diary-of-an-aupair

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Hi! I just accidentally found your blog and loved reading some of it! I hope you're stole looking at it, even though it's been years and years ago! I was also an au pair in Rochester, but from June to December 2015. So it's kinda fun to read about you exploring Rochester/Medway and going to London. Hope you see this! Xx

Hey there! I am still looking at this blog, except not regularly so I am always superlate to answer. It is so great to hear you’ve lived in Rochester. Every time I think about that town I assume nobody knows it, but we’ve probably walked the same places and it’s strange to think about XD How did you find it? I took every change I had to visit London, but now that i live in the city I would love to go back and visit sometimes. :D

[diary-of-an-aupair]

2/2 They created a fake family and then said it did not work with them, so showed me the family I am with now. All of this after I paid their deposit. Anyway, this is just to get some advice from you. I decided to 'skip' one university semester for this, and now the agency is crap and the family is treating me horribly too. I do not know how to leave them without angering them(they have bad tempers and the father got mad at me for eating too slow???). Thank you in advance.

Hey! I am pretty sure installing cameras without telling you is some sort of privacy violation. I know it’s their house, but what the hell. oO What you could do would be to drop the agency (I have no idea how long ago you sent this message, sorry) and maybe try and find a family from one of those well rated websites. I have plenty of friends who au-paired through the internet and as long as you use trusted sites it’s all for the best. Since you’re abroad already you could actually go and meet new families, instead of simply skyping. But yeah, everything you said sounds quite horrible so just drop them as soon as possible.

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Do you have any advice or websites you can link to be an aupair in NYC? I can't seem to find one that doesn't cost money!

Hey! I’m afraid not, but I googled for a bit and there’s this website called “Au Pair in America” which actually recruits, but it also seems to have a bunch of useful links and in the worst case you could just email them and ask them for advice. I’ve opened a few sites but that seems the most trustworthy, being a sort of proper agency as well.

[diary-of-an-aupair]

I'm not sure how often you check this blog, but i'm desperate for help so i thought i'd try anyway. i'm really not loving my living situation and i feel like i made a huge mistake becoming an au pair. i'd like to be able to quit and not come back after i go home for christmas but the parents are so nice and i feel awful because i know they need help, but their kids are ridiculous and i miss home so much. how do i go about telling them without making things awkward or insulting them??

Hey! I’m so sorry this is probably so late, I hope you figured it out already. But in case you haven’t, my best advice would be to just tell them you hadn’t considered the homesick element (a lot of people have no idea how much they could be affected by it until they’re actually away from home) and despite you love living with them, you don’t feel like you’re cut out for this experience. Honesty is always better, but I understand you don’t want to tell them their kids are horrible, so there’s really no need to include them in your list of reasons. Homesickness is more than understandable, especially if they’re as nice as you said. 

Again, I’m sorry I couldn’t answer in time. Hope you’ve had it a bit easier in the meantime. :)

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Thanks so much for your advice. I changed families. The changing was messy because the other family was threatening me with deporting me but at the end my new host family saved me and now I'm super happy and I'm completely in love with this new kid. I actually feel like in a family. I think the advice you gave me was the correct decision. I just feel sad the last family didn't let me say goodbye to the kids ):

Oh my god deporting you? The thing is that these kids see this stuff happening and I always wonder what kind of parents would be okay with giving that example. -.- I’m really glad it worked out for you though. That’s the way this experience should feel. :D

[diary-of-an-aupair]

I'm an au pair and I love the kids I'm taking care of but the mother, wow, she's a tough cookie. I'm a super happy and talkative person and in here is like I have no confidence. Almost every day they scream at me and get angry. Everything is wrong and it makes me feel like a failure. I cry every night and call my mom. I'm not a quitter but I seriously can't take it. I'm in between leaving or sucking it up. But I'm so miserable and I've been here just 11 days. It doesn't seem to get better.

I normally suggest people to try and talk about any problem with the family first, but if they scream at you I would just quit their crap and find another family. What you said reminds me so much of my own experience and I lasted three months but with severe personal problems afterwards. Of course try and make the change as smooth as possible both for yourself and them (someone needs to be a civil human being and it’s totally better if you do that, since they seem incapable of such a thing) but don’t let it ruin your positivity. There’s plenty of families who can’t wait to have a cheerful confident person around. A sane parent would understand that’s better for everyone, especially the kids. So my best advice is put yourself first and find that family. And if they tell you you’re making trouble for them don’t take it personally, because families often say mean things just because you’re forcing them to go through the whole process again (you know, find a new girl, let her in, explain things and all). But in the end, if they didn’t want trouble they should have treated you like an equal grown up and above all a human being from the very beginning.

I’m sorry it’s been difficult, but what I’ve learned from other friends who have tried au pairing a second time is that it can be better than what you’re going through.

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Hey i have a question.. Do you think it's normal that i havent found my host family yet but i've had 14 matches already? :/ i feel like i'm not good enough or idk

I think it can happen because there's so many families and so many au pairs and sometimes you don't like them, while other times they don't like you. It kinda depends on luck. I was crazy about my very first family but in the end they rejected me and then the next one didn't convince me although they tried their best to make me like them. Just don't accept a family you're not sure about just because you feel like you've had too many matches. :)

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Hi. I don't even know if you will see this message since the blog is deactivated but I sincerely hope you will. I am currently an Aupair in Switzerland and things aren't going that great. I have been here two months, I don't feel comfortable in the family and they just told me that they don't think I am doing a good enough job. They find every small mistake I make and nothing good. I could use some advice, so hopefully you'll see this. A very miserably Anna.

Hey, Anna! The blog is still active, i just don't update it anymore but feel free to write whenever you need. :)

I'm sorry your experience is not going well, it's sad to say that happens way more often than it should, considering how exciting au-pairing is supposed to be. What i can suggest is you try and speak with your agency as soon as possible (if you found a family through an agency), because as annoying as it can be to have to readjust to a new family, staying with one who make so many problems for you is worse. When I was an au pair, I tried to make it work even when it was clear the family had no intention to make it work and in the end i was the only one who suffered. So yeah, speak to your agency or - if you don't have one - just sit down at a table with your host family and tell them that you don't feel welcome and since they told you they're not satisfied with your job, it's best for everyone if you just separate. You can always find another family, there's plenty. And if you're worried that the next one will be just as bad, i know a lot of people who had to change family but the second one turned out to be much more welcoming and warm and generally nice than the previous one.

I guess some people hire au pairs because they need them, but at the same time they're not the kind of people who can trust strangers to take the lead and they end up being unsatisfied just because they're not doing the thing themselves. And i believe that's one thing agencies should note when they let families sign up, but the system is all wrong, we know that. XD Yet, there's loads of families who take in au pairs because they genuinely wanna give a chance to someone else and they understand what the program is all about. It's like a puzzle and sadly, most of the time the pieces won't fit on the first try. If you really love the job though, give yourself a second chance. :D

Bottom line is, it's not worth to stay in a place that doesn't make you happy. Au-pairing should be a cultural, fun, inspiring experience. Not a frightening one. :)

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Diary of an au-pair turned 2 today!

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Today I found your blog. I dodn't read everything but I can see that out situations were similar. I was an au pair for 6 weeks in London and I had too many problems during this time. But i miss this city and i feel it was a mistake that I came back.

Hello there!! Well, it's understandable you couldn't read my entire blog because i posted something almost daily for two months and a half, so don't worry. What i can say is i know that feeling way too well. I mean, i left my host family because i made myself sick to try and bear with my absolutely demanding host mom and at first i was okay because i knew i couldn't phisically spend another day there. But as last year unfolded i slowly forgot the details and i've been feeling like a failure more and more everyday because "if i just changed family instead of coming back". Of course back then the possibility was out of question, i was too scared my illness had become too deeply already. But yeah, you don't remember the reasons why you left as concretely as you used to and you start questioning your own decisions.

The thing is that side of the problem fades away too. I have spent one year being jealous of people who could make my dream of living in England come true, because they're stronger and more determined maybe, although i've never been more determined about anything in my life and i don't know how someone could beat me on that. I alternated moments of renewed certainty when i was ready to pack and chase after my dream, to moments when i thought about how things could go wrong again and i couldn't take another failure. But now my determination is slowly coming back, in the last couple of months i've been able to think about England without being scared and hopefully it'll just get better until i feel completely ready again.

What i'm trying to say is you're definitely not the only one whose au pair experience didn't turn out the way they make you picture it. I've been monitoring the au pair tag and the girls who actually had a good time are so rare. Give yourself time, don't rush into a second attempt but consider it. Now you know what let you down and that will be what you'll need to pay more attention to if you try again. 

If you feel like leaving was a mistake, then make it right. But don't be hasty, there's no expiry date on this anyway. When you're ready you'll know, i promise. :)

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Hi, guys!

I've been wanting to write this post for days and days but somehow i haven't had time.

I just wanted you to know that i'm "closing" this blog, since my au pair experience is done for. I won't deactivate because i like keeping my memories, but i won't update it anymore so i guess you can unfollow or whatever. 

If you still want to know how i'm doing, i am superactive on my personal blog (a lot of korean stuff over there though, so make sure you can take it). Otherwise thank you for following me through out this busy emotional confusing but satisfying 2012.

I am going back to England on the 5th of January to get my National Insurance, then i'll spend a few months in Italy to help my dad with stuff and then i'll try to make my plan come true by hopefully finding a good job in London and move there again.

The thing is i didn't have a problem with England at all. I was just unlucky with my host family (my host mom sent me one last email last week, after the agency asked her to stop contacting me to get money from me, saying "i hope you can live with the lies you've given me and the mistrust conceded"...It's such a long story, i don't even think you would care to know but it was just plain absurd that she got mad at me).

Anyway although i'm scared that the second part of my plan will not go well either, i don't want to walk past that door. It's just not the way i want to live, i decided. Regret is a tormenting bitch. u.u

So yeah, i hope i didn't ruin your "au pair dream" if you have one. And if you went through this experience while i was living it, i hope i helped you somehow. Either way, thank you for reading my nonsensical complaints all this while. \o/

[diary-of-an-aupair]

2012.10.22 Departure

When i left my country i was crying because i didn’t know what was waiting for me. Now i’m sitting here inside the terminal, waiting for my check in desk to open, and i feel like crying because i know what i found and how much it’s given me and i have to leave it all behind without having even had enough time to enjoy it. I feel like crying so much that my eyes actually get watery and i have to wipe them dry not to look like a weirdo. I know i’m going back to my family but a part of me can’t help it but tormenting itself with the evidence that my plan, my dream is failing. Sure, i like to think i had to do this to meet the people i met and find older acquaintances again. I am overwhelmed by how much i care about Mai right now. But that’s the point, if only i didn’t make a mistake in my host family choice i wouldn’t be at this airport right now. It’s difficult to believe you’re tough enough when you're going home, difficult to say you've done your best when you had to quit. Unfair to leave behind a place that still saves you when you feel broken inside. Unbearable to say bye to friends who won't get to save you when you will be too far away. It's difficult because through the bitterness i still see this country as my dreamland and myself as a fighter who achieved a lot on this adventure, yet i know i need to leave now and that just makes all the confidence fade away. Not that i don't want help or i am not looking forward to be back to my world. It's just that of all the things i wished from this journey that was meant to be the beginning of my life, i feel like i've gained almost nothing and i wasn't strong enough to wait a little longer to see if i was right, about myself and about this challenge.

[diary-of-an-aupair]

2012.10.19 Drawing conclusions

I'm leaving the house in less than 12 hours and that gives me conflicting emotions.

I moved out of my home two months and two days ago. So much is different, so much is better, so much is the same. Two months ago i was filled with the excitement of growth, of independence, of self-challenge. I was diving into my dream, charged with a sturdy refusal to fail or give up. That determination wasn't enough and sometimes when i think about it i feel disappointed because i really don't want to be a quitter, but somehow i always end up playing that role. At the same time though i can look back and be proud of myself.

I must have mentioned this in every post since i started this blog, that living away from my safe familiar world is one of my greatest fears and tests i've ever forced myself to face. And for a few days at the beginning i thought i couldn't overcome that after all, that i had to go home because i missed my family too much. Back then i pushed myself on because i had no plans otherwise and i was still strong enough to survive against my weaknesses. Two months later i'm damaged somewhere inside my head, yet i can honestly admit homesickness - the homesickness that represented the rockiest obstacle to my departure - is not what defeated me.

No matter how bad this experience turned out for me, no matter how many harsh comments i'll have to put up with when i meet my aunt and other relatives, deep down i know that despite i haven't got until the end with my plan, i've still grown up a little bit, ridiculing one of my most vivid Boggarts.  Maybe that's why i had to come here, not to bond with strangers the way i did when i was in Mississippi, but just to add a small piece to the big puzzle of my self-knowledge.

England is still my dream, i still love english people the best for their way to be instantly close to random strangers in the streets. This path i chose was just not the one that would lead me to the realization of that dream, i guess. And though sometimes i feel like two months were nothing and i have actually achieved nothing and if i'm going back home i'm basically wasting one year of efforts, a little elf inside my head can't help but reminding me i've been brave and strong, the way i've always hoped and needed to know that i could be.

And i've learned that despite how touchy and fussy i am, i need peace in my life, i need understanding people, quiet environments, long sleeps and unlimited food to be happy and consistent. I've learned that loneliness is my hugest fear more than i didn't already imagine. I've learned that children need a couple of hours a day to be children. I've learned to comprehend why my mom is always so nervous when she works all day and my brother and i forget to respect her efforts. I've learned that everything i think i am is true and i care about it too much to let anything ruin it. I've learned that i care too much about myself to abandon to pain. I've learned that i'm a fighter after all, even though i don't yell at people despite they deserve it.

I've done so much in these two months: meeting people i will never forget, seeing places i actually regret leaving as they've been my daily reality for weeks, the HP studios and then London just one train ride away. London, that sparked off this dream and offered a shelter from the nightmare. London, that was exactly like i remembered it, welcoming me with arms wide open and giving me confirmation that i am home here as long as i'm with her.

I'm going back home a lot wiser and yet just the same as when i left. Which is a great achievement for me, since i dread losing myself more than i dread losing somebody. And i dread losing somebody a lot. These two months healed me from a painful weight that chased me down for almost two years now, losing my best friend. Now i can honestly say i don't care a bit about her anymore because i've learned there's much worse in life than hurting over someone you did your best to protect when all they wanted was just to lie in their trouble because it's easier than standing up for yourself. There's the terror of not having one single comforting thought that could save you from a desperation you can't explain yourself, there's physical pain, there's the helplessness of knowing you could lose your parents any day right when you can't even hold their hands one last time. There was much more in life than not hanging out with someone who'd been lying to you for you don't even know how long, after all.

See, on those days when i couldn't sleep and cried and screamed in my car because my "bff" didn't want me anymore, i thought that was the hardest crap i could ever go through in life. But in these two months it's become more and more difficult to open my eyes in the morning or close them in the night, getting up and walking out of a room that's not really mine, living with people who never even tried to appreciate you and feeling the excruciating suffocating length of days ahead. Have i blamed my best friend when i was at my worst? Yes, because if nothing changed i would have never considered leaving my country and i wouldn't have started having panic attacks again. But if i ever decided she deserves me to thank her for anything, i would thank her for this because as much as these weeks have sucked out of me, they've also confirmed all my principles, affections and beliefs.

I have the most incredible parents in the world who don't care a bit if they look overprotective if they see i'm feeling horrible and they would never make me feel like i'm failing because they know i try. One of the most beautiful things to hear these days was my dad's "you've got this bad because you've tried to resist too long". And i have friends who actually think about me when i'm not around and would "cross over the sea" to honor the importance my birthday has for me and for them.

I am rich, guys. I feel rich. Rich in spirit, rich in values, rich in love. Rich in life. And i don't care how long it takes me to find my path, as long as i have myself the way i am now i promise i will never disappoint this person that was built through so many hardships, unfairness and wealth. 

[diary-of-an-aupair]

2012.10.13 The other side of the coin

Bipolar post on the way.

Not sure if it's becoming annoying to you to hear it, but i woke up panicking today, even though yesterday night i felt completely strong and sane and fine. I tried to chase the bad thoughts away by breathing and repeating my dad's words in my head and convincing myself two months is just two months. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. And i couldn't fall asleep anymore because it was 9am and i wasn't sleepy. So i just texted my mom and asked her if she could come online. And when she did i just started crying.

You know, in those moments i'm not even sure why i feel like this and i get scared the cause is not only my misery in this house but something deeper. I worried that the reason might be my inability to be away from my house and i worried that it won't go away when i go back home because if you put up with it for two months, how do you know when it's becoming part of you, this desperation?

So my mom did the only thing moms do: she picked up the phone and called my agency, the one back in Italy. I didn't want her to, because i didn't want to be saved by my mom like a kindergartener, but i'm glad she did because now i have another small hope.

Gaia (remember Gaia? The unorganized lady who took care of my application last spring?) said that if i'm so sick i absolutely cannot be forced to stay here for two months. She also said that my host mom shouldn't pay another fee for a replacement and that as long as i do my duties, she's not allowed to pay me less than agreed to get back the money "she spent on me". Because by the way, this morning my host mom knocked on my door to give me my weekly pay and instead of 70£ she gave me 40, with some explanations about future payments written on a piece of paper.

She wants to get back the money she spent on my au pair course (which i never did because she realised it was rubbish), travel expenses to pick me up at the airport (which she can't claim back because it's written on the contract that the families have to go to the airport or train station), first aid training (which was compeltely her idea) and my driving lessons (which were useless because i'm not driving). Basically, until the half of November i'm getting 40£ a week or less, while according to the au pair statute is "illegal" as an au pair can't be paid less than 60£ a week.

The thing is...i might not be here in November. Because Gaia said she could find a replacement in two weeks. Even one week if i needed to, but if i can resist a little longer they can limit the damage.

She wants to talk to me on Monday, but i really hope she can make this plan come true because i know i'll wake up feeling sick again but somehow thinking "just two weeks" is more helpful than "just two months".

I was in the shower this morning and i thought about this whole situation. I don't even care a bit about how Florence will react (well, actually i'm worried she might become unbearable but again, "just two weeks" will keep me going and anyway she's never worried about me, not even now that i'm sick), i just hate having given up again. I mean, i'm not giving up for lazyness, i know that and it makes me proud. And i've really really tried to fight in these two months. But i'm leaving my plan halfway through. Like i did with university, my journalism dream, korean and so many other things in my life. Yet again, i thought about that thing everybody says: "it's better to try and fail than to wonder what could have been". And i saw myself in ten years, maybe living in some rotten tiny apartment in my boring rude hometown, looking back at this period and hopefully telling myself "it didn't work out but i did my best".

Back to my day, though. I ended my Skype call with my parents feeling a little better (as usual) then i decided i just had to go out of this house. Even if i was supposed to meet this girl at 2pm and it was only 10am, i couldn't sit in my room alone. So i just got ready, took the bus and went to Chatham. For no reason, just to take a walk around, see happy people, relax and be myself like Marleen said. I had lunch at McDonald's playing Bubble Shooter on my phone and i wished i could sit there like that forever. Then i took the bus to Borstal and went to meet Sarah.

And guys. She has everything i hoped to get from my au pair experience. It struck me to walk into her house and find myself in the hugest entrance hall. I'm so used to this narrow hole i live in, that whenever i am in a room where you can actually lie on the floor i get surprised. Her host mom, Anne, is the nicest woman ever. She made me some tea, listened to my problems, told me about her previous au pairs, encouraged Sarah about her english (she just started studying the language, indeed sometimes she spoke to me in french because she didn't know how to explain things to me). We went out to buy some bread and Sarah wanted to pay, but her host mom gave her the money and then said "we have the strangest conversations every week, she thinks that when she wants to eat something she has to pay for it". And they have a golden retriever and a cat. I missed Tim so much when i stroked their cat and felt her wet nose against my hand. While Tiffany (like SNSD \o/), the dog, kept putting her muzzle on my lap and she had these amber eyes that made me want to cry whenever i looked at them.

The house has three floors (which is not great if you have to clean yourself) but so many rooms, wide bright tidy rooms. Sarah's living my dream. And i told her. But i think in a way the timing was great, because if i ever decide to try this au pair thing again i will know there is someone better than my host family out there. I'm glad we spent the whole afternoon in the house, because i need that sense of quietness and armony. Even if it doesn't belong to me, it made me feel better to just sit in the middle of it.

Tomorrow i'm in London again, the thought of which calms me down instantly. Then it will be Monday again and i will probably feel horrible again, but let's just all sit in circle, hold hands and pray for "just two weeks".

[diary-of-an-aupair]

I come from a skyping night with my dad and i just want to cry at how helpful he is.

He could give me such a complete plausible explanation and solution to my problems that i just feel so much lighter.

I've been having mini panic attacks the whole day, even though it wasn't as bad as yesterday. And sometimes i couldn't figure out how to go through another day and then another and another though i know i have to and i'm not going to give up because that's just not who i am. Don't worry. But he just said i shouldn't care a bit about how my host mom reacts because at this point these two months are just a period of time that has to pass and i don't need to share anything with this person i'm living with until Xmas because we just don't match and we'll never meet again, that i should focus on the after already and so on.

And for some reasons when he says that it makes more sense. I mean, i've been telling myself the same things for two days but whenever i stopped moving and being busy, i just felt horrible. Then he comes and talks and everything is fixed.

He also said he hopes i'm simply processing yesterday's effects still and that in a few days i'll feel better, just to live these two months as quietly as possible.

I don't know where i would be without my family. I swear. Now i can go to bed and actually be confident i'll have a good night. Let's hope for a good day as well. \o/

Hwaiting, Menu!!! 

[diary-of-an-aupair]

It's Sasha off twitter sending you these messages. I'm the one who wants to au pair next year in Germany and I was originally going to delete my twitter and so you gave me your email (do you remember?) I'm so pleased that I'm making you feel better about the whole situation and there's no need to thank me :)

Oh god, hi!!! Yes, i remember!! :DDD I was wondering how you were doing. But no, really, thank you for the support! 

How is your plan going?

[diary-of-an-aupair]

Anon, i really really want to know who you are, because waking up to these messages is one of the biggest sources of strength i have at the moment. You're like that part of my brain i have trouble to let surface at times, the confident part. You're saying everything i think but that i don't always believe because i focus too much on failures or disappointments or whatever we wanna call them.

Thank you!!!