dvashhoney

[dvashhoney]

It's been two and half years since my Honey, passed away. It was so painful.

It is still painful when I recall her last days, her pain and suffering. But in my daily life I suppress it.

Sometimes in the night my subconscious raises to the surface... And all the painful memories become so vivid and clear, as if I am living them again.

And I cry and miss her, and think about how much I love her.

I try to recall the good moments, the cute and the happy moments and it makes me sad too. Because it reminds me that nothing in life is fixed and everything is so fragile and temporary.

But it also reminds me how important is to live today. In the present moment. With my loved ones.

In January 1, 2023, which was 3 months after my dog's death, I had a dream that felt so vivid and realistic. I was in the kitchen, the light in the room was strong warm yellow.

My dog sat in front of me, staring at me as if she is saying:"I am ok and I happy to see you again".

She looked young, healthy, happy and and I told her how much I missed her. It felt so real.

Another dream I had was about my dog being in the vet's room (which was dark like in some horror movie) and the vet is fighting for my dog's life, unlike what actually happened in reality (the vet didn't fight for her life and pretend as if there is no life threat to her). In my dream the vet was a woman while in reality it was a man. Maybe this symbolizes my Wild Mother archetype trying to heal and nourish some wounded aspects in my psyche. Sometimes dreams are not what they literally appear, sometimes they do, and sometimes they have double meaning.

I had some hope in the dream that she could be saved but then I woke up.

I don't remember other dreams other than those two. Maybe I had a few vague dreams in which my dog was running with me in the yard or in the park.

But they were replaced with dreams about my other dogs running with me instead.

There is a researcher who suggests that the dreams type, like the first dream I dreamt about my dog after she passed away, are an actual visit of their consciousness and this is why they often feel so real.

He said that about 80% of people dream about their dead loved one, during the first years following their death, and that those dreams are usually very positive, as if they actually try to reassure the dreamer that they are fine.

It makes sense to me and I want to believe that this is actually the case.

Thank you for reading 🙏

[dvashhoney]

Your death changed me

I'm not the same person.

Something died in me. I'm empty, shocked, paralyzed. I feel helpless, I feel weak, fragile.

You were my best friend, you were my soul mate. I loved you so much. You left me but my love for you is still there, it wasn't gone. It never will.

I grew up with you, we grew up together.

I couldn't imagine my life without you, because it always felt so scary. Merely the thought that one day I'll lose you and now it's my reality. Your death is a slap in my face.

Everything reminds me of you. It's so hard to do anything without thinking that you aren't here.

I love you. I hope you know how much I love you.

[dvashhoney]

Month

Tomorrow it will be a month since the poisoning, that day when you ate the awful chocolate.

I wish I knew it was there. I wish it would have end differently. My dearest friend, I still can't believe that it happend to you.

You lived 16 years, people say it's a lot for a dog but I still feel the sadness inside me because I know that you were so strong for a 16 old dog, it wasn't your time to go. You had the potential to live more.

I feel like you were picked like a flower. It wasn't your time, you didn't want to die, you fought bravely and for a while I though that you win, because you always win, you are such a badass dog, I didn't want to believe that you are able to "lose", you hate to lose. But the poisoning affect was stronger and your body became weaker and weaker, until it was so weak that you couldn't even raise your head, barely to eat or drink.

YOU didn't want eat or drink anymore, the dog with the massive appetite, we couldn't believe, it was a nightmare, we always laughed that you eat so much but this time we just prayed so hard to see you eating again.

But our prayers were not answered my love.

I love you.

I miss you.

[dvashhoney]

I couldn’t save you

I couldn’t save you

What was missing for us to be happy again?

Even though my heart was screaming

When your heart was bleeding

I couldn’t save you

I couldn’t save you

We had such beautiful times

It was painful for me

When it suddenly became difficult for you

And I couldn’t save you

I couldn’t save you

I want to hug you

Where are you now?

You left behind only memories and longing

I couldn’t save you

I couldn’t save you

Some say that when one circle closes

Another circle opens

But all I can think about is

I couldn't save you

Dvash with her new transitional seasons costume, a month before her 16th birthday, April 2022

I wrote this song for my dog, expressing my feeling of guilt, sorrow and helplessness in the face of death as a result of the poisoning. 

We fought for several days to save her and for a while it seemed as if she was recovering. 

We had hope until her last moments, even when it was already very clear that she was dying. We still had a little hope.

This song was inspired by a beautiful and sad song of an Israeli singer-song writer Aviv Geffen.

[dvashhoney]

She is a special dog

I know, it’s true that everyone believes that her/his dog, cat, or any other pet is special.

I am not an exception.... I do believe that she is a special dog, at least for me.

Her name is Dvash (דבש) in Hebrew, which means ‘honey’.

My family found her on the street in the summer of 2006. She was a puppy at the age of 4 months apparently. She stuck to us because she craved warmth, love and family. 

Her tail was a bit mutilated and we understood that she was abused (probably escaped from an abuser).

These were not easy times in Israel, there was a war at that time and we also struggled financially to survive. But we couldn't help but take her to us because we got attached to her.

It was the beginning of our friendship. 

In this blog I’ll share everything related to Dvash, memories, expressions of love and longing, art related to her, pictures and thoughts.

I do it to cope with her loss, as part of the mourning process, as a part of healing from the trauma of losing her.

Thank you for visiting here.

Alisa.