diary-of-you

[diary-of-you]

November 15, 2019

(2:30am) I love you so much I feel I can only get through without collapsing because of the denial. I broke up with you but it wasn’t real or solid or frankly healthy and I know it. I just don’t want to let you go, you made it so hard. It’s terrible when the person you love doesn’t see what they deserve. I know this is your low, I’ve seen you here before and I loved you through it then and I love you possibly more for it now. I’m sure it’s twisted but every time we have a fight and need space when we wind up back together it feels better than ever. But I also just looked through the photos from when I came to visit. There was 1 photo with you smiling of the dozens I have. You aren’t happy when you are with me. I hope that you discover it’s a you thing because I want nothing more than to pick up where I left off and love you with everything I have. You make me feel so many things, some of them is happiness yes but also at this point every other emotion out there. I don’t think that we are meant to be apart forever, there is something in me with this sureness that it’s gunna work out. I always have faith in you. I picked you and that doesn’t mean nothing.

Goodnight. I love you.

(10:15am) My thoughts and dreams are telling me I did the right thing.

(9:16pm) Do you think about what happens if we don’t fix this? Meeting someone new seems like a terrifying thought to me. I feel like you are the only person I want. I want to follow you to the end of the earth. Perhaps that’s an issue.

[diary-of-you]

November 16, 2019

I feel primarily love for you tho also sadness. You are the man I’ve placed above all else and talking with my grandmother, perhaps the only person who knows clearly my feelings for you, I feel like we’ll be okay. I can be the mature one, I can see that you’re working through things and I will continue to love and accept you flaws and all. Together or not you’re worth it all.

[diary-of-you]

November 18, 2019

Sunday was the first day I didn’t cry about you. I didn’t try to text you. Though I did spend so much time thinking about you. I wonder if you are missing me... someone asked me today how we are and it honestly felt so shitty being like were great thanks! but at the same time there are some people that just don’t need to know my business. Anyways, my point was today I was okay. I know that I have things I’m working towards. I’ll be fine.

[diary-of-you]

November 19, 2019

(7:39am) Yesterday was another day without talking to you. I cried yesterday. And I told my mom that we were fighting, she guilted me into sharing some information because she could tell I was upset and implied that I was intentionally hiding something from her, which I was. I just said we were having a tough time. She started the conversation by asking me if I thought I’d be moving to California. I’ve gotta say, if the days keep passing and I hear nothing... I’m going to give up on you and make my own plans. Please don’t make me do that. I feel a bit hallow this morning.

(9:35am) Can’t seem to get myself out of bed. Thought maybe if I came while thinking about you I’d be slightly motivated but all I want to do is lay here until either you call me or suddenly I just will you to appear so we can make love and make up.

(3:09pm) Fighting off a panic attack so hard. I have work in less than an hour, I don’t have enough time to recuperate if I lose it now. I spent my day thinking about you, thinking about us. I’m heartbroken. You have definitely broken my heart and and the moment I can be the only one to fix it. Though I love you so completely.

(11:23pm) I texted you and asked you to play tonight. I couldn’t stop myself I was feeling so miserable inside that outside I was feeling sick. I came home and showered and I knew if I simply dangled the hook in your face you’d bite and bite you did. Fuck I love you. I want to wait, I want to make this work. I love you with all of my heart and my pussy. I miss the way you make me feel, the way you make me moan. You turn me on so much I love your lips and yours hands all over my body. I love you.

[diary-of-you]

November 20, 2019

(11:45am) I think I’m try to distract myself from the heartbreak by chasing the Lust instead. I want to fuck you so hard, tho if memory serves I wanted to fuck you into submission during the last break up. Here’s the thing my love.. I want us back together but I need to know it won’t be the same. You need to chose me now and then continue to do that every single day, even when it’s hard. Please come back to me soon. I love you.

(6:01pm) I love you.

(7:57pm) Every time you say you are tired of making me unhappy so you take your space because you think that’s going to fix it but all that does is hurt me more. I don’t want space. I want your effort. I want you to try to make it right. Fuck you for not caring. I’m really starting to hate you for this.

(9:57pm) I have no choice but to accept that it’s over. That I must get back to a better version of me.

[diary-of-you]

November 25, 2019

I hate you for how I feel. It’s been days since you know you ripped my heart open wide and yet you don’t reach out to me in any way. I guess that’s the meaning of a break up. I was hoping you’d miss me, I was hoping you’d feel some sort of remorse and reform. I think you are doing to me what I did to him. I think it might actually be completely over permanently and I’m just in denial. Fuck. Why honey? Just tell me you don’t want me anymore so I’m not wishing I could feel your love.

[diary-of-you]

November 27, 2019

Today makes a full week. I hope you’re happy.

[diary-of-you]

November 28, 2019

(3:03pm) You are the love of my life. I’m sitting over here missing you, wishing I could be spending this holiday letting you know you are loved. Of course I’m mad at you because you are ridiculous and I miss you above all else. I wish I could be loving you , I am from afar.

(7:10pm) I’ve masturbated 4 times today thinking about you. I want to feel your body and hear you moan. I’m so turned on just by thinking of you. Fuck I love you.

[diary-of-you]

November 29, 2019

(9:54am) I woke up with only love for you on my brain.

(10:07am) I just want to tell you I love you. That it doesn’t matter how upset I am because I know that everything we do is out of love. I know this space is because in some way you think you’re hurting me less and I suppose in a way you are because you’ve absolutely whittled my expectations of you down to nothing. How could I possibly get hurt if I expect nothing out of you right? I love you . You’re the only man I want to love. I miss you. It’s going to feel so good when you come home to me and we can fuck.

(11:37pm) I think I’ve been acting so aggressive as a defense mechanism against the wild sadness and loneliness I feel. I miss him so much and every piece of me wants to tell him but I feel like sobbing because I just can’t. I can’t sit here and keep loving and loving him when he can’t even be bothering to give me any in return. It breaks my heart. Isn’t he wondering if I’m okay? Doesn’t he know that I’m not? Doesn’t he want to help me feel better? I just want him. And this childish rant is yet another reason why I can’t. Maybe I need to make myself not need him for awhile. But I’m telling you I dunno why but for half a second before I turned on my light I thought the shape of my pillows was the outline of a human and I thought it was him. I would have burst into happy tears if that was true. I love him so much. I wonder how he’s doing, I wonder what he’s doing. I wonder why even after I stopped sharing my location he didn’t. Fuck. I hate these games.

(11:57pm) There are tear stains on my cheeks tonight. How can you love me and yet think you are doing me any type of good?

[diary-of-you]

December 4, 2019

Dear me,

You will not be moving to California and that’s okay. You need to put school first now. If he wants to win you back and he tries, you don’t have to beat yourself up when you give in. But you can’t force it, you can’t make him give you something he isn’t capable of. You want him to succeed in his career and he can’t do that with you there. You need to focus on enabling yourself to have a career, which will in turn give you peace of mind on how to support yourself. You have a hard work ethic. Stop buying items. Smoke if you must but never put that above education and work. Don’t let the bad outweigh the good, you can always find a light somewhere. Just keep moving forwards.

[diary-of-you]

December 5, 2019

Yesterday you sent me an invite to play while I was working and you knew i wouldn’t be able to resist. I’ve missed your body, I miss the way you adore mine. I miss your tongue all over me and your hands and the way you moan for me. Fuck you. You can’t.

[diary-of-you]

December 6, 2019

I need to give us both a chance to figure out if we want to be together or just be in lust. My heart beats for you. I don’t want to do this again and again though.

[diary-of-you]

December 7, 2019

There are two versions of myself at war right now. One who insists on loving you completely, flaws and all. The other who’s livid at your immaturity and abandonment. Because that’s what you did, you left me.

[diary-of-you]

December 9, 2019

What can I do? I fucking love you.

[diary-of-you]

December 10, 2019

Man are you a mindfuck. I love you eternally.

[diary-of-you]

December 11, 2019

I don’t want to go backwards. I want to grow forwards and I’d love to do it with you. Tomorrow marks four weeks since I called you & we broke up.

[diary-of-you]

December 13, 2019

(11:08am) Already in our lives together I’ve loved dozens of versions of you. Simply looking back through our memories together tells me that. I’ll keep loving you sweetheart. I swear.

(10:13pm) I feel like another person would have said fuck it and left you in the past the moment you stepped away. I like to think I’m bigger than that. I know what struggles you go through, I know the heart you have. I love you endlessly.

(11:16pm) Tonight I asked if your family will think it’s weird if you stay here and you said no because they know how you feel about me. At which point I laughed and said well at least someone does. You are the love of my life.