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dieeinsamkeitderprokrastination · 1 year ago

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Forgive me father, for I have sinned

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dieeinsamkeitderprokrastination · 1 year ago

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dieeinsamkeitderprokrastination · 3 years ago

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I don’t think I spend a lot of time in the now. Sometimes I catch myself drifting away, but most times I don’t even realize it until I’m a novels worth deep into some story in my mind. I tune out everything while still thinking I’m mentally present. I don’t think I have been mentally present for much of my life. Even now as I am writing this my mind wanders to the times where I caught myself slipping away.

Consciousness is truly a strange thing and I have to say I don’t really know what it feels like. What does it mean? Does it mean not having any other thoughts while listening to a person? Like, my skin is itchy, this tag is bothering me, am I making the right faces? what did I eat yesterday, what would my character do in this situation.

My characters. None of them really are me but all of them are what I want to be. It seems I have started to give them a personality that closer resembles mine then I used to. They used to be broody and mysterious, cold and not very talkative. All things I am not.

Hot headed and can’t seem to keep my damn mouth shut. At least that’s what I’m often told. It all seems pointless sometimes, but truth is I like hearing myself talk and sometimes others just don’t have anything interesting to say. That’s not my fault, not everyone can be worth my time.

See, now I have done it again. Switched topics without a second thought didn’t even realize it. Fun. Weird. I don’t get myself. Not entirely. I think I’m close though. I’m getting older and I’m scared of that but its getting to a point where I think I’m okay with it.

I still have a lot of dreams and wishes and I hope I get to fulfill them all one day. Maybe not as soon as I had hoped but hey, what gives?

I don’t spend a lot of time in the now because the now scares me, it overwhelms me and I am bad at being in the now. No one understands how I emote and it feels like pressing buttons in an aliens spaceship without knowing what they do, setting off random torpedos. Sometimes they hit and I’m not always sorry, because like every human I think I’m right.

I hate quickly and love slowly. There are people out there I would kill for but not many I would die for. I hope that makes sense.

The now. Now. NOW. What does that even mean. Isn’t the little world inside my head also now? Is it so bad to go there? To just flee? I guess at least it’s what the internet tells me and people around me get creeped out by my vacant stares.

I’m not fully there. Never. CONCENTRATE! How? There’s a lot going on and I’m busy. Not really busy but you know busy in my head. There are thoughts to be thought, stories to build, dreams to be had. If I concentrate I’ll just realize how boring everything is and difficult and I’ll cry again. Close to crying right now. Very close. Any moment now. Now. Now. Now.

Still not here yet. My mind is preventing it. If I catch myself I try to return but it gets increasingly difficult. There now the first tear has dropped. I think this is just PMS mania but still.

My IPad is close to dying which is frustrating I still want to write. I always want to write but I never really can. I’ll probably never finish any of the books and stories I have started. It’s frustrating but…well it’s just that actually.

Now I’m in the now? No, not really. My head hurts a bit actually as if I was raising my eyebrows but I’m not. It feels like someone is trying to pull my brain back out but they’re only semi successful. It hurts. Physically. Which seems impossible, no?

I miss my friends. I’m happy where I am now, at least it feels like that and everybody tells me I look so much better which is telling of how awful I must’ve looked these past years. I felt awful. I wanted to kill myself.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking it. I. Want. To. Kill. Myself. But it’s not really true anymore. Now it feels more like a reflex to get out of difficult situations I don’t wanna do. Laziness if you will. More than that I guess.

Has anybody killed themselves out of laziness? I don’t think so. I guess it makes you feel stuck and by taking your own life you don’t have to disappoint people directly to their face. Just Irish goodbye the whole shit show.

Please don’t do that by the way. It takes away your only chance of finding happiness. And yeah I know what you’re thinking but no I’m not gonna give you the whole spiel of “it will get better”. I didn’t believe it either when I was stuck in the murky waters of depression. Heck I’m still kinda stuck in them or at least I find myself crossing through sometimes. Just like right now. Live with it, embrace it and get through it. That is the only way there is no other. Get help. I did and it changed a lot for me.

But you know, I’m sure you’ll find a way. I hope you do.

Still stuck. But maybe that’s okay for now. I made it half out of murky waters, next will be dreamland. I just need to get rid of this feeling that dreamworld is my personality. Because I’m afraid it’s not. It’s probably some misplaced coping mechanism I have learned as a child to escape difficult situations or something. Man, I should really be seeing my therapist for a session.

The art of escapism. I used to dive into books for that until they couldn’t give me what i wanted and needed anymore and my brain decided that reading was entirely to exhausting. I cant really read anymore without throwing a tiny tamper tantrum. I always give up then.

It’s exhausting having to fight your brain for the most simplest things. I guess that’s why I don’t fight and just let myself slip away. It’s sad really. I don’t even get to live my life I just get to watch from the sidelines. It feels like my life is the commercial breaks in an endless stream of thoughts and nonsense.

It’s noisy inside my head and cramped. There is not a single second where there isn’t anything going on up there. Many people say their brain turns of during sport or their favorite activity but mine just keeps on babbling. There is no activity, no place, no song where it’s just off.

I long for silence but it is not given to me. I have to live with myself and my constant world building and if I’m not doing that or working I’m scrolling through endless hell.

Quick consumer of videos and garbage. I buy so many things to fill holes that i don’t think exist anymore, but it used to be a quick fix to my troubles so I still do it. I buy toys mostly, shiny things to fill my room with and keep my brain momentarily entertained. Surprise toys, miniatures, dolls. My room looks like that of a 10 year old. And I feel like one most of the time.

I don’t feel like a grown up. Not at all. I do things grown ups do, like work but still. I feel like a child and my needs are that of a child. I want sweets and toys and stories and constant entertainment. My mother said she cant remember the last time she was bored. I am bored constantly.

It feels foul and heavy and is just so annoying. Tings bore me pretty quickly and I never learn. I spend money on all the items of my newly found obsession only to throw it all out three years later at max after half a year minimum. I lose interest just as quick as I gained it.

I am a consumer. I am the consumer. Every corporates wet dream. Buy all our shit! Yes! Wait no boring! No problemo, here’s that new shit! Nice! And it just goes on and on and on. I like things I am a material person but I also hate things and the chokehold it has on me. But I’m to stressed to rid me of that habit now. But my time will come where I will purge my shopping addiction.

I have been writing for a while now. I should head to bed. I am sorry. I hope your doing well. Don’t be like me and hydrate properly or whatever you say as encouragements for mentally ill strangers on the internet. I am such a stranger. But don’t bother. I am fine, it’s all working out and things are moving. Have a good one, see ya.

#tw: depression #tw: sui thoughts #my thougts #text post #lonely

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dieeinsamkeitderprokrastination · 4 years ago

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