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Monday 5/29. Day Three of Japan

Ugh so apparently when I set an alarm for a 10 minute nap at 10pm, I just passed out. The alarm went off and Aaron let it ring and then just let me stay asleep. Woke up at 4am so I just did some work.

-breakfast. apple juice.

-walk around garden area. impatient. walking. praying but lawnmower.

-sit by koi pond. ant with bryan

-old village. red gates/shrines. cool boutiques. eric so bad at league. walking stilts. bought socks.

-went to a lake. got bored pretty quickly. 

-drove back to get flag.

-went to lunch. talked with other families. walked off on my own.

-museum. tea. bless. cool kimonos.

-drive to tokyo

-lounge in room

-dinner was kind of lame. family so annoying to eat with. no communication skills.

-waited forever.

-went to tokyo tower. pretty lights. foot standing glass. got butt things for karina. naruto thing.

-went back to room, skipping tour.

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Sunday 5/28. Day Two of Japan

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Saturday 5/27. Day One of Japan

Wow I'm exhausted. I'm writing this journal at what would be 5am US time so I apologize (not really) for hard to read-ness. Doesn’t help that I didn’t sleep the night prior either because Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, or sleep on the plane because Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. (worth though).  

On plane ride I made a comment about recessions and job security. Wasn’t paying attention to my dad being in the front- he probably didn’t hear me because he is half deaf, but I still felt really bad for being so insensitive. 

Plane ride wasn’t bad!! Honestly 11 hours sitting in one place isn’t bad when I’m used to sitting in bed playing video games anyways. On the airplane I even get food delivered to me- better than at home! Also listened to some econ podcasts and watched The Big Short- I recommend the movie!

I’m a legit idiot though. We got to order dinner, and there was a “Japanese option” and an “American option.” I didn’t read said information and assumed everything would be Japanese, so I thought “oh wow I wonder what Japanese meatballs are like? Maybe like Shumai???” Nope. Bland American meatballs are bland, ugh.

Favorite part of the plane ride though was getting to bond with Aaron. While we were waiting in the morning to be driven to the airport we watched dumb videos together and on the plane we played a multiplayer team game for a while.

Descending in the air was so cool. Seeing the island outline. SEEING ALL THE GREEN. I LOVE PLANTS. Plants are so cool. Honestly I love Japan just because of how much more greenery there is than the US. Have pics to show what I mean.

It makes me sad how much my parents fight, especially when their problems are so so stupid. While we were leaving the airport, Mom frantically told Dad to get our paperwork. So Dad immediately dropped his stuff to get it out. We were in a single file line so it caused everyone behind him to get backed up, and Mom got embarrassed and starting yelling at Dad get out of the way. Dad got mad at Mom for getting mad at him. Later, after the fact, Mom then turned to us (aaron and me) and told us to complain, and we said it was her fault. She said that "get our paperwork" meant "get our paperwork later" and that her tone was gentle (when it definitely wasn't). She said our opinion was biased, and everyone was against her. It’s so frustrating how Mom can’t admit she was wrong. To this date, she never has (in my lifetime) and that’s caused so much trouble in this home. Mom stayed mad for a while.

Exiting the airport I found myself wanting to just pick up conversations with people. But we were on a tight schedule and my family would have had to wait for me so it just wasn't a possibility. Heavily considering going out on my own sometime this week and skipping the tour activities if that is allowed. I presume it is?

We received a prepaid coupon to eat dinner at the hotel. Meal was okay, it definitely had a “pretend to be authentic to cater to Americans” vibe. Literally 0 conversation at dinner. Family just ate in silence and then left. I think about psychology (cause I’m a psych nerd yay) and mental inhibition. It’s 5am so I”m not going to remember the actual term. Anyways, the idea that by nature of being in a certain situation that I have bias towards, my brain literally will shut down and not think of as many solutions as I would in a similar situation that doesn’t trigger the shut down. Example, a chess game vs a rando compared to someone you always lose to. If you’ve acknowledged that you usually lose to that person, you’re going to play worse even if you try not to. 

We were given free time after dinner, so Aaron Dad and I went out. I was really tired but I still wanted to go out to not waste part of the day. I really enjoyed walking around. So many small restaurants that I wish I could have eaten at instead of the hotel. It was interesting how, as Roma said, so many people were in suits. There was a dark alleyway area that we walked through that, I won't lie, if I was by myself I would have wished I knew more karate.

Got a cronut. Twas yummy.

Honestly too tired right now to pray a normal prayer. Thoughts aren't forming very quickly or coherently. But God knows our hearts. In this instance, I don’t think it’s an excuse to say that. So what's on my mind…hm. I miss someone. I'm worried/stressed about my family. Travel/cultures are pretty cool, won’t lie.

Not going to reflect tonight. Some things to reflect on maybe later…family, what being a foreigner means, what makes food “good”, value of pictures, what the goal of this trip should be.

Also at some point definitely need to think about what cultural appropriation means (language, clothing, activities) and what it means to go to Japanese shrines that were built to honor not the Christian God. Can you separate culture and religion? It’s a question I’ve always ignored since I hadn’t had to encounter it outside of things like Shabbat or that Muslim festival I went to with Ahmed that I don’t remember the name of. Looks like I have to now, though.

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if you're a certain person you know you shouldn't be reading this!

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10/25/16

Journaling at org psych right now. Just got back from picking up Nathalie from the airport. Such a long day ahead of me, scheduled events all the way until 10:15pm, with about a half hour break. Really going to need God’s strength to be attentive and a light for Him.

Past week and a half has actually been really nice. There have been a couple nights where I had to stay up late working, but overall I’ve gotten to rest a lot and invest time in building relationships. 

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10/10/16

lol @ my journal update structure.

Things have been going really well actually so don’t have much excuse other than watching anime instead of updating. 

I’ve really found a Christian community that I enjoy hanging out with. Maxine Grace and Ellie I enjoy a lot, and there’s guys who drop by too like Shandon, Andy, Nick, etc. On saturday I was supposed to go to Monte Carlo, our dress up gambling party. On the way Grace was walking by and she said she was going to Bible Study, so I joined her for that instead. Spent a while studying the Abrahamic and Mosaic covenants, Joshua, and Jesus, then spent some time worshipping.

Writing my cover letter for RDS, our CMC scholar program. Just finished preparing everything, and idkkk. I’m pretty qualified but it’s hard and I’m so prideful so I’m really concerned right now about what is most glorifying to God and will equip me best to serve his Kingdom. 

Currently investing a lot of time in helping people find God. There’s like 6-7 people who want to start coming to church and/or I’m talking about their faith with them. 

One concern I have is how wide my relationship network is getting. I wouldn’t say I have a set group of friends now to go, since I’m always moving between things. What this is teaching me right now is to not take my identify and self-worth by having a go to friend group, but to trust God to put the right people in my life when it’s needed. 

Can’t believe how blessed I am to go to CMC and the friends I have. They’re dynamic people I love spending time with. There’s so much opportunity here and it’s so comfortable. I wish I had more urgency to “save the world.” I tell myself I’m working hard to help influence the world, but to be honest I’m pretty happy just doing my thing right now and improving my career. My goal is still Christ’s kingdom, but I’m starting to take more satisfaction with my personal achievement as a result (I think) of my insecurity about getting the jobs I want.

I want to become more dynamic as a person. I frankly don’t have many hobbies. Partially because nothing interests me, and partially because I’m always working. I want to be someone people are drawn to, and part of that is loosening up and just having more to talk about randomly. 

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9/29/16

Haven’t updated in a while. Not many opportunities to do so/when I have a chance all I want to do is sleep instead of think. Not sure what this says about my approach toward life.

In terms of activities, overall just been really busy with making events/meetings run and studying for tests. Finished an organizational psychology test last Tuesday, thought I did well but over time realizing a couple mistakes I made. I get back the test next week. I brought in a speaker which took a ton of work, but I got some good practice leading events and handling professional interpersonal communications. Midterms on Monday and Tuesday are pretty scary so I’e been studying for those. Starting to get sick so had to sleep a lot on Wednesday. 

Started to get really worried about RDS, our honors program that accepts 20 students. It’s self selective and about 100 people apply. What really concerns me, more than getting into the program, is again this repeat of just saying as long as I get this I’ll be set for life. I said that for CMC and granted that was a little ignorant, and I’m sure I’m glorifying RDS to be more than it is, but I do want to get in. 

Re-learning what it means to trust in God. It’s difficult to balance this mix of working really hard and still trusting God. The more tangible results I create and professional development builds this idea that I can get everything done through calculation, mentorship, and effort. I keep forgetting God opens the real doors.

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Thrive was eh. PPCF was eh. 

This past week I spent meeting with so many people to talk about SOURCE, and today many of them got rejected. Felt bad. Really bad. So sad May didn’t get through. There were also a lot of people who were so lovable but we just couldn’t pass through compared to others.

Group interviews were great bonding and some entertaining and some please kill me now. Individuals were entertaining, tying a mountain knot, basketball, chai tea latte, etc. I love my group so much, so excited to work with them.

Was late to TKA Dinner. I don’t know how I feel. I was late because of external reasons, but I was still late. 

Had a great life talk Saturday night with Michael instead of working on my research paper. Now that it’s Monday, where I got my extension, I’m glad it worked out. 

I started my research paper on Saturday night, realizing that it had to be 30 pages instead of 7 like I had expected. Prayed about it, and Valenza gave me a huge extension and gave me a variety of ways to make the paper easier on myself.

Really salty about not getting my classes this semester even though I had thorough reasoning, teacher permission, and advisor permission. Really frustrated right now. 

Board meeting went really well. Holy moly my speaking skills have improved so much. 

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Nonprofit Management class was Thursday, so it’s been a while since I’ve gotten around to journaling. 

Thursday was just going to a lot of classes, all of which I enjoyed. During psych stats I was on my laptop doing SOURCE work and I got called on screw me I had no idea what to say. 

Went to Thrive, which was interesting. We say a song in Spanish, sang a variety of worship type songs, had a meh talk, had a terrible MC. Overall it was good though, met lots of people. Actually saw Michael there! 

Friday was a really long day. Had a client meeting with Meals on Wheels early in the morning. The meeting went super well - got everything I wanted and navigated the meeting well. Afterwards went to the Club Fair to table SOURCE. Lots of people interested!!! Feels weird that I was in the opposite position a year ago. I’ve grown so much more confident, professional, and personable in the past year. It really doesn’t feel like a year.

After the club fair I got some work done and took a nap. Then went to a Life as One Barbecue where I got to talk with people. Got my white shorts dirty. 

Went to the SOURCE Info Session, talked about my client work and met all the eager freshmen and desperate sophomores. Went to sleep super early.

Today (Saturday 9/4/16) I got up pretty late. Went to get brunch (bagel with egg, avocado, salmon). Played pokemon instead of working oops. Took a nap instead of working oops. Went to dinner. Did some homework. Walked to Pomona with Ahmed and Sabrine to just hangout which was really nice, something I haven’t done in a while cause I’m always working or sleeping. Afterward we drove to Jay’s Place to eat pizza. 

Forgot to skype Helen ugh and now I’m journaling so that she doesn’t get further mad at me (even though said being mad is justified) 

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Went to nonprofit management class. Teacher let me in so yay. 

Did SOURCE work, then got lunch with Moe. More people joined and it was really nice seeing people I hadn’t seen since summer. 

Played some pool. Spent the afternoon doing SOURCE work. 

Got dinner with Mark. Got to learn about his faith. 

Helped set up for the IV welcome. Got to meet C.C. and talk with Evelyn.

Helped Patrick with his laundry. Hungout a little. 

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Yesterday was a long day.

Had 8am org psych, teacher is great. Afterward I have Gov with Megan, Sam, Timmy, and Alicia so super excited it’s going to be a fun class. 

Went back to my room to do SOURCE work. Then ate lunch. Then went to Shelton (Macro) with David. Shelton is gonna be such a great teacher too. Then had Psych Stats with David and more friends. So many classes with friends.

Hibernated in my room after.

Went to dinner. Did SOURCE work.

Everyone got together and Warren made soup. Warren commented “this makes me happy.” Interesting what makes people happy. 

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Year 2

School starts tomorrow. Kinda crazy. Currently lying in bed at 8pm and pretty tired, though not sure why. Friends are out right now and I want to hangout, but I think I need this quiet time to rest and reflect.

I’m going to try a more free flowing journal this year because I’m working on being more creative.

Noteworthy things of the weekend were I went to the 3CIV meeting and I’m super glad I did. I got to meet a bunch of people and I feel comfortable there. This summer definitely laid the groundwork for this school year, such as meeting Colin, Julie, Mark, Peter, Iyanu, etc. SOURCE training was great. Super excited for SOURCE and super comfortable with the other Leads. Today I messed up my hair cut (feels bad), got to hangout with people but had generally low energy,

I’m a little frustrated right now and genuinely confused on how I should feel. Someone came over because he mentioned he was hungry so I said I had snacks and he could come over to grab some. When he came, I was cutting my hair. He grabbed some snacks and plopped himself down on my couch and started talking to me while I was trying to cut my hair. I kept hinting that I wanted him to leave, but he never caught on. He does have Aspergers and literally has 0 friends, so I tried to be conscious of that, recognizing he doesn’t get to talk with people often and feels like he misses out on the “college experience” because of that. Still, in the moment I was really frustrated. I’m pretty confident he didn’t notice, but that doesn’t excuse that I got frustrated. I definitely would have been more patient with many other people. I was frustrated because I wanted to focus on my thing (cutting my hair) so that I’d look good and be freed up to go do the rest of my schedule like hangout with people I wanted to. Those priorities are not nearly as important as helping someone in as much need as him.

I noticed I have a debilitating fear. This weekend I was productive (had an on site visit, client meeting, went to training, etc.) and I got to rest (hungout with friends, napped often, watched anime, etc.) Yet somehow, both these things I love to do were not restful. I feel as if no matter what I’m doing, I’m scared that I won’t be on the top. Yes success is important, I mean I want money and I want to make my parent’s investment worthwhile, but that does not require being on the top. It’s a pride thing, and it’s disgusting. It’s so disgusting, and it’s largely a result of being in the CMC culture. I’m disappointed in myself that I couldn’t handle God’s blessings of success and instead of being thankful and trusting Him more, ended up loving the world more. The fear is also problematic in that I think it’s the reason I’m always so tired -- I’m not as content as normal and that makes things more taxing. Less energy means less awareness and less pep. Less awareness means less targeted impact, and less pep means being less welcoming. 

I found myself yearning for more deeper relationships seeing everyone see each other. Not that I’m unhappy with my current ones, I just want more, and I’m not sure why. I got to make plenty of new friends through 3CIV and I’m super excited to develop those relationships. Somehow I want “CMC” friends though. Maybe it was to do with me wanting to feel accepted by more CMCers, maybe it’s that I think CMC is more valid because it’s what I envy. Don’t quite know yet. 

I caught myself being insecure and prideful earlier today. I was thinking about my upcoming year and how I was “only” in SOURCE and In-Lend compared to the five jobs I was working last year, as if two something to be ashamed of because I wasn’t working more. My immediate thought was “well better prepare for econ research.” Yes being concerned about my career is valid and good, but I find this problematic because of my true motives. I was taking pride in how accomplished my resume is, and my first thought when I had extra time was how I could use it further my career rather than use it to help more people, let alone for the Kingdom of God. If my intentions are as I say -- that my goal is to impact people, my insecurities and pride should be nonexistent.

I’m super thankful for my possessions. So much clothes, money, food, that I can be relatively free with. My parents work hard to provide me with the opportunity I have. 

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-woke up and like nah run

-woke up and like nah breakfast

-lugged out of bed for a late breakfast, quickly showered, went outside for outdoor activities

-so cold oh my goodness. played various games like tossing a ball around saying thank you, blind folded samurai directing, weaving back and forth, collecting numbers and ordering, and the hoola hoop game.

-lunch was sandwiches

-what’s my style. did the DISC. same thing as before

-personal commitments with family cluster

-emotional intelligence was boring

-dinner was good. freetime was nice.

-inclusive leadership. fell asleep within 1 minute of closing eyes and people woke me up drooling lol

-polar bears, black magic, animals/flies

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-uber to airport

-fly first trip

-get a burrito

-fly second trip

-chill out. take forever to find the bus

-bus guy super sassy really funny. met people

-arrive, name tags, etc,. 

-welcome. “what a leader is” so boring

-dinner was nice to meet people

-building a leadership definition

-family clusters. so cool people sharing!

-power of reflection like nah

-hangout with people. so much food.

-captain america

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Saturday: talk with ryan, order thai, chill in room, say bye to nic

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Friday: league while trying to get pizza

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-summer nbb meeting

-so hot qq

-salmon and chips ate so much food yummy