deepestblue

[deepestblue]

We need to find a way to stay alive. And it can't be her. — Hélène Cixous; Stigmata, sevdaliza; shahmaran.

[deepestblue]

“I’ve hoarded your name in my mouth for months. My throat is a beehive pitched in the river. Look! Look how long this love can hold its breath.”

— Sierra DeMulder, from “Your Love Finds Its Way Back” in Today Means Amen (via pigmenting)

[deepestblue]

tbh I can't imagine what the yellowjackets' parents felt

you send your child, your pride, to compete in nationals, but they never make it. your child is lost. the nationals come and go, so does summer, and now it's autumn. your child is lost and is probably dead, but you pray to whoever listens for them to please, please, still be alive.

then winter comes. your child is probably in the mountains. you hope that they don't freeze to death. that they have enough food. that they make it through with the support of their teammates.

winter goes and it's spring again. the anniversary of you losing them is upon you. people are giving up, you know they are, they say that your child can't be alive, not after a year. they bring up the andes crash. you refuse to bury an empty coffin.

as spring rolls into summer and then into autumn, slowly going into winter you cling desperately onto hope. whatever remains of it, anyway.

you awake some January day to the news of the yellowjackets being found. you hear one of your child's teammates name, the one who made the saving call.

and when the yellowjackets arrive home, your child is not there. nine return. how many left? what happened to them? you cry and you're angry, why did they get to come home? why not your child? why? what did they do?

and when you ask the parents of the survivors, you start to hope that your child died quickly. you hear tales of starvation and gore and cold. the survivors cry and vomit. they panic at the mentions of possibly looking for remains of those who didn't come back.

the media spread rumors. you turn away from the other parents. from the children. you are plagued with one thought. what if? what if your child was eaten? you never receive an answer.

[deepestblue]

Ayo Edebiri as Sydney Adamu The Bear, Season 4 (2025) costume design by Courtney Wheeler

[deepestblue]

Syd & Carmy sharing a cigarette The Bear— "Goodbye" (4.10)

[deepestblue]

Your girlfriend and I broke up

[deepestblue]

"The Matthews moved into the penthouse in, oh, '78, '79? Lottie lived here till the divorce. After that, she went off to Jersey with her mama. Mr. Matthews lived in the penthouse ever since. A real Wall Street titan in his time."

This Lottie lore drop from Cliff the doorman in 3x5 makes me go absolutely feral. It runs contrary to popular fanon, but I personally think that's a good thing, because it adds a much more intriguing dimension to Lottie's backstory.

Lottie didn't grow up with the team since kindergarten, she lived in New York City at least until she was 10 (when the near car accident happened) or older, and she endured the whole new kid experience at school.

Malcolm Matthews isn't the local bigwig well-known around Wiskayok, he's a yuppie finance hotshot living in the city and probably never bothered to set foot in town because tossing money at his kid and her soccer team is parental contribution enough.

Emilia Matthews isn't a trophy wife extension of her husband, she has her own opinions that were strong enough to lead to divorce and primary custody of their kid, and she may very well be a working professional in her own right.

I'm excited the show fed us some complex Matthews family dynamics, and I'd love to see it considered more often in analysis and fic and headcanons, because there's so much to sink your teeth into!

[deepestblue]

AYO EDEBIRI as SYDNEY ADAMU 4.04: Worms 

[deepestblue]

i'm starting to feel very serious about this

[deepestblue]

And of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she does not walk into his.

[deepestblue]

It's incredible, really, how wanting to know what happened in the past can be an even stronger hook in a story than wanting to know what happens next. The urge to understand why things are the way they are, even knowing that it can't be changed, is so powerful

[deepestblue]

well have you considered that maybe the unstoppable force is in love with the immovable object

[deepestblue]

re-reading my unfinished fic is both parts delight and pain....I wonder if the author will ever finish this...i am said author!!

[deepestblue]

taissa turner season 2 fashion

(season 1)

[deepestblue]

girl on girl violence (sexual)

[deepestblue]

If there is no romantic sydcarmy I at least need her to kill him