detectivefroggie

[detectivefroggie]

Dick: Okay, so with Bruce being on a mission with the Justice League, we need someone to be Batman.

Jason: So you just be Batman again

Damian: Actually, I strongly disagree with that arrangement

Tim: Don't tell me.... you think you should be Batman?

Damian: No, I'm aware I don't have the same attitude to be Father

Jason: really?... just the attitude?

Damian: I believe Cain should be Batman

Cassandra: Oh?

Dick: Umm.... Dami, I don't think-

Damian: Think about it. Grayson is too nice, Jason has way too much pent-up anger

Jason: Fuck you.

Damian: And well Drake is just..... Drake

Tim: Wow...

Damian: Cain is the only person who can match Father to a T.

Dick: There are many reasons why she can't be-

Jason: No, no, no, Dick. The demon child has a point

Dick: ..... um, okay then

(Later thar night)

Penguin: About time you showed up-

Cassandra (in Bat suit): You'll pay for your crimes

Penguin: ..... the hell am I looking at?

Robin: What?

Penguin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT? WHO IS THIS?

Red Hood: Batman, duh

Penguin: No, don't do that

Nightwing: Don't do what? This is Batman

Penguin: That's obviously a teenage girl

The Batkids: (gasps loudly and in sync)

Penguin: WHAT?!

Red Hood: How dare you assume his gender.

Robin: During Pride Month, too

Red Robin: (shaking his head) and here I thought you were an alley

Penguin: okay no just take me in

[detectivefroggie]

My 14 year old brother just took a drink of hot chocolate and hissed like he'd knocked back a shot of vodka then set it down and went "ah... that's the good stuff."

[detectivefroggie]

my humor might be broken cause I find this trend actually funny

[detectivefroggie]

Jon, while trying to ask Damian out and drowning in 'having crush on my best friend hell,' starts gifting Damian pretty rocks.

Every time he finds a pretty stone, he puts it in his pocket, and the next time he sees Damian, he hands them to the boy with no explanation.

Damian, while confused, keeps them like precious treasures. He even gets a display case.

It is only after he watches a documentary about the Antarctic with Cass one night that he understands what's going on.

He calls for the Super immediately, and Jon arrives in minutes with a new blue stone in hand.

"Are you attempting to court me like a penguin?"

"That depends. Is it working?" And offers the new rock gingerly.

"Unfortunately, yes."

Damian has to get a bigger display case because his alien boyfriend decides he needs space rocks, too.

[detectivefroggie]

Alfred steps into the cave after getting an alert that someone was in there. Bruce is halfway through tearing off his button up shirt.

Alfred raises a brow and asked in a measured voice, "I thought you were taking the night off to see the circus act, sir?"

Bruce freezes for a second before returning to frantically undress and get into his bat suit. "Uh, the ropes snapped. Two dead. Foul play suspected."

"Oh, goodness me, that's horrible."

"Yeah - oh! I need you to pick up the things on this list." Bruce shoved a crumpled piece of paper towards him. Alfred took it calmly, scanning the contents, pausing when all of the items were... for a child?

"Master Bruce," he begins calmly "why do you need children's clothes?"

Bruce paused for the slightest second, clearly hearing him and then deciding to ignore him and instead start putting on his gauntlets. "I'm not going to be home until late. I need to investigate the scene with Gordon."

"Master Bruce, why do you need a step stool?"

"And then we need to conduct interviews with each of the circus members - "

"Master Bruce, why do you need children's vitamin gummies?"

" - which will take a while because they're all, reasonably, very upset at the moment. Anyway, I'll be back by 6 am to make it to that meeting. I may need to do it without sleep, but it's fine." Bruce said as he started to move towards the Batmobile.

Alfred’s eye twitched. "Sir, why do you need these things? Sir? Si - BRUCE THOMAS WAYNE!" he snapped. Bruce froze and turned around slowly.

"Do you think ignoring me will make the fact that you're buying things for a child go away?!"

".... I was hoping it would.."

[detectivefroggie]

Conversations of various Robins and Batman that the JL has overheard.

Dick as Robin:

Batman: "Don't touch that."

*gets ignored*

Batman (more desperately): "Don't touch that! Robin I'll ground you!"

Robin: *snorts and continues to reach for the very dangerous alien object*

Batman (floundering): "I- Catwoman's out of Arkham! And if you touch that I won't let you see her!"

Robin: *gasps and backs away from it reluctantly* "That's no fair! I wanna see Catwoman and touch the thing!"

Batman, crossing his arms and looking very stern despite the objectively ridiculous situation: "Well, you can only have one of those things."

-

Robin, starting to tear up and sniffle: "B-but I want to help other kids so t-t-they don't lose their mommy and daddy!"

Batman, deadpan: "That's not working on me, kid."

Robin, tears immediately drying up: "Was the mommy and daddy too much?"

Batman: *seesaw hand*

Robin, nodding: "I think I'll keep it to mama and papa - that usually works better."

//

Jason as Robin:

Batman: "Yes, Robin, your English teacher is an idiot when it comes to Shakespeare but that doesn't mean you can egg her car."

Robin: "What about her house?"

Batman: "That's actually worse than egging her car."

Robin: "Sooo, I should be allowed to egg her car because that's better than egging her house!"

Batman: "Should people be allowed to commit assault because that's better than murder?"

Robin, dead panned: "Isn't that literally what we do every night?"

(This one made Flash laugh so hard he pulled a muscle)

-

Robin: "B, I just met Toy Man."

Robin: "Is that REALLY one of Superman's enemies or was that a joke? Please tell me it was a joke. He's like a level two Gotham rogue - his shtick is toys, Batman, TOYS. And I thought the Riddler was stupid."

(Superman tried to defend his honor and was ultimately defeated by the meanest thing to exist - a teenager)

//

Tim as Robin:

Batman: "Robin, explain the voicemail I got from the school."

Robin: "Didn't they already tell you?"

Batman, frowning heavily: "Humor me."

Robin: "My math teacher was being a bitch so I took apart her calculators and hid the pieces around her room and in her stuff."

Batman: "Including her salad."

Robin: "Including her salad AND protein shake."

Batman: "She's could have choked and died!"

Robin: "But she didn't! And anyway in my experience, people are SO much more tolerable when they almost died recently! Take my dad for example-"

-

Batman: "Stop it."

Robin, grinning over his laptop: "I'm not doing anything."

Batman, exasperated: "Don't lie to me! That's your hacking face, Robin."

/

Steph as Robin:

Robin: "It's only glitter!"

Batman: "Three tons of it."

Robin: "... Did i mention that it's biodegradable so it's like totally okay for the environment! See, i DO think ahead sometimes!"

Batman, mumbling: "Maybe I should start putting glitter on your case files so you'll focus..."

-

Robin: "It's because I'm a girl isn't it?"

Batman: "Me telling you to stop putting sprinkles on your pasta is completely unrelated to your gender."

Robin, taking a bite of her pasta monstrosity and pointing the fork in his direction: "Misogynist!"

/

Damian as Robin:

Robin: "But i only THREATENED to stab him. I didn’t actually stab him."

Batman: "..."

Batman: "That's definitely progress but still-"

-

Robin: *cape starts to make a hissing sound*

Batman: "Robin.... What is in there?"

Robin: ".... Her name is Daffodil."

Batman, growing dread in his voice: "And what exactly is Daffodil?"

Robin, without misisng a beat and completely serious: "A beautiful young lady."

[detectivefroggie]

[detectivefroggie]

I need Dr. Damian Wayne except he’s literally just Dr. house. He’s constantly fed up with everyone’s bs and is popping advil like candies.

———

Tim: hey Damian, so great to see my FAVORITE brother ever!!

Damian done with ts: alright what’d you do this time?

Tim: *pulls cape back to show a gun wound* I was shot.

Damian: *sigh* why do I even try

———

Damian’s coworkers: so the patient is having sharp pains, fever, fatigue, and ulcers

One of the doctors: it could be-

Damian: if I hear you suggest lupus one more time I will hit you

———

Bruce: Damian what the hell are you doing?

Damian very obviously playing solitaire on his computer: hm? I’m working duh.

Bruce: I did not pay for ten years of med school for you to play solitaire

Damian: *side eyes bruce* you spend most your days dressed as a bat and solving jigsaw puzzles of cats

Bruce: touché.

[detectivefroggie]

I know Talia is usually drawn to be somewhere relatively close to Bruce's height, but I am currently having a fun time imagining a world where this absolute terrifying woman is approximately five feet tall.

Specifically within the implications that this has for Damian.

Jason: -holding Damian's sword above his head and out of Dami's reach-

Damian, 14 years old, solidly 5ft 4: One day I will be as tall as Father and then you will all see!

Tim: Uh... Damian, you do realize that Talia is shorter than all of us, right?

Damian, jumping to try and reach his sword: -disgruntled noises-

[detectivefroggie]

[detectivefroggie]

The best part about knowing Latin plurals is using them incorrectly on purpose and seeing if anyone who knows why you're full of shit is within earshot. Insist that the plural of of "waitress" is "waitrices". You know you want to.

[detectivefroggie]

there’s a big difference between “i’m sad because a character i was emotionally invested in was killed off” and “this character’s death served no purpose, was used for shock value, and is the product of bad writing and i’m upset about that”

[detectivefroggie]

The one with the group chat mix up

I could see Dick in young justice having two phones, one for Dick Grayson and one for Robin. The problem is, one day he’s rushing at the end of his lunch period and he sees a text come in. It’s from Wally. Dick hasnt slept in three days and he’s having a horrible day at school and he’s so so tired and so so mad that he doesn’t even open the message, he just pulls it down to reply just as the warning bell for the next period rings.

Dude I fucking hate it here istg Swanson is my arch fucking nemesis. I’m literally a fucking nerd and the man is actually so fucking evil he’s making me HATE bio dude is beefing with a literal 13 year old wtf!! Also he insinuated that B is doing inappropriate things with me so I think I will actually ruin this man’s whole life, I know he sells weed to the loser band kids after school. If u have a chance pls convince ur uncle to convince b to send me to keystone with u bc I actually fucking HATE IT HERE and I hate this stupid uniform I hate it I hate it I hate it

And then he slams his locker shut and runs to his next class.

His phone has so many messages the next time he checks it that he thinks the world is ending. And then he opens it to see what’s going on and instead he feels like he wants to puke. Because he sent that message to the team group chat instead of directly to Wally.

He promptly deletes it from the group chat and responds to everyone’s worried messages with:

Oopsie sorry u saw nothing u know nothing if u took a screenshot delete it now or ill hack ur phone and delete it for u<3

He’s shitting bricks as he waits outside of school for Alfred to pick him up, and he hacks into all their phones immediately to check their screenshots. Thankfully no one actually took any photo evidence. Maybe his teammates aren’t so bad after all.

But they do all corner him when he sees them at Mount Justice next. They didn’t know he was 13. They all assumed he was 15 like Wally and he never corrected them. Wally was the only one who knew.

The cause of his rant? His biology teacher is an asshole to him. And also gave him detention earlier that day for wearing socks with a logo on them instead of one solid color (as stated in the Gotham Academy dress code). Any other teacher would’ve given a warning or just ignored it entirely. His biology teacher is particularly assholeish with him specifically. He’s implied several times that Dick only skipped a grade because Bruce paid the school off or smth, and he has insinuated more than once that Bruce adopted him to be a boy toy. He has been Dick’s arch nemesis all year and his goal for the year is to get the man fired or arrested, whichever comes first.

It takes Artemis like two weeks to put the pieces together and realize he goes tot he same school as her. She’s sitting in homeroom when it clicks and she immediately types in the group chat:

Artemis: WAIT YOU GO TO GOTHAM ACADEMY TOO??

Robin: no idea what ur talking abt<3

[detectivefroggie]

something about there being this unspoken understanding in the batfam that Jason really is just one unkind word away from falling apart completely at any given time.

It is not immediately obvious when Jason comes storming into the batcave in a bad mood, or when he takes a shot at one of them that it's a test.

An unfair test, but some weird, oddly understandable one if you step back and consider the myriad of traumas Jason has that have never had the chance to be properly dealt with thanks to the natural isolation of his life. T

here's this moment of epiphany among them when Damian makes some offhanded comment after Jason has left in a rage, where he's like "He's almost as socially inept as I was when I first came from the league."

and Oh.

Because yeah. Jason's hyper competent in combat, and strategy, and he can be clear and easy to talk to when it's about a mission or patrol, but when it's just them-- casual? No gear? No masks and vigilante roles to hide behind, it's like Jason is stumbling through every interaction. If he's not being immediately bitchy, he's awkward and quiet, and looks so out of place. They know Jason is compassionate, and can be soft, because he is with victims and children-- but he can't seem to let himself have any true permanence as Jason Todd.

While it's not an excuse for Jason to be a bitch to test them... the epiphany is: Jason hasn't been in community or relationship with people in years. Maybe ever, if you really think about it. He's doing that thing that the more brash street kids do. The ones who poke and prod at wounds because they're trying to gauge safety.

Because the batfam is Jason's last grasp at having a permanent place where Jason Todd can exist... but it can only happen if he's wanted. The rest of the world thinks he's dead. He can't really be understood by the average civilian.

How else does he prove he's wanted than to give them all the things that would make it easy to leave?

the batfam sees the truth of it though. it’s in the way Jason snaps at them, but flinches at his own tone because it’s so obvious he didn’t mean for it to come out that way. It's not something they noticed before Damian said what he said. And in the past, Tim or Damian would bite back with a psychologically dismantling remark. Because they're all witty, and some of Jason's complexes are just glaring red targets, and well- He's usually the one that provokes! Right? So it's fine? But this time--

Jason says something he shouldn't, and he stares at them wide-eyed and clearly terrified for the response and they all just shrug and move on with things, Tim even huffs out a laugh, and says, "Yeah, okay Jason." And Jason visibly calms down. His whole body seems to untense, and then he very quietly mumbles, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." And it's like you can hear a pin drop.

Then Bruce nods in acknowledgement, and his tone is even when he says, "We know, Chum."

Because not once in his life has he been met with actual neutrality. Not indifference, not rage-- just neutrality that says, "You're not gonna provoke us, or scare us off."

and that makes it easier to breathe amongst them. It makes it easier to trust that they might like the little good he has to offer, if they're not scared of all the ugly.

ugh idk, just something that makes them realize that Jason is in a constant state of emotional panic, and while he's not stupid at all, he's got extremely underdeveloped interpersonal skills, especially familial ones.

as time goes on, there comes a point where Jason says something barbed, it's just him and Dick, and Dick is like, "You know, Damian used to do the same thing when he first came here. He said all the worst things he could think of, and he tried to kill Tim, and he complained about Alfred's cooking, and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop."

and Jason's fucking disarmed because HELLO? And so he's like, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything--"

"He's still here, Jason. And I have every intention of making sure you stay, too. But damn, can we check the attitude at the door, sometimes?"

bc accountability is also >>>

[detectivefroggie]

[detectivefroggie]

(video source)

[detectivefroggie]

I don't know where I saw it first, but the idea that Dick is like nonverbal when he's younger and kinda reverts to it when he's older too and the only person who can read him accurately is Bruce means so much to me

just just just-

Superman, eyes narrowed at little Robin!Dick who's sitting on the chimney: Hmmmm. He wants me to fly Batman, tiredly dealing with the leftover goons nearby: No. Superman, eyes twitching as he tries to telepathically reach Dick: He wants to fly Batman, eyes rolling behind the mask: He always wants to fly. That doesn't count. Superman, about ready to bribe Dick into speaking: He wants... Robin!Dick, completely unbothered by Clark's desperate attempts: :) Batman, exasperated and joining his son again: He wanted to see you punt that car into the sky. But since you couldn't understand him... Robin!Dick, who actually wanted Bruce to hug him and is now getting his wish but is still a little shit: :( Clark, panicking: Wait no- ~ Oliver, babysitting: Do you want... to go play videogames? Little Dick Grayson, staring at him wide eyed: :/ Oliver, frowning because he will crack this thank you very much Dinah for your vote of confidence: how about... the park? Bruce, who hasn't left yet because Oliver is helpless: No. Oliver, intent: The move theater? Bruce, concerned at how no one is able to understand his son when it's so easy: No. Oliver, growing a lil panicked: You want to bake something! Bruce, now severely concerned for his friends ability to read people: Not even close. Oliver: I give up. Bruce: He wants you to read to him. Dick: *nodding* Oliver:... *i hate you, you're lying to me, this is rigged-* yeah okay ~ Hal, on watch with Nightwing: mmmm waffles! Nightwing, tired and nonverbal but amused: *shakes head* Hal, concentrating: mmmm pancakes! Nightwing, yawning: *shakes head* Hal, panicking now because the elevator just opened which means Bruce is about to arrive: um um- oh! Chocolate fudge! Bruce, arrived: White chocolate chip macadamia cookies. Dick, pleased: *nods* Hal, defeated: ... one, please...