diarycozyeah

[diarycozyeah]

Day 9. Fucking fuck fuck!

Vary angry. Head hurts. Still almost no food. Getting my ass up to start exercising was much harder than exercising. I wana smoke so much i'm ready to kill someone. Fuck this fucking fuck fuck.

Tomorrow is going to be the same, but a bit more exercises. God, i hope i will find strength to hold my shit together on the shift. I wana get drunk or high to cope with this shit, yet i know that it will just wash my will away so i can't. Fucking fuck. I'm tired of looking for something to do to destruct me from wants and thoughts. Just end me. Fuck!!

[diarycozyeah]

Day 8. Reevaluation.

Okay, i got to start small. First of all since i didn't do much today and didn't eat anything i got nothing to update about this day, i just played game and soon i'll go to sleep.

About my diary. Looks like every time i have time and don't create tasks to accomplish i'm getting sad and self-loathing, so i need to do shit every day, not just lay around and think how much i hate myself for that. I'll try my best to remember that AND act upon this info accordingly. Also i definitely would not be able to by washing machine next month, come on, first of all i need to live next month without this much money problem, i'll think about washing machine next month if i'll be able to keep at least some money up until the end of the month.

Now, about challenges. 2 things i'll start doing: write all my expenses in a table so i could see where money going and start exercising every day. Also i'm quitting smoking cigarettes. Exercising will help with not getting fat from quitting cigs, as well as this will help with expenses. Next month will be hard for sure, but it's only one of the first steps and it's only hard in the beginning, later, when it would become habit to exercise and first week of quitting will pass it for sure will get better. Just got to work hard and don't give up.

Now i'm going to smoke my last cig and try to get some slip, coz i'm actually hungry as fuck. Tomorrow is going to be hard. But first steps are always the hardest one to make.

[diarycozyeah]

Day 7. Week.

It's been a week since i started diary and it feels grate! I do actually feel like i live, not just spend life because i started to remember what happened during days and how i spent them. Tomorrow i'll read about me and think about it, but not today, just like i expected - 1 week, 7 days of diary to reevaluate what i'm thinking about and what am i doing with my life.

I'm afraid i don't have much food left and all of the money are gone, so i want to clean my body by starving today, paycheck could take a couple of days to get to me and first of the month is weekend, so i definitely wouldn't get any money or buy food up to Tuesday. Yet i still have some food to sustain up until Tuesday, i just want to have some stock to be sure about it, that's why today is a hunger day. As well as today i don't have much power or time after second nightshift so it would be a stupid spend to feed myself today, i'm just gona watch some series and maybe drink some tea. Oh, that's right! I can have some tea, maybe with sugar. Good shit.

Tomorrow is first of the month, my challenges to myself starts tomorrow and i will be vary thankful to myself for being prepared for them by writing this diary and keeping food in stock. Again, going back to yesterday's thoughts: i just decided to start diary 1 day, and it's perfectly 7 days up until challenge month, right on time with diary reading for selfmotivation and selfevaluation, and i didn't plan this shit! So all i got to do is work in right direction and God and Life will help with everything else, just do your job to fix your shit and life will come along to help. Feels good man.

[diarycozyeah]

Day 6. Work.

I was too tired after night shift to make a diary entry yesterday, so i'm making one right after i woke up. Yesterday was all right, i worked on my shift, before that i cleaned kitchen and now it is comfortable again to cook. Too bad no money so almost nothing to cook. Yet it's just 3-4 more days and i will get my paycheck, which will fix this problem. I'm still not starving and one of new habits for next month will be putting all my expenses and earnings in table so i could see how much and on what i spent my money. According to internet it's very useful tool to get your shit together.

Looks like i didn't had time to read my entries yesterday or even today, i guess i'll be reading and thinking about it every week, not 5 days. Sometimes i feel like my life gives me correct answers to yet unsolved questions just for free. That is why i completely understand why ppl believe in god, shit just works out so well you can't ignore it's going too well and too smooth for not being designed sometimes. Too bad religions fucked up on making ppl believe in good shit by doing wrong stuff too often, i wish i could find support there, yet i saw that this days it's mostly for making profit on weak, stupid or just very confused ppl. It sucks to believe in something that people usually believe in, yet being unable to trust that ppl around you do actually believe and not just try to convince themselves that they are forgiven for their wrongdoings or just making profit for themselves off of others believe. How come that god is good and love, yet ppl who try to tell you that suck so much almost every time?

[diarycozyeah]

Day 5. Nothing.

I really did nothing today. I slept for half a day coz i didn't wanted to get up. Then i showered in warm water for almost an hour. This is not normal. I need to wake up and do stuff, this is healthy, not stagnation. Tomorrow is my shift on the job, night one, so i need to prepare for it.

Also i think i'll try to challenge myself on getting a couple more useful habits as well as getting rid of some useless one. It's October after all, month for challenging yourself!

And i shouldn't forget to read the week tomorrow, maybe i'll find something about myself on this pages.

[diarycozyeah]

Day 4. Cleaning

Almost forgot to put something in diary. Today was pretty calm, i found new audiobook i wana listen to, washed some clothes and that's it. Not really eventful day. Sometimes it's nice to have a calm day, free from your thoughts even. Tomorrow i'll cook something and wash kitchen so it would be comfortable to cook again.

[diarycozyeah]

Day 3.

Couldn't think of the name for this one. Basically because i did almost nothing today, went to buy some cat food, me food and spent all day watching youtube, waiting for the end of the month to begin new one with some more habits, as long as i keep this one.

Talked to my parents today. They are all right, keep working on houses back in homeland. Really miss them and miss my old home, but probably coz everything was easier back then and i could talk to someone easily.

Gotta think about ways to find people with my interests to talk and meme to on the internet, probably discord. Also checking reddit for interesting communities would be a good idea.

Still lazy to write something in here, yet when i begin thoughts and memories from today just start pouring. I also need to read this stuff every 5 days to remember what i did and what i wrought, i think that would be useful as well.

Also if i want to poste pictures here i got to find something i want to share and keep as a memory, so i gotta make and find beautiful stuff around me to photograph. And my last meal did not deserve that at all. So i need to at least cook myself something good, or walk around and look for beautiful stuff.

Also also need to thing about posting intrusive thoughts and fun\weird things i find on the internet or think about in another blog, just for fun. Come on, it's tumbler, noone's gona judge me.

[diarycozyeah]

Day 2. Thoughts.

God damn it, that wasn't smartest of my decisions. Yet again i dreamed a very colorful dream about importance of friendship over years and how i fucked up by not making good connections with people that waned to do what i like to do. Now i have no idea where to find them and how to make connections.

Funniest part of all this shit: i got everything that i wanted over years: i got a job in a field i can develop, yet where nobody fucking my brain too much with unnecessary shit, just letting me work and do my job that i like. I got a house where i can do absolutely whatever i want, it's mine, i have all rights on it and nobody can take it away from me or tell me that i'm noisy or something like that. I always wanted people to leave me alone coz i can't feel comfortable around people getting too close to me, i always got hurt by people like that, so i pushed away everyone and now i'm all alone and nobody bothers me.

Yet living in your own house on your own land takes significant amount of money, knowledge, time and skills that i don't have. My job takes most part of this time and because i'm not leaving at homeland just leaving here legally takes most of my money. And of course loneliness hurts and i don't understand slightest how to fix it, especially to the level of trust i've seen in other people's relationship.

I should do this in the evening, at least i'm getting some positive reinforcements after day of hard work and some accomplishments that all of this is for something, not nothing.

[diarycozyeah]

Tired. Day 2.

I decided to write my thoughts and today's day tomorrow morning, when i wouldn't be so tired after second 12 hours day. Yet to keep the habit i wanted to write something today, just to make sure i'm doing it every day consistently.

Yet today was a good enough day to live.

[diarycozyeah]

Habit. Day 1.

To make this more practical and useful for me i got to make this a habit, something i got used to do.

So here we go. Today was a normal day for me, i worked hard on my job, i bought some groceries and cooked meal for a couple of days. Damn it, i forgot to take picture of it! I'll remember next time. Still too lazy to fully clean all of my house, too much job for 1 dude in 1 day. At least main room is clear. If i would be able to buy washing machine next month things would get so much easier to clean and fold.

Still have so much shit to do, i gotta update my LinkedIn profile to find a better job, or at least another one, so i could pay bills AND have some money to spend, i gotta get to the capital to make second passport so govners wouldn't deport my ass back to homeland, and i need to prepare for winter, or at the very least clean backyard so i would want to be there. Damn, as a cityboy never expected shit to grow so fast on land, can't keep up with all the trees and bushes and crap that keeps coming up every rainy night!

Also i'm opening this blog for world to read, coz why not.

Some psychological shit: why do i hate everything i do so much? I rewrote "shitty meal" and HALF of this poste coz i hated it, although i didn't write something dumb or embarrassing, i'm just constantly hate or embarrassed of what i'm doing. My food was grate and i'm not so bad cook, why did i tried so hard to say "shitty meal"? Gotta think about it and start loving my shit more, maybe that's one of the reasons i feel so uncomfortable around people. That, and also the fact that i don't speak native language + can't find group for interests coz i myself find my interests childish and embarrassing.

[diarycozyeah]

Hey

Today is as good as any day to start my own diary and practice how to do social stuff. I'll add some notes and maybe photos later.

If i'll make it a habit that would already be one good step to socializing with ppl and getting my life better.