elsnotesappoutakes

[elsnotesappoutakes]

i’m a star.

i sit there dancing across the sky every night

and i’m the brightest compared to the rest, nearly blinding .

i can’t go unnoticed.

i rival the moon.

and when you close your eyes i’m still there,

flashing technicolour in the black

even when you’re not thinking of me i’m still there behind your eyes

you just couldn’t miss it.

- el

[elsnotesappoutakes]

Soup

I came home today and had a bowl of soup.

Soup is a hearty meal,

Warm, comforting and reliving from the autumn cold.

Soup feels like a hug, and sometimes all I crave is a bowl of soup.

Since you left there is a tin constantly sitting in my cupboard.

I always eat soup listening to Blue and Red.

It reminds me of you, and those weird things that you do.

My favourite is tomato soup, even though its and plain stains your teeth,

It a best seller for a reason.

I will always have bread with my tomato soup, it fills me better,

They never sell them in a deal together though, I must pick it myself.

When I think about it, since you left , all I eat is soup.

I get lost in the vibrant colour, falling down the whirlpool made by the spoon.

And I think of you.

I’m thinner now, I think that’s because of the soup.

I could eat something else, but I don’t want to.

I chase the feeling it gives me.

It the only way I can get to grips with the autumn cold.

17/10/23

[elsnotesappoutakes]

Thoughts on Heartbreak.

For as long as there is summer, there will be summer flings. Fuelled by the sticky heat and optimism of sunshine; fleeting love affairs are tragically common at this time of year. However, this year they seem overly present, albums I enjoy portray brutal interpretations of such events, every time I open TikTok I’m warned of some cataclysmic astrological event that will ruin my love life or some girl who’s just been ghosted by her summer situationship and even every tv show I watch I see mirrors of interactions I’ve had since May. Maybe it’s my own echo chamber, spawned from my own thoughts and feelings but it seems of though this year was witness to the summer of inconsequential love.

My summer started by falling in love. Falling in love with someone that felt so unattainable and perfect it wasn’t real. We met at a bar in May, and I had failed to break up with my boyfriend the week before. You could visualise the sparks flying from us as though we were two protagonists meeting at the start of some bittersweet 2000s rom com, slowly leaning in, pupils growing and smiles lingering. Two days later I broke up with that boyfriend in the morning and went on a date with my lover in the evening. It felt all too surreal, all too euphoric, in hindsight you can tell it was doomed, nothing ever starts that good without a tragic ending, the story simply wouldn’t be good enough.

My love affair ended a few weeks ago, like I’m assuming so many others have. It was mild, and emotional, no flames, just two people being vulnerable and hating how cruel their honesty was being. Summers ended, the films have ended, and we must all return to normality and reality. Ever since my breakup, I have been looming on the concept of heartbreak and what it does to an individual. It’s a time and feeling of great sadness, one where your heart feels like its being sucked into a void that pulling at everything inside of you and all you can think of is their smile, their laugh, all the little mundane moments that made you feel loved so massively. It’s brutal, the most similar experience I can think of is death, but somehow crueller as that person gets to go on knowing every side of you and you every side of them, but now you’re forced to act like strangers despite once being each other’s best friends.

The worst part and best part of heartbreak is acceptance. You finally recognise the tragic reasoning for your parting, if its you, if its them, it doesn’t matter – but it will always involve someone putting themselves first. In a good or bad way, the one left heartbroken is often a victim of someone’s own self-fulfilment even if it was a difficult decision of the other to make. Hence, the sharp stab of honesty in these moments. On the other hand, acceptance is the first step towards moving forward. There are no more questions, there’s no more overwhelming emotion, it’s the quiet end to a brutal emotional storm.

The effect of a breakup, especially one when you’re still very in love can be much akin to a hurricane. It comes in roaring, creating anxiety, insecurity and anger, demolishing the bedrock of our egos. We question our attractiveness, our personality, our effort, our kindness, our naivety – everything we ever gave to the person. But then, we reach acceptance and contentment with our loss, we mourn our time together, we mourn all the futures we could have had, but we finally realise that no matter how much we fix, how much were willing to sacrifice, if someone truly wants to leave its solely an issue with them, and we can call them selfish but the reality is that we empathise and we understand and we have to let them go.

The thing with life is that we very rarely plan something out, in careers, in family, in friends, we often fall and stumble into these people and experiences, and I think this is very true of love. If someone wants to leave, I someone rejects you, I someone uses you – they were never meant for you. Love should be like a puzzle piece perfectly slotting in, not something forced in the gap because its eventually going to spring out. These great love affairs will shape us, teach us and help us grow but we shouldn’t force them to be something they’re not meant to be. We should take them as a lesson in how to love. And eventually, after so many lessons in love you’ll stumble and fall into someone who sees you as a part of their self-fulfilment instead of an obstacle and it will all be worth it then.

[elsnotesappoutakes]

“I don't know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely.”

Sylvia Plath