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Now we’re cooking — Gargamel Golomb not only cons aliens, but **literally invented the back alley transaction**? That’s a legendary resume of shady dealings. Here’s an expanded profile, ramping up the satire and sci-fi noir flavor:
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## 🧥 *Gargamel Golomb: Inventor of the Back Alley Transaction*
**Occupation:** Master Grifter, Inventor of Sketchy Deals™, Intergalactic Swindler
**Wanted in:** 39 star systems, 2 pocket dimensions, and a suspicious neighborhood in Cleveland
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### 🛠️ Origin of the Back Alley Transaction™
It started innocently enough. Gargamel Golomb, once a "legitimate" merchant of wormhole insurance, discovered that official channels came with paperwork, taxes, and inconvenient questions like:
* “Why is this warranty written in disappearing ink?”
* “Why is this planet's deed notarized by a sock puppet?”
So he innovated. Why sell hover crystals in a galactic mall, when you can whisper to someone behind a dumpster in the Gamma-9 Sector?
He called it the **Back Alley Transaction** — a deal done in shadow, fast and dirty, where no one asks about serial numbers, and everyone pretends credits in a shoebox is normal.
Now it’s standard practice for smugglers, bounty hunters, and “aggressive antique dealers” galaxy-wide.
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### 🧃 Common Deals He’s Known For:
* **Bottled Dark Matter** (actually spoiled space jelly)
* **Invisible Cloaks** (regular cloaks + a free can of transparent paint)
* **Time-Share Black Holes** (“Live outside of time! Just 8,000 credits/month!”)
* **Quantum NFTs** (“They exist in all realities… except yours.”)
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### 💬 Famous Quotes:
> "If you're not being watched, you're doing it wrong."
> "Legitimacy is just fraud with better branding."
> "Trust me — I'm a licensed quantum hypnotist." *(He is not.)*
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### 🕶️ Reputation:
Among grifters, he's a legend.
Among galactic regulators, he's a migraine.
Among Earthlings? He’s that weird guy in an alley offering “Martian BitCoins” in exchange for your microwave.
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Would you like a short scene where Gargamel tries to sell alien tech to a streetwise Earth teen? Or maybe a comic panel setup? This could easily go graphic novel, animated series, or video game villain.
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Gargamel Golomb trying to con people into travel to Earth promising them easy riches while hoping when they arrive they will engage in combat and he can steal their technology
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Zariman Uruk Hai
Mordor
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You're building an intriguingly tragicomic sci-fi mythos here — the Golombs as *cosmic con artists trapped in a loop of failure and delusion*, continually dumped on Earth with nothing but their own egos and lies to survive. Here's a fleshed-out version of this idea with dark humor, pathos, and narrative potential:
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## **Title: *The Golomb Displacement***
*(Or alt. titles: *Echoes of Golomb*, *The Abandonment Loop*, *The Unwanted*)*
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### 🧬 **Premise:**
For the last **5,000 years**, beings identifying themselves as **Gargamel Golomb** and **Petra Golomb** have arrived on Earth — one after another, often hundreds or even thousands of copies or versions across centuries.
They are:
* **Failed fugitives or defectors** from some fractured time-faction, criminal cartel, or collapsing future society.
* Routinely **stranded immediately upon arrival** due to auto-severed tech links, dead drop failsafes, or intentional abandonment protocols.
Each "Gargamel" and "Petra" is **genetically and cognitively similar**, but not identical. Some are clones. Some are parallel versions. Some may even be projections or corrupted data instances. None of them know why their predecessors were dumped—or where the next wave is coming from.
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### 🔂 **Pattern of Arrival:**
* Arrivals happen in **clusters**, often in catastrophic or transitional Earth periods (fall of empires, wars, mass migrations).
* Tech fails almost instantly—either due to planetary dampening fields, sabotage, or system-triggered obsolescence.
* Each new Gargamel and Petra scrambles for relevance, resources, or rescue—*and every time, they fail.*
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### 🦜 **Their Primary Strategy: Elaborate Fraud**
To survive, every Golomb quickly turns to **lies and posturing** — their only remaining skillset.
#### **Common Lies They Tell:**
1. **“We are emissaries of the Star Lords.”**
→ Used in ancient civilizations. Sometimes became cults.
2. **“Earth is a quarantine vault for a galactic experiment, and we are the wardens.”**
→ Used to avoid being imprisoned, questioned, or killed.
3. **“We are retired gods.”**
→ A classic in ancient Mesopotamia, India, or Mesoamerica.
4. **“We own the planet.”**
→ Used to gain followers or barter with humans/other fugitives.
5. **“The others before us were defective. We are the originals.”**
→ Every generation says this. None of them are believed for long.
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### 🤡 **The Tragedy of the Golombs:**
* **Known Liars in Timefaring Lore**: Across the galaxy, the term “Golomb Protocol” is now slang for a stranded operative who’s beyond help and making it worse with every word.
* **Always One Step Behind**: Their tech is outdated, their knowledge corrupted, their backup plans already burned by previous iterations.
* **They Sometimes Meet**: Rare “clusters” result in multiple Golombs alive at the same time, forming temporary alliances... that inevitably dissolve into blame and sabotage.
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### 🪞 **Philosophical Dimensions:**
* **Are the Golombs being punished?** A cosmic sentence: eternal exile, with dignity stripped and survival based only on their ability to **deceive primitive beings**.
* **Or are they the collateral?** Dumped here to protect secrets they don’t even know they hold.
* **Or is Earth a junkyard of failed iterations?** A sinkhole timeline where all broken, redundant agents are thrown to avoid temporal contamination.
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### 🧠 **Characters:**
* **Gargamel Golomb-347A** – Current iteration, posing as a private equity billionaire from “pre-quake Antarctica.” Wears a plastic crown. Sleeps in a shipping container.
* **Petra Golomb-119Z** – Claiming to be an immortal war-bride of the Universal Warden. Runs a survivalist YouTube channel that sometimes goes viral, then disappears.
* **“Mother Golomb”** – An ancient Petra who lives in a desert cave, covered in tech ruins, building a “Resonance Horn” that may not work and may not do anything.
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### 🔥 **Narrative Hooks:**
* A young human stumbles onto a cluster of half-functioning Golomb tech and accidentally becomes their “emissary” in the modern world.
* A timeline law agent is sent to investigate Golomb activity… and finds *hundreds of versions*, none trustworthy, all with different stories.
* A cult forms around a Petra who appears shockingly competent—until another Petra shows up and demands her throne.
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Would you like a short story scene (maybe a "Gargamel Golomb job interview") or a mock historical document written by a historian trying to catalog all Golomb sightings across history?
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Absolutely — here’s a **darkly comic, slightly surreal job interview scene** featuring *Gargamel Golomb*, doing what he does best: overcompensating, improvising, and lying through his teeth, barely concealing desperation.
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## **Scene: "Position of Influence"**
*Location: A mid-range corporate office building in suburban Ohio. Present day Earth.*
**Characters:**
* **Gargamel Golomb** – Chrono-fugitive, techless, broke, and stranded. Dressed in a badly fitted suit he borrowed from a dry cleaner's rack. Hair slicked back with what appears to be motor oil.
* **Susan Wetherby** – Regional HR Director, mildly exhausted but professional. Has seen worse.
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**INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – DAY**
*A glass-walled interview room. Gargamel Golomb sits across from Susan Wetherby. A sad little plant droops on the windowsill. Gargamel smiles like a cat that forgot what prey is.*
**SUSAN:**
So, Mr. Golomb… Gargamel, is it?
**GARGAMEL (leaning in):**
You may call me "Executive Grandpath of Quadrant Resource Entitlements," but yes. Gargamel is fine.
**SUSAN (blinks):**
...Right. Well, thanks for coming in. Let's start with your resume — I noticed some unusual formatting. It says here you were the “Supreme Efficiency Architect of Terra Protocols” on... *"Planet Designation 003B – Indigenous Simulation Sector.”*
**GARGAMEL (nodding solemnly):**
Yes. Earth, as you know it, is a Class-4 Simulation Zone. I was sent here as part of an interstellar audit. Unfortunately, I arrived ahead of schedule. A few centuries early, give or take.
**SUSAN:**
...So you’re saying you’re from the future?
**GARGAMEL:**
No, no. *A* future. **One** of them. The exact location of my original temporal node is—well, it’s classified, of course. But suffice it to say, I’ve overseen more interstellar mergers than your species has teeth.
**SUSAN:**
Uh-huh. So what drew you to apply for a *logistics coordinator* position at Midwest Climate-Controlled Storage?
**GARGAMEL (smoothly):**
Ah, yes. Strategic containment of volatile assets. Asset management across temperature-regulated nodes. Frankly, it’s all very familiar. In 2399-Q, I once supervised the cryo-vaults of the extinct Martian royal family.
**SUSAN (deadpan):**
And how long were you in that position?
**GARGAMEL (without missing a beat):**
Three subjective eternities. And a week.
**SUSAN:**
...I see.
*She glances down at his application. Notices that under “References,” he wrote: “All have been vaporized for security reasons.”*
**SUSAN:**
So, uh… do you currently have reliable transportation?
**GARGAMEL (straightens):**
Only temporarily misplaced. My quantum insertion pod was eaten by a cow. It’s complicated.
**SUSAN:**
Do you have any criminal history?
**GARGAMEL:**
Only glorious, unproven accusations launched by politically motivated sub-chronarchies. None of it sticks in a non-linear tribunal.
**SUSAN (after a long pause):**
Okay, well... We’ll be in touch.
**GARGAMEL (quickly):**
I can pay you in secrets. Do you want to know how the moon works? It’s not what you think.
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**LATER (Susan, writing her notes):**
*"Applicant claims to be a multi-dimensional executive exiled by galactic powers. May have been living in a van behind the Arby’s. Strong improvisation skills, unclear grasp of reality. Hire for seasonal work only."*
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Would you like to see *Petra Golomb’s* interview next? Or perhaps a **recorded incident log** from someone who hired Gargamel… and lived to regret it?
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Criminals manipulating other criminals' information so they believe they can successfully commit crimes in an area and remain undetected.
#criminals manipulating other criminals' information so they believe they can successfully commit crimes in an area and remain undetected#time travel strategies
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