effablyso

[effablyso]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObgCxLNXLY8)

[effablyso]

NOISE! never been the type to fill a room with speech, but i got a couple minutes and a heart to preach so gimme pennies on the dollar while i kill the beats RE-

JOICE! this is not a hobby for the likes of me, but a picture of the man that id like to be. using talents for the kingdom not a prophet scheme.

POISED! Standing on the precipice of life and death with a dagger in my lung let me take breath and put it all up on the table, ima do my best.

CHOICE! Even at the bottom you embody this, with a stomach full of pills and a bloody wrist, there is nothing to compare to a love like His

T.B.C...

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Yikes

Its pretty bad when you have writers block with absolutely no deadlines or requirements. I guess that just goes to show that even things that come easy to people are not always easy. Of course, I could ramble for a couple of paragraphs and end up with nothing that even vaguely resembles a coherent thought, but instead I think I will just say Que Sera Sera, and call it a night. 

I will write. What i write may not be profound or classic, but it will be mine. And it will not be tonight.

C.A.

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What Goes In

“You are what you eat,” the adage goes. And it’s true. You can literally feel the substance of what you’ve consumed taking affect on your stomach and coursing through your veins. It’s a wonder we don’t make more of a priority of the quality and nutrition in our food. It seems we’re so concerned about so many of the external artifacts that exibit and pay little or no concern over the food we consume. It’s no wonder we rot from the inside out, spending a lifetime chasing fads on the outside and wasting opportunities to strengthen our bodies within.

What goes into our bodies is responsible for fueling our activity throughout the day. As such, it directly effects the quality of work we produce. It also efects the quality of life we enjoy. Eating the right things in the right portions and at the right times can make a tremendous difference in the world we live in. It contributes to our mood and our health. We should pay more attention to the food we eat. 

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The Fragility of Imagination

Before we’re broken and beaten into submission, before we’re brainwashed and taught what to think, before our dreams are crushed and our inspiration grounded we possess the purest, most limitless imagination available. As a child we are perhaps the freest creatures available. An epoch of evolution to keep of safe from many of the dangers of the natural world and all the inspiration necessary to escape the bounds of Earth. I wonder about the precise moment in each person’s life that our creativity is critically lacerated and we begin to hemorrhage faith in everything. Do you think you can feel it? If so, does the pain of anxiety and disappointment overshadow is?

When I was very young, perhaps in kindergarten, I remember riding in the car with my mother and asking her what I could be when I grew up. “You can be whatever you want to be,” she promised. Now firmly ensconced in my thirties I am fully aware of all the things I will never be. I’ve mourned the thousands of versions of myself who’s opportunities to manifest have come and gone. I’ve buried them and I’m nurturing still others through hospice as they exhale their potency into the void breath by resentful breath waiting to expire. And while I hold their frigid hands, stiff with atrophy and neglect, hoping to comfort each person into the sweet by-and-by with dignity and respect, I reflect on the declaration made by my mother, wondering and ultimately realizing in grim fashion that at the moment of her proclamation I absolutely could’ve been this version of me that I now accompany bedside. And like most deaths, I will not feel sadness for the faithful departed. I may even feel relief in the absolution that comes from their death. Rather I will feel sorry for the core of me that will have to go on with with the mundaneness of life - laundry, bills, jobs - without the person I might’ve been.

How tragic that there is a point in many of our lives where we can be whatever we want and that we’re not baptized in inspiration and motivation, set ablaze with confidence and direction, and given a course to realize the potential for greatness within us. How tragic that most people will only go on to exist enough to do exactly what everyone and anyone is capable of doing - eating, expelling waste, breeding, and sleeping. What wastes of potential, like batteries left in the kitchen junk drawer rendered useless by the passing of time. How many lights could they have powered. How many roads could those lights have lit? How many answers could they have shed light on? How much darkness might they have expelled?

NAH

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Why Write?

The point of writing is to express ideas with a medium that allows us to articulate things we might not otherwise be able to articulate. When we say things with speech we can express inflection and tone, we can use pace and rhythm to create an effect. When we communicate through images we use light and shadow, texture, focus, and perspective to convey meaning. When we write we use characters, words, and the spaces between them in a very concrete, two-dimensional arena (a page or a screen) to transmit a myriad of abstract four-dimensional concepts like space and time, tone, and even the author’s intent.

The astronomer and philosopher Carl Sagan said, “What an astonishing thing a book is. It's a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you're inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of time. A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic.”

What profound insight on the form of writing. If children were taught this perspective in the earliest stages of life literature would take on an entirely new meaning. It might spawn an enlightenment as great as when the printing press was invented and literacy became accessible to the masses.

NAH

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Time goes by

What? All this time. Where did it go? Tonight's big news is that my friends and I picked a date for a weekend getaway. Super excited. First time getting away like this. Now it's time to plan...

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Grounds

How has coffee become so ubiquitous. And how has it come to be so trendy. I see coffee everyday and everywhere and it amazes me, not because everybody drinks it, but because of the amount of marketing and advertising that is poured into it. I have THREE versions of it in my own kitchen (instant, drip, and cold brew) and more than one apparatus for preparing it! I also have a preloaded card for purchasing from Minuti, which has become a sort of anti-Starbucks. On top of that I rarely even go to Minuti BECAUSE it is so much like a Starbucks. It's even in a building which used to be a Starbucks. No, I find myself searching out smaller, privately owned, boutique coffee sellers. I enjoy an eclectic range of places, some grungy and hip, some bougie and sleek. I order from these places all the while patting myself on the back that I'm not at a Starbucks and scoffing at the other patrons drinking there for being so full of themselves. Haha! It's insane. I also seek out rare or small batch coffees like hard-to-find collectibles. I find them at coffee shops and nifty local shops and even farmers markets. I think it's phenomenal how something so humble and down to earth can take on such cultural dimensions. Truth be told I'm having to get away from coffee. It's best enjoyed when it's least likely for me to justify it; namely in the late afternoon or early evening. Grabbing a cup and throwing it down first thing in the morning burns me out and caters too much to my compulsive nature. Usually just water in the mornings. But if I see a new coffee place or run across a previously undiscovered product it's hard for me to resist the urge to sew into the economy. Damn you, coffee. Why you do this?

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February

I find it hard to believe February has come and gone. Far too much has happened. I feel good about the way 2017 has started and confident in how it will unfold. There is so much life around us that it's easy to miss the forest for the trees. Storytelling may be the best way to capture the myriad of narratives that are playing out in front of us every day. Unfortunately it seems like people scarcely have enough time to breathe.

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Yes you are...

I was having this internal dialogue with my self when my defeated, negative self said “Im just not consistent. In every area, I am failing because I don't follow through consistently.”

And then my grounded, spiritual self said, “But, yes, you are. You consistently complain. You consistently start the day without a clear plan. You consistently loose focus. You consistently criticize success. You consistently expect too much of yourself. You consistently make excuses about why today will fail. You consistently put crappy food in your body. You consistently stay up too late. I’d say you are PRETTY FREAKING CONSISTENT.”

Hmm...easy tiger. Ok I get your point. So that begs the question, why is it easier to be consistent with things that keep me defeated than it is to be consistent with things that move me closer to the life I think I could have?

Well one thought comes to mind. That is...habit. Old habits (from the old world) die hard. Habits are formed specifically because you DONT have to THINK about them. They save time, energy, resources. You just do it the same over and over and it yields consistent results. So, it stands to reason that changing the habits will change the fruit on the tree (good fruit=tree good. bad fruit=tree bad. don't like the fruit? change the tree).

Old habits were functional for a purpose, for a time, for a season, for a relationship, for a cause, for survival. But some habits no longer serve their purpose. And then they have the opposite effect. For example a rope or wire used to stabilize a tree as it is growing, will one day need to be cut off. The tree no longer needs it. But if you don't cut it off, it will dig into the side of the bark and damage the tree. What was once essential for proper growth becomes a hinderance to growth when its usefulness expires.

So what habits am I holding on to that are keeping me tethered to immature growth? Well, lets start with complaining. That is a pretty easy one. Happens all day long.

I would say at one point it was relevant to have the ability to diagnose what was no working. Once that has been identified, a plan should be put in place to adjust the issue. If not, that awareness just turned into bitterness. One behavior is powerful (action plan) and one behavior is powerless (sedentary criticism).

So here is my action step. When I complain about something, I will sit at the conference table in my mind and ask the question, “what exactly is the problem here.” (There is a limited amount of time and energy available for diagnosis. Then we have to act, try something, move on. Just like a surgical team with a dying patient. We don't have all day. We will pull our resources, experience, expertise together to diagnosis, but then we have to act.)

When I have identified the problem, my next act will be to decide what I am going to do about it. Enough with this complaining and criticizing. Lets get ON WITH IT! 

What are you going to DO about it. Be powerful. Think. Identify. Act. Regroup. Try again. But for the love of God, enough already. Cut the string. Lets go!!

JRV

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Picking up the slack

For anyone who has spent any amount of time in the workforce, it is understood that there will always be people who are not willing to carry their own weight. I call them occupational socialists. they want all the benefits of a well paying job without putting forth the prescribed effort to accomplish daily tasks, instead spending the majority of their productivity on finding ways yo avoid work. I first really noticed these people in the Army of all places. You would think that an all volunteer army would be filled with motivated individuals ready to do whatever was necessary to protect the freedoms we have come to appreciate as Americans. But in even in this most honorable of occupations, it was not hard and did not take long to find people who were willing to let all of their comrades carry their weight...sometimes literally. Today, as I work a sometimes tough and physical Highway Maintenance job, I find the same types of people. It makes me wonder what the differences are in upbringings or life experiences that separates these people from everyone else. 

Now I will be the first to admit that there are days when I drag my feet to get started. Im like an old diesel engine that you try to cold start. At first you think there is no way it will ever turn over, but once it does, you have a highly motivated machine that only quits when it is told to. Everyone has experienced days of discomfort or a lack of motivation, but for most people these are the exception and not the rule. It used to really bug me to see these people getting away with avoiding assigned tasks and banking on the fact that the boss will probably be to busy to ever really do anything about it. or more likely, that the boss doesnt want the headache of trying to do something about it. Nowadays Im a little more relaxed about this because I have seen that other peoples actions very rarely affect someones opinion of me or my work ethic. Still though, it can be pretty frustrating to be on a job with two other men who are being compensated at a higher rate then you, who you know are rarely doing the same amount of work you are. In the end, the job got done. The job will always get done when it is in my power to assure that result, even when I dont want to.

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Gym

Went to the gym today. Torched some calories. Presently alternating heat and ice with a side of anti inflammatories. Oh the joys of fitness…

JRV

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For shame

I wrote last night. A typical lengthy wandering post filled with insight and wisdom and personal discovery. Well, the interwebs stole it. So just imagine it was wonderful and exciting to read. C.A.

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Lions and tigers and bears

I remember now why I have this nagging dislike for college. And it has everything to do with registering for classes. This is not my wheel house. Advisors and VA counselors class selection...these are a few of my least favorite things. But since i am in the spirit of learning, i will do my best to welcome these challenges with a sunny disposition. I think there is a balance to things. A yin and yang if you will. My goal will be to find that balance while remaining patient yet driven. In other news, today was leg day at the gym. I went hard because, well, duh. I know i will feel this for the next few days, and im ok with that. I have been more motivated to align my health with what i know to be true than ever before. I am reminded of the scripture about our bodies being temples. I also remember that i used to childishly think that meant tattoos were bad. But with proper reflection, it is clear that God not only implores us to live healthy lives spiritually, but also physically. I have not let myself go to the point i feel i can no longer be productive or protective if the situation called for it, but i also know im not where i could be. And if we take a deeper look at the macro level, it is easy to see how one area of neglect quickly begins to effect other areas. A lack of discipline in my diet quickly begins to weaken my immune system. A weak immune system makes me susceptible to illness. Illness decreases the chances of having motivation to pursue goals. Not having goals will begin to weaken my resolve to set new goals or follow through with current goals or commitments. This will soon give way to a quasi depressive state that will then spiral in to a lifestyle of acceptance of how things are. Being satisfied with good enough has never been a staple in my family, but it can exist given the right conditions. Now im not saying that mountain dew will make you depressed and complacent, but there is quantifiable evidence to suggest that a person physical well being greatly impacts their mental and spiritual well being. This is not new news. But for the first time in a long time i am starting to connect dots where i used to see isolated events. A garden thrives when every facet of its maintenance is tended to. And lifes a garden...DIG IT! C.A.

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Two for two

Last night we were up late having a “heart to heart, come to Jesus, it stops now” kinda conversation with our oldest son. Tonight our oldest daughter decided she needed to talk. Hello 11pm. Nice to see you. It’s been a while. I guess my husband and I are not the only ones getting e'er thing drug out in the light. Here’s to a freedom FAMILY!

JRV

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Being

It’s been a long day. Productive and satisfying and long. I’m grateful to have spent so many minutes doing. I love doing. I love doing and affecting and producing.

The day started off with waking before my appointed time. As it is, Diego wakes and has the restroom, then Guillermo, then Ligia, then me. But I was up and breathing purpose.

I began with my usual grooming then sat on the couch and began plugging away at my requisite assignments. After a spell I decided I’d be better suited outside of my abode, dressed and presentable, with an air of dutifulness.

I made my way to HEB and ordered breakfast. I applied my effort to work on two separate devices, one for one job and the other for another. I’m writing, I’m producing content, I’m informing, I’m exhilarated. Coffee only serves to slows me down when I’m in this state.

The morning carries on and now I’m interacting with people. I’m doing things I haven’t done, wearing clothes I haven’t worn, saying things I’ve never said. I do this with purpose. I don’t do it to make my parents proud anymore, for they’re not watching. I don’t do these things to pride myself, because I also know what lows I’m capable of finding. I do everything I do right now knowing that whoever needs what I can provide NEEDS what I can provide and I do it comfortable in the knowledge that more capable people have come before and will come after me.

I leave this station and drive to another. It’s a meeting of partners with more experience and education and qualification. I know I am in good company and equally yolked but I also recognize my limitations within this context and it doesn’t impede me. Rather it seduces me to contribute where I know I’ll have the most potency. I’m not a trailblazer here. I’m a pathfinder.

I finish here and make my way back to the other station. I meet people again, I shake hands firmly, I smile genuinely but with motivation. I’m representative of a larger whole. I posit, I quip, I chide, I advise. I’m suspended above the goings on around me even though I’m symbiotic with my environment.

My time winds down and I prepare myself for my ultimate appointment. The lady will need tribute. Tonight I bring her a curiosity, black crackers. The boys need validation. I bring them beverages. Same brand, same product, same size, different flavors. This is to show equality and distinction both.

I’m the last to go to bed. I check locks and tighten blinds, I set the thermostat and tidy odds and ends, I bathe and groom and I take my place in bed.

This is about 75% of the routine I find myself enjoying these days. I left out an important phone conversation, some other interactions, and a movie critique. But by and large this is how I feel most comfortable right now. This is when I’m at peace. When I have no time to be sad is when I’m the happiest.

NAH

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Humility and Power

I went to a women's event tonight and the speaker shared her thoughts on humility. One of three points was that in order to be humble, we should make ourselves nothing. She quoted Paul in the New Testament who "counted it all loss" except that he be known in Christ. Well i have trouble with the idea of making myself nothing. Jesus was not arrogant but he was powerful. He knew who he was and was not insecure. As a person overcoming toxic shame and low self worth, its confusing to think i should tell myself i am nothing. I am something (someone) but as i draw close to him my value is truly revealed and affirmed. Apart from him i am nothing. Like a branch apart from the vine. But with Him I am someone with value and purpose and power. I do, however, believe this applies to me in that i should not think highly of myself because of my accomplishments and not high in comparison to others. My value does not come from accomplishments in any form, no matter how good. And others dont decrease in value because of what they have not done. JRV