dinitaputri

[dinitaputri]

On changes

The last one year is like a massive transformation for me. And somehow I know that this process is still continuing this year.

Do you remember the shy and quiet me? I speak more often now.

Do you remember the people-pleaser me? I can bravely (and more easily) say no now.

Do you remember the reserved and poker-faced me? I am more expressive now. Still with my poker face, but I say things that I wanted to say. I no longer keep things for me and holding back my emotions.

Do you remember the overthinking me? I give less flying fuck now.

Do you remember the insomniac me? I can take naps during the day and get a 6-7 hours of sleep at night now. WITHOUT sleeping pills.

Do you remember the anxious me? I also give less flying fuck now. It is what it is.

Do you remember the flat and emotionless me when I've given tough times? I stand up and process all of my emotions now.

Do you remember the 'nice' me? I criticised (in a good manner) things more openly now.

Do you remember the pushover me? I can live my life according to my own decisions now.

Do you remember the weak me? I do all kinds of exercises and pay more attention to my diet now.

Do you remember the perfectionist me? I do my best and let the universe do the rest now.

Do you remember the jittery and fidgety me? I can do yoga Nidra meditation and sit still for 30 minutes now.

Do you remember the insecure me? I embrace everything I am now.

Do you remember the petite and skinny me? I gained 3kgs and no longer under-weight now.

Do you remember the lack of confidence me? I feel good in my own skin now.

--

A lot have changed. And I can feel it. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. My physics changed, my features changed, my way of thinking changed, my view of the world changed, how I carry myself changed, my circle of friends changed, my relationships changed.

Such a journey to shed your own skin and letting go of things and people that no longer serves you. It was painful.. it needs a lot of self-love and self-reflection to beat the shit out of that self-doubts.

I was thinking of a snake, who is changing skin once in a while. But this is more like a phoenix. I burned my old-self to ashes - using the pain, trauma, disappointments, and doubts as fuels to light the fire.

I met someone at the end of 2023 who told me that I need to ground myself more as my whole earth is going to shake. If the self is a ground, I am having a massive earthquake, a mega thrust even. She told me to hold on tight on my core values and principles and to take good care of my health and wellbeing. At first I didn't really understand. I know 2024 will be crazy busy, but I thought it is only about work.

Little that I know, my whole self was in a turbulence. Work, friendship, relationship, family, everything. I lost myself for a while. As you can see from my previous post where I said I feel like I don't know me.. I feel like losing my identity as me. That was me inside the blazing fire that is burning all the old me.

I came out of the fire now. Recreating my own self, with my new perspectives on life, new ideas of what I want and need, new approach to embracing this one and only life, new routines, new people surrounding me.

How does it feel?

Surreal.

Looking back, I went through a lot, emotionally and physically. And I can still maintain my daily life, even got recognition in my work? How the hell did I do all that? I don't know. I guess you can't really process it all while you yourself is in the fire.

Changes are inevitable; and to live means to change. And I am super grateful, and blessed, and humbled to get to experience all this. The pain matters. It does.

So, what remains?

I still prefer to stay at home.

I still prefer books over movies.

I still love animals.

I still believe in the divine. whatever it is. in whatever forms and energy.

I still believe in kindness and compassion.

I still like beautiful things.

I still believe that self-love and working on yourself is important.

I still believe that we are all connected.

Everything else can change. but those things remain.

With the current crazy world situation, I think one of the best ways that I can contribute to it is to look inwardly. What can I do? what do I have? How can I make a change and making the world a little better with what I have? Instead of just following other people's idea and feeling FOMO, looking inward and work on yourself is I think, the most important thing.

This is another year of transformation, I fear. I'm still a baby phoenix, maybe. Do I have the strength? I do, I always do. I know I always do. It's just sometimes it takes me longer to find it inside.

Do you know what I miss the most from all these changes? I miss the poetic me.

I was reading all my notes from 2016-2020, and looking at all my paintings from 2019ish until 2021. It was full of melancholy, but beautifully poetic. I wondered how on earth did I get the inspiration to write like that..

Why am I not like that anymore? I really miss the poetic me.

Now, I feel like I don't have time to be as poetic as I was, unfortunately. Too many things needing attention at the moment. I can't easily wander and write poems, or think about the quintessentials of the world and let it flow to words on my notes, or take my painting kit and just stroke my brush while listening to my favourite music. It's not as easy now.

I need to deliberately and intentionally do that - which for me, is missing the point of being poetic.

I guess there's too many distractions now.

Or that side of me is in hiding. Perhaps she knows the world needs another me - a more practical and upfront me. A less melancholic me.

But I will keep the poetic me safe inside. I know she'll come back around in better form and at the right time. Hopefully soon.

[dinitaputri]

On quiet leadership (and other random things)

"that's the way every day goes, every time we've no control, if the sky is pink and white, if the ground is black and yellow"

Been a while since i listened to that song. I used to play guitar to it. It used to accompany me in my sleepless nights back in 2016-2017. It used to accompany me as i strolled the streets of London, letting my mind go into this secret place in my brain filled with wonder and hope and... a little bit of hopelessness.

This post is not about that. The song was just playing when i started writing, and my fingers just automatically type the lyrics. Frank Ocean always got me.

I have not been feeling well lately. As most of the posts on this blog, I write when I need to pour it all out and when I got stuck. For the past month, I got sick on weekends and surviving by a thread on weekdays. Many, many, many, times I am thinking to quit. Quit my work. Quit everything. And start from scratch.

I have always thought that identity is fluid. it changes. what remains are your values and principles. And i am feeling that fluidity now. i am not here nor there. i am this lady, but also that lady. But i don't want to be that lady, i want to be this lady. but who is this lady? It's confusing. At times, i even gaslight myself and questioned myself. how sad is that!

What were the triggers? I have no idea. I don't think this happen all of a sudden. I maybe just ignore the fact that i am not okay and just survive because that's what i am supposed to do. Live life, hustle, work, mingle. And these past months, I don't feel like doing all of that with all of me. I just did it because. Then I gaslight myself that I'm so mediocre, then i talk to myself that it's okay. The world is a lot. Even if i only doing it just because, at least i'm doing it.

But it's been a while. I feel like a zombie. A high-functioning zombie. and it's scary.

OK. This post is not about that either.

I was actually wanting to write about the role at work that I am responsible in at the moment, and it got me thinking about the 'leadership' quality and what almost all of the successful people in the world has, that i am very much lacking of. That is, extroversion.

As I am exposed more to the management world, a global world, I realised that it incentivises those who are loud, out there, speaking up, using their voice, showing themselves, shiny, and all of those things. I realised more and more that there is very, VERY little space and recognition for those who are more quiet, who doesn't like talking as much, who feels enough just doing their thing and complete their responsibility, throwing ideas whenever necessary, and showing up just enough for them and not to gain attention. Very little space. Oftentimes these people are doing as good as a job, thinking as great as a thought, and working as hard as the loud ones. But they aren't being rewarded for that, or less rewarded, because they aren't seen more. How sad!

I thought the people close to me could change that. But i also realised that it is not easy to change a system that has been ingrained in the world for so so long. What more that history can tell us about the shiny people who rise to the top? they are the outspoken, loud, and if you take it to the extreme side, megalomaniac.

As one who is more on the quieter side, I feel like there's little room for me there. Easily, the loud and shiny will take the space more - regardless of the quality of their work. And this isn't about the quality of work that i'm talking about, it's about how the world is functioning to applaud the loud and silence the silent.

I have to work harder, using up my energy to stand up more, be a little louder, more confronting, polishing my work so it looks shinier. I don't like that. I don't like that sometimes people polish their work rather unimportantly that it loses its true meaning.

Anyway, so.. how do we do quiet leadership? is there such thing as that? in this loud world, especially.. could it be happening? I'm sure there are some, but of course, they are hidden. I'd love to understand how quiet people does leadership and management, without having to be so loud. And i am not trying to understand how to be louder - that is not me, and if you want to change how the world function, trying to be louder is not the way - i think. On the contrary, we should create more spaces for these quieter people, recognise them, and - this is the most important thing - understand that just because they are less shiny, doesn't mean that they mean less.

I am thinking about artists, writers, magnificent artists and writers. Most of the times they are quiet people. They don't show up as much, but their creation speaks for them. Is this where the quieter people go? Not leading people through loud voices and actions, but through creations that touch the soul - in paintings, in books, in sculptures, in tangible object through art that touches human's emotions, in silence?

Maybe?

[dinitaputri]

serenity up in the mountain.

that is the goal. that is the mindset.

[dinitaputri]

on listening and seeing

a lot of people wanting to be seen,

but i only have two eyes.

a lot of people wanting to be listened to,

but i only have two ears.

we all just wanted to be seen. to be listened to.

what is the problem?

the problem is, the world has only so much eyes to see all of us,

and so much ears to listen to all of us.

the problem is, oftentimes we don't want to see ourselves. we rely on others to see us, for us.

the problem is, oftentimes we ignore ourselves, we don't listen to what the self is telling us. we rely on others to listen to us, for us.

and some people need more than two eyes to see them; and more than two ears to listen to them... they refuse to see and listen to themselves, and take other people's eyes and ears.

that is the problem.

it's not that we're lacking eyes to see and ears to listen. it is the lacking of eyes and ears to listen to ourselves, first.

[dinitaputri]

on people and competition

It was Ramadan last month, a time where people used to get together, a time for connecting, reconnecting, and celebration. And all of that involves people, lots of people.

I didn’t attend any of the Ramadan event this year, not even one. Last year I think I attended one or two. Aside from the conflicting schedule, i also didn’t make time for it, and perhaps I just don’t feel like it.

Since December 2022, I had two/three reunion invitations to which I didn’t attend as well. Same reason, conflicting schedule, but also because perhaps I just don’t try that hard to make the schedule work.

These past few months I’ve been spending a lot of time in my apartment. I don’t meet a lot of people, I don’t ask people to meet as much. I can even stay inside my apartment for four days straight - not even stepping out an inch from my apartment door.

Is it bad? I don’t know.

I feel like it’s the thing that I wanted to do now. Maybe I am in need of a downtime, or maybe I’m just lazy to making conversations. 

Am I depressed? I don’t know, and I am not finding it out. Cos I’m still OK. It’s not that I don’t want to meet people or talk to them. It’s just my energy is very limited right now and I need to be careful in emanating it and giving it away; so I’ve been very picky in meeting people.

There are people who needs my energy - whether I wanted to give it or not - like, you know, family. And family takes a lot of freakin’ energy. Mentally and physically. So I conserved myself for that rather than scrambling it away to random events and people.

Things at work have also been draining since early this year. There are changes in the people, and I need some time to navigate and immersed in the vibes and dynamic of the people. It wasn’t easy. There were times where I don’t feel like showing my face at all in calls, or when I have to force myself to smile in meetings - even one with the people that I’ve been calling work-family. It’s strange. But I’m trying to hold on. Keep my head down and just do the work.

The past week I was in a series of meetings with colleagues, wonderful colleagues and friends from work. It was nice, they are a super nice bunch, and I feel like I don’t have to pretend that I am someone else. They understand my jokes, my sarcasm, they’re smart, the conversation that I had with each and one of them are all interesting and fruitful. And I had tons of warm hugs too.

However, since I’ve been conserving myself for a while, giving a lot of my energy constantly in the past week have been exhausting. Mid-week, I was so tired physically that I found it so hard for me to eat (and fyi, the food that they served is really really good). I couldn’t even find the energy to chew, to enjoy the food. I ate just to survive. And that’s when I know that this is bad.. this is bad, man.

I think, part of it is because there was this mix of high adrenaline and joy - of meeting people, of connecting, which we don’t often get the chance to - but also it is hard to absorb and navigate the different energies around the room! Especially when you have those who takes up a lot of space. Do you know what I mean? Those who always wanted to be seen and take presence as a competition, and oftentimes not in a nice way. These are the ones that exhaust me. And as the days gone by, I can see the subtle competition, the competitive people trying to make the most of the time - by taking up spaces.

I also think that maybe it’s because I always have trouble with understanding competition. What is ‘winning’? What is ‘the best’? What is ‘better than other people’? To me, these words feel like a competition - and my life is so far away from it. I am not here to compete, I am here to survive. Like animals. 

People competes, every time. Who has the best hair? Who has the best grade? Who has the best title? Who is greater? What is better? Who is smarter?

That’s hard. Why would I want to do that?

The only person that I compete with is myself. And that is for me to feel content. If I feel good enough, I won’t chase for another thing, even if I could. I would just settle. It’s enough for me, why would I need more? I am so used to settle for what’s enough and sufficient, take the space that I need, and leave the rest for others. You know, like animals.

I was a perfectionist myself, until l realised a few years ago that the search for perfection is actually the attempt to turn a blind eye to my vulnerabilities. So I changed myself. Cos if I want everything to be perfect all the time, and if I have to be perfect every single time, how tiring it would be? And I experienced it for many years, searching for perfection. It leads to nowhere but misery and anxiety.

I am still on the quest of embracing people. I appreciate that people are there to teach us a thing or two, to accompany us, to give us love and care, to connect. People are actually lovely. Well, some people..

But when they started to compete and take up spaces, I couldn’t understand it. I instantly recluse myself. I instinctively let them take up the space. I will just steer to the corner and, if I am lucky, build my own space. 

People even compete in making friends. How crazy the world is. I made friends for pure connection, I wouldn’t force anything that wouldn’t work and have differing vibes. I don’t make friends to compete?? And if making friends is a competition, I would definitely lose cos I don’t have much that is really close to my heart. But I treat them all with pure love and connections.

--

A few days ago, my friend was composing a speech and is given the previous speech as an example. People say the previous example speech was great, and my friend instantly said “pfft. I can also do great” or something like that. In that moment, I laughed, but it hits me how people are so competitive.

The norm that we have today is: if people are great, I also have to be great. 

No, I disagree. I don’t have to be great. I have to be content.

If I was asked to do something, and somebody says “the previous work on this is great” I will just nod and say “oh yeah? Awesome!” and I will do the work in my own way, using my own approach, and deliver it. That’s it. 

Am I not ambitious? Maybe. But what’s wrong with it? I don’t know where will my ambitions take me. And history taught us how dangerous ambition is if you can’t manage it properly.

I have been trying to take things lightly, glide myself through this life. Cos my goal is to survive. But with all the competitions, it forces me to always be on the get-go. Be better than A! Do more than B! Be happier than X! 

No. This isn’t the way for me. There’s no end to it. 

Who are these people competing with other than their ego? They climb and climb and climb, take spaces here and there, for what? Maybe they have the answer that I don’t know.. Maybe.

I was visiting the park yesterday and as I love animals so much, it really warms my heart. I don’t want to go home. I wanted to be with the animals. The pure souls that only take what they need and left the rest for others who need it more. Even lions would left the remaining of their food for hyenas and vultures if they had enough.

How are we people so greedy and competitive? Can you let me know?

My mentor once said that if things doesn’t seem to make any more sense to you, maybe you should go back studying.

Maybe I’ll do that.

[dinitaputri]

This is not a bleak story.

Or at least that’s what I hope it’d turn out to be.

It started, to be easy, at the beginning of the year of 2022.

The transition from 2021 to 2022 was rather peculiar. It wasn’t grand and wasn’t boring either. It was somewhere in between. I remember I was driving in the basement of a mall, sometime in mid-December 2021, when I thought.. “it will be the same thing over and over again. The suffering, the struggle, the tiredness, the emotions.. what is it in the end? What is all of these for?”. Then I remember Camus’s Sisyphus and I told myself “well... I guess it’s right. One must imagine Sisyphus happy” – and I decided to just roll with it.

I also promised myself to sleep more and be braver this year. At the end of the year, I checked one of them, and half-checked the other.

I think I made a great year – at least until late October when suddenly things started to rise from the dead. Or to be precise, from the hiding. Because, you know, they said secrets never die – it just hides.

So, there we go. Family secrets, feuds, unstable relationships, poisons, unhealthy cover-ups, sunken memories, forgotten details, all came to rise. All at once.

For ten months, I thought I was okay, I thought I was a lot better. Turned out ‘a lot’ is rather cocky of me. The universe starts to slap me in the face, back and forth, unstoppable for the remaining two months.

All the filthy emotions, memories, and rotten feelings inside me were brought to the surface. Sometimes little by little, sometimes in a form of a storm. And the latter, is when things got, well, bleak.

I think the search for home and safety, two of my main goals (and Karma, I think), is still going on. The people that I used to consider home… are they? The place that I used to think as home… is it? The ‘me’ that I consider home… am I?

The past two months I was stupefied by the fact that I don’t feel safe. Even within me. I only feel safe when I’m far away from (the place and people that I used to consider) home. To top that up, I ignite this fire of anger within me that burns me and my sanity. My only fault is, that I let it lit.. I rained it with fuel, I let it lit. And it burned me, and the people I loved.

The last week of December was hard. And the universe had told me that it will be hard. But I wasn’t prepared as much. I was too fumed with my fire… inhaling the smokes and getting lost in the haze. I lost myself in anger.

I greeted the dark thoughts again. And I let them stay. That who told me to crash the plane, to scratch myself bleed, to build fortress of self, and to cry a bad cry.

A good cry is healing. A bad cry? It certainly isn’t.

At the end of October, my good friend asked me “So, are you happy, now?” to that I answered, rather cheerfully, “Yes, I am 😊 I’ve no regrets, I’m grateful. So, yes, I am happy”. He said, “Well. Good for you. Because I am not.” And he started telling me stories of his struggle – to which I suggested him to seek help.

Who would’ve known, a few days later, the happiness that I told him about seeps away slowly and the cumulonimbus of dark thoughts start replacing each one of the happiness clouds.

I wasn’t myself for a day, at the end of December. I don’t even want to write the date as it was one of the darkest days of my life. I lost a fraction of memory of that moment, I only remember that I was in a spiralling black hole of mind, and I went in deeper, and deeper. Carrying with me the fire that I lit. And I burn myself and my surroundings. And the consequences that I must face… oh dear, the dire consequences.

I was a shithead. And then again, I was reminded through it that I wasn’t done dealing with all the pains and emotions within me. And I lost a good one for that. Hopefully not for long. Hopefully it is mendable.

They said we lose some to get some. We let the leaves fall so new ones can spring.

As much as it’s hard to fathom that now, but I’m trying my best to survive. I curse myself every day, but I also pat myself on the back, and on my chest, and tell myself to calm down, to trust the process, and to trust life…

I seek help. And I think that kind of working. I changed the books that I read and shifted it to a more cheerful one. And I think that kind of working. I think about the plans, all the opportunities and possibilities that life can bring, just to ignite the positivity in me. And I think, it kind of working.

I don’t want to let these past two months define my year, but it certainly changed the whole story. I trembled, I am crumbled, but I gather all my ashes, bit by bit, and build another me that consist those of happy moments, stressful, sad, devastating. All of them. All of them are part of me, and I build another me with them. A stronger, solid, safer, warmer, me. For the year ahead. I have to make it.

Happy New Year.

[dinitaputri]

On running a marathon

In early 2020, I crossed five borders in less than three weeks, got ill in between because of the mobility and lack of sleep (of course). Back then, I can’t imagine how I can cope up with the long list of travel schedule for the rest of 2020.

alas, I spent the year staying at home! who would’ve thought.

It was comforting, in a sense that I can stay home as long as I want, keeping my timetable to my liking, take a break whenever I can, workout whenever I want, and spend more time with my hubs. But, many days it also feel like I’m working almost 24 hours a day, as work also helped in shifting my mind of the current state that the world in.

weeks after weeks..month after month. Seems like there is no end yet in sight for the pandemic. My heart breaks every time I look at the number of cases and death, here, and in other countries around the world. I constantly worried about the health and condition of my friends and family.

there were times when i feel so anxious that all i feel is anger and sadness. this lasted for weeks.. emotional roller coaster, increasing anxiety, unexplainable sadness. all at once. So i tried to reduce my time reading the news and balance it with reading what can i do to help curbing the pandemic and help others. I feel better, but not for long.. the anxiety came back again and again.

there were times i missed my sister and my mom, i missed my friends. Fortunately, after months and months and months, we can start seeing each other again, albeit in a very different condition (mask on, physical distancing and all).

but then, at the end of the year, my mentor passed away. it hits me hard. what worse can happen this year? I asked myself, crying, and heart broken. I tried to get on with life, writing things about him just to remember all the wisdom he taught me. I started waking up early and go out cycling or walking to freshen my mind. I do this every day, without pause, just to get the balance back in life. And just when i started to feel better, my grandfather passed away. Oh, life. He is one of the strongest man I’ve ever know. He’s very sweet to his grandchild, he called us with our nick name, and he still carry me whenever we meet! even in his 80s, and I’m already 36 - until a few months ago when his health started deteriorating. i was.. sad.. but i feel this strange calm. A feeling in between letting go and numb.

and then i realised that this is, life is, now, a marathon. In pre-pandemic times, sometimes we feel like we’re on a sprint, sometimes we jay-walk, too. But now, life is like running a marathon. i need to keep my endurance, i need to preserve my energy, i need to use it wisely. i need to occasionally look around me and see if other people need help. And I, or, we, run this marathon without knowing how many kilometres are we running for? and where’s the finish line? or whether there’s a finish line at all.

we’re all runners now, with our own speed, our own strengths, and our own gear. But we’re on the same track, trying to navigate this difficult times that we are experiencing. I don’t want to say this, but the one thing that connects every human being now is that we’re all equally miserable, in different degrees.

that being said, the one important thing we can do while running this marathon is to be more compassionate to each other. Try to balance between pushing responsibility and give people time and space to weather this challenging and strange time. Don’t be the person who drains other people’s energy, be the one who gives them more. How? well, have more empathy and be compassionate.

i think compassion is the water that nourish us during our long marathon.

we will encounter many, many bumps during the journey.. but may we all have the strengths to finish this marathon called life - whenever and wherever the finish line is.

[dinitaputri]

on priorities

Day 1

‘hey, how are you? how are things? heard it’s a bit tough there. Anyway, there’s something about work that i need to discuss, hopefully soon’

‘hey, i’m good. yeah, it isn’t easy lately. but i’m okay. how are things with you? surviving well? Just let me know when you have time, we can discuss it’

...

Day 13

‘hi, i read this article related to the work, and thought you might be interested. and do you still want to discuss? let me know’

...

Day 20

‘hey, sorry for not replying sooner. will take a look at the article. and will let you know when we can discuss. sorry it’s rather hectic here’

‘sure, no worries. just let me know’

...

Day 40

‘hey, sorry for the very late response. how are you doing now?’

‘hi, no it’s fine. this challenging time needs a lot of getting-used-to, you must be busy too. I’m okay. how are things?’

...

Day 54

‘yeah i’m okay. busy though. maybe we can set up a call to discuss soon? we can use video call too’

‘ok sure. when’s the best time? let me know so i can adjust the schedule’

Day 61

....

--------------

in this challenging time, we often find it difficult to set up our priorities. One day you’re committed to several things, the next day you have to juggle many other things, scramble your previous commitments, and restore some of the previous, previous ones. sounds confusing? Or familiar? 

I find these times to be handy in re-questioning everything. Our habits, our way of life, and of course, our priorities. You think work is your priority? Well now that kids have to do school from home, work is no longer your top priority, eh? And now that you’re working from home, you realise it’s the rest time that is the priority; and not your work, eh? You think yourself is the priority? Well look at around you, there are people in the community who needs help, your parents need help, your helper needs help. Do you still think that you have to be a priority all the time? Nah. You think hanging out with friends at the clubs or coffee shop is a priority? Well, you’re fine without having to go out now. You can drink coffee at home, still chat with your friends online, and have a nice time - although not as nice, maybe. but you can still do it. You think buying latest-trend fashion is a priority? Now, who would care about what you’re wearing at home? You think not having the latest-trend fashion stuff will strip you from being a human, a friend, or a family member? Nah. who cares if you’re in your jogger pants all day?

We are recalibrating our priorities; including our priorities in building a relationship with people. The conversation above shows how the other person is probably not a priority since the response always takes more than a week. In pre-pandemic times, maybe they will set up a schedule right away. But at this time of life, people have other priorities..family, friends, community, themselves. Try to understand. We don’t want to be the one who is ghosted like the one in the conversation.. but did you notice that the person never nag for a response? they just wait until the other sends the response. do you know why? Because they understand that their counterpart is having a different life than theirs.. maybe more difficult. Perhaps they have to allocate more times to juggle between their work and home chores. Perhaps they are busy preparing for the abundance of online meetings. Perhaps they have kids and have to prepare their kids’ schooling materials. Perhaps they are teaching and doing online teaching is not that easy, so they stressed out. What do you know?

So if you’re no longer a priority in someone else’s life, don’t be selfish and think that they are bad people. People change, you know..and this situation are forcing people to change, to adjust, and to adapt. I experienced that too. I responded late to people/things that used to be my priority. I responded quicker to new things as well. I’ve been ghosted by people who used to take me as their priority. But it’s okay... I don’t know what they are going through, I don’t know if there is something else happening in their life.

My priority now is to keep my mental and physical health - and I hope many people do, too. If it means that they have to ignore me and ghosted me or delaying their responses to me, then that’s fine. Am I too apologetic? Maybe. But this is a challenging time... the least we can do is to maintain our empathy and compassion, and respect other people’s priorities - even if it no longer includes us.

[dinitaputri]

..aku bersyukur sekali 🌹

[dinitaputri]

Seoul, 17 September 2019.

Emptiness rushing in. All at once.

It was bad, because I feel nothing.

But it was also good, because I will absorb whatever comes my way.

Hang in there, lady.

[dinitaputri]

.. Mungkin kita cuma butuh hiburan.

My best friend and me. When we were talking about the weird, random thoughts, feelings, and longing that we actually not supposed to feel.

[dinitaputri]

On trying to relax

Things are so bleak on my mind lately. I wonder why.

Many times I think about death. I always view death as something that we should celebrate. Death is as glorious as being alive. But now, I think about it because I feel like I am losing my grip on my own life. It is sad. It kills me. I don't like this. I want to regain my life, I want to live again, wholeheartedly, mindfully, peacefully.

Maybe, one of the causes are my own view of life itself, and of people. Maybe I interact with people too much. I don't understand most of them, so I keep looking for something else in them that I can look up too. And these days, I didn't find much.. Really. So I left being disappointed, realising how mean, cold-hearted, selfish, human can be.

Then the question rises. What is it in the end? What are they chasing after? The round-the-clock job, the constant seeking of acknowledgement, the rat race. What is it in the end? What are we looking for?

Survival. Maybe that's it. In the end, we are all just trying to survive this life. It is plain, it is bleak, it is disturbing, and as Camus said, it is absurd. We are all just trying to survive the absurdity, in our own way. I should be fine with it. But why am I not? Why am I disturbed? Why am I so weak and absorbs all those things? Maybe I just wanted peace in life, and all these noises are making it difficult for me to find peace. I used to have my own peace of mind, no matter what. Why can't I do the same now?

Sometimes ago, I looked at my busy, fast-paced friend struggling to enjoy his holiday, finishing his work, and overcame jetlag at the same time that he seems frustrated. It was so uncomfortable to see him like that, for I remember a similar feeling that I am hiding.

"you should try to relax"

"the world doesn't allowed me to relax." he told me.

"then maybe you should make it"

A short conversation about the frustation. I stopped there because then I also realised that I, too, have long feel unrelaxed and uneasy. Seeing him was like a clear mirror of what I am experiencing. He live through it, struggling. While I am here trying to runaway from one place to another, trying to find the answer on how to be easy and why this clouded mind stays so long. He succumb his life to his work, in my opinion, to overcome the frustration, which, unfortunately, recursively making him more uneasy. As if whatever happens in life that is not related to his work are only side dishes.

I don't want to be like that. I want to regain my life.

Ah. What do I do..

[dinitaputri]

On gliding through life

".. I feel like numb. Plain. Life is rather plain now."

"well, life IS plain" you laughed.

"you know.. As we get older, we realised that there's actually no big purpose. Your purpose, is what you do daily. How you give meanings to your daily activities. Routines." you continued.

"hmm.. But, even to go on everyday, you need to have that oomph. You know, things that keeps you going? Something that you look forward to? I don't know what that is for me now. And I don't like it. I'm gliding okay, but I'm just gliding." I replied

You smiled.

" find your happy place. Be you. Live daily with YOUR methods of living, give a sense of you in everything. You already did that, i noticed. People like us, we have different ways of thinking, if you believe in chemical imbalance. And we have to balance it, ourselves. Only us know how."

You paused for a while, and continued.

"... And you already know how". You smirked.

------

An episode where I think life is plain. Meaningless. Doesn't mean that life is not good. It is marvelous. My life has been amazing. But i kind of lost that oomph. I might leave it somewhere, or lost it somewhere. I don't know. I'm still figuring it out.

Maybe what we have to do is to create the purpose ourselves. Yeah, maybe we were born with a purpose, but alsooo maybe we are the one who is creating the purpose. Doesn't have to be a grand one. And probably my purpose for now is to survive everyday. Get into bed nicely at the end of the day, preparing for another day tomorrow.

I guess that's good enough for now.

[dinitaputri]

wrote this saying from Buddha on my bedroom wall, some 4-5 years ago. Still have it till now, still sometimes forgot that the problem is, i think i have time.

[dinitaputri]

these days, most people obsessed with getting attention, rewards, pride, titles, money, and many things that i found a bit soul-less.

not that it is wrong, though. But thinking about it, I feel the pain and sadness from the people that are seeking those things. I mean, sure they got the attention, sure they have this glittering title, and piles of quids. But, it doesn’t seem that they stopped there. Almost always, they continuously seeking more and more of those things.. and almost always, become a different person than they were before.

I think it’s because those things..attention, title, money, pride, doesn’t feed your soul, it only feeds your ego. And human’s history has shown how greedy our ego is. Feeding it doesn’t make it full and enough. Instead, it gives them strength to grow bigger (I flinched while writing this down).

too much. Just too much.

[dinitaputri]

"Us in the king size, keep it a secret. Say I'm your queen, I don't want to leave this"

Niki, low key

[dinitaputri]

On hiding

How can you be there for people when you got nothing to pour out? When you have very limited energy, let alone to absorb and counter bad vibes?

They said avoiding certain people to protect your emotional health is good. So, yeah. I don't reply to text when i don't feel like it. I don't see friends when I don't want it. I only make time for them who emanates good vibes. Because that's what I need now. I don't need bullying comments, I don't need stupid comments, I don't need anger. I only need good vibes. And I only need to be left alone.

It is not the best time lately, but I'm sure, someday, I will look back and wonder how I survived.

The thing is, I can't shut people off. So I'm shutting myself off.