ellfiot

[ellfiot]

If the demon blade could help me manage my intestinal condition I might try it tbh. One of the most uncomfy experiences is trying to wipe off diarrhea when your asscrack is already chapped and bleeding from wiping up previous diarrhea. Wet wipes can help but they’re not as eco friendly as the bidet.

person who owns a bidet: noooo girl i swear i know you've heard it before but it's really a life changer i swear it'll change your life it fixes everything it feels awesome it really changed my life it'll change your life

[ellfiot]

Fun fact! The reason most string instruments are designed to be fretted with the left hand is that most people find it fairly easy to find a note with Handy Hand, but to do it consistently with Limb they have to have memorized the motion so well they can repeat it without looking at the strings.

Limb is faithful sidekick but the only times it outshines Handy Hand are when muscle memory is more important than following instructions the first time they’re given.

I'm ambidextrous in the sense that either of my hands could be just as easily trained for any task, but I use my right hand for almost everything because the world is built for right-handed people. I frequently forget that it's a thing before someone goes "wait, are you left-handed? :0" when I'm in the middle of something, and I look down and the tool I was working with is in my left hand. I've just been doing the left-hand side with my left hand and right-hand side with my right, and it literally didn't occur to me that this was a dominant-hand-only sort of a task.

It's genuinely a foreign thought to me that there are people who strictly have only one good side. Like oh yes, here are my upper appendages: Handy Hand and Limb.

[ellfiot]

I think one of the main reasons there are so many mythical creatures that want to drown humans is that since the dawn of time, children have overestimated their swimming abilities and are less drownable if they believe there’s a witch/monster/spirit that lives in the local body of water and loves eating kids.

what im learning from my ''potentially traumatic event that didnt traumatize you'' post is that everybody in the world has a story about almost drowning. hell personally i've got four of em. youd think this would make people want to go in water less but no. human beings love their wet and cannot be stopped.

[ellfiot]

I clearly remember being shook when I learned adoption was possible. I was 4 and absorbing the simplified version of the birds and the bees my mom had just given me to explain her pregnancy.

My follow up question was “if all babies are made of one mommy cell and one daddy cell, why doesn’t Gracie look like her mommy and daddy?”

Gracie was my best friend, and up until that point I had never questioned the logistics of her being a black girl with white parents.

Mom explained that Gracie’s first mommy had given her up and Ms Jennifer and Mr Randy had adopted her to be their baby instead.

I was blown away.

I had just learned that it takes 9 whole months to make a baby and then it comes out your private parts. Why would you go all through that and not keep the baby?! Babies are so cute!

That whole concept seemed way wilder than God just getting bored of matching kids to same looking parents and deciding to mix it up sometimes.

Adoption - Gator Days

[ellfiot]

The other night husband and I were watching a documentary about the yeti where they were doing DNA analysis of samples of supposed yeti fur, and every one of them came back as bears.

Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.

So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.

Bears. They’re everywhere. Be wary. Anyone or anything could be a bear.

[ellfiot]

Thinking about the difference between intelligence and wisdom in dnd and realized that I have a story about real life stat checks that I’ve heard since I was little:

When my mom was in high school, she wanted to be in the Gifted and Talented program because they got to take cool field trips and most of her friends (including my dad) were in it.

The test was definitely an INT check, the administering teacher read out problems and required answers quickly. Unfortunately, mom struggles with auditory processing and so had a disadvantage. She didn’t pass.

But she didn’t give up! On a WIS saving throw she remembered that the program also accepted students talented in the arts.

So she choreographed and performed a pointe ballet routine (DEX check) and submitted a video of it to the school. A local ballet teacher vouched that Mom’s routine showed a gift for dancing and she got to go on adventures with her friends/party.

Mom has always claimed that outwitting the Gifted and Talented admission system was a clear sign of a gift/talent.

I’m now imagining a Druid/Rogue getting into Wizard Club on account of the fact that dancing on pointe is clearly an unnatural ability.

(Fr tho, my little sister dances on pointe and she says that moving like that burns until your feet go numb, but after that it’s okay, as long it doesn’t take too much skin off.)

[ellfiot]

Percy Jackson: the college years.

CREATURE????

[ellfiot]

Fun fact, the ancient Persians actually did wear pants into battle and the Romans thought they were sissies for doing that.

I’m sure toxic masculinity wasn’t the only reason they wore mini skirts to war but apparently it contributed to not stopping.

Thinking about how ancient soldiers used to march for long distances with no pants. Either they chafed like nobody’s business or they wrapped their thighs because jeez

[ellfiot]

this is so fucking funny I love sharks

[ellfiot]

[ellfiot]

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Look buddy, i’m just trying to make it to Friday.

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[ellfiot]

The easiest solution would be to cut up the messy toast and eat it with a fork, but that still doesn’t necessarily constitute the imaginary toast that the 2 year old wanted.

It’s really tough when you have creative ideas above your skill level, it’s even tougher when you have creative ideas above your reality level.

This morning my child (soon to be 3) requested that I make him toast "with creamy peanut butter on the bottom and crunchy peanut butter on the top."

ME: You mean put peanut butter on both sides?

HIM: Yes.

ME, getting into "sometimes kids have to experience the natural consequences of their actions" parenting mode: Okay, I'll do it, but you know that's gonna be really messy, right?

He insisted, and then when it was, indeed, really messy, he sobbed inconsolably on the floor. I offered to make him regular toast, or a sandwich of peanut butter toast, or a triple-decker tower of toast slices, or any other iteration of peanut butter and toast, but nothing made it better. His vision had not come to fruition. He was crushed.

His dad was in a Zoom meeting upstairs—we're all home because it's a snow day—and came down to find out what terrible ill had befallen us to cause so much wailing.

"Oh," he said. "I see. You wanted non-Euclidean geometry. Hypertoast."

[ellfiot]

Lowkey this is a bit like I imagine a hive mind made up of many individuals to be like. Not every being cares about dandelion crayons, but they all learn of their return at once and instantly check in with that one hive member who is totally psyched about it.

Sometimes I love the internet, actually. Incomprehensibly huge place but also so small. Saw a video on Instagram where Crayola was announcing they’re coming out with a box with some limited edition previously retired colors, including Dandelion. This video had hundreds of comments and almost all of them where “omg where’s the dandelion crayon girl she’s going to be so happy” and it was such an unimportant thing, but it was just cute

[ellfiot]

musk is going to die in a Tesla explosion in 6 months after sticking his nose where it doesn't belong and we will never get a conclusive answer on whether it was a CIA car bomb or just a normal Tesla malfunction

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[ellfiot]