I talk about why the technology you use is bad, how I have a gender most of the time, and what aerospace engineers in the sixties were dreaming up.
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I'll always be their little boy, and that pisses me off and makes me sad.
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I keep getting told by my family that they "miss $deadname, who used to hug and play and was so happy". And like, Fuck that hurts.
First of all, I was a child. I've grown up now.
Second of all, I don't remember being happy. I don't think I've been as happy as I am now since I was ten. 12->16 was about peak depression for me, and yet those are the same years they reflect so fondly on.
Third of all, deadname.
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/2018-04-16@20:45:06PDT::about dysphoria
It ain't fun. I just feel gross. Hideous. Massive and masculine. I just want to be a small cute girl. Trouble is that I've got the body of a crusty nerd boy. This discrepancy causes me a lot of distress.
I can not stand living in this body. I will not live in this body. The phrase "do or die" has been in my mind a lot. And that's what keeps me going most days: the thought that, one day soon, I won't have to live in this horrific flesh sack. One way or the other. I should be going on HRT soon. I need to. I am going on HRT within a year.
My fear with HRT is that it won't be enough. That too many years of running on T have ruined my body. E won't reverse my body hair growth or shrink my height or feminize my voice. I feel vaguely fucked, like no matter what I do it won't be enough.
I have cried once in the past five years. It was the day I quite literally had my coming-out beaten out of me. I want to be able to cry again. I have been so terribly disconnected from the world, and it's awful. Every time I start to feel something strong, some force just pushes it down and represses it. I hate it.
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/2018-04-16@19:18:24PDT::some negative stuff about transition
this is probably going to be pretty negative but whatever, you have been warned
I'm mad. I'm mad at the passage of time. I'm mad at typical male human development. I'm mad at my dumb ass. I'm mad. I'm mad because I didn't start transitioning sooner.
Just one year ago, I could not grow a beard. I could get a few scraggly hairs and that was it. Believe me, I tried. I was able to dry-shave. I'm currently looking for laser hair removal places.
I need to contact about ten different groups, agencies, corporations, about getting my name fixed. Of them, only three even knew I existed a year ago.
I grew too many inches over the last year. I tower over cis girls. I am larger than I should be.
You get the idea. I'm mad at everything because I feel like transitioning even just a year earlier would do wonders for me. I could have had so much more, had I just gotten things out of the way last year. I'll never have that life that could have been, and quite frankly that doesn't feel fair.
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(Seriously though, what do I do with three WLAN cards and a WWAN card?)
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New summer project idea: https://lgbt.io/media/9Ao14XwBtsRDl14kpXA
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In this world we're livin' in we have our share of sorrow. Answer now is don't give in, aim for a new tomorrow!
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In this world we're livin' in we have our share of sorrow. Answer now is don't give in, aim for a new tomorrow!
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Playing The Hellion without immediately following it up with Electric Eye is the heavy metal equivalent of orgasm denial.
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Seriously though I love how the screwdriver fits in every laptop screw I have, I only have to go get my full toolkit for really weird screws,
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Now that I'm installing Gentoo in Virtualbox, both Virtualbox and Gentoo are currently heating my home.
(the xorg issue turned out to be that my eGPU was causing trouble because nvidia)
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Apparently Gentoo has a sane file hierarchy? Instead of doing systemd-using-distros' weird symlinks of everything to /usr/bin, it does the sane thing and separates /bin, /usr/bin, /usr/local/bin, etc.
Huh, I might try to install Gentoo this weekend. I really don't want to use Solus as a VM host and hate this hierarchy.
Why is "sane file hierarchy" now a feature that I look for in a distro?, this seems absurd.
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"Eostre you can't just throw virtualization at your problems and have them solve themselves."
Watch me.
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> "Unfortunately, OpenBSD does not support recent nvidia cards such as the 1050". Welp. Maybe I won't be ditching Linux then.
Maybe I should set up a minimal Linux host and use it to host an OpenBSD "work" VM and a Win7 "play" VM?
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I should have Conky report temperature readings to me, shouldn't I. Or even just a daemon to notify-send/wall every logged in user a warning.
But also I'm hopefully about to ditch Linux, so it's probably not worth it.
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