donekindonut

[donekindonut]

No one wants to hear how I make it go away

No one wants to see how I live

No one wants to know what I do to get rid of this

No one knows

And today I put it back to the front of my mind

Today I remember again

I am broken

I am never going to be fixed

I know I’ve disappointed time and time again

Something in my brain has been rewired

And I’m falling to statistics

I am becoming the cliche

Crying because this isn’t what anyone had wanted or foreseen

But time and time again it’s the cold shoulder

Time and time again

No one wants to see or hear it

So I shut down

And I hide

Hide it

swallow it

Hide it

The invisible action behind closed doors

Just spoiled rotten

Easiest way out

I can’t handle the dreams

And I can’t handle the emotions

I can’t handle it

I can’t handle the people

I can’t handle

I can’t handle

I don’t sleep

I am here and I am not here

I won’t remember

Stuttering and pressing my eyes closed

I rip open my face

Slit my chest

I am not proud I am not happy

Put down after pouring into empty cups hoping for recognization for understanding for unconditional

Yet faced with the same performance

Everyone is the same

And I am too

Just coping differently and this time this way I just don’t care as much

Just don’t remember as much

I wish I was that way without the muddiness staining my brain

So be it

If this is more palatable for others

I’ll hide

[donekindonut]

[donekindonut]

[donekindonut]

Today I had odd dreams, they were old and reminiscent of tastes and smells i had believed to buried and forgotten. unsettled, my big bottle of pills and the taste of flavorless coffee with hints of Carmel. I don't know how it looks anymore. the feeling lingers, guilt, pressure and a suffocating weight. the cage out of the window would look beuatiful wrapped around my neck, body weightless. a monotone pacer, i feel my heart racing. wild horses through my veins and i try to sit still, complacent. nothing to tranquilize this time. I stopped it all, just the doctors orders. the last photo i took with her, my eyes dead, lips slightly parted. i miss the numb feeling, i miss not remembering not thinking. just the pillow and my head and meaningless oblivions, days slipping into each other. im 23 now, these years, held no meaning since i was 17. sex love and all of the above flavorless pills and nothingness. life was meant to be shared but not like this. this is meaningless. days into weeks into months into years. and soon i will be 24.

[donekindonut]

i have been doing my own type of therapy

i like being alone

i love not caring

i love hiding

i love being put to the side

i could live an isolated life

just pretty and kind

sweet and unbothered

i love just being

everyone else

bothers me

everything else

just bothers me

i am just me

and it's so much better than worrying

looking and consuming all this never ending

bullshit

i almost

allowed it to dig deeper

and settle in

I've found a new love

im not sharing it with you

i am possessive and annoying and loud and always too curious

[donekindonut]

good for you

[donekindonut]

Oh may it unwind Living rot may it pour out

Into the same drains filled with all sorts of vile

I can’t stand the sight away and out of light

Question no word I say utmost disgust and disdain

Ignorant brat nothing nice left for me to say

[donekindonut]

[donekindonut]

wait til next year and we can have a real goodbye

[donekindonut]

why do I put myself in situations that I actually just hate and feel disgusted over? Is it my form of self harm

[donekindonut]

disappointed

[donekindonut]

I’m so naive and gullible I don’t understand how I made it this far

[donekindonut]

Can’t understand if it’s love bombing or if it’s real

[donekindonut]

[donekindonut]

I dressed up really cute for work today, in my head I like to build up scenarios and slip into so many daydreams. Then I wonder why nothing feels real, in my head things could be so much better. I want to see my friends every day. I want to be with my family every day. I want to be left alone every day. And my meds make my head so loopy. like everything is just one long hallway, and I’m not even moving.

[donekindonut]

I have two cuts on each side of my forehead

Lobotomy checkkkkkk

[donekindonut]

You are NOT going to kill yourself! You're going to outlive that 80 year old cheeto and be first in line to turn his grave into a gender neutral toilet. You're going to make it through the next four years. Do you hear me?