[decaffeinateddeath]

This just hit me way harder than it should have, for reasons I don’t have the energy to explain.

When you lose a parent, you lose all the memories they had of you as a child