eclipseofscorpiosheart

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🌟✨ Update: Life's Been a Rollercoaster! 🌟✨

Hey there, Tumblr fam! 💖🌸 It's been a minute since I last posted, and I've got quite the story to share with you all. Life has taken a turn lately, and it's been a whirlwind of emotions, experiences, and self-discovery. 🎢✨

A few days ago, I went out with some friends, and let's just say, it was an adventure I didn't see coming. 🌃🌟 I ended up at this wild house party with this guy I'd just met, and the night took a turn that I never anticipated. 🏡🎉

We got to talking, and he offered me something I'd never tried before – codeine. 😯💊 I was a bit hesitant at first, but curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to give it a shot. And, my goodness, what an experience it was! 😮🚀

From the moment that warm, cozy feeling started to wash over me, I was hooked. 😌💫 It was like all my worries melted away, and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. 🌥️✨ I'd never felt more at peace, more in the moment, and more in love with life than in that instant. 🥰🌈

Since that night, I've been doing it every day, and honestly, it's become my escape from the chaos of the world. 🌪️🌍 It's like I've found my own little oasis, my sanctuary. I've never felt more "in place" than when I'm in that state of bliss. 🏝️💖

But here's the thing, Tumblr fam, I know that this newfound love isn't sustainable. It's important to remember that while moments like these can be incredible, they can also be incredibly dangerous. 🚫💔

I wanted to share this story not to glorify drug use but as a reminder that life can throw us unexpected curveballs, and we have to be careful how we navigate them. ✨🙏 Please, let's all look out for one another and make choices that keep us safe and healthy. 💪❤️

I'll be taking some time to reflect on my recent experiences and what they mean for my future. Life is a journey, and I'm determined to make the most of it while staying true to myself. 🌠💪 Thank you for being a part of this wild ride with me, Tumblr fam. Stay safe and stay true to yourselves. 🌟💖

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GONNA DO IT!

🌟 Embracing Spontaneity 🌟

Took inspiration from a blog I adore and decided to step out of my comfort zone. Last night, I found myself in the midst of new connections, laughter, and unexpected moments.

Life's too short to stick to routines. Sometimes, you've got to embrace the spontaneity and let yourself feel alive. 💫😄 #LivingLife #Spontaneity #AdventureTime #Taylor

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THIS!!!!!

Day Nine.

Fuck you.

I’m going out tonight and I’m going to make out with every man in Simmons Holborn.

I don’t care about you anymore.

[eclipseofscorpiosheart]

🌟 Moving Forward, One Day at a Time 🌟

I took that courageous step and left him. It's a whirlwind of emotions, but I'm navigating this new chapter.

Life's a journey with unexpected steps. Some days, I feel free and empowered; other nights, nostalgia lingers. But missing him isn't weakness; it's honoring our past.

Change is beautiful, messy, and transformative. I'm rediscovering myself, embracing the unknown, and finding new passions.

To those on a similar path, you're not alone. We're resilient, deserving of love, and capable of shaping our destiny.

Here's to our ongoing journey of self-discovery and new beginnings. 🌻💪 #MovingForward #SelfDiscovery #NewBeginnings #breakups #love #depression #hurtsmyheart #taylorswift

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“I’m tired of everybody. Please forgive me.”

— Ernest Hemingway

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A Note on Forgotten Favorites

I’ve done a pretty good job of removing things that remind me of my past relationship.  Moments after we broke up, I changed my Facebook status.  A day later, I removed that happy picture of us from a frame.  I did all the things I was supposed to do.  Well, at least I thought I did.

A few weeks ago, I realized he was still listed in my iPhone’s Favorites.  I have never felt more betrayed by a piece of technology.  Phone! How could you do this to me?! Haven’t you realized that we haven’t called each other in weeks? That he’s not texting me every day? He is not my favorite anymore. You can tell me if it’s raining at Stonehenge, but you can’t realize that this person is not my favorite anymore? Sigh.

So today, I finally removed him. I’m not sure what took me so long, but it just felt like it wasn’t doing any harm keeping him there so I just left it there.  But now I know that I need to make room for a new favorite.  Or a few more favorites. 

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A Note on Museum Dates

This city has some amazing museums, and they’re perfect for dates.  You wander around aimlessly for a while, possibly hold hands (which I’m very into these days), and have endless conversation starters in front of you.  It’s the best.

My first museum date was to the Met.  It was our sixth date (and our first day date) and it was everything I hoped it would be.  We spent roughly two hours perusing priceless pieces of art.  I showed him my favorite exhibit, and he showed him mine (this is not a euphemism).  We made jokes and held hands.  Afterwards, we went up to the roof, enjoyed a glass of prosecco, kissed, and enjoyed the view of the Manhattan skyline.

My second museum date was a fourth date with two Xs guy.  We went to the Natural History Museum and looked at rocks, fossils, and a giant whale.  Lying under a giant whale is much more romantic than you’d expect.  The ceiling has a nice ocean effect, and the whale is rad.  At the end of the date, we had our first kiss (FINALLY), and laughed about how it took so long.

It took me a long time to like dating, but now that I know about the magic of museum dates, I’m all in.

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OMG IM ADDICTED!!!!!

Day Eight (point 5).

Do you remember August?

The big blowout fight.

Of course you do.

I’m sure you don’t need me to remind you how much I hurt you. Laughing at your sadness. Firing verbal bullets into your chest until you seized up. Telling you I didn’t even like you, I hated you.

There’s a thin fucking line between love and hate.

And the very next day, I couldn’t even go to work. I was shaking so hard, I threw up outside Liverpool Street station. Ryan sent me home as soon as he saw me. So I went home, and you were still there, and we held each other and cried and promised each other we would never do that to each other again.

Except that last part isn’t quite true, is it?

It’s the story we told ourselves. The story we wanted to believe.

But that’s not how it went.

The previous day, we’d had a really great time. I’d skipped work because of my period, you made me breakfast, we lay in bed and watched The Wolf of Wall Street and Cruel Intentions. Then we went shopping.

I tried on four things. Two dresses, one blouse, one pair of shorts. That first dress looked amazing on me, cowgirl chic.

I came out of the dressing room, thinking you’d say the same. You told me to go online and get a bigger size.

The second dress, a little white number. Made my tits look amazing. The shop assistant said so too, but suggested I get a chain to hold it up in the back to make sure nothing fell out.

I will never forget the way your face dropped. The way your eyes narrowed. Then you told me it was too small.

Let’s stop there, and go back to a month prior. July. We went out for bottomless Prosecco with your friends. I got too drunk, as I always do, to curb the fear of saying anything wrong. You can’t say anything wrong when your mouth is occupied elsewhere, and if you do when it’s not, you can just blame it on the alcohol. You weren’t nearly as drunk as me. I went to the bathroom. You followed me in.

What did you do to me in the bathroom, Tom? What did you do to me in the bathroom that had me sobbing like a child with nowhere to run?

You played it off when we got back like you were just helping me out. I played it off too. But in private, I told you how it hurt me, and then never brought it up again.

The bathroom. The fitting room. The Selkie dress.

A repeated pattern of things I let go, because I loved you.

Let’s flash forward to after the fitting room. I told you you had hurt me, and the phrase you kept repeating was I didn’t mean it like that. You never seemed to mean it like that. You just kept saying and doing it like that. Funny, as whenever I said the same thing to you it was never a good enough explanation. You wanted to believe nothing but the worst of me, but wanted me to believe nothing but the best of you.

Double standards are fun.

So I told you I needed some space and then walked home. Except I walked to Sainsbury’s, bought some shit bottle of red and drank it all by the time you’d gotten back.

And then the argument.

I could blame it on the alcohol. I could blame it on the frustration I felt, the pain of hearing the person you love criticise you over and over again. I could blame it on my illness.

But I wanted to hurt you. On purpose.

I wanted to hurt you the way you had hurt me, over and over again, without any regard for the person you loved hearing it.

And then the day afterwards, when I apologised, not you, because I was so scared of losing you. I apologised because even if you weren’t going to, I wanted to make sure that I had atoned for my sins and sought forgiveness. I wanted to make this work, damn you. And you — kind, loving, gracious Tom — accepted. And we moved on — or, I thought we moved on, at least.

You never forgave me for that night in August. I forgave you everything.

It’s a lesson to me, I think. Not to be so caring. Not to be so forgiving. Not to assume everyone’s hearts and minds are like mine. I’m redeemed and saved, that might be part of it. I let things go quickly, and don’t even think about them when it comes to the bigger picture. You let things build up, and wait for the right moment to break someone down. A slick comment here, a snide gesture there. I knew you were a little bit bitchy. The way you spoke about your former friends, both men and women alike.

I just didn’t ever think it would be turned on me.

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Dont even care. Just need one more day.

[eclipseofscorpiosheart]

I finally left him. 🌟

It wasn't easy, and the tears might still stain my pillowcase from time to time, but deep down, I know it was the right thing to do.

There's this inexplicable mix of emotions swirling within me – relief, fear, nostalgia, and that ever-present ache. I can't help but miss him, even though I'm certain that this is the path I needed to take for my own growth and happiness.

You see, there's this bittersweet beauty in making tough decisions, in choosing yourself when you've put someone else first for so long. It's like the realization that you deserve to be truly happy, even if it means taking a leap into the unknown.

But nostalgia has a way of playing tricks on the heart, doesn't it? It whispers, "Remember when," and "What if." And you know what? That's okay. It's okay to reminisce about the good times and wonder about the "what ifs."

Because leaving someone you cared deeply for doesn't mean you stop caring. It doesn't mean you forget. It just means you're prioritizing your own journey and growth, no matter how much it hurts.

So, here I am, standing on the precipice of a new chapter, torn between missing what was and the excitement of what could be. To anyone else in a similar place, know that it's alright to feel this way. Change is messy and complex, but it's also the catalyst for growth.

I'm proud of myself for taking this step, even though it feels like navigating uncharted waters. And I'm here to remind you that you can be proud of your journey, too, no matter where it leads.

Sending love and strength to all those on their own paths of growth and self-discovery. 🌻💪 #EmbracingChange #NewBeginnings #SelfLove