defnotj25

[defnotj25]

Therapy

Writing this so you are aware

Even far call or text I will be there

Teleport I should could would but isn’t possible

Export support the best ways make you feel understood understand im accesible

Reach out please don’t hesitate

I’m available like 25/8

Would make more time in a year

Just so that I can appear

More for you

You know I’d do it for you

Can’t help but to adore you

I stay by your side when you breakdown

I stop your car when the breaks down

You asked will you be there for me

I’ll be your motherfucking therapy

Yes your therapy

I’m there for you are you there for me?

I got my shit too

Your shit got my problems times two

But you know I got to push them aside

You know you come first and besides

I’ll do what I always do be by my own side

Now back to your side, ignore my shit that’s suicide

Well you don’t even bother to care

Say you do but you don’t that ain’t fair

Frankly I’m like your secret affair

Feeling like a fairytale your love tells a tall tale

I’m your iv but obviously I’m bleeding out

Don’t you care I’m bleeding out

Doubt you’ll be at ER

Texting to say the bleeding is severe sincerely wishing you were here

Hey business as usual

Aww you need me isn’t that beautiful

Thinking I might be loosing you, thinking I’m delusional but

I’ll be your motherfucking therapy

Yes your therapy

I’m there for you are you there for me?

Oh the irony apparently you ain’t there for me

Fuck you I need myself

Why can’t I just love myself

Why can’t I just help myself

Why can’t I just do all this for myself

Why do I put my issues on a shelf

Why do I put you before myself

Why do I fucking hate myself

Why do I let you fuck me over

Why can’t I let this shit be over

Why ask though

I need you sorry for cussing hoe

Please book again

You said you’ll call around ten

Just next time pretend

You actually care just for ten

Either way I’ll go back to my job around ten, see you then

[defnotj25]

Sober

I had a dream on sum MLK shit last night we was at the Florida keys

And you was driving flooring it to Denny’s

We just came from seeing Chucky cheese at Disney’s

We paid for a happy meal in penny’s yes at Dennys

Hotboxed the bathroom at Wendy’s…or Waffle House

Then ran over to the beach it was so sandy

You changed into a bikini drinking martinis out of a Grammy

Then five pirates pull-up poppin percs perked outta the palm trees with two poles each

This type shit only happens at a Jersey beach

Fuck i knew we should’ve went to Applebees down the street

One was smoking bubbles out of a seashell

Another had a bonnet on cuz that hairline was straight out of hell I could tell

2012 LeBron James

The other had picture frame of white Diddy party…doing things

Don’t wanna explain

One had a bible open to Psalms 23

Talkin bout we all finna be free and the lord is our shepherd

Nigga had on a poke a dot leather jacket

Ain’t that stranger things? gotta be blasphemy

Ain’t stop the niggas from blasting me

Tragically one had your face too

She’s the one who pulled the gun hope that wasn’t you

She swished cheesed us both please, nuke had a switch on it

By the way I’ve never been to Denny’s before

And I’ve been rolling on this floor since bout four

And you never had your license this hangover hitting like Tyson

I’m convinced you don’t fuck with me

This shits like a chore and I can’t do this anymore

If you can’t tell this a walking metaphor

How you treat me like a groupie whore while you on tour

Do a variety of drugs to escape it

Travel to a variety of places to not face it I hate it

Sobriety delivers the reality

That I don’t wanna see

So I just pour more Hennessy

Pretend that you love and see me

Head down to Tennessee to Taylor Swift

Wait fuck that bitch, shift to Chi Town see Kanye West

Like the old Kanye I always gave you the best Wake up Mr West

No that’ll make me sober

Don’t wanna hangover reminding me the parties over

Don’t wanna be sober

Would do ecstasy if that means your texting me

Do cocaine if I could have permanent place in your brain

Or acid this shit is ass

Turn me into a addict real fucking fast

All I ask is for a piece of your soul

Just 0.08% I don’t have much more weed to roll

Don’t want it to be over

Don’t wanna be

Sober

[defnotj25]

Whatever

Ima just ponder that I’m better in another universe

Ima just think about it not text about it and write this verse

Ima just take responsibility respectfully I’m the fucking worse

Ima just pray about it God can fix this curse

Ima do some self reflection

Some self improvement

Ima just hope this leads in one direction

Ima just pray this leads to forward movement

Ima just walk it out

Ima just talk it out

Ima just thug it out

Ima just shut my mouth

That’ll surely end air pollution

Is that a good solution

Is that enough for you

Anything for you

I really need you

And as you can see I learned my lesson or lessons

It’s my fault and these are my confessions

Swear I stopped stressing

Can I get your blessing

Cuz I’m down for whatever

I’m down any weather

I’m down I can make this better

Im down for wherever with whoever and however you want

When I look up your never there

Bitch you got a cheat code this shit ain’t fair

I try my best and give you more than anyone else

Yet I come back late nights just with less of myself

It’s like I’m some kind of Ken doll on your one or your broken shelves

And now I’m just a shell wondering if this is hell

But when you hit me up I’m there tho

You know I ain’t a scared hoe

Cuz I’m down for whatever

I’m down any weather

I’m down I can make this better

Im down for wherever with whoever and however you want

Oh you got options now

You on some op shit now

I just wonder how they treat you better than I do

They won’t even stand by you

Swear they right there but they by the bayou

It’s like I don’t exist anymore

It’s like ima resident in Baltimore

And you don’t call no more

Except when it’s about your lore

Like I’m your lord and savior

Can you do me one favor

Am I alive to you

Do I even exist

Do I even matter

Will you give an answer

Stop moving you ain’t a dancer and I hate dance

But you never gave me the chance to even say that

You treat me like whatever

You treat me like bad weather

I know I can make this better

Cuz I’m always down for whatever we whoever and however you want it

I fear it’s one sided

I know this story’s ending is decided

I just get too excited when I’m invited back

Do whatever to get back

Should do whatever to stay back

Its a fucking fact clear you don’t want it

I just don’t wanna confront it

So I guess it’s whatever

Treat me like I’m whatever

Do I even exist?

[defnotj25]

Too Much

I overthink too much!

Wait fuck I don’t like that line rewrite it

I overthink a lot

Mind can’t seem to stop

Spiral outta control till I drop sleep

Then restart the cycle to keep repeating

How can a nigga that weigh to little

Carry so much emotional baggage, it tends to cripple

Oh my, FYI I hate that line, overthink I’ll change it another time

I over share too much

Right now I’m saying too much

Probably over bear too much

I know it ain’t fair, but at least I’m conveying switch it up

My emotions are too much

Like the large waves in the oceans

Or a nuclear explosion

Like a roller coaster with highs and lows

Don’t fuck with going with flow

And at the end I feel broken and slow

But I hold it in too much

I was told just to man up

And of course that was toxic but it’s hard when the toxin is in

I use to cry too much

Now I don’t cry enough

Nor do I feel enough

Tell me am I being real? It’s tough

I don’t love me enough

That’s why I let others walk over me

Talk over me, take from me, let your toxic love smother me

Yet I don’t leave

I run back too much

I’m probably attached to much

Then I’m detached too much

I’m starting to think it’s a kink, is that too much?

I probably love you too much

Blowing up your phone

While you’re in your zone

Thinking I should leave you alone

That’s why you don’t respond I should’ve known

I depend on others too much

Send friends reels too much

Gotta be so just for real for once

I fear rejection too much

I want a connection too much

And I probably force it too much

Little faith in letting things run its course

I deflect too much

And probably project too much

And I neglect the ones I love too much

I’m trying to be direct, is it too much?

Too much overthinking, too overbearing, I’m over sharing

Too much self hate and victimization

Could explain it started at eight but too much information

Too much love too dependent

Should’ve been more independent but that fueled too much resentment

Too fearful too neglectful

Fuck you J yes I’m being disrespectful

Like a Gemini two twins and so much motion

Or a Cancer with weak skin and heavy emotions

I feel I’m too much

[defnotj25]

Looking Back

Looking back I think about all the red flags I missed

Perhaps my prescription was wrong and I’m blind

How much time I simply pissed

Away on you, lord I was far to kind

Looking back I see that smile

One that simultaneously kept me in denial

About your bitchcraft

I sat back and laughed

Looking back I was the one who gave the biggest fuck

Yet you, being the fake snake you are, hit me with an 18 wheeler type truck

Looking back, I should’ve just let the party die

I don’t know why I applied more energy in July

Looking back I should’ve known better

Listened to that voice that said if she leaves let her

Looking back I knew I should’ve kept you blocked

Because nigga lie to you not that time you put your hands on me you should’ve been shot

Yeah thought I forgot…nah never do

Just wishing for a better version of you

Temporarily I don’t get therapy so I hold on to shit longer than needed like an Israeli government

Looking back I missed the fond memories

I reminisced when you and I exchanged energies that lighted our worlds

Looking forward im not a fan of looking back

Leave the door open I been had my shit pack

So goodbye to the pics, FaceTime calls to six, and anything that depicts you

Looking back I should’ve said fuck you

Looking back I realize how much energy I should’ve conserved

I realize how much better I truly deserved

[defnotj25]

Still Here

Hey, you know I’m still here 

You know I always keep my phone charged and two feet near

And my notifications clear just in case you decide to reappear

I swear I’m so sincere, babes I’m still here 

I’m still here in the same place where you left me 

Looking for you to come back but you know I can’t see 

That’s why I have glasses but the time passes hours on delivered 

I wanna be delivered to Jesus not to your dms 

Have me asking god why do I send something in the am and don’t respond to the pm 

Using basic rhymes for your basic reply’s 

You were once filled with water when did you become so dry

Well that implies, you’re still here, are you?

I’m still here waiting for you 

Patiently but it seems from my point of view you withdrew 

Been occasionally waiting for you to send a reel that’s real 

A TikTok but the time keeps running TikTok, had me waiting since 5 o’clock

Those 3-5 hour calls we use to brag about 

But in these walls of silence and floors of concrete I doubt another will sprout 

Keep our Snapchat streak alive 

But that’s before you had me on delivered until 5

And I’m petty cuz I’ll give it 5…seconds until I text back 

You know I text back, quick, zap 

Just wonder why my 5-15 seconds of silence while reading turns into you 5-15 hours of leaving maybe I’m tweaking

Girl what happens to that bestie shit cuz this is just some messy fucked up shit 

And I know this poem maybe petty shit but this cycle makes me feel like…well…shit

Wondering maybe if I’m annoying or I’m the drama 

Had me asking my besties and my damn mama 

Have me wondering what the fuck goin on 

Leaving me on delivered like we in different time zones 

But babes I’m grown, I understand you’re probably busy 

It makes me dizzy, though I’m mature shit ain’t Disney 

I’m probably spiraling due to past trauma, anxiety, and abandonment 

Cuz there’s a variety of things requiring your attention 

Sorry for causing tension, need an intervention and some emotional management

So yes I’m still here

But just like your location I fear you’re not near here 

I fear that you’re trying to steer clear 

But venture out and do you I just hope I’m a priority, some place on that list 

Maybe it matters sometimes to just simply exist

So when you’re done being busy or wanna be social, or wanna respond, relight the bond, you pick which one, just know I’m 

Still here 

Are you still here?