essays-nobody-needed

[essays-nobody-needed]

It starts off slowly

With his gentle disapproval.

As we talk, I realize

He believes I should be illegal.

I am a blue haired liberal,

And he is morally correct.

He secretly believes that women

Never should have won the right to vote.

Mostly, he hates me

Because I will never date him,

As if my love has me on a leash,

And he is forbidden to me,

As if he's Romeo and I'm Juliet.

Their love came from abuse.

Maybe that's why he likes it.

[essays-nobody-needed]

The way women love

Sometimes, I stalk through her instagram posts, and they're packed to the brim with comments from other girls.

They tell her that she's beautiful and beg her to marry them.

Some women profess their love for her.

I don’t make comments like that. Not for her.

I'm grateful for the other women who love her.

Every so often, I slip a few words in, and pray that in a sea of people who love her, I don't stand out.

[essays-nobody-needed]

was playing around with some prose, they're not very good but I thought I'd share anyway

My mom likes to ask if I'm in love with my best friend

And although I love the boy, I'm not in love with him

But I grin and blush when I tell her no

I'm not ready to let go

Of the image of me and him walking down the aisle

I know how much that makes my mother smile

I'm scrubbing my neck to get rid of your lipstick stain

Washing your sweet sugar perfume down the drain

He's the one that holds my hair back when I'm sick

But I can't stop thinking about the taste of your strawberry chapstick

Sometimes I rest my head on his to remind him that I care

And he knows how much I love it when he runs his fingers through my hair

And he loves me for the things I do when my mom is unaware

He'd be the perfect, golden partner for anyone but me

Because when I kiss my best friend I don't feel anything

I wish that I'd grown up with a different life

The kind where I could picture a world with you as my wife

But all I can do is kiss your hand in my pitch black basement

If I was choosing who to marry I know it never could be you

But when I live with my best friend I hope I'll get to kiss you too

[essays-nobody-needed]

Relationship Anarchy sorta explained

You asked, so I shall do my best to explain. Let's keep in mind that I quite literally learned about the existence of relationship anarchy a day ago so take all of this with a massive grain of salt lol but here we go:

Western society has lots of rules of how each relationship is supposed to look/operate.

Friends aren't supposed to raise kids together, merge finances, etc. That's only for married couples.

People who are romantically intertwined are supposed to kiss, have sex, etc. and eventually end up married.

The ideal romantic partner is someone who can fulfill most if not all of your emotional, physical, and sexual needs, and anything less is a sign of incompatibility.

There's also the relationship hierarchy that society upholds—or the "relationship escalator."

At the bottom is friends, then romantic partners, then spouse.

The more intimate you become with a friend, the more likely people are to assume you want to be romantic with them—i.e they assume you're moving up the escalator.

The more intimate you become with a romantic partner, the more likely you are to get questions about when you're going to "take the next step" and get married.

Lots of rules, lots of expectations. And relationship anarchy (RA) basically says "no 💙"

RA basically refers to a deliberate rejection of these social norms. No rules and no inherent hierarchy.

Instead, partners decide amongst themselves what they want their relationships to look like.

Here's a nifty graph to help visualize this:

You can be friends who rely on each other as primary sources of emotional and sexual fulfillment. Life partners, but you don't have sex or romance at all.

You can be sexually, romantically, emotionally fulfilled by one person but still just be two people loving and experiencing each other with no need for labels or the expectation of any "escalator" progression towards marriage or anything else.

Essentially, you build relationships buffet style, and each relationship is as significant in your life as you want it to be and they all serve whatever role you want them to serve. These relationships can be monogamous or polyamorous or anything in between.

Totally up to you.

[essays-nobody-needed]

Untitled.

i made a comic in google slides for some ungodly reason

[essays-nobody-needed]

Rät and postmodernism

I believe the song Rät by Penelope Scott demonstrates the postmodern worldview incredibly well. Postmodernism is, at its core, a departure from modernism. Where modernism was marked by a distinct faith in science and a belief that it is possible to know everything, postmodernism marked an era of belief that it was entirely impossible to know everything. Science failed to provide the answers we wanted, so we shifted into a sense of stagnant despair of our own lack of knowledge.

Rät opens with the lyric “I come from scientists and atheists and white men who kill God,” something that seems to be a clear nod to the effects of modernism, and it goes on to talk about “experiments and sacrilege in the name of public good”. This song hasn’t just accepted the reality that science can’t answer anything, it demonstrates a lot of anger at the unanswered questions that science from a modernist perspective claimed to hold the answers to. This is further evidenced in the later lines, “your proposal is immodest and insane,” referring to the current claims of the abilities of science, and the lines “I can’t believe you tore humanity apart; with the very same machines that could’ve been our brand new start”.

Furthermore, the line “I bit the apple ‘cause I loved you, and why would you lie? And then I realized, you’re just as naive as I am” really hits home this song’s belief that it’s not possible to know everything. The singer’s relationship with science and knowledge is portrayed as an abusive relationship with a significant other. It’s a raw perspective on the pain and hatred that’s caused by the assumption that we can know everything, and I believe for those reasons that it is, at its core, a wonderful representation of the postmodern perspective.

[essays-nobody-needed]

How purity culture can lead to abuse

For anybody who doesn’t know, I grew up in a conservative Christian church, in an overwhelmingly conservative Christian area. I no longer associate with evangelical Christianity, but I still live in the same area, and I’m surrounded by the culture.

Something that I see a whole lot in this area is high school girls who say that their career goal is to be a mom, and frankly, that concerns me a little. I have no problem with people wanting to get married and start a family at some point in their life- but when you ask people what their career goal is, they would never say “getting married”.

My concern about this is twofold. Purity culture, at its root, preaches this concept that women are only really good as a wife and a mother, if possible. It doesn’t explicitly shame single women, but you’re expected to view that period as a “waiting” period. I bought into that idea for years growing up, and it really harmed the way I viewed and related to men, as well as myself. So when I hear girls in the church, entrenched in that culture, saying that their career goal is to be a stay at home mom, it worries me.

First off, there’s the issue of practicality. Most people are not in a relationship they’re ready to marry into immediately after high school graduation. This leaves an awkward gap. Many women will go opt to go off to college largely to meet men and fill this space, and terms like “ring by spring” and “misses degree” come from that culture. Honestly, this isn’t a huge issue for me, assuming they finish that degree.

Secondly, however, we have the category of people who ARE in a relationship immediately following high school. And the thing that really worries me here is that women are getting married as a lifestyle choice, not for love and companionship. Marrying young works incredibly well for some people, and I don’t want to discount that. What scares me is the idea that getting married young is a plan for life. Often, both parties have made this decision before the legal drinking age in the United States. The woman is now in a committed relationship she chose with very little life experience and with virtually no way out. A college education is much harder to come by later in life, and as she transitions into stay at home motherhood, she isn’t likely to be making connections on a professional level. If anything goes wrong in this relationship, she’s cut some of her greatest assets for getting out of it and living happily and comfortably on her own.

My issue with the whole of purity culture is that it makes it so, so easy for men to take advantage of women. Women are told to submit to men and that they exist solely to serve men. My culture is seeped in this. And when something can be taken advantage of, it often is.

I have absolutely nothing but respect for the women I know who have chosen to get married young, for any reason. My intent with these ramblings is not to shame anybody. If you’re happy, both with your life and in your relationship, that’s what matters. However, there can and will be many people who end up in abusive relationships, feeling like they have no way out. My goal is just to spread the awareness to prevent other people from ending up in the situation I was very close to falling into myself. This may not have been the most well collected thing I post, and I apologize if I unfairly grouped anybody into a category. This is just something that’s been on my mind for a while, and I wanted to put it into words for my own understanding.

[essays-nobody-needed]

here is a compilation of some of my favorite resources, workbooks & apps for people who cannot afford going to therapy, but would like to improve themselves in any way:

therapistaid has many, many worksheets for skills from dbt and even a self care assesment!

cbt worksheets from psychologytools.

coping skills for anger, managing difficult thoughts, getting better sleeping habits, etc.

mental health resources for kids & teens.

DBT skills training (pdf)

DBT skills workbook (pdf)

wysa app offers a wide range of skills, from a personalized AI chat where you can vent to a compilation of your emergency contacts. (only available on google play as of feb 2021)

sanvello app (google play + app store) allows you to track your progress, identify which self care habits you need to improve and guives you monthly reports of your overall state.

feel free to add more!

[essays-nobody-needed]

Anyways, I've been planning on making this post for a little while but since I'm currently angry I'll do it now.

A little bit ago I brought up my whole problem with the aro ring to the arospec discord. The problem being that almost every symbol for the aro community comes from the ace community or is derivative of it. Do I like the aro ring? Yes. But I don't like that it's the "aro version" of the ace ring. I'm not asexual. Aromantic does not mean asexual.

So we started coming up with some ideas of other symbols we could use, specifically I wanted something we could still wear because I think that'd be cool and fun, and eventually we landed on something we're pretty happy with!

The aro rose, it's a green rose(or any green flower, but roses specifically). Get it? A-rose?(not my pun, I stole that off the discord).

I also really liked this idea because it's sort of reclaiming a stereotypical romantic symbol, the rose, and taking it to be our own. Also it's green because of the flag(the ring being white bothered me a bit to, because it was meant to be the "opposite" of asexual and that's just...no).

You could make a paper rose, you could embroider a patch, paint some fabric, make a brooch, whatever you want!

This is my current one, I made an embroidery flower and I didn't have green embroidery floss so I just painted it with fabric paint. It's not a rose because that would be pretty difficult for me to embroider but you get the jist. I pin this to my shirt sometimes now :)

Idk if this will take off or not but it's an idea! If anyone else has more ideas for aro symbols like this I'd love to hear it.

[essays-nobody-needed]

Comp het in Asexuals (pt 2)

Here’s a compilation of experiences I’ve noticed, in myself and/or in other people, who now identify as asexual.

~You feel a strong relationship to the term bisexual or pansexual, because you feel you’re equally attracted to all genders. (Not being attracted to anybody is technically equal attraction to everybody.) ~Alternatively, you feel a strong connection to heterosexual relationships, but have never pictured a marriage being anything more than really close roommates without somebody actively bringing up the sexual aspects. ~You imagine the circumstances leading up to having sex (or, alternatively, other sensual things like kissing), but never imagine those things themselves. ~You love body parts that are frequently sexualized, but you prefer to observe them fully covered. (ie, appreciating the way somebody’s butt curves, but having no desire to see it nude.) ~The idea of losing your virginity on your wedding night makes you uncomfortable (sexually, not morally), and you’ve always thought you’d be more comfortable sleeping with a different person ahead of time, or that you’d rather wait until it just magically happens a few days after marriage. ~It took you a long time to realize that sex was a thing people consciously chose to do, not something that just magically happens. ~You’ve always been overly interested in the opposite gender, but your desire to be with a person of interest could be satisfied by a close friendship. ~Alternatively, your lack of interest in the opposite gender has led people to question if you’re gay. ~You use words like sexy, hot, or horny to describe really good food, art, or other hobby or consumable product- partially as a joke, but partially because they have the same energy as every crush you’ve had. ~You’ve never had a typical celebrity crush, and/or every celebrity crush you have had was largely tied to a specific role that they played. ~You feel a connection to the term asexual, but feel as though your past sexual experiences or enjoyment disqualify you from using the term. ~You believe that sex will sound more appealing at some point down the road, because so many people have told you you’d change your mind.

Please note that I am one person with one set of experiences. I have spent a relatively large amount of time researching the experiences of other asexuals, but this list is largely based on my own notes and experiences and is in NO way conclusive. In addition, the discussions of asexuality and aromanticism frequently overlap, and some of the things on this list may be MORE characteristic of aromanticism, or sex-repulsed aces. This may not provide definite answers, just a guide to look into a-spec identities. At the end of the day, your label should be whatever makes you the most comfortable. My goal is to spark discussion among our community and make many revisions to this list to fully accommodate the wide array of experiences.

[essays-nobody-needed]

songs for asaw!!!!

crush culture - conan gray (one of my faves) 

never been in love  - will jay

this is home - cavetown

i am not a robot - MARINA

soulmate - lizzo (explicit)

love love love - of monsters and men

this wonderful song 

the entire album “aromanticism” by moses sumney

yeah feel free to add onto this!!! i have vv specific tastes and this does not encompass all of the wonderful arospec music out there! i want to see the great music y’all give me!

[essays-nobody-needed]

A lyrical analysis of Four by Sleeping at Last

The song Four by Sleeping at Last presents a depiction of an artist, searching for something, but unsure of what they’re finding.

The song begins with the lyrics,

“I’m turning out the lights

To remember how to see;

Until a renaissance takes place

And resuscitates the color of paint and divinity.”

This imagery is interesting because it opens the song with two things that don’t work together literally. People clearly aren’t capable of seeing in the dark. Thus, we have to assume that remembering how to see is being used as a metaphor. In the context of the rest of the song, this gives the impression of an artistic awakening.

Turning out the lights has brought the death of color- something you can’t see in the dark. In the last line of the stanza, the author stages a coming back to life of both the physical, in paint, and the spiritual, in divinity.

These lines work together to give us an image of a person taking an abnormal path towards viewing the various levels of their art- not just physically, but in the meaning behind the piece as well. It gives a nod to the impressionist painters, who, at their core, painted what they saw, thought, and felt.

The song continues with the lines,

“As if God hid the building blocks

Of every beautiful thing.

In this game of hide and seek,

I can’t help but think that ordinary has swallowed the key.”

God hiding the building blocks of every beautiful thing brings about this imagery of somebody searching for structure within beauty. As a continuation of the previous lines, the artist is “playing hide and seek” with their tools for creation. Appreciating something beautiful isn’t enough, they want to create that beauty for themselves.

Ordinary swallowing the key seems representative of a path divergent from society’s. The speaker seems to understand that the things they’re looking for are often overlooked by others. Anybody can obtain an artistic eye, but not everybody does.

It brings up questions of the nature of an artist. Is real artistic talent as simple as being able to paint, or write, or sing? Or is it more than that? These lines present a person who innately views the world as an artist.

Moving forward, we get the lines,

“Bodies fashioned out of dirt and dust

For a moment we get to be glorious

Ice sculptures, adorned in light

Sand castles built tall, in between the tides”

These present imagery of not just finding beauty in art, but in the mundane. Life is short, but for one brief moment, we get to experience it. It’s not just about pretentious museums and literary masterpieces, it’s about the beauty in the very act of being alive.

The concept of the artistic eye is really enforced with the mentions of ice sculptures and sand castles. These are things that people ordinarily overlook, made to be wonderful by the person who truly stops to see them.

The song continues,

“Maybe I'm hiding behind metaphor

Maybe my heart needs to break to be sure

One day I'll wear it all on my sleeve

The insignificant with the sacred unique”

The interesting thing about these lines is that until now, these lyrics have been largely comprised of metaphors. The speaker acknowledges that, sounding almost ashamed by their words. It’s as though their search for artistic insight has led to their separation from reality. In fact, it’s not just a separation from reality, they’re hiding from reality. They see the beauty of our world with such intensity that seeing its suffering is equally intense. The speaker is considering that they use their art as an escape from the horrors of this world, but they’ll never know for sure until they allow their heart to break over pain in the same way it rejoices over beauty.

The speaker promises to acknowledge all of it one day, nodding at the fact that perhaps insignificance is part of what they’re running from. It’s not just the tragedies, because in a sense, there is beauty in tragedy. They’re also hiding from the mundane necessities of living.

“But I've fallen in love with a ghost

I lost my balance when I needed it most

And this blurry photograph is proof

Of what I'm not sure, but it feels like truth”

Falling in love with a ghost furthers the points from the previous lines. In falling in love with the beauty of our world, the speaker realizes that, in reality, they’ve fallen in love with a world that doesn’t exist. They’ve lost the balance between reality and their romanticization.

The blurry photograph seems representative of whatever the speaker has spent their life trying to find. They don’t know exactly what it is, but they understand that it represents truth.

“I'm stuck swimming in shadows down here

It's been forever, since I came up for air

Flashlight in hand determined to find

Authenticity, only poetry could even begin to try to describe”

The speaker realizes that their all-consuming search has led them to see only shadows of reality, and yet they forge onward, determined to find the truth within the beauty.

The song closes with the lines,

“What if we already are

Who we've been dying to become

In certain light I can plainly see

A reflection of magnificence

Hidden in you

Maybe, even in me.”

The speaker realizes that the reality of what we are and the metaphor of who we could be can co-exist. They surround themselves with the people who reflect that metaphor, so that even in the darkest moments of facing reality, they can still catch a glimpse of the magnificence they hold to dearly.

[essays-nobody-needed]

Comp het in asexuals (pt 1)

I’ve seen a lot of information on how compulsory heterosexuality may play out for lesbians (the lesbian masterdoc is a wonderful resource), but I don’t see it mentioned much in relation to the asexual/aromantic community. Maybe it’s because other people came to these conclusions much faster than me, but for anybody out there questioning or needing some ace validation, here is a breakdown of the sections of the lesbian masterdoc and how I’ve found myself relating to them as an aroace.

Attraction to [the opposite gender] I spent most of high school thinking I was incredibly attracted to men. I had a crush on one guy after another, and “agonized” over how they never liked me back. These crushes would only develop after somebody else started joking about how I liked them. I’d move on almost immediately after realizing they didn’t reciprocate, and I almost intentionally self-sabotaged myself. Out of my seven major high school crushes, two were long distance, two were clearly emotionally unavailable, and two later came out as queer. I actually wound up dating the seventh, and I broke up with him in less than a month. It was a weird time for me- I had spent years fantasizing about a relationship like this, but now that I had one, it felt horribly wrong, which brings us to...

Relationships with [the opposite gender] I could not explain why I felt so uncomfortable in this relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on what my boyfriend was doing wrong, or what I was doing wrong. I felt like I was attracted to him, but I was grossly uncomfortable every time we did anything more than platonic. We held hands, he bought me candy flowers, we had a decent banter, and I hated every second of it. There was something about the way he was attracted to me. He looked at me like he wanted to marry me and have my children one day, and I knew that I never wanted to do that the way he seemed to want to. I loved having somebody to flaunt, I loved the social approval that having a boyfriend gave me, but I felt like I was using him for that. It was very clear to me that I wouldn’t ever be able to feel the same way about him that he felt about me, but I really struggled to break up with him because I loved the social affirmation.

Sex and intimacy I actually came to terms with being aromantic a long time before I finally accepted that I was ace. I was sure that I had to be allosexual with a fear of commitment. I loved reading about intimacy in books. I often fantasized about teasing men. I went through a brief period where I thought I was more repulsed by being the bottom than by sex itself. I was only really comfortable if I held the entirety of the power in the situation, but even then, I viewed it as something I’d tolerate, not actively want. I went through a period where I considered using sex as a form of self harm- which could also be attributed to purity culture within the church I grew up in. I didn’t grow confident in my identity as an asexual until I wound up in a relationship with another woman. I loved her greatly as a friend, and the intimacy that we shared was incredibly cathartic to me, but I never actively enjoyed kissing her. It was boring, messy, and inconvenient. I knew she enjoyed it, but I would rather have done almost anything else. Fantasizing about it was great, but the action itself seemed dull and pointless. It was fine, I just didn’t see what other people got so excited about. I was having a conversation with a friend who had grown up in the same church environment that I had, and she mentioned that she would have sex on a particular day if she could. That took me by surprise. I had always viewed sex as something that would just unconsciously happen. As a vague option for the future, it seemed great, but I couldn’t see myself ever reaching a point in my life where I would be comfortable looking at a schedule and going “yes, I think having sex this week could be fun”.

The rest of the lesbian masterdoc largely explores specifically lesbian issues. Go check it out. I’ll have a second part to this post up soon exploring some specifically asexual issues soon, so if you’re still confused, feel free to use that as a resource as well. I hope this has shed some light on some things for you. :)