dracodeath4000

[dracodeath4000]

[dracodeath4000]

several people shared this on twitter so I'm going to post it here. absolutely astounding couple of sentences

[dracodeath4000]

There is a special spot reserved in my heart for Magnificent Frigatebirds. These fuckos are so regal, and they are also ENORMOUS, with a wingspan of up to 8 FEET.

The first time I saw one in person, my brain did a 10-second-reboot because oh neat a pterodactyl just flew overhead--waitwhatnow?

Again, these aerial monstrosities have a wingspan significantly longer than adult human, and in the wild you'll most encounter them circling high in the air above an ocean coast.

Which is why it was endlessly hilarious to me when I found out what the males look like close up.

My good bitch, I bruised at least three ribs laughing.

[dracodeath4000]

They're like the anime girl equivilent of pugs

Every so often I remember the loli basketball anime against my will

[dracodeath4000]

I accidentally deleted the ask, but anon basically said “do you have any more florist anecdotes?” And YOU BET I DO!!

-

So one day this girl walks in, wet rag to her face, and rushes over to me, phone in hand. “HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS….eey-low veer-uh plant??”

I had. As we’re headed to the succulents, the story comes out. She’s heard that aloe vera is good for soothing pain and….she leans close, super embarrassed, and whispers that she just went and got her mustache waxed off, and….she shows me her lip. Huge, swollen, little red bumps. She’s tried to cover it with makeup, and that’s made it worse. She’s getting teary, because she’s scared, but she’s lucky because she’s talking to me!!

We talk about a lot of stuff, skin care, hair removal, I won’t bore y’all since it’s not flowers, but I was able to give her some advice on it, and I’m thinking “okay she might not need a plant, but whatever” but she’s DETERMINED TO COMPLETE HER MISSION.

We get to the succulents, and I give her my whole aloe vera spiel (I love these plants!! My mom has a huge one that’s almost 25 years old!!) and the girl nods very very seriously, and buys one.

Before she leaves, she comes over to me, dead ass serious and informs me that this plant is her “super buddy” now, and she’s named him Ralph.

-

In my previous post I mentioned a nervous husband with his wife on their first Valentine’s Day. Here’s that story:

So the guy, for a mental image: mid-30s black man, very well dressed in a nice work suit, leather laptop bag. Normally I’m MILDLY wary of v well dressed men, because a lot of them are uh…Difficult.

This wasn’t one of them! He was super nervous, looking through all the mason jar arrangements Very Seriously. He looked super focused and was having trouble picking through them, so I went over to help.

This nice man has four ladies to get flowers for. His wife, and their three daughters. He wanted to get mason jars for the girls (all under ten) and he was hoping to find them in their favorite colors.

I realized what he was doing, which was trying to find jars with predominantly pink, red, and purple themes. And since it wasn’t super busy, I just smiled and told him we could rearrange the jars in the color themes.

He was so BLOWN AWAY. I think he wanted to cry when I busted out the ribbons and made big bows for each jar! (Appropriately colored!!) (also while I was scavenging for flowers, he whipped out his phone and showed me some of their pictures. They’re so cute!! These girls are his princesses, for sure.)

So now His Wife. We were already on a roll, so once his jars were ready we started patrolling for The Perfect Bouquet. And as it happens once you start talking about personal stuff, his story came out!

So the girls are from Wife’s previous marriage. He married her last year, and he really wants to show them that he Really Loves Them. Like, these girls are His GIRLS. His phone still has their entire wedding album!! He shows me her bouquet, and he wants to get flowers that are like the bouquet, but MORE.

So we have the choices down to three big bouquets. He legit stands there for a solid FORTY FIVE MINUTES, just comparing and thinking about it. (I left him to it, obv.)

He then comes up, very serious, and asks what it would cost to combine the two bouquets he’s picked. He’s also picked out a vase and a card, and some chocolate.

I quoted the price (Not Cheap) and he just nods, dead serious, and walks away and pays for it. Like up front. And I’m like, well shit, this needs to be the most amazing thing I’ve done. So I clear the counter, because this is a man on a mission, and we put those flowers together into a MASTERPIECE.

It’s hard to explain size, but these flowers were big enough to hide behind!! I got him a nice box and we carefully packaged this sucker for safe transport in his tiny sports car (the jars for his girls all fit in the drink holders, which was hilarious for reasons I can’t explain. Also hilarious is that he had to manually take the top off of the convertible to fit the flowers and was totally willing to drive home IN THE COLD with it down if he had to, luckily he didn’t)

I sent him on His Odyssey. He was SO HAPPY, and I was so happy because I love good experiences that have triple digit sales, and he was so patient and nice!! Love is real.

(He came back with his friends about three hours later, and they got nice flowers as well! They were all calling me Miss Hexalene by the end, and their good moods infected every other customer in the store, which is the best infection we get in flu season)

-

One of my favorite customers is this nice old lesbian who comes in and has one of our potted orchids in hand, big smirk on her face.

“My wife hates roses, so I’m getting her thi—“ she breaks off and her eyes go HUGE.

So she’s carrying this normal orchid, about a foot and a half tall, purple, v cute. She has just spotted our cymbidium orchids behind me, which GOOGLE THESE PUPPIES!! Ours came in, they’re THREE FEET TALL without the pot. Half of the plant is bloomed into these big beautiful brown/orange flowers, and the other half is still growing. They’re massive and I love them.

So this old lesbian (she’s about 60, cute boycut with all white hair, nice mom jeans and one of those balloony pico shirts) very deliberately sets her Lesser Orchid down, and points to the cymbidium orchids. “THAT. I need that.”

She’s got the absolute best shit-eating grin on her face, btw. She can’t stop laughing. She’s even crying with laughter a bit and while we’re strapping These Beasts (SHE BOUGHT FOUR OF THEM??) into her truck, she tells me about how her wife hates roses because she got a thorn tip stuck in her hand permanently as a kid. So every Valentine’s Day she goes on a hunt for the weirdest flower/most out of season flower she can find. These orchids are the best find she’s had since the 80s, when she brought home a massive Silver Vase Plant that’s still alive 30 years later.

-

So I’m gonna stop with these three before I obliterate everyone’s dashes!! 8) thank you for the ask!!

[dracodeath4000]

I was wondering, I know phoenix is a mythical creature but is it herbivore or a carnivore or perhaps an omnivore like if it's real what do you think it'll eat but if I look at the beak and claws it's similar to an eagle I think?

great news, phoenixes aren't actually mythical creatures at all!

in fact, here's one right now:

that's right, the myth of the phoenix was very likely started by this actual real bird, in Africa! right on the border of Tanzania and Kenya, actually.

riiight about... HERE.

this is Lake Natron.

Lake Natron is an alkaline salt lake of volcanic origin, where the water is as caustic as pure ammonia and can be hotter than a sauna at 140 F!

what lives here? not much. just the extremophile bacteria that gives the water and salt flats their pink tint, really.

oh, and these guys.

that's right, if you're a Lesser Flamingo, this volcanic hellscape is home sweet home! they live in the lake year-round, feeding on the bacteria that they painstakingly filter out of the near-boiling waters with their hooked beaks.

and at some point, some traveling humans presumably noticed a flock of giant pink birds taking flight from a poisonous and hard-to-reach bright-red hellscape, with billowing clouds of steam that might have looked like smoke from a distance, and took word to the nearest settlement. and from there the tale passed on through the old world, eventually growing into the legend of the bird that sets itself alight to be reborn that we know and love today!

so, yeah! phoenixes eat cyanobacteria.

surprise?

[dracodeath4000]

"Oh you had a plague? Come back to us when you had a World War, brand new unconventional weapons, and a new international order."

[dracodeath4000]

Reblog if you also have a headache

What your headache is tellin you

[dracodeath4000]

Dragging this to the top of my dash

modding skyrim be like

[dracodeath4000]

have you ever just sat there

Feeling

and it won't fucking stop so you have to psychoanalyze yourself just to find out "oh I'm THAT kind of sad..."

[dracodeath4000]

[dracodeath4000]

Suika Idom 

from Tekkouki Mikazuki, 2000. Designed by Yasushi Nirasawa. 

(LOOK AT THE OTHER CRAZY MONSTERS: crazy-monster-design.tumblr.com)

[dracodeath4000]

A glorious fuck-ton of perspective angle references (per request).

[From various sources.]

[dracodeath4000]

Watch for 60 seconds, then you gonna like it!🔉

[dracodeath4000]

Cat with text to speech repeatedly spooking people with "aeiou".

[dracodeath4000]

Concept: A young child, determined to become a hero, moves next door to a grumpy, and bitter, old man, who was once secretly, a powerful supervillain, before they suddenly vanished, to slip into a quiet retirement.

Despite their bitter, cynical, nature, and their general dislike for heroes, the former villain, quickly finds themself reluctantly endeared by the child, and eventually decides to take them under their wing, and teach them everything they know, in the hopes of preparing them for the trials ahead. 

….Even if their methods aren’t always entirely legal.

[dracodeath4000]

apocalypse.exe