empyreal-archives

[empyreal-archives]

121522

Tonight was freeing.

My morning started out as a rush—my first jeep got stuck in a 20 minute traffic; most of my kids from work were either late, cranky, or both. Nothing ever went right, so it seemed.

But then, I saw him through today’s chaos. Quite literally, which caught me off guard and froze me. He was having his lunch at Gesu as he would before. And there I stood, completely frozen and tongue-tied.

Through my awkwardness, he melted through. “Pili ka, A or B?” he suddenly asked. “Hmm, B.” I told him. He showed me the notebook he was holding and pointed to the debt’s amount written by Tita Dang. “Oh ayan babayaran mo, hindi yung 100+ pesos.” I laughed. I felt free since then.

He picked me up from work too, alongside Ate Jowee. We were a couple of minutes late from church already. When he parked his car, he announced that he has gifts for us both.

Upon entering church, the word was about Jesus being among us—about how he comes through and fulfills every word and promise; how faithful he is to his word; how he would move and eventually arrive. And then, we were asked to pray for a partner. Ate Jowee, Gab, and I formed a trio instead. And he insisted that he would pray for me (clockwise).

He prayed that I would see the Lord in every season I go through; that for whatever my desires of my heart were, they would manifest and come true; that no matter what my season may be, it brings me closer to Him.

We head over dinner (McDonald’s) and he insisted I order for myself (because I would normally copy what he would order). Ate Jowee also insisted that I pray over our meal because I told her how my goal for 2023 was to improve my faith. And they let me pray. Without judgement.

We talked about our goals for 2023. I told them I wanted to grow in my faith; how I wanted to find meaning and purpose in life. And that’s when Ate Jowee and Gab pointed out how I always kept mentioning about feeling lost and having a great deal of difficulty finding about my purpose. Ate Jowee then mentions how excited she was for me—how she saw me as a seed.

Gabriel then asked me what I felt. Was I at peace? Restless, perhaps? Because I can take it in a way that me having no purpose in life may be Lord’s way of telling me to just rest, surrender, and let it be, which led to Ate Jowee to ask which area of our lives we’re currently having difficulty surrendering in.

On the way home, I finally managed to tell Gab how I dreamt of his mother, which shocked him. I told him how she told me to be careful. I shared more details, no matter how blurry. I described the setting (we were inside a building, the interior was mostly wood), the context (she was sitting at a corner while I was talking to a friend about Gab which then she suddenly joined in our conversation). Gab says this is something she would do as his mother had poor social skills. He asked whether her voice is deep or high pitched, to which I answered I no longer remember. All I know is she talked to me and her face seemed blurry too. But I knew it was her, because he mentioned Gab’s name too. He thanked me and assured me that he indeed needed to know that (because as nervous as I had been the past month about safekeeping that dream since I wouldn’t know how he’d react, I insisted on telling him because he might be feeling lonelier than usual; that his mother loves him that much to the point of visiting me in my dreams). He also told me how he’d think about it the entire night; and that I should feel free to share if something similar comes up in the future.

[empyreal-archives]

One of the best tropes to ever exist is Idiots To Lovers

Where Person A pines helplessly after Person B, and is somehow oblivious to the fact that B likes them back despite how obvious it is

And then there's Person B who is oblivious to not just A's feelings, but also their own. They think they have suddenly developed a heart disease or something

It's obvious to literally EVERYONE but them

The frustration and urge to scream at them is one of the best feelings ever

[empyreal-archives]

112422

At lunch, his best friend--Anne--sat with me.

"Teacher Cael, may boyfriend ka na ba?" She begins to ask. I laughed, too scared to admit that I like her best friend.

"Sabihin mo na," Tita Dang teases. "Si Patrick ba 'to?" Anne probes. I immediately shook my head. "Matagal na lumipas 'yan. Wala talaga," I responded. "Si Gelo ba 'yan? Joke, may girlfriend na 'yon," she comments. "Beshie ko ba 'to?" she then suddenly asks.

My smile widens and I turn to Tita Dang. She begins to chuckle to herself which Anne immediately caught on.

"Huy, umaasa na ako. Beshie ko ba 'to?" She repeats herself. I whispered, "yes" and felt myself go crazy. To my surprise, Anne begins to squeal. I look at her, dumbfounded.

"Sabi na eh! Masyadong halata kasi si Gab," she admits. I continue to look at her with shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Was it possible that he feels the same for me, too?

"May chance ka! Huuuy, go Cael. Bata ko 'to!" Anne cheers me as she grabs me by my arms and violently shakes me. I continue to look at her in awe.

"Really?" I whispered in shaky breaths. "Huy, iiyak na 'ko," I add.

"'Wag ka. May chance ka. Alam ko kapag may gusto si Gab. Hindi siya ganyan sa ibang tao. Sa'yo lang," Anne assures me. "Sa eight years naming mag kaibigan, never niya akong tinratong ganyan. At saka alam mo ba, lagi ka niyang cinocompliment, lagi ka niyang bukambibig. Lagi niyang sinasabi, 'mabuti pa si Cael, willing to learn'."

"Sabi nga ng tito niyo, hindi ganyan si Gab. Hindi 'yan nag s-stay sa labas ng hanggang madaling araw. Lagi niyang dinadahilan si Irish noon, pero alam naman naming gusto niyang kasama si Cael," Tita Dang adds.

And I begin to tear up. For the first time, I cried out of inexplicable joy. I could never forget the soaring feeling I have felt at that moment. It was exhilirating, it was freeing. And then, fear came settling in.

"Aamin na ako sa kanya tonight," I tell the both of them. Anne squeals with joy and tells me, "yih, Tita Dang! Kinikilig ako. Feel ko maiiyak ako 'pag naging sila," she admits.

[empyreal-archives]

102122 (3:03 AM)

During the lengthy conversation we were having, we somehow ended up talking about Sir Pepe and how he "comforted" me during my breakup last 2018.

I told them about how he led me to the adult room to talk about my situation; how he held my hand (due to my fidgeting); how he unbuttoned his shirt to reveal his chest tattoo; how he asked insisted for a hug before we left the room. Gab then proceeded to point out that all of those were wrong in so many ways. First of all, though he was the OT chair at the time, he wasn't in the position to comfort me, no matter how good-intentioned he was.

At the deserted McDonald's Sindalan parking lot, Gab, Irish, and I stood in the middle, just about to go home.

After taking several photos for "visual memories" of the night, Gab and Irish went on about teasing me [as usual]. As a result of repeatedly using my Tata purse to hit them both, the purse's "strap" snapped. Irish then proceeded to fix it with her back turned at us.

As I stood there waiting for my purse to be fixed, I felt a grip on my wrist. It was Gab. Holding me. Pulling me with him. He was running, my steps follow him (though I remain to be confused).

"'Wag kang maingay," he whispers as he continues to hold me by the arm. Dear Lord, how electric that hold was. It was enough to send my head spiraling in that moment.

I find the beat to my steps and followed him. We ran towards the back of the parked truck, and then towards the drive thru, and then to the front of McDonald's itself. We found ourselves catching our breaths, but it all felt so exhilaratingly good.

The employees watches us from the inside. We didn't care. Instead, we stayed hidden as we spied on Irish who stood there confused. Just when she moved to find us, Gab hid behind me.

"Gulatin mo siya," he tells me. "Dali, dali!"

"Hindi ako marunong manggulat," I told him. "Paano manggulat? Paano?" I added. [he admits that he found himself thinking about this during his morning bath which instantly made him laugh]

A couple of minutes after the shenanigan, two men on a motorcycle aggressively approached us. Gab immediately backed up from where he stood and stood protectively beside me.

"Pwede po ba mahingi pangalan mo, miss?" one of the guys asked, pointing to me.

"Sorry, hindi pwede," Gab instantly responded.

He then immediately asked us to head home. He drove me and he was on guard the rest of the drive.

This morning, he entered the IE room where I was staying. Before dropping his bag, he changed his mind and said, "sa taas na lang ako."

I just let him go, yet a couple of seconds later, he came back at the room I was staying in and ultimately decided to stay.

Throughout the day, we witnessed how low our energies were as we stayed up the entire night (we all slept at 4:00 AM and had 9:00 AM duty at Gesu).

I was sunken and tired and my body felt physically terrible. To add up, Irish arrived at the center which put my head in full anxiety mode. She did her usual pranks on me (separating my slippers and shoes, placing things in my bag). On a normal day, it would have been fine. But I was so set on leaving and going home to rest and she won't budge--she even refuses to point out and admit where she hid half of my slippers and shoes. In the end, Kuya Mark found me dumbfounded by the shoe rack and even helped me to search for my missing shoe.

A couple of minutes passed by and Gab finished his feedback with Marcous' parent. He saw me and Kuya Mark aimlessly searching for my missing shoe. I was seeing red and on the verge of tears. I just wanted to be home. Irish went downstairs to give the shoe back and that's when I burst into tears. I was exhausted and not in the mood for it. I was shocked with how I reacted as well.

"Pagod siya today, Kuya Mark. Kulang sa tulog," Gab explained.

I kept assuring them that I was okay and that I was just out of it.

"Sabay ba kayo uuwi?" Gab asks me and Irish. We said "no" and he proceeded to ask me, "paano ka uuwi? Sabay ka na sa'kin." I told him I'd walk going out Gesu. He insisted that I go with him instead.

Later that night, he sent me a reel about overthinkers. Towards the end of the reel, there was a quick message saying, "Hey! Just a friendly reminder to be nice to yourself!"

(Note: he told me he arrived home at the exact same time Migy got home. Both of their cars met in front of their gate haha. "Bakit kakauwi mo lang?" Migy asked him. "Eh ikaw rin naman ngayon ka lang umuwi. 'Wag ka magtanong." Gab retorts, hahaha. Cute. God, I want to be part of their family.)

[empyreal-archives]

101422 • 00:10

After dropping Patrick off at his dorm nearby AUF Starbucks, our conversation easily drifted towards the topic of books.

“Gusto mo bang hiramin yung Narnia collection ko?” he suddenly asks.

I was stunned. No sane person would ever be comfortable to lend others their book.

“Really? Ang laki naman ng tiwala mo sa’kin,” I replied, too scared to say yes because who am I to borrow his adored books?

“Hindi ako normally nagpapahiram ng books kasi maselan ako [sa pag crack ng spine, highlights, etc.], pero mukhang okay naman sa’yo,” he responds. “Mabilis ka rin kasi magbasa ng libro kaya feel ko agad mo rin sila matatapos,” he adds.

At that point, I’m in over my head. Because just earlier yesterday, I shared this on @empyrealmuse:

He mentions how he was able to think about letting me borrow his books when we were at the church. I pointed out how random his church thoughts were and there I was thinking about the negus video.

Upon reaching my grandma’s front gate, we parked for a little while as our conversation drifted off towards the topic of books.

He mentioned how before me, there were no other readers who shared the same genre and interest as he did—Teacher Anne preferred books about politics and feminism; Teacher Don preferred faith and Christian books; and Gabriel preferred books with plot and stories as he was heavily influenced by his mother’s love for fantasy (much to Gabriel’s similarity with me, he didn’t consider self-help books as real books, haha).

He told me he wanted to see my perspective when I read Narnia as he saw parallels from the Bible. He also shared how he prefers the Old Testament more than the New Testament as it is mostly story-based. He tells me of how the Old Testament contained various genres such as romance.

At some point, he mentioned how he and his mom would often read up on different anecdotes about encounters with heaven and God during near-death experiences. I then brought up the film Heaven Is For Real and he was shocked to know that it was made as a film as he first read it as a book (his mom bought 50 copies to share with everyone).

If I didn’t love him before, I sure have fallen hard tonight.

[empyreal-archives]

100422

He endorsed Jaden to me today and gave compliments with my session with him, specifically, my table crawling. He said, “Pero ang ganda ng activity na ‘yan, kasi natatarget both motor planning and proprioception.”

[empyreal-archives]

093022

We spent two hours together.

I came down first at the cafeteria at 1:00 PM, the first hour of my lunch break. I approached his aunt who happened to be the cook at our center. I see his form approaching the door after a while and his eyes meet mine.

"Lunch break mo?" he asks. "Oo. Two hours. Lunch break mo rin?" I responded. "Dahil diyan, hindi na," he joked.

The first hour was unbearably awkward for some reason. It was mostly small talk here and there. We were sitting adjacent from each other, yet still out of reach. My new Tata purse face me and I fiddle with it from time to time.

Tita Dang, his aunt, would spare us a knowing glance as she passes us by. She would try to fight off a smile at out interaction. Joyce, Karmie, and Yanna both stumbled upon us at the cafeteria and all three of them gave us a wide smile. Obviously, he remained confused and clueless. I, on the other hand, became so flustered.

The first hour of my lunch break were coming to a close, but there were no signs of our conversation of ever ceasing--he didn't glance at his wrist watch, didn't leave his seat.

"Two hours rin ba break mo?" I finally asked. He chuckled at me and said, "Oo, kaya nung sinabi mo sa'kin na two hours rin sa'yo, napa iling na lang ako." g

And that was how we spent another more hour together. This time, it was more lively. We talked about everything--how we share the similar unique ships (Bakugo x Ochako); how he discovered the meaning of the word "trope" through me; how he came to know about my love for the enemies-to-lovers trope; how predictable my ships were (Sasusaku from Naruto) because of the nature of my chosen trope; how he correctly guessed my love for Meteor Garden and Boys Over Flowers due to my affinity with red flag men; how he told me that the reason why I dated horrible men was due to the fact that I loved enemies-to-lovers so much; how he preferred the friends-to-lovers trope; how he asked Tita Dang why there are women who are liked but never pursued (e.g. me); how he said I'd like the app Domestika; how he purchased a copywriting class; how he applied the classes he bought at Domestika with his online business with Teacher Anne.

And the entire time, I saw him--saw the way he finally let his guard down and get comfortable in my presence. Because the Gab that I know would have went back to our room to talk with other therapists.

But he stayed. For the entire two hours, he stayed with me.

[empyreal-archives]

i like people with sharp minds who cut through your soul with their thoughts. people with whom you communicate on a soul-level, with whom you can travel to another dimension. people who know the difference between listening and understanding. people who dismantle your heart and reshape your being into a better soul.

[empyreal-archives]

092722

Right now, all signs are in favor of my feelings.

Gelo messaged me today with a message making my day.

"Gagi hinahanap ka ni T. Gab. Kasama ko siya eh. "Alam mo ba if papasok si Cael? 'Di kasi nagrereply."

When I confirmed this with Gab, he backtracked and said that he really didn't message me (thus, my lack [or none] of message on my part) as he considered that the signal might still be down due to the recent storm.

I spent my lunch break with Tita Dang.

She asked me if he talks about his mom with me (to answer: yes); she asked me what my plan of action is (to answer again: I will definitely confess); and she looks at me with a knowing look. She tells me how Gab happily showed her the kois I gave him; said he happily showed it to his cousins, too. She reveals how he talks about me a lot, too. He was able to mention how I love to write. She smiles so warmly at me the entire time. And it means so much because it's her--the closest person there probably is in his life at present.

He talked about the kois with me today.

He asked [twice] if I sprayed my perfume on them. I told him "no" [twice]. I proceeded to ask if the crochet kois smelled just like me. He ponders for a moment and says, "it smells familiar." He shared that his uncle (Tita Dang's husband) asked what he's gonna name the kois. I playfully suggested "Ca" and "El" which made him laugh, but didn't dismiss. "Tapos no, 'di ko sila tatawagin in order. Minsan "El" and "Ca," he joked. I laughed, but secretly loved the thought. Lastly, he mentions how he's going to bring them with him in Australia.

We talked about his plans for Australia.

He says he prefers the OT practice there. He mentions that he will be living at Melbourne, to which I shared Kuya Iggy's initial invitation to help me reach Australia a couple years back (how I only needed 2 years of work experience to be able to fly there). He strongly responded, "Go! Why not?" (his conviction was nearly enough to make me pack my bags and go).

We talked about his leaving.

He tells me, "may kid akong gusto para sa'yo," and it made my OT heart tumble over and over and a few times more. I requested a particular patient too (Zgy) and he was willing to hand him over with me. He even joked, "sa wakas may better quality of videos na si mommy niya with you." He also repeatedly brought up the makeshift safe corner I made for the cat, and how he wanted to laugh about it when he saw it getting blown away by the heavy winds and rain a couple of hours after.

Lastly, he went back for me.

After my feedback with Liam's caregiver, I went back to our shared room (SI room) only to find it empty. I safely assumed that he left as he had plans with T. Nika. When I went over Camille's room at Cubicle, we heard Jun approaching the room with someone. Gab came back for me. Heavens. "Sabay ka ba?" he asked. Stupid me thanked and declined. Jun shouted after him, "Isabay mo siya!" Jun told me afterwards, "binalikan ka talaga niya," as he was already really about to leave the premise.

Tell me. Am I still imagining things?