disneydidntteachmethis

[disneydidntteachmethis]

The saddest moment is going to self harm and realising you have to look for clean skin to cut...

[disneydidntteachmethis]

The saddest moment is going to self harm and realising you have to look for clean skin to cut...

[disneydidntteachmethis]

I’m a background character in everyone’s life. I’m not important to anyone. I don’t even matter.

[disneydidntteachmethis]

"You have no idea how much I want to hurt myself right now and I promise you don't want to know what's going through my mind."

— If you knew what I was thinking the cuts would be nothing

[disneydidntteachmethis]

[disneydidntteachmethis]

[disneydidntteachmethis]

[disneydidntteachmethis]

[disneydidntteachmethis]

#selfharm #depression #cutmyself #bleedforme #loosingmymind #imsobroken

[disneydidntteachmethis]

Do u ever sit back and realize ur not anybody’s favorite person, ur just kinda there and then you get the sudden urge to distance urself from everyone and chill alone

[disneydidntteachmethis]

[disneydidntteachmethis]

#morethanyouknow #fuckedup #relateablequotes #brokenhearts #lonely #darkness

[disneydidntteachmethis]

When darkness consumes #doodles #noartist

[disneydidntteachmethis]

I'm back . Just as broken just as messy.

So the wanderer returns it seems, well Tumblr I've lost count the years since I turned to these pages to poor out the thoughts of my so disasterous soul and once again I am back . Back , in all my messy glory, holding together a thousand broken pieces of my self, teetering on the edge knowing all to well that if someone breathes to hard or if I move to fast I'll fall apart. Leaving each of my shattered pieces all over the floor but there will be no piecing me back together.

Im not sure how this happened , my anxiety is through the roof and I am having suicidal thoughts . I'm sad all of the time and all I want is an escape. It doesn't matter what I do , but still it sits there at the back of my mind and often even the forefront ... My obsession with killing myself and death.

But please let me stop you there and just highlight that I'm not actively suicidal , it's just the overwhelming ideation that I cannot keep at bay. However this doesn't really explain and I feel maybe I should fill you in , I think I'm also trying to piece together how I got here myself to make sense of how I feel so low and so lost .

I'm depressed , I have a diagnosis of depression , anxiety and fibromyalgia (a chronic pain disorder). I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and as I'm.now 24 I would say I've had it since at least 13 but I was diagnosed at 18. I've had anxiety for not as long my anxiety mainly became an issue around 2 years ago . I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2017 in the Christmas but once again I'd definitely faught it for longer.

I was in a relationship, around two years ago now and quite honestly that was where I fell apart . My anxiety went through the roof and I couldn't bare to be separated from him , I literally tore our relationship apart. I suffocated him beyond belief , because of this he eventually left and I don't blame him for that . The arguements , the amount I needed him was to much , I was too much . I was in hospital at the time my fibromyalgia had flared and I'd gotten to sick again , the pain was out of control .

We argued. He walked out of me in my hospital bed and it was over.

Once he left I had a break down , I wanted to die I often just obsessed with ways to kill myself . I spent so many times running from home , id stay out because I couldn't face my family , the empty bed I now slept in and pretending I was okay. I often went to his to make him talk to me , to fix it , cause he loved me still surely he still loved me ... Someone had to love me . But he didn't no matter how hard I tried he didn't love me anymore and he didn't want me at all. So he was gone .

Then it happened.. I self harmed . I managed to live without doing it for so long but I caved I broke and religiously I tore myself apart because I just wanted to die. Why didn't I kill myself ? Because I couldn't hurt my family anymore than I already had. I eventually picked up the pieces I saw a councillor , took my pills and I got myself back together to some extent but I wasn't happy . And now here I am in July 2019 and I'm so far from okay.

The here and now ....

Ive just got back off my holiday I went away for ten days , before that I was beyond stressed work wears me down and I never feel good enough. I am sad all the time , I feel I'll and my body hurts. I'm anxious about my health , about leaving the house and about large groups of people . I worry often about many things. Then it came back , that feeling that need to escape I keep thinking about the what ifs, what if this morning I take two to many cocodamols to numb the pain , may 6... What if I was to walk out in front of a car now would it hit me .... I craved self harm it was all I thought off but with my holiday looming I knew I couldnt cave because if I did there would be no hiding it on a beach. But it was okay I convinced myself that my holiday would fix everything.

Then I went on holiday and it carried on the thoughts creeped in ...what if I walked into the Indian Ocean and I just kept going in the dead of night . What if I don't wake tomorrow ? Would that better than me trying to live in this life of pain and anxiety ?. I was still anxious on holiday. All of the time. It wasn't better. I'm not better.

Last night I saw my best friend and it all came out . I told him everything , I told him I wasn't actively suicidal but I did obsess with killing myself. I told him I didn't want to be here and he held me close while I cried. I thought telling someone would make it okay but it didn't change anything however it did make me feel safer because what I didn't tell him and the part I left out.... I'm scared of what I might do cause it's all to much .

Then today happened , I just want to run to my best friend and cry but he's busy and I'm happy that he is . My other best friend wouldn't get it I couldn't speak to her. As I sit on my parents bed I feel it the throbbing in my body . My wrists throb and my legs do to, the cravings back the hunger.. I need to cut myself apart. I need to feel it , I lie on the bed curled up trying to sleep . I nod off , when I wake it's still there the throbbing but now I feel sick and I feel like I'm suffocating. So I run to the bathroom and I cave.. I don't cry I'm not upset and I'm calm cause I need to get this out.

I sit and keep going over and over, cutting . I clean and dress it. I'm okay . This feeling is one to familiar. But in the moment I am calm no tears nothing all I can feel is the cuts I now wear my mind is clear, I'm not anxious or worried because I know what I'm doing ... But now I'm scared it's months since I left self harmed so I can't even imagined what I've now started. Maybe this time I won't know how to stop .