defythesilence

[defythesilence]

Rape experiences can differ from person to person and the way one reacts to the rape may also be just as different.

Similarly, everyone experiences headaches differently. Not all headaches are the same. There are many different types of headaches. There are also many different treatments for headaches. Some times headaches can be debilitating while others are a dull pain.

Some people have bad solutions for a headache. For example, a hangover headache. It's still a headache regardless of how it was acquired. It's not the best idea to treat a hangover with more alcohol. Caffeine headaches are another example. You fight a caffeine headache with more caffeine. It isn't the healthiest way, but it works for a short period of time. I can fix my here and now feeling with a short term solution that will leave me with the same problem down the road, unless I get to the root of the problem and treat the cause not the symptoms.

The same can apply to rape. Sometimes people temporarily feel better when they respond to a rape by having sex more often and with different people. Some swear off sex completely. Neither is the healthiest way to cope.

Some survivors use sex, alcohol and drugs to help them cope with their assault. Some survivors need to talk about the assault, while others refuse to talk about the assault. Some survivors find that pretending it didn’t happen or pretending you were okay with it some how makes it okay. Eventually though, as a survivor, you come to terms with the fact that you can’t change what happened by making it sound okay. You can’t change what happened by ignoring the hurt and pain. You can’t make your assailant seem like a good person to stay in your fantasy that the rape never occurred. No amount of delusional thinking that your rapist cares makes them start to care. 

I personally struggled between what I felt and what I was told is right or wrong. I felt anger and resentment. I felt scared and alone. I felt like I’d been robbed. I didn't feel forgiveness. I didn't feel love. However those were the principles I was taught. I was taught that forgiveness is always possible. Forgiveness is the solution to healing.   I was taught that the power of positive thinking is supposed to make all the difference. If you don’t claim it, it didn’t happen. Good ole Joel Osteen. So I didn’t claim it. I didn’t even admit to myself what happened even though deep down I knew. If I just pretended like I made the judgement call instead of having it made for me, that maybe it would be okay. Maybe if I pretended it didn’t bother me, it wouldn’t. I knew people who had forgiven their assailant. I knew that was the right thing to do. I felt so guilty for not being able to say "it's okay I forgive you", that I “faked it until I made it”. I was taught to put yourself in others shoes so I actually tried it, thinking it might help. I tried to let sex be meaningless to me because maybe then, what happened would be no big deal and I could over look it. I didn’t want it to get to me, but it did. It ate me up inside. I still can’t even believe that I resorted to having sex with my rapist who I had originally invited to hang out the night of the assault. I thought if I went to his house this time instead of him coming to mine, it might make a difference. Maybe if I was the one calling the shots this time, I could keep pretending what he did was a misunderstanding. It didn't change anything. I couldn’t go to my rapist and say “I’m disappointed in you I thought you were better than that”, and expect him to say “I am, give me another chance” and actually mean it. I can’t make someone feel how I felt. I couldn’t explain to him how I felt and expect him to understand. I was foolish to think that somehow, the golden rule applied here. 

I was so focused on how to make what happened go away that I never focused on dealing with what actually happened. The fact is, I made some stupid mistakes in an attempt to feel better. Most of my choices that first year were not logical. I slept with guys I could care less about. I slept with guys that had hurt me in the past and I even slept with the guy who raped me. No amount of logic can scrub that clean. 

At the time this happened, from the moment I woke up that Sunday morning, I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t remember what happened between me falling on the floor and me waking up next to Ben. To this day I do not remember. I made an educated guess by the facts I did have and the fact that apparently, there was video proof.  I knew they did me wrong, but I wasn't sure if what they did to me was considered a crime or not, at least not at the time. See now I know that what they did is a crime.  I now know that inviting someone to your house doesn't grant them permission to have sex with you. I now know that choosing to drink alcohol with someone does not wave consent. 

The only road to healing, is to let your wounds heal.  

[defythesilence]

Recently I received a lot of slut shaming and victim blaming from some girls from my home town. I'd like to address a few in this entry. I will address others later.

There are many different blogs, videos, articles and photos proclaiming freedom from rape culture. I'm not the first to say that slut shaming leads to victim blaming.

Victim blaming only works in the assailants favor. Victim blaming doesn't deter girls from falsely reporting rape. It has however stopped girls from coming forward and reporting their rape.

I have also heard a rumor that I slept around with guys before my rape. Please understand, your past sexual encounters do not make it okay for someone to rape you. Just because you sleep with several people, doesn't mean you are asking for it. This notion that "sluts", "whores", strippers & top less dancers are asking for it or that it's okay to take advantage of them; rape is rape! You don't have a free pass to anyone. You don't get consent or the victim can't legally give consent, you have committed rape. I don't care who you are, what degree you have, what job you have, how much money you have or how popular you are, you rape someone you should be punished the same. The notion that guys of influence or wealth deserve a break or a lesser sentence than a regular blue collar guy, is absurd. None of that should come into play when convicting someone. Their job, their race, their religion, their heritage, their sexual orientation, their sex; none of that should be a consideration when deciding if rape is rape.

Something else mentioned is my family background. The way I was raised and what I believe and how I acted before or after my rape has nothing to do with the fact that Ben and Brandon raped me. It wouldn't matter who the victim is, rape is rape. My background does paint a picture of how it was for me. It paints the picture that it can happen to anyone, even the most devout of Christians or even the most sheltered girls... However you want to see it, I am telling my story from my viewpoint. I am explaining how I felt. I do like to point out that my feelings and my experience is not out of the ordinary for victims. I'm not doing this to provide comfort to rapists. I'm doing this to provide comfort to the survivors.

So in short, rape is rape. It could happen to anyone and unfortunately anyone is capable of doing it.

Be educated. Be informed.

[defythesilence]

Preach it!

[defythesilence]

Wow, this is all great stuff. We forget that people use these techniques on us to wear us down until we say yes because they won't take no for an answer. I think this is a great tool to raise awareness and help people say no and mean it. That was one of my biggest struggles after having been raped. I felt like no was worthless. I cannot tell you how many times I had sex with someone for one of these reasons only ... Because I thought I owed it to them for helping me fix my flat. Or maybe he took me out to a very nice dinner and flashed the price at me, I had to sleep with him after that expensive of a meal. And the begging? Oh my, this stuff has to come to an end!

Part of the photos taken at New College’s Project Unbreakable photo shoot, as a part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. 

Photos were taken by Taylor Meredith.

[defythesilence]

We often forget our rape does not just effect us but those we love like our parents, our children, especially our spouses.

Focus on your healing because when you are well they can deal with it a little easier. Let your spouse, or other family members know that it's okay for them to need someone else to talk about this to. Let them know it's okay if they too see a counselor. Your road is already difficult enough, don't make it more difficult by having to worry about the ones who love you who are also having a hard time dealing with it. You want them to be healthy and well to help you get there. You also do not need to shoulder the guilt of them having to live with this.

One of the biggest reasons I didn't tell anybody right after I was raped is because it hurt me to think about my parents having to deal with this. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want them to hurt like I was. I am sure I am not alone when I say, I would rather take the pain upon myself instead of watch my loved one experience that pain. I would say most of you would agree, if you've been the one who stands by the side of a survivor, it hurts. It hurts because you can't take the pain away from them. It hurts because you feel powerless in protecting them and helping them.

I would rather deal with my rape silently than see the look on my parents face or in my brother's face when they find out.

For those of you who are watching a survivor go through this long process, you need to know you are not alone. There are resources for friends and family of survivors. This is a touchy subject because focusing too much on you and not enough on the survivor isn't good. You do need to be selfless in the process and patient with them. They do need you to be strong.

Most of us survivors do understand that it's hard for our loved ones. Most of us survivors would completely understand if you needed outside help as well.

Coming from a survivor, one major thing we need to know is that you don't regret us ever telling you. We need to know you appreciate the honesty and you want to help us through this process. As a survivor, we often times think about the rape and our feelings way more than what you could handle listening to. We sometimes just need to take a minute to cry and we don't want to feel guilty for doing so. There is no time restraint on when we get over it or forget about it. We sometimes want a distraction to help take our minds off of it. Sometimes the distractions just don't work.

I could go on and on about what it's like but I think the most universal way to put things into perspective is death. I'm not saying one is just like the other, because it's not. But the grieving process is very similar. We as survivors often times feel that something inside of us died the moment we were sexually assaulted. There are so many different things that happen, it's impossible to describe them all accurately. But I can speak from personal experience. I have lost loved ones and I have been raped and I have lost extremely special relationships as well. Similarly to a death are the 5 steps of grieving. We as survivors often times to through these same steps or emotions and perhaps other more complex issues such as PTSD, sexual dysfunction, withdraw and promiscuity to name a few. They don't come in order and they don't all manifest the same.

Some last longer than others and some repeat themselves. We don't always react in a way that is best for our wellbeing. We don't always make sense.

The important thing for us all to remember is we need each other. As survivors we need our friends and family. As friends and family we need some additional support because it's not easy and there is no manual. As victims, we need professionals. We need other survivors that we can connect with. Our loved ones also need professional help sometimes and they often need the community of other loved ones too. As survivors we need to know that no one knows the perfect thing to do and we have to also be patient with those around us.

Also, as a victim/survivor you should know that you don't have to take on the weight of how your personal nightmare is going to affect your loved ones. It's an unnecessary burden that may be the very thing standing in your way of healing. I know it was for me, and one thing I've learned is I'm not alone.

[defythesilence]

A little about me and why I decided to come forward

I've mentioned a few times who I am and where I come from while blogging but I'd like to take this time to introduce myself for 2 reasons.

1. I want to help others and hopefully by giving you a way to contact me, I allow you to ask questions and gain clarity.

2. I want people to know who I'm talking about without giving up their identity because that would be unfair to them. But there are things I am allowed to tell you because it's public information.

My name is Hannah and I'm from a small town called Maypearl which is by Waxahachie Texas. I graduated high school from Maypearl in 2006 and went off to Abilene Christian University for college. I was there for 3 semesters before having some health issues in which I had to withdraw from college. I moved back to Maypearl with my family. I had plans to go back to college the following semester near home. I found some part time jobs to help my income and possibly give my family some space. I moved into a rent house in March 2008 in Waxahachie while working for a realtor in the area. I was going to Navarro college at the time and was very happy. When I moved into this rent house I was able to bring a roommate with me and had chosen a friend I graduated high school with. Everything seemed to be smooth sailing. The rent house was still kind of new to us and we didn't have internet or TV yet, and it got a little boring around the house. My roommate had been seeing this one guy and he was there at the house frequently. I found myself begging for something to do.. My roommate who I've previously referred to as Evie* suggested we invite some people from our graduating class to come over. She was able to get ahold of Brandon and he was able to come. The rest is all written below in the beginning stages of my blog.

After the assault I moved back in with my parents and Evie* was able to finish out the month of March in the rent house. I failed most of my classes that semester. I struggled with college classes from there on out. I was not a student of a large university at the time of my assault and my rapist didn't go to the same college as I did.

Ben went to several colleges like Texas Tech and University of Texas in Austin. According to my research he also attended SMU. Brandon was attending the University of North Texas in Denton. The week they were in Waxahachie, if I remember correctly, was the week of their spring break. Both of the boys parent's lived in Waxahachie at the time.

They each returned to their respective universities in March 2008 and their life went on as if nothing happened. I had kept their numbers in my phone after finding out they videoed this assault. Because I blamed myself and didn't want to get in trouble for drinking before I was 21, I didn't go to the police. The rest of the story played out like so and it all seemed to simmer to an end by 2009.

I was left with a lot of baggage to deal with and I tried to forget about them both. Life seemed to be improving when I was blindsided by my brother revealing to me his friends showed him the video Brandon and Ben recorded of my assault. Our relationship with each other never fully recovered after this.

When I tell you my life went off the tracks the night of the assault, I feel like it is an understatement.

I think back to that time in March and I fear that Ben or Brandon went off to their respective college campuses and perhaps did these things to other girls. I may never know. Their university's may never know what they did.

However as a society we have to realize that college students aren't all confined to a campus with their rules influencing their decisions.

Not every rapist that goes to college has a university that can punish them accordingly.

My rapist graduated college with good degrees and landed some good jobs.

They will now never have to pay for what they did. I can't bring my rapists to court now. I cannot call their boss and tell them about this. That infringes on their rights.

What I can do is I can open the door and let in the light so that others are not alone.

I'm not sure if Ben and Brandon continue to do things like this to people. I can't interfere with their lives to warn others around them. It's frowned upon if I tell their spouse, even if what I say can warn them against any future spousal rape or some type of domestic abuse.

It's okay for them to show others a video of them raping me but it is not okay if I use their last names in my testimony of what they did to me. The fact that they sent out a sex video using my name and giving out my number does not give me the right to post their phone numbers on my blog. I am limited to what I can share on my blog because I have to be mindful of how this might could effect them.

I have to respect their privacy, because in this country, raping someone does not waiver their right to privacy and I have to get their consent to use their full name in my blog.

[defythesilence]

The aftermath

The thing about these story's, they don't end at the assault. In a sense they never end. After doing some research and doing some soul searching... I have come to understand that a good bit of my "aftermath" is very common among survivors as a coping mechanism. Many sexual assault survivors end up going back to their abuser. Many survivors are revictimized by their abuser. Many survivors fall into new situations that end in yet another rape. Below is a screen shot with a small explanation of what I'm about to tell you about me. I can assure you that your reaction to rape does not negate or minimize what happened to you. My sexual assault, 2 guys blasting a video of them sexually assaulting me, does not change because of the things I did after the assault.

I feel more free now to share my story and be 100% honest with you. I went back to my rapist. My psyche was so messed up and I didn't understand what I was doing at the time.

I felt exposed and I felt dirty, I kept trying to forget it. These guys had taken turns on me with no concern for me. No one asked if it hurt or if I wanted it. I was scared. I wasn't sure if they'd used a condom or if they had diseases or if I was pregnant. If I was pregnant I would have to say I don't know who the father is! Humiliating!

Then after panicking about what could have happened I found out they recorded it and showed it off like it was a trophy they earned. I wasn't even sure what all was on there! I felt ruined and exposed all over again. I felt cheap, used and unwanted. I started getting unwanted messages from people I barely knew or didn't know at all. Guys started telling me they could treat me better and they would be better. My party invitations skyrocketed. I tried so hard to stay away from it. I moved back in with my parents. I felt defenseless. Even girls would say they can do better than that. Then I felt like I was sexually inferior. I felt like I was being challenged. I thought I didn't care and could just ignore all of it. But I couldn't and guys kept telling me they can treat me better, which sounded pretty attractive since I felt like no one would want me now. I tried to prove myself to other women, so they wouldn't see me as helpless and weak. But the guys didn't mean they would treat ME better, they meant they can do better in bed than Ben and Brandon. I fell for that twice... And after that failed, I felt even worse. I drank to forget. The hype went away and everyone else forgot, so I thought. The boys quit saying nice things to me. The party invites dried up. I got insecure and secretly missed the attention. Then I just started to do stuff to get back the attention. The compliments were nice and at the time it seemed like sex was required to get a guy's attention. Sex wasn't enjoyable it was a chore that you had to do to get attention. If a guy paid for dinner, he only did it to receive physical rewards. I became numb to sex. I had come to see my initial rape as something that happens all the time to girls and its the only way to get people to notice you. I was raised up to know that's not true, but my feelings of insecurity took over my rationale.

Eventually I let Ben and Brandon talk to me again. Ben didn't apologize, he didn't act like he wouldn't have done it if I wasn't drunk. He was a pig and was super sexual even for me. But Brandon got the better of me. He said he's sorry that he didn't mean to pass the video around. He told me he would make it up to me. He told me just us two. He said I was beautiful. And I bought it. I kept his number ready for if I ever needed it. He was already on the list of guys who have had sex with me so sleeping with him again wouldn't increase my # of guys I've had sex with, was my logic.

I remember being with a friend of mine, we'll call her Monica, and us talking about sex. Monica was not aware what had happened to me, and because I too had the need to believe I'm superior, sexually, than all those other girls, I made a bold statement. I told Monica that I could sleep with any boy I wanted and they would beg for me. I was cocky. I said watch this, and I texted Brandon because I knew he would say yes. I left my friend and told her I was going to get me some. Ya sounds funny sounding now.

I met up with him like a fool. In my mind I thought if I could screw him on my own terms, I would finally be able to move on, so I screwed him like he screwed me... I thought I was better than him this time because I beat him to the punch. To this day I do not recall the actual sex with Brandon that night. To this day, I couldn't tell you how I got back home, I assume by driving but cannot actually remember. I remember arriving at his house but after that, I must have gone numb because I do not remember a single thing after that.

After that, I realized I didn't want to have sex with him or any other of those guys. I didn't even like them, I just liked the attention. I had accomplished one thing, I knew how I felt now. I felt like I'd taken a huge step in the right direction. Until.... I found out I was pregnant. I miscarried about 2 months give or take after that. I'm not even ready for that whole story in detail, but I grew to hate his whole family because they blamed me, like I was the only one there. They shamed me even though their son is the one who started this vicious cycle back in March. I was so scared and worried and stressed, I couldn't even eat. After about a month of that, I miscarried.

After all that, I finally got the courage to get out of this hell hole known as my hometown.

When my aunt offered me a job 2 hours away from all this... I leaped at the opportunity. And I'm glad I did. That was probably the 1st good decision I had made in a long time. I felt better out there in the boondocks with them. I felt safer.

I was able to start healing, although it was a long road, I eventually started to get back the me I'd lost that Saturday night in March 2008.

I tell all of this because it's only fair. If you've heard about what they did to me, you should hear what I did to myself afterwards. I knew better, my parents taught me better... I just didn't utilize what I knew with what I felt.

It's normal though. It's normal to do all kinds of crazy irrational things in response to a traumatic event. I didn't realize it at the time but I had let the assault take over my life and define who I was. I abandoned reason and did what was easiest. I didn't get help after my assault. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't go to the police and I didn't reclaim my life and take back my control by turning them in. It took me so long to be able to tell someone what really happened. I wanted to protect everyone around me from my personal hell, so I dealt with it silently.

I need anyone reading this to know that you shouldn't wait for years and years until you speak up. You could save other girls by speaking up. You actually take back the control by reporting it, not by pretending it didn't happen. The longer you wait, the further hole you'll have dug yourself into. Getting some help and reporting what happened to you... Even if you second guess yourself. Even if you think the police can't do anything about it... Someone once told me, years later, sometimes justice doesn't look like an ideal prison sentence. Sometimes there is justice in just inconveniencing someone who did you wrong. So I don't know if the police would or could have done anything, but had I have gone to the police, I could of at the least made their life a little harder. Because we think we don't want to go to trial because we don't want to talk about it or effect us. We don't go to the police because it's a hard process especially right after having been raped. It seems like it's the hardest thing to do, but I've learned that you will have to work through what happened to you regardless of the police and courtrooms. That's how the rapists get away with it, because we think it's the harder path... To prosecute, but the more people that just keep it to themselves, the more guys that aren't afraid of getting caught and the more empowered and in control they feel. There has to be some sort of consequence... Even if it's not necessarily what fits the crime.

[defythesilence]

Wake up!

This entry has appeared before, however after reading several articles and blogs on Sexual Abuse I have decided to give it another shot, this time I’m taking out the victim blaming, because even as the victim, we tend to gravitate towards carrying the blame.

No more excuses. Nothing gives him the right to do what he did. Because any way you look at it, the facts are this:

HE brought liquor into MY house, knowing who I was, knowing we were both too young … he still brought it over. We weren’t even 21 at the time… so I question how he even got the liquor in the first place, but that’s beside the point. We were both underage, but he had me convinced that it was okay since we were in my own home. I believed him. I believed, like he said, a couple shots would be harmless. How was I supposed to know anyhow? I hadn’t ever drank liquor before, but he knew that. In fact, he may have even planned on my lack of experience to work towards his advantage.

The last thing I remember- after some shots, how many I’m unaware, I got up to go to the bathroom. I remember staggering down the hall and not even being able to make it to the bathroom when I fell down on the ground. I said something to the effect of “the room is spinning, I can’t get up”. This is a sign that you are too drunk to consent to sex, but not for him. After that, I must have blacked out. I stated I couldn’t get up and the room was spinning right in front of my roommates bedroom door. How he even thought that I was capable of consent baffles me to this day.  

I woke up, naked, with Ben, another guy from our high school, in my bed, also naked. I didn’t talk to Ben, and I sure as hell did not invite him over or let him inside my house. I was so shocked as to how this even happened. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. It’s not enough I could barely walk without pain, but to see I’m also bleeding…. that shocked me. My pelvic bones felt like they’d been crushed. It hurt to pee, to sit down, to walk. Didn’t matter what I did, it hurt. I sat in my bathroom for what seems like forever crying. I called one of my best friends who basically explained to me what probably happened. She told me I need to go to the police. All I could think was, how am I going to tell my parents? How was I going to tell them I had been drinking or even worse, I got drunk? Was I supposed to call up the cops and tell them I’m too young to be drinking but I did anyways? 

I pulled myself together long enough to realize it was still early enough that I could go to church on Sunday morning. I went into my bedroom, gathered up some clothes and got dressed quietly. I then woke Ben up and told him to leave- get out of my house.  

I drove to church. I got there a little late and so I sat in the sound booth with my dad. He’s the happiest person I’ve ever known and I couldn’t even think about ruining his Sunday. I just tried to shrug it all off and get happy.  

At church, the youth minister’s wife noticed I had marks on my neck, hickies. I couldn’t tell her I got drunk last night and someone had sex with me.  I couldn’t tell her anything close to the truth, but I couldn’t come up with anything either. I didn’t know what to say. The look on her face said it all. I couldn’t redeem myself if I tried at this point. It all started with, so I got drunk….  None of it ended well for me.

I felt sick over the whole ordeal. I couldn’t bring myself to even eat. I went to my chiropractor the next day. How do you tell your chiropractor your pelvis is out of wack because you got raped? Then they would HAVE to tell someone which would lead to me having to tell my parents. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t see the look on their face.

I can go on and on about all the thoughts in my head and all the tears I shed. But nothing can explain the horror I felt when I found out … whatever it was that DID happen that night, was videoed and sent to people we went to high school with. My family still lived there. My brothers went to school there. All I could think about is them finding out. I flipped out and told Brandon if he doesn’t delete it, I will go to the cops. It should have been my first clue that it scared him bad enough to rattle his cage. I SHOULD have gone to the cops instead of asking him to ditch the evidence. He said “okay I will delete it but don’t go to the cops, you promise?” Instead of saying yes, I should have turned those guys in. However, I didn’t. 

He wasn’t aware that, even though he deleted it from his phone, he’d already sent it to enough people that it would never go away. I was at the house I was renting for a week later after this happened, then I left. I left my friend high and dry for sure. I know the realtor took care of her, seeing as how I worked for him and he let me go after this incident. I actually felt bad for her that she got caught in the middle of this.

Brandon has no excuse for what he did. He raped me in my own home. He invited someone else to come rape me in my own home. He videoed it and showed it to people I know. He secured a permanent place in my life, a little hell hole. No one with a conscious would be okay with what these guys did. In no way can Brandon or Ben talk themselves out of this being THEIR FAULT. Ben is guilty too, but Brandon facilitated the whole thing! He took my worst nightmare and turned it into a side show for my whole town to see.

What he did cannot be undone. I can’t turn back the hands of time any more than he can and make it all turn out differently. 

I didn’t deserve this or set myself up for it. I didn’t encourage it or allow it to happen. I don’t deserve to be shamed for what he did. (further information given in aftermath entry) He got away with it for 10 years with no repercussions and I have suffered as a result of what he did. He deserves to be punished and so does his friend. 

I now have a chance to stand up to him and his friends and tell them what they did is wrong. It’s my turn to take back the power he took from me. I have the right to tell others what happened to me, whether it hurts their reputation or not. They sent out a video of them raping me! I am NOT going to feel guilty for writing this, sharing this, and pursuing it. I have a right to pursue justice. I have a right to warn other women. I have a right to do what I need to do to heal. And anything that happened after the rape doesn’t change the rape. If I reacted poorly to the situation, it doesn’t make it okay.

Ten years is a long time to hold onto something. I’ve never held onto anything so long either. But, I can’t erase the damage he’s done to not only me, but my family. Time doesn’t make it go away and unfortunately, time does not heal all wounds. I do however think that the darkness can overpower the light. Perhaps if I can hold the candle for others, they can come forward too. 

My goal is to help others come forward. I do want justice, but I want others to come forward too. I know these guys didn’t just do this once. I know there are other victims of theirs out there and I hope that in doing this, I can get justice for myself, and for others who have been raped. 

[defythesilence]

Reuniting

After realizing I couldn’t even emotionally handle going to my 10 year high-school reunion, I decided to do this, even though it has been exposing for me to talk about.

I got the Facebook invite for our tentative reunion and I looked over the invite list and there it was - Ben and Brandon. I kept an eye as everyone responded to the group. I really wanted to go and see how everyone has changed - see what everyone is up to, but then I realized I could very likely run into either of them. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. The closer we got to the event, the more I realized that the reality I was looking at is this:  I may run into either of them and their wives would likely be with them. I not only would run into them, but everyone in our graduating class has likely seen me naked. IF I came, it would probably go down like this. I would bring my fiance and they would bring their significant other, we would run into each other and when my fiance realizes these are the guys I’ve told him about, he will likely deck them. If he didn’t deck them, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t go off on them. Either way, Ben or Brandon's wife would be there wondering what in the hell this is all about, ruining everyone’s high school reunion. 

The day we had our high school reunion, I went down to Maypearl to my parents house. I was upset and I was crying a little. My parents already knew why but not my aunt and uncle, so that was also fun to tell them. Then, my dad had a huge chunk of concrete that we got to break up with a sledge hammer. Everyone joined in, including me, but for me, it would be a moment of realization. It was then I realized, I wasn’t just sad or hurt or well, traumatized, but I was angry. I was mad. I was filled with rage and this chunk of concrete got the brunt of it. We moved on … but I kept finding myself with this same anger. 

I started to talk about my feelings with a friend who boldly told her story and had changed for the better after doing that. I knew THAT was what I wanted. So I decided to write this blog. Before I wrote it, or even started writing it, I thought of how this might effect their significant other. I decided to go forward with this blog. I couldn’t write this blog without this piece. I’ve tried to let the wife know, to warn her, but I couldn’t get to her. I decided to publish this, in case she decides to read this blog. 

“It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us.” Norman Maclean

[defythesilence]

If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, share your story! You may not be the only one. Maybe everyone else was just as afraid as you are to speak up, but it is a brave soul who steps out against evil in this world. You may encounter lots of criticism, but for that one person who needed to hear it, it is all worth it. Someone may need you to step up to the plate and say, NO this is NOT okay for you to do! I would give anything to of had someone in my life tell me they’ve been through this and made it out okay. Maybe there is one judge who knows what it’s like to be shattered and broken because of rape. Maybe that one politician will understand sometimes it does take years to even realize it is not your fault and you do need the legal system to work for you not against you. You need someone who will understand that sometimes, all you need is a shoulder to cry on, and other times, you may need an army to come to war with you. Without war there can be no peace, so I’ve heard. Now I see that. You have to stand up, speak out, and refuse to sink! If you or a loved one is affected by sexual abuse or assault and need help, call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at1-800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

[defythesilence]

To those of you who have been through something traumatic, such as a sexual assault, please know this. What you have been through is serious. What you have been through takes time to heal. What you have been through, feeling like you have lost a part of you, it takes a grieving process, and it’s okay. It took me 10 years to grieve the loss of my innocence. To grieve what happened to me and to my family. Remember, there are people who love you and want you to be happy. There are people close to you that will not blame you for what happened, because they know it’s not your fault, that someone sexually assaulted you. You are stronger than you seem and braver than you feel. You can always talk to sexual assault advocates and they can help you beyond just hearing you out. They have resources that you may not realize are there. 

Also, if you happen to be in the state of Texas, the statute of limitations is 10 years now.  

[defythesilence]

Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?

Rose Kennedy

[defythesilence]

It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.

Rose Kennedy

[defythesilence]

No free pass

My lack of good judgement in letting you come over …. Doesn’t excuse what you did. Any way you look at it, the facts are this:

YOU brought liquor into MY house, knowing who I was, knowing we were both too young … you still brought it over. We weren’t even 21 at the time… so I question how you even got the liquor in the first place. But that’s beside the point. Let me paint this picture. We were both underage, but you had me convinced that it was okay since we were in my own home. I was stupid enough to believe you. I was stupid enough to believe that a couple shots would be harmless. How was I supposed to know anyhow? I hadn’t ever drank liquor before, but you knew that. You may have even planned on it. 

The last thing I remember- after some shots, how many I’m unaware, I got up to go to the bathroom. I remember staggering down the hall and not even being able to make it to the bathroom when I fell down on the ground. I said something to the effect of “the room is spinning, I can’t get up”. This is usually a sign you are too drunk to consent, but not for you. After that, I must have blacked out. I stated I couldn’t get up and the room was spinning in front of my roomie’s door. So how anything else was even allowed to happen is beyond me. How you even thought that I was capable of consent baffles me to this day.  

You wanna know how I woke up, Brandon? I woke up, naked, with Ben in my bed, also naked. I didn’t talk to Ben, and I sure as hell did not invite him over or let him inside my house. I was so shocked as to how this even happened. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. It’s not enough I could barely walk without pain, but to see I’m also bleeding…. that shocked me. My pelvic bones felt like they’d been crushed. It hurt to pee, to sit down, to walk. Didn’t matter what I did, it hurt. I sat in my bathroom for what seems like forever crying. I called one of my best friends who basically explained to me what probably happened. She told me I need to go to the police. All I could think was, how am I going to tell my parents? How was I going to tell them I had been drinking or even worse, I got drunk? Was I supposed to call up the cops and tell them I’m too young to be drinking but I did anyways? 

I pulled myself together long enough to realize it was still early enough that I could go to church on Sunday morning. I went into my bedroom, gathered up some clothes and got dressed quietly. I then woke Ben up and told him to leave- get out of my house.  

I drove to church. I got there a little late and so I sat in the sound booth with my dad. He’s the happiest person I’ve ever known and I couldn’t even think about ruining his Sunday. I just tried to shrug it all off and get happy.  

At church, the youth minister’s wife noticed I had marks on my neck, hickies. I couldn’t tell her I got drunk last night and someone fucked me.  I couldn’t tell her anything close to the truth, but I couldn’t come up with anything either. I didn’t know what to say. The look on her face said it all. I couldn’t redeem myself if I tried at this point. It all started with, so I got drunk….  None of it ended well for me.

I felt sick over the whole ordeal. I couldn’t bring myself to even eat. I went to my chiropractor the next day. How do you tell your chiropractor your pelvis is out of wack because you got raped? Then they would HAVE to tell someone which would lead to me having to tell my parents. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t see the look on their face.

I can go on and on about all the thoughts in my head and all the tears I shed. But nothing can explain the horror I felt when I found out … whatever it was that DID happen that night, was videoed and sent to people we went to high school with. My family still lived there. My brothers went to school there. All I could think about is them finding out. So you know what I did? I flipped out and told you if you don’t delete it, I will go to the cops. It should have been my first clue that it scared you bad enough to rattle your cage, that maybe I SHOULD have gone to the cops. You never said to me, well you’ll get in trouble too. You said okay I will delete it but don’t go to the cops, you promise?

Perhaps you weren’t aware that, even though you deleted it from your phone, you’d already sent it to enough people that it would never go away. I was at the house I was renting for a week later after this happened, then I left. I left my friend high and dry for sure. I know the realtor took care of her, seeing as how I worked for him and he let me go. Had I went to the cops, we would have had to leave anyways because this whole house would have been a crime scene. 

Brandon, you have no excuse for what you did. You raped me in my own home. You invited someone else to come rape me in my own home. You videoed it and showed it to people I know. You secured a permanent place in my life. You secured a little hell hole. No one with a conscious would be okay with what you did. In no way can you talk your self out of this being YOUR FAULT. Sure, Ben is guilty too, but you facilitated the whole thing! You took my worst nightmare and turned it into a side show for my whole town to see.  I let you in again… I let you apologize for sending the video and for inviting Ben over. I fell for it. I gave you that second chance you wanted so desperately to have and what you did with it just confirms what I already knew.

What you did cannot be undone. You cannot turn back the hands of time any more than I can and make it all turn out differently. The differences between you and I are this: I didn’t deserve this and you do. You got away with it for 10 years with no repercussions and I have suffered for all that you did. I get to move on now with my life and stand up to you and your friends and tell you what you did is wrong and all you can do is realize you are wrong, praying this goes away, just like I have been praying for the past 10 years.

Ten years … it’s a long time to hold onto something. I’ve never held onto anything so long either. But, I can’t erase the damage you’ve done to not only me, but my family. Time doesn’t make it go away and unfortunately, time does not heal all wounds. 

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” –Rose Kennedy

[defythesilence]

Brandon, about what you did to me. Does it make you feel like more of a man? Did you think all of your buddies would high-five you? I guess most of them did though, huh? Real great guys! How fun to have Ben right there with you. Did you think you could help him get lucky? I guess Ben was lucky to have you as a friend. Nothing better than being called to a drunk girls house to let him have your sloppy seconds, because that’s all that jack ass was ever going to get. Even better, the girl is so wasted, she will never remember. Poor guy, did you explain to him that no woman would have sex with him sober? And because you are both so stupid, you thought recording your crime would be a good idea. Well let me be the one to burst your bubble. The only thing that video proved was that neither one of you can get a girl to sleep with you sober. It proves you have to have her drunk to even consider you. It proves that you two just can’t perform well enough for any girl to come back to you in her right mind. It proves how pathetic you 2 are. It proves you have to treat a girl like shit before she wants you. It proves that you have to use the damaged pieces of a girl to get her back. I love that you have such a huge ego that you thought any girl would be lucky to be with you, when in reality, it was every girls worst nightmare. I hate that I felt so horribly about myself that I slept with you even after you'd raped me. I guess as a last resort when you feel like no one else wants you, you have to go back to the guy who used you and humiliated you to even realize how messed up he left you.

Did you ever fear that I would go to the cops?- I should have. Do you think that what you did to me is worth jail time?  Do you feel safe now that I’ve actually told someone?

Are you okay with someone else doing that to your mom or wife?  Is this a story you want your future daughter to hear about her daddy? Are you going to be okay with it when I tell your wife? Do you think your employer will love the story too? Did you think it would be fun to explain to your kids one day why you can’t take them to school? Are they going to be proud of their daddy when he is on the sex offender’s registry? Or maybe more to your tune, you are looking forward to getting raped in prison. 

What puzzles me the most: Did you ever plan on me returning the favor? Did you ever plan on me writing about this for everyone to see and exposing you just like you did to me? Do you think it will be fun when people come up to you asking why you did this and what you have to say for yourself, with flashing camera lights in your eyes? Did you think it would be fun to walk into your job and them tell you, they can’t have you on because of your reputation? Do you think people will need video proof of this? I know you finally deleted it when I threatened to go to the cops… good for you, so you don’t have it anymore… but so many others already saw it. Believe it or not, you would be in the wrong regardless of there being a video of the incident. I know it’s hard to realize, but what you did, you documented your crime for the rest of Maypearl to see. In the end, when it’s all said and done, and karma comes to kiss you in the ass, make sure you record it for me. 

[defythesilence]

To all those who stood by and did nothing

You watched this video so tell me, what were you thinking? Don't you have a mom or sister or daughter? Why would you treat a woman like she is meaningless? Why would you demoralize someone like that? You think it’s okay to watch that video? You think it’s okay to try and get in on that? Are you okay with one of your buddies sending you a video like that of your sister or your mom?

I have to send a serious thank you to those who didn’t do this. For those who didn’t text me after watching this video and try to get with me. For those of you who did not deceive me and become my “friend” just so you can bang me. Those are the real men, the one’s who are better than that! And I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the one’s who actually stood up for me, like my baby brother. For those of you who went up to one of my brothers and either showed them this video or mentioned this video or stated that you wanted to bang me, to them: What kind of ass hole does that? I am so proud of my baby brother punching the guy who told him about this video. He's a real man. Did you think maybe my brother would say “ya dude, she’s hot, you should bang her”? Just remember, you will more than likely have a daughter some day, and when your son gets in trouble for fighting at school and you sit him down to talk about it, watch how proud you would be when your son tells you he decked some bastard because he was talkin’ shit about your daughter. 

We are all young and dumb at some point in life. We all make mistakes, no doubt. I myself have, and you will come to see the extent of my foolishness. But if you do make a mistake, own up to it. Own up to what you did and do what you can do to right the wrong and don’t ever do it again! If what you did in your past could have potentially damaged, hurt or altered the coarse of someone’s life, you need to apologize. You need to be remorseful. You need to make it a little easier for that person to forgive you.