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Summer love

Sunday February 10, 2019

Along with the romantic idea of love and relationships I also had a hunger for a summer lovin’ like from grease. I had always wanted to meet someone on the beach and just share my heart with them. Little did I know what world of hurt I had gotten myself into.

It was just two months before I moved to Germany when I had met Dom. He was charming, athletic, charismatic, so attractive, and bubbly. He was everything I had hoped for. We spent long nights together in his Jeep cheeroke. Kissing until 4am under that same moon light that shone on lovers from the past. We would whisper to eachother between pecks. Little secrets. Breaths without a purpose.

His tough hand would always meet the small of my back when we walked and it made me melt. One day he texted me at work asking if he could pick me up and bring me to a beach in Seattle I had never been to. I was excited but reluctant. I ultimately said yes and he arrived at 6:30. He came dressed in beach clothes while I had what I wore to work: chucks, an oversized T-shirt that made me look wonky, and black skinny jeans stained with pizza sauce. He didn’t care. Soon we were off. My grease dream coming true. My hand in his and the music blaring with the windows down. I deemed the summer of 2018 the summer of Love.

I felt myself falling for him. I knew I was head over heels, I just didn’t know how bad of a situation that could get me into. What’s a little puppy love going to do?

When we got to the beach it was packed with students from his school. I knew nobody but Dom so I naturally stuck by him closely. I could feel him pulling away but I hadn’t known what to do other than just follow him.

I met all of his friends.

Soon it was night time and everyone was gathering around a bonfire I was alone. Dom was in the middle. I found myself tracing my toe in the sand waiting to leave. No one had came up to me to talk to me or Introduce themselves to me. Dom left me alone by the water for an hour. Until he finally asked me to leave with him. I was excited!

We drove once again with the windows down. even though it was night time it was still warm. He took me to the places he grew up and we just talked and talked. I told him about how excited I was to move to Germany and how attractive he was to me. He thanked me and told me that he was excited to see where I’d go in life.

Before I knew it I had graduated high school. Summer had officially began. My senior party was a week after graduation and I was excited. It was the one night my parents were going to allow me to let loose and go buck wild. I had invited all my friends. When the day had arrived it was pouring down rain. Out of the 300 people invited 25 showed up and not even my best friend stayed for more than an hour. I was sad. So I did what I had come for. I drank. I drank and drank and drank. Soo before I knew it is as texting Dom. I snapped him many drunk snaps about how I was going to miss him in germany. How I thought he was very attractive. How lucky I am to have met him. Soon I wasn’t snapping Dom I was snapping his friend. She told me I was too much too fast and that I needed to calm down. I felt a pain in my chest and put my phone down.

When I had woken up the next morning I had a text from Dom asking for space and for me to not text him again. We were done. After only two weeks. He told me I was too clingy and I felt guilty. I felt childish. But most of all I felt my first heart break. I was original with Dom. I didn’t hide anything from him I allowed my true personality to show to him. He has taken me and crushed me. He knew he had the upper hand and he took advantage.

For months I was distraught. My life felt like I was being pulled through a small thin straw. Days passed by. I sat alone in my room thinking of all the ways I would’ve done things differently. I beat myself up over it for months. Before I knew it I had wasted my last few precious moments of true happiness on him.

August came up and it was time for me to move.

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The follow up

February 10 ,2019

Its had been a month and a half since I had split up with Jordan. I was lonely. I missed having someone to talk to everyday without a problem.i missed the feeling of being adored. I wanted someone. I filled my hole with random men from tinder. The would stay on my Snapchat for a couple days, compliment me, make me feel good, tell me things I wanted to hear. Then slowly ghost me.

Then I met Brad. I was put off at first since he had the same name as my grandfather but he was a cutie. He had three quarters of his hair colored red. His personality was kind and thoughtful. He lived in a city pretty far from me but not too far. We talked and talked. Then soon hisnsnaps became far and few between. Soon he all together jus stopped talking to me. It was after Brad that i realized no one will love me unless I love myself.

I then began to work on myslef. I trained hard at the gym and only ate good food. That feeling of loneliness however, just kept nagging. Around February I realized I wanted Jordan back. I sent him a long paragraph apologizing. Three pages worth of texts. He sent back a simple text telling me everything I didn’t want to hear but had to. I had let him get away. He found his end game and it was with a man that actually treated him right.

I never heard back from Jordan after that night until March. He apologized for his crude language in the last text he sent and told me he didn’t want to end things on a bad note. I haven’t heard from him since

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The Start

Sunday February 10, 2019

I write this one month after it has started.

I have dreamed of meeting that one person ever since I was little. I romanticized the idea of living happily ever after with the help of Peter Pan, The Fox and the Hound, and various other 50s movies I would watch with my grandparents. I thought love was something magical. That it gave you special powers to fly and feel happy.

I didn’t realize what love actually was until 2 months into my senior year. I had just recently come out as gay to my family so I wasn’t ready to show off my new boyfriend to them yet so I kept it a secret. Only my sister knew. It was young lust. We kissed eachother for long periods of time in the rain. We cuddled with eachother in his car under the moon in the mall parking lot. I shared music with him but not very much more.

He told me he loved me two weeks into the whole ordeal. I barely knew him and he’s already feeling this way? I panicked and not knowing what to do replies with the same phrase “I love you”. I really fooled myself for a couple weeks into thinking that I did. I would tell myself at night “I do, I do love him, i know you do!”. Soon i realized I didn’t. I began going through the motions with him and just saying the words to him. I didn’t really mean them but, what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. Two weeks was all it took for me to fall in and then out. I promised him I loved him when, I really did not. I mean what are promises in the end? They’re just words.

I slowly stopped seeing him. We went eleven days without seeing eachother but then I invited him to coffee. I sat with him and talked, and talked, and talked. It felt nice. However my conscious grew, and grew, and grew. Soon the weight of my own thoughts were just too much. The days leading up to the night i has slowly stopped talking to him. I’d never text. I’d send maybe three snaps a day. I was hurting him. I was hurting him so much and i only no know the pain. One night after saying “good night” at six pm he asked me “ is everything ok?” And it all came out.

I told him I never loved him. I couldn’t love him. He deserved better. He took a long time to respond. I had hurt him badly. All he could say was “pity” and what a pity it was. I had taken someone’s trust and I had used it childishly, rudely, and irresponsibly. I only now realize what pain he was in. He told me how he really thought i could be the one. The end game. All I could say to him was I hope he finds that man someday.

If you ever read this Jordan, I’m sorry for how I treated you. I really am. I’m sorry for the mental games I ha splayed on you. I know you’re probably scared now. My actions are irreversible I know and a simple sorry on a blog post won’t do anything but for what it’s worth I’m so terribly sorry.