egg-bunnn

[egg-bunnn]

soul tie

bruh I talk too much about my ex boyfriend !!! and it’s not good for me and i’m pretty sure that no one is interested !! HHHH 

that’s the way it is i guess

i don’t wanna be like “I need a new boyfriend to stop” 

I can’t tell if I miss him or not. I don’t feel it in my heart anymore but it still haunts me like this. I need to stop. I heard about this metaphor for a soul tie: if you take two planks of wood and glued them together, they would obviously be stuck. but if you were to suddenly rip them apart, there would be remaining pieces from each piece to each plank. That’s how it feels when you break up with someone who you’ve given a lot to and received a lot from. 

i saw his girlfriend at school today. she ignored me. my roommate said she looked behind at us when she passed by and that she was linking arms with another boy. 

ro deserves more than her. but it’s not my place as his ex to tell him about it if it were true. it just annoyed me that i have and would have treated him better. I hope they break up for the sake of himself, not for me. but lowkey also for me. lowkey.

there aren’t any people at my new school that catch my eye. but i’m friends with this boy. I’m not into him romantically, but he is kind and caring and protective and loyal and it makes me have faith that there are more people like him out there that i have yet to meet. and i think about ro sometimes and i think about how if i were to date someone who wasn’t as great as he was to me, then I would just be playing myself and it would prove to myself that I’m desperate when i just need to patient. my friend and his girlfriend have such a cute relationship and it reminds me of how it used to be and that it can happen again if I’m patient. 

I mean, it’s only been a year. and he was my only boyfriend.

gondry - hyukoh

[egg-bunnn]

My Darling,

It is a new year. We are here, but not as quite as we once were. I’m sorry if you are hurt by this. 

There were a few reasons why it must be like this. Unsynchronized timing put us on different tempos; we march to the beat of our own drum. Drumming is something you work very hard on. You devote much of your time to it, but I cannot wait for you like this. I must push forward and allow myself to grow during this critical transition in my life right now. It would have been perfect, but there are things I am not able to compromise.

Intimacy with you scared me. I fell asleep to your voice, I woke up to it as well, and I had never felt a spark so sacred for a long time. Sitting next to you, talking to you until sunrise, playing with your hair through my fingers, it was so genuine, so raw. I cared for you and you cared for me unconditionally and I never second guessed that. I always second guess that. There was an attraction that was almost magnetic. Though innocent, it was passionate. Though simple, it was complex. It was alarming because I got attached in such a way that could not be reality. So I had to stop. I had to distract.

I want to be the person you come to when you want to laugh, when you need to cry, when you want to relax, when you need to scream, when you need advice, when you just want to talk, when you want something new to listen to. You are very special to me and I hold you close to my heart. I hope this message convinces you of this.

You are home to me, my darling. But I will be leaving soon. When I think about it, it makes me sad. I hope you learn a lot about yourself and the world. I hope that you are kind and compassionate to other people and smile a lot. I hope you are happy and can see the light in every situation. You are loved.

1/11. 1:11 am I wish that we can be okay.

Lauren

[egg-bunnn]

strike two (there’s more but let’s just say strike two)

yeah um. it’s been a solid two months where i’ve been over you completely.

i never understand why i just allow you to trample on me when i’m so good to you. i don’t have feelings for you, i know that for sure, but i guess i’m still not over the fact that you do the same things with her that you did with me, plus more. i guess i’m not over the fact that you publicize your relationship with her more than you did with me. i guess i’m not over the fact that your family knows her as your girlfriend, and that i’m not anymore. the million dollar question is: can ex soulmates truly stay friends?

you obviously still mean a lot to me. i’ve put up with so much of your shit this summer but i put it all behind me. on top of that i’ve been so enthusiastic around you, i’ve been dismissive and even encouraging at times of your current relationship. you know i’m a very expressive person and i always have vocalize my concerns as a mean relief. it’s because of you i learned how to keep it to myself. aren’t you proud?

sharing music with you is different. it always has been. it’s been an intimate connection that we shared since day one and i thought that it was something special. you show me music now and i never retain them. i show you music now and you save them. it’s ironic because you would think it would be the other way around. i still have music i want to show you.

stop getting so close to my face and stop touching me. i won’t ever tell you this because even though i’ve been able to let go so much of you, there’s still that small percentage that wavers. other than carson, you’re the only one who initiates that sort of touch with me. yeah it’s platonic i know but at least he’s platonic about platonic touch and knows what BOUNDARIES are. you’re! not platonic!! about platonic touch!! wtf!! also you dated me once so you’re cancelled!! bye!!

[egg-bunnn]

hey not to be dramatic but

all of my friends are celebrating “friendsgiving” and I found out through snapchat. i’m not even generally someone who gets particularly jealous when something like this happens. but you know, after a summer of heartbreak and isolation, and after your best friends recently stop talking to you, it’s gonna feel a little raw to see everyone who’re supposed to care about you celebrating their gratitude for each other without you. i don’t know, maybe that’s just me? it’s funny: the host is my friend who reached out to me for a shoot this week... and my ex who tries very hard to remain friends with me probably never suggested to the group that maybe i’d like to be included?

i think i’m being petty.

but i think i also have some sort of justification. he’s been really...touchy with me lately. nothing technically inappropriate but if you were just a bystander, you might infer that we were together. he knows me. we dated for two and a half years. he knows that i like when he places his hands on my head, or when he plays with my hair; he’s pulled me close to him and caressed my thigh on bus rides when he’s sleepy; he’d bring my face close to his and stare into my eyes. i know he doesn’t mean anything by it. because i know him too. but what the fuck! i’m more confused than concerned, really. if anything, i think he’s trying to connect with me so that we don’t become distant and that our friendship can stay tight. but yoooo,,,, that’s not the right way to do it. i’m still physically comfortable with his touch but that doesn’t mean i am emotionally. if he’s still dating valerie then what is he doing??? pls stop playing with my feelings, you don’t know how much strength it took to get over you.

my other best friend is really hyper-competitive. like the petty kind. she deleted my comment on her post about feeling appreciated when people post her content, because i said “me tooo!” i’d dismiss it because it really is quite small of a disturbance – but it adds up. it’s like she doesn’t want me to do well – wait no, that’s not right – she doesn’t want me to do as well as she tries to be. i don’t think she notices that i noticed, so now i’m just being lowkey. but i’m having trouble being happy for someone who can’t be the same for me.

i decided to watch baby driver because i really wanted to immersed in something that would make me feel and uplift my mood. i live for meticulous symbolism and soundtracks to Life. there is so much detail i’d love to discuss with xander. this film reminds me of him. there’s an essay on monday for the class i have a c and four missing assignments in. college applications are due on thursday. but this film,, wow.

[egg-bunnn]

intro

I’m currently sitting here in this coffeeshop, writing my personal statements for university and feeling kind of reflective. One of my dear friends is back in town from UCSD and he is coming to visit me very soon. I realized that, though this college application process is stressful, in about a year I will looking back on it with a certain nostalgia.

I’m making this page as kind of a journal because I don’t keep up in my written one as quite as much as I’d like to. This will be a space where I can just empty the noise in my head. If you are reading this, thank you for being here :) I really appreciate your time.