delightfulcomet

[delightfulcomet]

The days feel more meaningless and empty lately, dang!

[delightfulcomet]

It's lonely eating croissants alone

Too many came in the pack for me to eat before they get cold! My stomach's starting to hurt from trying to eat them all 😅

Lonely is one word for how I've been feeling lately. My parent's have been in New York for about two or three days now and my brother left here to go to Mom's, pretty much the night they left, because our Dad and step-Mom wouldn't let him have a party while they're gone. So I've been in this big empty house alone! We just moved here last month so I still get frightened when it's dark(it's ten times as big as our old house).

Normally loneliness hasn't been an issue; I've felt it but it hasn't brought me down. Until now, haha. Maybe it's not having a boyfriend? However, I doubt that as well since it hasn't bothered me before either. But that realm of my life has been strange..

I can't remember if I've ranted about my last boyfriend(not that anyone here keeps track :P), this happened less than a month before our one year anniversary in August, but basically he said he wanted "space" and that it definitely wasn't a break because I have said I'd break up with anyone who'd put me on a break because it's dumb. It was a break. But he did it because he said he thought he wasn't being a good boyfriend and wanted to figure out how he could treat me beetttttterr(sarcasm doesn't work well online, so that was me enacting myself being a fOOL). Anywho, I tried to give him space because if you're gonna say that - and leave me on a beach more than a twenty minute drive from my house - you need space from me to figure it out, right? Wrong, I gUeSs.

But after a week and a half of being sad and waiting, I asked him when we could talk about it and he got upset and said it "wasn't something he could estimate". So from then on I thought of us as broken up but didn't give the closure or final nope I wanted to because, as my step mom said, he made this decision and it's his responsibility. So a month goes by, he hasn't said anything to me, but I heard he was talking rudely about me to his friends and acquaintances, which didn't affect me until I learned he said, "it sucks my first girlfriend had so many family issues" which just made me lose all respect for him.

So I sent him a "it's over" type message since we're gonna see each other in school and I made sure to include a part that said, "I hope we can both be mature about this" since I knew he wasn't. But that was that, he started some more crap when we went back into university but, what are we? Five? It bugged me but oh well.

Plus, my first boyfriend started talking to me again(LIKE DURING THAT TRAINWRECK), being friendly, and wanting to talk NON STOP. In the mindframe I was in, I kept thinking about him and how lovely we were(even before we started talking, no one compares), soooooooooooo ooOoh nOoo I(think I'm) caUght(/catching) FeeLings(haha, tiktok). Or I at least caught the hope of "hey maybe".

While we were talking and goofing around one night directed me to an instagram account where he and his room mates were keeping an online scrapbook of their lives. I watch a video. The one recording grabs his arm. I go, "aww, haha, is that your GiRlFrIeNd". He goes "actually yeah" anD IM LIKE OOFIE OUCH MY HEART BUT IM SO HAPPY HE FINALLY MOVED ON BECAUSE BEFORE HE MOVED AWAY HE WAS REALLY REALLY STUCK ON ME SO I JUST SAY, "Aww, so cute!"

It's funny tho because after he told me and I was selfishly sad for five seconds I snapped out of it and every romantic feeling I had towards him was gone. Nevertheless, I told him it was inappropriate to be talking because, even tho we're friends, the fact of the matter is that I'm his ex-girlfriend and we are talking like a lot considering he has a girlfriend and I felt bad that I was getting all the time she should have been getting. He made a big fuss for about two to three hours and we're still talking now, but thank goodness, a lot less. I've since then talked to his girlfriend and she's lovely. However, the only odd thing is that she told him not to tell me about her and she specifically didn't post anything romantic about them on her Instagram even before he and I started talking and I followed her. Buuuuutt, not my circus, not my monkeys.

So maybe all that's been having a combined effect on me? Oh plus, it was "national boyfriend day" the other day and everyone was so cute! But for some reason my heart felt sad when I saw all the cute pictures. Very weird

Anyway, I think I just needed to write that all out, haha. But, even though I've been having an extra hard time with loneliness lately, I am very lucky. Along with many other things, I have a best friend who is a delight ♡ she is always there for me, a homie, my bro, tells me to throw hands when I need to, and we're even going on a cute date to a farm tomorrow and making a pie afterwards! Everything will be okay

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Also!

Shouting out into the internet! If a guy(or girl) puts you on a "break" or needs "space" break up with them! Even if he says it's for a sweet reason like he feels like he's not being a good boyfriend and needs to take time to better himself! He could end up ghosting you for a month and a half and start telling people you're ignoring him! It may not happen to you like it did to me, but save yourself the grief..if a person wants to be with you they will.

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Haha, it's funny. Everytime I proclaim my happiness online I'm hit by a profound wave of sadness, paranoid-ness, or anything else! I know it'll go back to being okay but yikes!

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I slept in today, which is not something that usually happens, so yay for sleep but that means I'm behind on study time! So far today, I have been awake for about two hours, I ate some breakfast, watched one or two YouTube videos(I watch long videos), exercised, and I'm about to hop into the shower. I know when I sleep in I'm unmotivated so I'm hoping the exercise, and what not, will help with that, haha. 26 hours until my Chemistry exam!

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Okay so,

A group of friends that I had tried being friends with since highschool(so for almost two years 😂) I decided to stop trying to be friends with them. My boyfriend told me they had a "meme", so a joke to make fun of, me because one of my old friends started dating someone in the group - I did too, that's how I'm dating my boyfriend but I debated it for...9 months(?) and I tend to not jump from one boy to another 😬 - and broke up with him. So my boyfriend told me something and the group of them thought I told my friend what my boyfriend had told me because my friend got mad at her boyfriend and her boyfriend got mad at the group of guys...confusing without names, but hopefully that can be followed 😅 but I decided I don't have time for people like that in my life, and I even think I deserve better, so I'm not wasting anymore time on them. I feel no closer to them than when we first met and I still feel excluded, that could be the whole "boys can only be friends with boys and girls can only be friends with girls" thought process but that's bullshit. Strangely enough, after deciding that I'm feeling more confident and empowered so woo!

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Every day drags, nothing's interesting to me, and I just want to sleep away every day so it can end already. I don't know what it means but it does not spark joy. I feel like my sadness has lessened a lot, but the apathy remains :( I'm hoping I can turn this around and work on it some more. I started exercising again two or three days ago since the sockets from having my wisdom teeth removed have healed almost completely, so let's hope that works! I've also been trying to eat three meals a day since now I can eat pretty much anything again. Along with trying to fix my thought patterns, but that's an exhausting constant. I'm going to list what could be stressing me so I can maybe process it a bit better or find out if I'm just making something a bigger deal than it is by overthinking, even tho I don't think it's stress since I don't necessarily feel it.

Stressors(?)

• Exams are coming up and I don't feel confident about every subject -> I get 80-90s on my Statistics assignments but I just passed the first midterm and got a 46% on the second. I feel okay in everything else but I'd like to be better(even tho my marks are generally in the 70-80s)

• My boyfriend forgot I didn't have my lab yesterday(since it's the last week of classes) and left me at the university -> he turned around when I was like, "where did you go??" but it brought back #childhoodmemories and made me sad and now I've created distrust within myself for him that I now need to talk about with him to get rid of it :') he deserves better than to always be hassled by me

• I don't have my full lisence yet and it seems to be everyone's business -> I am so close to having them but then I will definitely have to dig into my saving account to pay for gas until I get a job. Plus, it would be nice to finally stop bothering everyone for drives, they all probably hate me

• I haven't recieved a email saying I got a job or not for the research positions I applied for(me not having a job is also everyone's business) -> this is very stressful because I really, really want this. And, again, people won't stop mentioning it and being aloof(is that the right term?) when I say I haven't heard back yet. I can't control how fast people go through applications

• My uni-"friend" calls me stupid all the time and loves to argue -> she's transferring to a university four or five hours away with her boyfriend next year so thank god, but I hate feeling this way about people :( she makes me want to avoid her at all costs but she is in every one of my classes. She wanted to argue the other day because she said, "I don't get how people don't like cats" and I responded, "I can see how people don't like them, but they're pretty cool"

• My Nanny has a very bad hiatial hernia -> she's been the only stable, supportive thing in my life since birth and I'm crying in the school library typing this so bye

• Anniversary of my great aunt's death -> seems obsurce first read but we were decently close and shared the same birthday. She also died last year while I was in Europe so I missed the funeral and everything else, plus my Mom tried to guilt trip me saying I didn't care about her becauSE I WAS IN ANOTHER CONTINENT ! Ugh, sometimes she's just so unreasonable(my boyfriend would say always and I don't necessarily disagree)

• I am running low on money and don't have much clothes but I don't want to dig into my savings for that -> I finally have some pride in myself to want to wear things that at least look okay now but I am back to...I was going to say, "being poor like I was as a child" but I didn't have the option back then, I have the option now to have money but I just want my savings to keep gaining interest so I'm not drowning in more debt than I have to after my schooling's done

• I have relationships with MANY people that are almost friendships but I don't know how to make that leap -> this is just frustrating because I want to be close to people and have fun with them and support them and just be happy; I can even plan how to do it but once I'm close to acting out my plan I get anxious and freak out! Bleh!

[delightfulcomet]

Build your self confidence muscle with an exercise of courage!

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Oh boy, big sigh. I'm suddenly feeling what I think I should've felt as a teenager :( well, I still am a teenager, technically, but any sports I would have been in I think I would have aged out of them by now and I don't have any experience in anything, really! Sad boi hours :T I want to cheerlead, I feel like I could actually deal with the mean attitudes now and I want to feel the "second family" athletes have! Oh well tho, all I can do now is make sure my child feels it, or at least present it to them so they actually have an option

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02/03/19

I got my first urge to cut myself today. Big oof! For some reason I wanted to do it myself(¿if that even makes sense? the moment honestly feels like a fever dream) so I didn't use the scissors in my room and tried to do it with my finger nails. Long story short: I failed and now my hand just hurts!

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I met with a therapist the other day and it went well ♡

I've had some mixed days since then, but I'm focusing on the happy ones! My next appointment isn't until March but she said it would be more regular after that. Since this was my first appointment I wasn't really anybody's paitent, and since I wanted the lady who spoke with me to be my lady from now on, I must wait. But I had a fantastic day yesterday and I'm looking forward to studying today!

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A little water to brighten my day 💙 wOAH, JUST REALIZED LATELY MY SADNESS HAS BEEN COMING IN VIOLENT WAVES !!! THIS MATCHES PERFECTLY

But I hope everyone has a lovely day/night♡

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Ooooooooo! And the biology society at my university gave me another spider plant! This one(Hobbz™) is a Vittatum, the internet tells me. My other spider plant(Greg) is just green but I still love them ❤

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I know periods can make you feel pain and change your mood but holy moly. Yesterday, right before mine started, my thoughts were so crazy. I was so much more sad than I usually am and I couldn't stop crying and being extra hard on myself. Yikes. Thank god my boyfriend's patient with me 😅 he hates when I'm down on myself, it annoys him, which is probably a good thing that he dislikes it, but it's tricky because I can't always control it. But today I'm happy and he brought me a blizzard ♡

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I'm feel happy and vague, but I'm sad I won't be able to see the super-blood-wolf moon tonight due to the messy weather

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I had the best Statistics lab today and I had a great, fulfilling conversation with my boyfriend!

I feel like statistics comes relatively easy to me and I can work out things so smoothly so far; this is already so much more assuring than calculus was.

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This past week(even thought it's only Wednesday) my uni friend, who I have every class with except for two of my labs, has been really...off. It feels like every day she has pointed out: "I hate your notes.", "Your notes annoy me so much.", "Your notes make me so anxious.", or "How can you take notes like that?" And she usually says "you're dumb" or "you're stupid" but, y'know, I assume it's a joke because people joke like that and I know I'm dumb, but like, it's getting to me and making me feel down. For example, today, she suggested going a different way in the halls and I was like sure, because I honestly don't care, as long as we get to our class I'm good with any way. Once we were up there she ran into her boyfriend and kind of lingered on the fact that I wanted to walk the other way and it would've been bad if we went the way I "wanted", and I was just there like what do you mean. I said something like, "I was just going to go any way." but I got ignored, as usual it seems, sadly. Then, a few minutes ago, she was talking about starting the stats assignment and almost being done it. She asked me if I started it and I said no because, why lie? I believe she won't shame me or make me feel bad, I assume she cares so maybe she'll be like tsk tsk get that done, but I wouldn't think she'd be rude to me. So she says, in a very monotone(serious-ish) voice, "Wow, I'm so much better than you" which I honestly did take personally due to the way she's been acting, but I'm so confused as to where all this came from :\