escapingtheescapade

[escapingtheescapade]

Cukup.

Ku kira hal-hal baik cuma datang kalau dikejar habis-habisan. Ternyata nggak. Mereka datang waktu aku tenang, waktu aku berhenti sibuk sama yang salah, dan mulai nyiapin ruang buat yang tepat.

Hidup jadi lebih lembut sejak itu.

[escapingtheescapade]

U did well, u do well.

Last night I cried. Bukan karena sesuatu yang besar, tapi rasanya kayak semua capek yang ku simpen numpuk dan jatuh barengan. I tried my best. I really did. Tapi tetep aja ada rasa “nggak cukup” yang susah banget hilang.

Funny thing is… we’re so quick to tell others, “Don’t be too hard on yourself.” Tapi ke diri sendiri? Susah banget percaya kata-kata itu.

So, this is me writing it down — buat aku sendiri nanti kalau lupa: You’ve tried. You’re still trying. Dan itu cukup. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

— a note I’ll want to reread someday

[escapingtheescapade]

Your Sweetness is My Weakness

There’s something irresistible about a gentle touch or kind gesture from someone you care about. The sweetness in a person—the way they speak softly, smile genuinely, and offer love unconditionally—can become the very thing that melts your defenses. When someone is kind and caring in a world that often feels harsh, it’s easy to become drawn to them, almost helpless against the warmth they radiate. Their goodness can make you feel vulnerable, but in the best way, because it reminds you that love and tenderness still exist, even when life feels tough.

Yet, this sweetness can also be a weakness. It can make you more open to emotional attachment, and sometimes, even cause you to overlook faults or hardships in the relationship. You find yourself giving in to their kindness, drawn to their presence, perhaps even dependent on it. This vulnerability is beautiful but complex, a reminder that love, while nourishing, also requires balance and boundaries to protect your heart.

[escapingtheescapade]

It would've been nice if you're here.

I'd be lying if I said I don't miss you at all. I know it's not going to change anything, I'm just being honest. It's been too long since… yeah. Are you doing any good?

:)

Haha. I'm being all cliché again.

[escapingtheescapade]

Kepala 3.

Memasuki kepala 3 ini, baru kutahu satu hal pasti: bahwa aku tidak siap dengan perubahan.

Hidupku selalu tertata, terjadwal, linear. Aku suka rutinitas. Bangun di jam yang sama, minum kopi dengan cara yang sama, menyusun to-do list dengan rapi, mencentangnya satu per satu. Ada kenyamanan dalam keteraturan, ada rasa aman saat semuanya bisa diprediksi.

Tapi hidup, ya, hidup tidak pernah menandatangani kontrak untuk jadi stabil dan bisa ditebak.

Saat ada satu hal saja yang merusak tatanan jadwal, aku langsung panik, kesal, marah. Padahal kan... mungkin itu cara semesta bilang, "Hei, kamu hidup, bukan robot."

Aku terlalu sibuk menciptakan stabilitas, sampai lupa bahwa bertumbuh itu tidak pernah nyaman. Aku ingin mengendalikan segalanya, tapi justru kehilangan arah saat kendali itu lepas sedikit saja dari genggaman.

Lucunya, aku tahu perubahan itu penting. Aku tahu dia bagian dari proses menjadi versi diriku yang lebih baik. Tapi tetap saja, setiap kali perubahan datang, aku merasa seperti anak kecil yang dipaksa naik sepeda tanpa roda bantu untuk pertama kalinya.

Mungkin karena di balik semua pemahamanku tentang pentingnya berubah, ada sisi diriku yang masih sangat ingin merasa aman—yang ingin segalanya berjalan sesuai rencana, tanpa kejutan, tanpa risiko.

Mungkin ini bukan tentang melawan kekacauan, tapi belajar bernapas di tengahnya.

Ada hal-hal yang tidak bisa kupahami saat ini, tapi suatu hari nanti mungkin akan terasa masuk akal. Dan kalaupun tidak, aku harus percaya bahwa aku akan tetap baik-baik saja.

Aku tidak harus tahu semua jawabannya. Tidak harus selalu siap. Tidak harus selalu kuat.

Dan mungkin, itu pelajaran paling penting yang akhirnya kupelajari... di kepala 3 ini.

Ingin aku bertanya balik ke hidup, "Apakah setelah ini kau akan lebih ramah?" Tapi kurasa, jawabannya sudah kutahu: tidak. Tapi aku akan belajar jadi lebih lentur.

Lebih kuat, bukan karena tak tergoyahkan, tapi karena tahu caranya berdiri lagi setelah goyah.

[escapingtheescapade]

Mungkin memang bukan soal masih mencintai atau tidak. Tapi tentang bagaimana kenangan bisa sangat jahat—muncul tanpa aba-aba, menusuk di bagian yang semula sudah tidak sakit lagi.

[escapingtheescapade]

Mungkin, aku belum selesai.

Kukira aku baik-baik saja.

Sudah tidak ada lagi tangis di malam hari.

Tidak ada lagi keinginan untuk kembali.

Aku mulai menikmati pagi tanpa mengingat suaranya, malam tanpa menanti pesannya.

Tapi ternyata belakangan ini, banyak hal kecil yang diam-diam membawanya kembali ke pikiranku.

Lagu lama yang tiba-tiba muncul di playlist.

Tempat yang tanpa sengaja kulewati.

Seseorang menyebut namanya, entah dalam konteks apa.

Atau sekadar mimpi yang datang tanpa permisi.

Dan rasanya… kosong lagi.

Padahal aku pikir aku sudah pulih. Sudah selesai.

Mungkin prosesnya memang nggak pernah benar-benar selesai.

Mungkin kita cuma belajar hidup bersama luka yang tak terlihat.

Dan itu nggak apa-apa.

Nggak semua hal harus buru-buru sembuh.

Ada yang cukup dengan diakui—bahwa sampai hari ini, masih ada bagian diri yang diam-diam belum selesai.

Aku nggak lagi mencari jalan pulang. Tapi ternyata, hatiku masih suka duduk diam di depan rumah yang sudah lama ditinggal.

[escapingtheescapade]

Karna gak semua harus sempurna.

Kalau boleh dirangkum, 2024 ini ngajarin untuk lebih banyak berdamai dengan "yaudah, gapapa".

Tentang banyak rencana yang harus berantakan, yaudah gapapa.

Tentang usaha yang gagal dan harus dicoba lagi, yaudah gapapa.

Tentang tanya yang masih belum ada jawabannya, yaudah gapapa.

dan tentang manusia yang nggak bisa untuk terus dipaksa kuat, yaudah jadi lemah itu juga gapapa.

Intinya, yaudah gapapa.

[escapingtheescapade]

Suddenly, I miss you.

Today, our memories is just like rewind. I still can remember all of that clearly in my head. Like an old video that still in a good condition. How we first met, Every journey, Every sweet things, Your smile, Everything. I still feel it. It's been a long time since the last time. But your words is still in my head. Remember the way you talk to me and say that words?

I'm happy to ever meet you.

[escapingtheescapade]

Hal paling menyenangkan: diberi perasaan ‘cukup’—syukur, tenang, dan menerima.

[escapingtheescapade]

Revised Emotional Reflection

A while ago, I felt like I was stuck in a storm of emotions that never seemed to end. I was confused, disappointed, angry, and sometimes even a little hopeful—all of it swirling together in a way I couldn’t understand. I told myself, “Maybe this is just a phase,” but the more I tried to ignore it, the stronger it became.

When I started writing about how I felt, I noticed that most of my earlier writing only focused on the negative side of my emotions—just complaints without a clear direction. So, I decided to do something different. I tried to see my emotions in a new way—not as “burdens,” but as part of a learning process.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel angry, sad, or even lost. But it’s also important to make space for myself to grow through those feelings. I rewrote my reflections with a fresh perspective—not to forget the mistakes or pain, but to find beauty in the process of growing.

Perhaps it’s not the emotions that need fixing, but how we choose to understand them.

[escapingtheescapade]

And I miss the comfort of being loved.

[escapingtheescapade]

Ada kalanya, hari terasa lebih baik hanya karena obrolan panjang di chat dengan seseorang yang kita sayang.

[escapingtheescapade]

My Journey to Self Acceptance.

Living with anxious attachment issue feels like navigating waters that are never quite calm. There’s always an underlying current of anxiety, especially in close relationships. The need for constant reassurance and the fear of being left behind often dominate my thoughts, even when there’s no clear reason to feel that way.

Whenever there’s a delay in communication, my mind immediately jumps to the worst-case scenario. “Do they still care?”, “Did I do something wrong?”, or “Is this a sign they’re pulling away?” These thoughts spiral endlessly, pushing me to seek reassurance. I often find myself compulsively checking or overanalyzing words, searching for hidden meanings that probably aren’t there.

But beyond the anxiety, there’s a side of attachment that is often overlooked. I am someone who deeply cares about my relationships and the people in my life. I give my full attention and make sure my loved ones feel safe and valued. I cherish emotional intimacy and connection. When I love, I love with everything I have.

Unfortunately, this positive aspect is often overshadowed by excessive fear. Instead of enjoying the present moment, I sometimes find myself tense, worrying about when the relationship might end. This makes me overly dependent on validation from others, as if my happiness hinges entirely on how they treat me. Of course, I recognize that this is not a healthy pattern.

Over the years, I’ve worked to break free from this cycle. I’ve started to learn that not everyone will abandon me just because there’s a pause in communication. I’m trying to focus more on myself, seeking happiness from within, rather than relying on my partner to make me feel secure. It’s not easy, but every small step toward self-acceptance feels like a huge victory.

Living with this issue has taught me the importance of balance in relationships. Loving someone doesn’t mean losing myself in the process. It’s about learning to trust, not just others, but also myself—trusting that I am worthy of love just as I am, without always needing reassurance.

This journey is ongoing. I’m still learning to let go of the overwhelming anxiety, to build trust, and to love myself more. And while I’m far from perfect, I know that I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

[escapingtheescapade]

Let Them Era.

Have you ever felt completely drained from constantly worrying about what others think? Well, that’s exactly where I am right now. Entering what I like to call my Let Them Era. It’s simple: let them do what they want, and I’ll do the same. Peacefully.

In this phase of life, I’ve come to realize that our energy is limited. Not everything is worth worrying about, especially things that don’t really matter. People will always have their comments, opinions, and expectations about what we should or shouldn’t do. But the truth is, we can’t please everyone all the time. So, here I am, letting them do what they do, while I focus on what matters most to me.

I’ve decided to stop bending over backward to meet other people's standards or ideas of success. If they want to judge or criticize, let them. If they want to support and cheer, let them. What matters now is that I stay true to myself, following my own path without feeling guilty for not meeting everyone's expectations.

It’s freeing, honestly. The more I embrace this mindset, the lighter I feel. It’s not about being careless or indifferent but about setting boundaries on what gets to affect me. I’m no longer trying to control how others perceive me. Instead, I’m focusing on things that align with my values and goals.

In this era, I’ve learned that people will talk no matter what you do, whether you’re winning or losing, succeeding or failing. So, why waste time worrying about it? Let them talk. Let them judge. Let them celebrate. Whatever they do is theirs to own, and my energy stays protected. I’m learning to trust myself more, and that means sometimes people will just have to be confused. Let them be.

Being in my Let Them Era isn’t about giving up; it’s about letting go of unnecessary stress and pressure. It’s about reclaiming peace in a world that often tries to dictate how we should live our lives. So, here I am. Letting them, and letting myself be free.

[escapingtheescapade]

Yang mana yang lebih baik baginya; pernah bertemu lalu berpisah atau tidak pernah bertemu sama sekali?

[escapingtheescapade]

Just Wondering.

If we can love someone so much, how will we be able to handle it the day when we are separated?

And if being separated is a part of life and you know about separation well, is it possible that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them?

And I was wondering is it possible that we can live our entire life without loving anyone at all?