diaryoftheintrovert

[diaryoftheintrovert]

[diaryoftheintrovert]

12/4/18

I’m scared your love isn’t more than a feeling.

That I’m just a large inconvenience that isn’t anything more than what you want.

I don’t want to be just enough.

I want to be more than enough and forever growing.

I want to love and be loved tangibly.

I hate feeling sick and scared of the people around me because of things that have happened in the past.

Anything and everything i have ever done is wrong

I wasn’t ever smart enough

I wasn’t ever the prettiest

I was always the inconvenience

I was always left out

I never felt like I belonged

When I was finally accepted and made to feel at home everything felt like a lie because of how perfect it was

Despite his arms feeling like home I still felt deep down that I was drowning and I would never achieve the level of perfection my parents fought for me to have and I will never claim my crown in heaven because of it

Despite all the jewels I worked for

All the time and effort I spent laboring for the kingdom

For it to be nothing more than a lie

[diaryoftheintrovert]

11/1/18

The clothes I wear are good intentions

Bystanders see negative

They look deeply into the unfit nature of my human body

Analyzing me closely till I am nothing more than the molecules that are closely knit together and produce the very thought that allows this poem to be written on a machine that is said to be the ever changing future we all grow and change

The facility of decision making on the individual basis

To change or to stay the same

To change something is to go beyond the current circumstance and make it new or different

Staying the same is never changing and the laziness behind it all

[diaryoftheintrovert]

11/14/18

… and I thought about this season. the cold winter winds and chilling rains that come with it. as I began to learn that I am only as human as this winter allows me to feel. I faintly feel as if I’ve lived in a dream-like state or hibernation period. everything I’ve allowed to affect me has brought me closer to one assumption. the reality of this life is that we are all broken people who need something. we are all looking for a thing, or a certain fulfillment beyond love and friendship its almost like a spiritual encounter we search for ,but is far from a religious experience. I’m coming to terms with the fact that life is beautiful and the trivial things most people look for are simply never going to fulfill their wants or needs until they learn how to appreciate themselves. the amount of pain and suffering the individual has to endure is determined upon the way one sees their true self. one simply cannot dwell on the misery that was placed upon them by a broken home or a simply heart breaking heritage. the easy way out would be for one to ignore all of the problems that exist. an easy way for one to deal with the casualties that are before them would be to gently remind themselves that life is unpredictable and problems are bound to happen and they shouldn’t directly effect who you become. one does not exist as a perfect individual. one can however exist as a truthful individual. a description of how I have been feeling can be likened to a painter who paints with a dull shade of thin white paint over a textured black canvas. In this scenario the painter has many color options but chooses the easy way out. this painter is made aware by many people that the white painting is a beautiful beginning to a lovely picture ,yet the painter cannot move past the textured black that protrudes through the thin layer of white. the colors represent the potential I have as an artist and my willingness to pursue my potential. one large take away from my self reflection today is simply this: selfishness is not an excuse to withhold art. i cannot be scared to make things because they aren’t what my parents want me to make. I cannot put off writing poetry or making music or  painting because I’m not making art for anyone but myself. I will not allow myself to fall victim to a longer creative depression then what I have already been enduring. Today I pledge to myself and to all of the people that love and care for me that I will become the artist I am capable of becoming. I will share things that aren’t to be talked about and I will move the souls of people who need it most. Art isn’t selfish. Art always gives something away wether it be something tangiable or a feeling.

[diaryoftheintrovert]

7/30/17

There is this part of me that longs to belong. It's like I've always felt so out of place and I know I'll never fit in ,but yet I still want to. I usually doubt myself ,and my abilities. I'm scared of where my future will take me. Truth be told I'm scared of change. I'm terrified of losing my innocence and my naivety. I know I'm capable of more than I could ever imagine. The thing is when we are little we are told to dream big. When we grow older we learn that the harsh reality is that time is moving quickly and we aren't capable of being what we wanted to be. Most kids will not be president, or an astronaut or even a movie star. Instead we get "normal" jobs; make minimum wage and struggle to pay rent. We fall down and cut our knees. We are not as invincible as our mothers told us we were. Here's to being perfectly imperfect.

[diaryoftheintrovert]

7/22/17

I have yet to find a day I haven’t left the confines of my bedroom. The four walls are closing in on my sanity. All I want is to love and be loved

[diaryoftheintrovert]

7/7/17

feeling numb still... counting calories still... 

[diaryoftheintrovert]

6/22/17

When asked if I'm alright. I say yes, I'm fine. It's becoming manageable to live like I do. As sad as it is I realize that it's just simply chemically and I'll never get better unless I go on medicine. Its better to feel pain than nothing at all. The opposite of love is indifferent.

[diaryoftheintrovert]

[diaryoftheintrovert]

A cocoon of warmth A canapé of affection The bones I have are just screaming for release of tension and my head feels like it will explode one more moment of meaningless time and I swear I’ll leave this earth and assume the position I think I deserve in the stars above oh how I’d love to float up above the world so high without a care here on earth is where my problems lie I roam this earth have this fate where I will become a cadaver and in the end I just want to be happy like anyone else two cars in my garage one job easy manageable shifts a real husband who genuinely loves me maybe a dog or one sweet child that I’ve adopted I realize I’m loved by a heavenly being and a multitude of heavenly hosts this too shall pass

[diaryoftheintrovert]

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUefAFoAXmR/

[diaryoftheintrovert]

[diaryoftheintrovert]

@alixelay

[diaryoftheintrovert]

6/18/17

Today I've left my bed and went out with a friend. I'm going to a movie and to grab coffee. Fingers crossed all is well.🤞🏻

[diaryoftheintrovert]

[diaryoftheintrovert]

6/17/17

There is a difference between depression and sadness. Today I'm feeling relatively depressed, not sad. Depression is like a storm cloud that never rains. It's heavy and dark you can hardly see clearly. Sadness is a brief rainstorm you will eventually get through. Depression ,however, comes and goes as it pleases. Depression for me is when I space out a majority of the day, and I sleep as often as possible to avoid feeling heavy. Often times, on days like today, sit down at my piano and make up melodies that feel like what I hear in my head. I could cry on days like today, but decide it's pointless like everything else. I try and pray ,but it feels off and exhausting. My hope is always for a better tomorrow. This feeling of depression and hopelessness will pass, I believe it.

[diaryoftheintrovert]